My wife is still working with the OM. I think the affair is over but wondering if this sending the OM this letter is a good idea. I do not want it to be nasty. I have addressed it to the Mr and Mrs to either make sure it goes to his parents, I think he lives at home or his wife if he has one.

TO OM,
You know who this is and now I know who you are.

I�m going to make this short and sweet. This is a friendly reminder that you need to stay away from my wife.

She is still a married women and regardless of what led to affair we are trying to save our marriage. So I would appreciate it if you would make sure to stay clear of her. If you do decide to continue this affair in any way, shape or form I will take actions to ensure that you are not standing in the way of our recovery.

This is not a threat just a reminder that you can�t just sleep with someone�s wife and there not be consequences.

Someone�s Husband

Since I have all your info I feel it only fair you have mine although I guess you have already been to my house.

Actually the affair is not over if she sees him at work every day.

If he sees this letter he will laugh at your weakness. You don't want to come across as weak and timid to a man who has assaulted your marriage. You need to demonstrate a show of strength, not wimpiness.

Rather, I would send a letter to his parents, wife, family and employer.

And then go have a FACE TO FACE visit with loserboy and tell him personally - while looking into his RAT eyes - that hell is coming his way. And mean it.

I would do all this after you expose the affair at work and then DEMAND that your wife quit her job. This is hopeless unless she leaves that job.

If this is the case, I would recommend driving to their home and telling them personally.

Dear Lord...please help this man!

Like Mel said, if they work together, then it ain't over by a longshot.

You need to EXPOSE this man and the affair with your ww to everybody, INCLUDING THE HUMAN RESOURCES too since probably lots of the affair occurred on company time and could have squandered company expenses & monies.

Plus it opens the company up to a potential sexual harassment lawsuit.

ONE OR BOTH of them have to immediately go, or else the affair will simply go underground or stop..until the day she brushes against him in the hall, and his eye catches hers and it's on again. Affairs like that could last YEARS or longer and it is like a death by 1,000 paper cuts.

Expose it and end it. A letter signed from "anonymous" is more like a letter signed from "a mouse", as it's weak. It doesn't say anything except, you bad guy, I'm kinda onto you, so now you have a chance to spin your story and make up a great one with my wife so you two can sleep together more efficiently.

What the heck are you waiting for? an engraved invitation?

Expose this affair now. Bust it up. If you follow MB principles you know this is part of one of the FIRST things you do to kill the affair. Never ever believe a wayward either. Sure, she'll say it's over. Right now she's working and SEEING and being around her illicit lover each day. Of course she's going to say whatever she can to keep the status quo and of course she's happy right now. She gets to keep her boyfriend AND have her husband provide financially for her while she has her skanky affair.

Carrot and stick of plan A.

Exposure IS THE STICK. Gather list of who to expose too. Is he on FB? Find out who his friends are. Go onto the other board here called "Operation Investigate" and read up on what you must do. I'd suspect this affair is FAR FROM OVER. Not exposing and letting your wife go to work is like having a crack addict who just got out of rehab go to work in a crack factory.

Get it?

mbfan, I will tell you honestly that my feeling from reading your post is that you either a) don't care very much or b) care more about avoiding conflict, hence this tepid approach. Half measures will avail you nothing.

It is like bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight.

The problem with this kind of approach is that it doesn't work. It SCREAMS weakness and timidity and that is the last message you want to send to an OM.

Just look at Gloveoil's reaction and HE is a former OM.

mbfan, welcome. You've done the right thing by asking for thoughts before sending that letter. Because you should NOT send it. Everyone will have a chuckle over the practical joke some friend of OM's has played, they'll throw the letter away, and that will be the end of that. Oh, but he'll know you're on to him and he'll take precautions to negate any possible problem you could create for him. He'll make sure to mention to his boss that WW's H seemed a little...insecure, or odd, or jealous for no reason, the last time he ran into you. He'll start spinning any potential exposure to minimize the fallout.

You definitely need to expose, but you need to do so in one fell swoop to the right people. You'll need to expose to their employer, their parents, any children - anyone who is in a position to pressure them to end the A.

Is OM married? That's your main exposure target, along with their employer.

