Grace, I believe the two of you need to start using the DJ forms to inform each other of DJs instead of talking to each other face to face.

Dr. Harley has provided these forms for couples to use for decades, and there is a reason. One spouse telling the other spouse of his or her mistakes face to face very easily, and very often, leads to arguments.

By using the forms you are able to write down the love buster and how it made you feel, and then edit yourself several times to make sure you are respectful. Do so with the mindset of helping your husband take care of you, rather than rubbing in his mistakes. Then, once a week, give the form to your husband.

Allow him to do the same for you.

Never argue about whether or not what he writes down is really a DJ. If he feels disrespected, then you should change how you speak to him in order to protect him and care for him.

He seems to feel that you have a sharp tone, one that makes him feel like you think he's stupid. It sounds like you need to start watching your tone when you speak -- add it to your DJ plan, if it's not already on there.

Where is your love buster plan for eliminated DJs? Review it.
Don't allow yourself an excuse to slide -- his DJs do NOT give you permission to abuse him in response.

Ok, I found the DJ form. Initially when we first started DJ ing each other we were able to respectfully tell each other. Lately this is not the case. I feel like H thinks he's the expert on MB and disrespectfully points out every little thing with a "tone and temper," in my eyes. When I try to tell him this he says see another DJ on your part. That's when I pretty much shut up and say let's talk later.


I will add TONE to my list on how to help eliminate DJ's on my part
I already emailed my plan for AO's and DJ's to H:

DJ's

- Empathize and understand how you feel and that your feelings are valid
- Communicate verbally to your understanding
- Stop with "your reading into things"
- Just be considerate
- Respectfully disagree when I don't agree

Here's the deal. This morning when he told me about my tone I got up and GENUINELY apologized and kissed him. You would have thought I called him a giant [censored] by his reaction and just sent a few DJ's my way. We left it at that.

I'm still confused by what he wants from me. Seems like the same thing revolving around affection. If I don't have sex with him or give him a specific type of affection (that I'm obviously clueless on) it leads to a fight. Last night we were supposed to have date night (meaning sex). Well for obvious reasons we both verbally agreed this was not going to happen because my back was out. I can't help but notice a reoccurring pattern of his behavior when there is no sex or the affection is not to his liking. We've already agreed upon sex 2-3 times a week. And to be honest I am turned off when we have a set back or onset of DJ's. So am I supposed to be a dead fish in bed or put sex off? because I'm not really excited about having sex. Yes I want to fulfill his needs. The cycles just keep going and when I think they are getting better, back to the start we go. Now where do I start?

It is normal for there to be ups and downs right now. Your love banks are both still empty. It doesn't take much to send you plummeting deep into the red, and thinking that all is lost.

You start by focusing back on yourself. Are there any parts of the program you are not following? Are you allowing love busters to slip through? Are you not meeting his EN?

Start with what you can change: You. That is your focus.

Great on finding the forms. Start using them today. No more confronting each other about DJs.

Remember when you fill out the form, be very respectful. Stick to the facts. Don't hide your own DJs in the form!

Has he filled out his EN Questionnaire and given it to you?
If he has, is there anything you don't understand on it?

I was there not too long ago. One of the big problems is all the LB that keep flying around. It is very difficult to fill the love bank when you are punching holes in it with your LB.

Eliminate the LB. Do the things he's asked for on his EN Questionnaire -- this is your map. Do them even if they don't seem to make him happy at first. It can take awhile for the love bank to fill back up. But it will fill up, if you have eliminated the LB.

You will more than likely find him more desirable when he quits LBing you and starts meeting your EN on a regular basis.

I'm going to tell you what Steve Harley told me last year (this is from another post I made around the end of March 2010) --

No neither one of us has filled out the EN questionnaire. So I guess that is next.

I totally AGREE with everything Steve Harley says about sex. SEX, SEX, SEX yes it's important. In fact my H told me he needs sex to feel close. I will probably print out your post and keep it in my binder as a reminder. And also so we're clear, we've been having sex since we started MB. When H told me how important it was to fulfill it, I stepped up to the plate (and you can remember what happened that first time on my thread). I still set that aside and continued having sex with him so we could strengthen our marriage. I'm not really seeing a change as his EN of SF is being fulfilled. So Steve Harvey points out that when SF is fulfilled, H will want to stop LB's and he will feel cared for? So tell me when?

Ok, I'll still keep taking advice an implementing it. I'm going to do my very best this week to avoid any DJ's possible no matter what he does and see what happens. The good news is the AO's have really come to a hault.

No, Grace, Steve Harley did not say it that way. Whether or not Hilltopper's EN are being met has nothing to do with whether or not he will stop LB. NOTHING you do or don't do deserves Hilltopper's LB!

Hilltopper's LB are HIS responsibility that HE needs to take care of now. Whether or not his EN get met, his LB are still HIS responsibility.

He should want to stop the LB not because you are meeting his EN, but rather, to show care for you! It is the same reason that you should want to stop your LB -- to show care for him, even if he is not meeting your EN.

Nothing justifies abuse. Not even unmet EN.

Now, if you do stop your LB, and you do fulfill his EN, then yes, he will feel cared for. For most men, the top EN is SF, and it is the fastest way to make lovebank deposits and to make them feel cared for.

It is possible that his top EN is not SF. You two need to fill out the EN Questionnaire ASAP. It is difficult to fulfill each other's EN without that map -- possible, but difficult.


That is good news. Good job!

Are y'all respectful and kind to each other when the kids are underfoot? Sometimes folks will do for their kids what they won't do for their spouse. It'll help it become a habit, the thoughtfulness and light fun.