And this is nothing to do anonymously. Make sure everyone knows exactly who you are, and exactly who the adulterers are.

Most important: do not threaten to expose, and don't warn WW or OM that you are going to expose. You need the advantage of surprise.

First i do not appreciate you people trying to screw me with saying you know I'm using a different screen name. I'm trying to get advice, advice that that my WS will not find out about by using a different screen name. Thanks for blowing my cover you said i should not have told her about this site and now you are not helping at all. Your advice was good and I'm trying to do the right thing but you need to quit making me feel like an idiot, your bashing me is not helping at all.

Who said any of this? Seems you are the only one "blowing your cover."

Quit being so defensive and start listening. You are getting sidetracked with minor issues and are going to lose the war.

mbfan, it sounds like you've logged in under a different user name, correct? That is a TOS violation that you probably got flagged on.

It does not remove the fact that you have already shown this site (your handbook for ending her affair) to your wife. You could post under a million different names and she would still know your plans. Do you not see that?

Ok.. Can I play mediator here? I think tensions are high, and there has been some misunderstanding...

MBFAN: We are not trying to make you feel like an idiot. There is a sincere desire to help you. We are all different personalities with different approaches, but we all agree on the principles of MB and desire to help make marriages better. Yes, yours included. Also, we are not trying to screw with you. We are all in the same boat here. Some of us are BS's dome are former WS's... Different end of the adultery boat, but the same boat, brother... I remember your previous thread. There was an encouragement to stay on that thread under your name and to just be more careful about what you post.

Also, there is good advice here. even in the midst of your cover being blown. It has been suggested you make a list of everyone you know that they know, including their employers. Do not make it anonymous. Make it personal. I believe someone has posted a template you can use for exposure? It needs to be quick. it needs to be done without your wayward knowing (or the other man), and it needs to be hard...

Now, remember all those analogies people have used of a fight to save your marriage? Were you ever in a fist fight? Do you remember what that was like? You swung your fists (and feet if you are like me) for all you are worth, right? That's what you need to do.Except the difference between a good fighter and a great fighter is always training. Not all of us are natural fighters. We need to be educated and trained to punch, kick, elbow, knee and even headbutt to win the fight.

A good fighter is like a chess player... he is always thinking about the end. The goal is to capture the king. a good player things 3-4 moves ahead of his opponent. A great one has the whole game mapped out in his head. Fighting is the same. Fighting for your marriage is the same.

You don't tell your opponent: "I am going to punch at your nose now and I am going to follow through with a roundhouse to your right side... between your 3rd and fourth rib". You just do it. You do it without warning because it won't be effective. This is what we are suggesting for your marriage. plan, execute, follow through.

So... MBFAN, are you up for the fight?

To my fellow posters: It is possible that we could show a little more grace. We have all been in his shoes in one way or another.... We can extend a little mercy him here right? Tough love *can* be seasoned with grace...

Now I am stepping off my soapbox in hopes we can get this WW exposed, defogged and restored....

CV

With all due respect, I saw enormous grace in the posts on this thread. This poster is not angry because posters have no grace, but because they are giving him a much needed wake up call. If he doesn't wake up, he is not going to make it and the posters don't want to see that happen.

This bothers me, as I asked you in your first thread if you independently verified whether OM was married and you didn't answer. Can you do some legwork and check on this or not? I would appreciate a Y/N answer. Thanks.

I really would be shocked if your WW would take the time and effort to find the forum and then to find your thread. Don't mention exposure or the site again to her and clear your web browsing history each time after coming here.

mbfan, you are in a BS fog and no one is going to do you any favors by not being very straightforward and blunt with you. There is a thread by "Humbled" who just came back and gave us an update. He was in a fog and had to be 2x4'd too. He woke up and was able to save his M. I recommend you read his thread.

I'm on this website so I do care and I'm trying. Since this has never happened to me before I do not have all the answers but I also can't do whatever everyone says without looking at my own situation and trying to figure out what is best.

I tried to change my screen name so I could hopefully avoid her seeing this and who knows she might be seeing it she might not. I'm not saying anything that if she read would get me in trouble with her but I wanted to get advice and her not know what that advice was so as not to give up my game plan. But someone had to go and say OH YOU CHANGED YOUR ScREEN name we know who you are. Which doens't help. I wasn't trying to hide from you the posters but from the one person that you told me to hide this from. I could have just quit posting altogether and said I can do this on my own. But I value the advice that is being given.

I know he is not married. Not sure if he has a girlfriend. My wife has already read the other thread. Not sure if she knows about this one or not. I have his address, pretty sure he is currently living at home with his parents. I have the names of his parents and 2 brothers. Him, his mom and 2 brothers have facebook accts.

I have a home phone number. His cell, his dads cell as of right now. I was going to drive to his house this morning but was told by a relative not to go their unless I knew he was home because wasn't best to tell his mom I needed to tell him. Not saying that was good advice but by the time i got to his house this morning I'm sure he would have been at work.

I understand what everyone is saying and they are just trying to help. I appreciate that.

I told my wife I would not expose her at work and I'm sure she is nervous about me actually doing that. She has started to look for another job and sent her resume to a friend already which was positive. We work in an industry where burning bridges and just quitting without notice is not a good idea and I understand that and understand why she loves her job so much with all the bad jobs she has had in the past(its complex). And I'm not giving in to her but watching to see what happens next and coming up with a good game plan. I'm not just going to rollover. I need to however be careful and like someone said have a strategy.

I figured exposing him to his family would at least let him know that I'm not going to stand for even him winking at her in a meeting. Doesn't mean I can stop it but maybe have him understand that I can ruin his job. I figured if he knows and his family knows then I have a bit of power. I know the advice above says otherwise and I should just call their boss but I need to sit back and do a bit more research on what if anything is still happening.

At this point I can not expose her to her job. As hard as that is not to do.

I know everyone says not to believe her and I do not fully but I need to at least give her the impression that I do.

She has of course done everything I ask and she could very well be just telling me what I want to hear and I should trust her about anything right now.

You say every situation is not different but sorry to say I have to use some of my own judgment right or wrong. I hope that posters on here can understand that and still help guide me and not make me feel bad about the decisions I'm making. I might be digging my own grave but if there is something still going on between them I know I will find out the truth.

I'm going to make mistakes I'm only human. Cut me a little bit of slack rather then saying "well you can kiss your marriage good bye...." that is not encouraging at all.

You have determined a lot I am not's, as she will not leave her job and is getting her fix at work what are you going to do? We have given you the steps and you are in the no camp , we will be giving you the same advice again and again even as eventually your marriage crumbles we will be saying the same thing.

This is help you save your marriage, there is no way on earth that your marriage will be secure and she exits the affair while she is working with the OM , period.

Edit........To you it may sound like she is doing everything, however she is following a script, dictating the course and you sir are doing your marriage a disservice by not taking the required steps to protect it.

Expose the affair to all his family, her family and get her out of that job.

We can't 'guide' you on your own path. You'll have to do that. No one is trying to make you feel bad, mbfan. What you're reading is the vehement testimony of what other posters did that worked for them, and what didn't. You're hearing posters tell you that your plan has been tried and has not shown a very high success rate.

No one is trying to twist your arm. We're trying to speak to you from a position of experience. At the end of the day, only you can decide what you're going to do.

That's very common in this economic climate, mbfan. The truth is that folks quit their jobs every day. She can put in her notice. No one is going to tar and feather her for putting in a two-week notice of leave.

Your wife is not special, your situation is not unique.

You ignore these things at your own peril.

I hear you loud and clear everyone! I trying.

Let the fear go man and reach down grow a pair and TAKE whats yours. Job-No Job. Whatever your situation is, its not unique to the dynamics of ALL AFFAIRS. Its a hard line you have to draw to kill the A. I smell the fear and it will inevitably lead to your M's demise while your wife eats her cake. (having both of you) All the while looking you straight in the eyes and telling you anything she wants (lie after lie).
I empathize with you but there is no way around this. None. You didnt start it but you can finish it. You may feel like your getting 2x4s here because you are trying to get woken up from your illusions of uniqueness. WAYWARDS are all the SAME. EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! They all say the same crap and do the same crap.
Now get ready for a war you were just dragged into. Listen to these guys plan for the WAR. Buckle down and kill the A.

Just in case you didn't hear it the first time:



All Blessings,
Jerry