Grace, I see that Hilltopper is talking about setting up an appointment with Steve Harley, Dr. Harley's son. I think you would probably be very pleased by the results if Hilltopper does this. Prisca and I had several sessions with Steve and that helped to get us on track to follow this program and improve our marriage.

When we first started giving each other DJ worksheets, I think Prisca reported about eight DJs from me a week on average. In addition, I was probably committing one or two angry outbursts a week, and they were horrible. Our current status is that Prisca has reported only one DJ from me for the last four weeks, and that's it. She is a lot happier! Our UA time is now something we both treasure and look forward to. She used to really dread it and not enjoy it.

All I know right now is that we can't even hold a conversation. I don't know what the hell happened last night. It came down to me telling him he deserves someone who can give him the affection he needs because I'm at a loss. I had asked him earlier what his EN's are and if he could fill out the worksheet and give it to me. He was snarky about it and asked "you really don't know what I need" and I said "no". The rest of the conversation was pure ugly. I went upstairs to read and later sent him a quote out of Steve Harvey's book relating to our situation and that someone needs to step up out of this crisis. He asked me to come downstairs and have some wine, I respectfully declined and told him I love him but I was going to sleep to rest my back.

This morning I again made the first step and made him coffee, kissed him and asked him if he would like to have good day and start fresh. He let me know he was going to be on the radio show via text while I was getting the kids ready upstairs. I exclaimed wow and a few comments. When I got downstairs he gave me a look and said how can you not ask or get excited. Blah blah blah .... same story we can't hold a conversation. He thinks I disagree with everything and I think I can't do anything to his liking.

I'm devastated. I have no where to go ... I'm hoping we can both get some help from the radio show.

How are we supposed to get anywhere when we can't even hold a simple conversation?

Grace, I know Dr. Harley can help. He's been supervising me and Prisca for a year now, although we had some rocky months there because we were not following his advice.

Last week there was a day when a wife from the board here called the show and the next day the husband called. You might want to see about talking to Dr. Harley yourself as a followup.

You are right; you cannot build a good marriage as long as love busters are preventing the two of you from having conversations.

This is a good idea. Dr. Harley can help you best when he has talked to both of you.

Listened to H today on the radio show. Part of me laughed to hear his voice on the radio. Anyway, I found it interesting. I totally agree with the UA time. With all the daily routines it's easy to get distracted. There needs to be a plan. This was H's time and I'm sure I would have asked different questions.

I told H that I was on board. I love to see H get excited and get all these refreshing discoveries and feelings. I just feel like it keeps leading to the same path. The path I don't want. Cycle after cycle. Pattern after pattern. Behavior after behavior, etc ... I asked ONE thing of him, avoid fights at all costs. I want him to be the bigger person when I'm having a bad day and I will step up and be the bigger person when the opposite is true. For some reason this "avoid fights at all costs" run through my brain and help me control my AO. I'm still working on the DJ thing. I think if we can get QUALITY UA time and avoid fights we can get past the bump for awhile and start working on other areas.

Am I positive yes. Am I excited? Well I'm excited that my H is excited, but honestly I HOPE this time there's some actual results. I'm not going to look at past mistakes, I'm just hoping for a better tomorrow.

MNG,

Took up your suggestion and got some time to myself to view

Cute, funny, inspires one to be a good spouse

I'm not sure why everything makes sense when you post it and read it, watch it, hear it. But then when your having a fight with your spouse everything flys out the "brain window" ??

I guess it gets better with practice

PS I am excited about HNHN

It does get better with practice.

My DH and I didn't fight very often, but last fall we started fighting all the time. Now, if we start something one of us can make a joke and we'll laugh and we deal with the situation.

I am surprised you guys didnt have that one ... THAT was the book my wife and I started with! Its alot easier to absorb becasue it explains all the emotional needs very clearly .. and gives great examples on what happens when they are met and what happens when they are not! BUT .. HNHN for parents was really good aswell .. some of it (well alot of it) was just reworded version of HNHN but it had a hint of children throughout and how to incorporate them into the big picture aswell ..

I am glad you liked the videos ... there is like 10 or so of them. I really think the one that hit home the most was the one called "My Response" They are easy to listen to and watch. They spoke volumes to my wife and I. I have yet to read the book though.

WHen My wife and I began reading HNHN ... it was great quality time to go to bed early after helping get the chores done and things ready for morning .. then sit in bed and I would read a chapter a night and spend 30mins or so discussing the chapter and answering the "discussion" questions at the end. Slowly ... ALOT of lightbulbs came on as we read the book ... For instance .. I discovered that some of my conversations I had at work with some co-workers was hindering me. As soon as i recognized it .. i told my wife and the same thing occured with her aswell .. she would resonate with something and think .. o crap .. I was making a mistake by talking to those guys online .. no wonder i didnt wana talk with you. THAT book really opened our eyes to our shortcomings .. but painted a clear picture for each topic.

After reading that book/books we redid the emotional needs questionaire becasue the first time around my wife filled them out with really no clue how MB pieces together the needs so it was filled with DJ's in her responses ... same with mine from prior to reading those books. AFter we read all the books on how to meet needs THEN we moved onto the lovebusters book ... this way we were in a state of intimacy to tackle the lovebusters sice wew were getting better at meeting needs we didnt feel as threatened when we discussed what it was that was causing love bank withdrawls! Made the transition to work on love busters alot easier!

Keep up the good work Grace!

MNG

tgrace, how are things going?

If you mean by this, that if one of you is being abusive to the other through AO/DJ/SD behaviors, then this is not "avoid fighting at all costs" it is "allow my spouse to destroy my love for them so that they can throw a tantrum."

NOT an effective plan....

How's it going, grace? Haven't heard from you in awhile ....

No that's NOT what I meant