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Originally Posted by celticvoyager
Ok pardon my confusion here...

As I was understanding what your husband was suggesting, the open marriage thing was about pursuing sex, not relationships...

There were clear boundaries to NOT pursue a relationship, but just get some nookie.

I really think one of the thing you should do regretful is a long hard search as to why you decided to pursue a relationship and not just say "let's get it on".

I suspect you are not being honest with yourself as to why you followed through with this particular course of action...

1. The guy pursued you, but you didn't tell your husband he was pursuing you

2. You let him catch you, despite your claims there was no interest

3. Not only did you engage with him emotionally, you decided you would give sex a try (and I am guessing there were actions leading up to the sex that were engaged in.. Kissing hugging, petting maybe..)

4. despite being "open" you decided to hide it. Why is that? Because you *knew* it broke the rules, right?

Regretful, it wasn't like you said "hey... bob smith has asked me to have a little fun, I'm taking him up on that on Friday honey.." Instead, you pursued a romantic relationship (albeit a short one), exchanged pictures with a guy you weren't interested in, and engaged in an attempt.

I suspect that maybe there was a revenge factor for you. If not, your H was not filling your ENs and you decided that you were going to let this guy do it.

Let's face it, your husband worked really hard to get you on board and you were hurt by that, right?

Being the list guy I am... Take a paper and pen... Write down everything you were feeling during those conversations, and determine why you would do such a thing. Heck, even if the relationship was open, there was no impetus for you to have to follow through right? You could have allowed him to pursue and stayed perfectly faithful.

CV

Actually Celtic. In Regetful's defense, one of the side deals, if I'm reading this right, is that they wouldn't bring any "hook ups" to light to the other person. To keep it secret and no details. But, I'm getting a feeling that her husband may have been sensing that there was problems in the marriage. Sensing these problems may have resulted in a stupid decision as to opening up the marriage in order not to lose her.

I mean, she hooked up with his best friend. Now, I'm reading that she planned a get away weekend with the sole purpose to hook up with a ramdom stranger and her husband didn't make any moves at all. Leaves me to believe that she was more into the idea of going outside the marriage than he was. I'm sorry if this is a little too....harsh...but it's how I'm seeing it.

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1. When he initially started pursuing me I thought it was a joke. I didn't say anything to my husband because I was afraid of causing a problem between them.

2. When my husband asked me for the arrangement it made me feel like he didn't want me anymore. When the friend started pursuing me more aggressively, I felt wanted again.

3. All we ever talked about was sex. We didn't talk about our days or anything else. The day we made the attempt, he told me a little about his issues and I told him some about mine, but I was not attached emotionally so it was easy to break contact once my husband found out.

4. I did know it was breaking the rules. That was the first thing I said to this guy when he started his pursuit. I told him it would never happen because it breaks the rules and I'm not going to hurt my husband.

We planned to each go away and not be in our immediate areas so we didn't have any uncomfortable run ins with people. We weren't going to talk about what we did. We knew it would make us uncomfortable to talk about it. That should have been a huge clue that neither one of us could handle it.

There is no excuse for what I did and I don't want anyone thinking that I'm trying to avoid responsibility. It doesn't make sense to me. My marriage has always been the most important thing to me. My friends have always made fun of me because I won't even smile at guys. If they try to talk to me, or dance with me when we're out, the first words out of my mouth are "i'm married, I'm not interested" and I usually accompany that with shoving my ring in their face.

I hate what I did.

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Sunny,

What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. I've always had very low self-esteem and my husband always told me how much he loved me, always told me I was beautiful, could never keep his hands off me. No matter what I thought of myself, I knew how much he cared about me and that he didn't want anyone else. I always worried that he would grow tired of me and I was terrified of losing him. When he asked me for an open marriage, it confirmed my worst fears. That I wasn't good enough and he was finally tired of me. No matter what he said to the contrary at the time, saying he wanted to sleep with other people said the opposite to me. That is what hurt the most. Not feeling like I was good enough for him anymore.

The OM may have filled that void temporarily because he was pursuing me while my husband was going to be pursuing others. The OM however, was pursuing my friend as well. He was calling me a whore for ever considering sleeping with strangers. He made me feel even worse than my husband had.

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Crossbar,

The weekend away was to make sure that if I did meet someone, I'd probably never see them out again. My husband had plans to go out with his friends as well, but we wanted to make sure that we wouldn't be running into each other. Even though we'd made the plans to go away though, I still didn't think I'd end up hooking up with anyone.

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Originally Posted by regretfulinMD
Sunny,

What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. I've always had very low self-esteem and my husband always told me how much he loved me, always told me I was beautiful, could never keep his hands off me. No matter what I thought of myself, I knew how much he cared about me and that he didn't want anyone else. I always worried that he would grow tired of me and I was terrified of losing him. When he asked me for an open marriage, it confirmed my worst fears. That I wasn't good enough and he was finally tired of me. No matter what he said to the contrary at the time, saying he wanted to sleep with other people said the opposite to me. That is what hurt the most. Not feeling like I was good enough for him anymore.

The OM may have filled that void temporarily because he was pursuing me while my husband was going to be pursuing others. The OM however, was pursuing my friend as well. He was calling me a whore for ever considering sleeping with strangers. He made me feel even worse than my husband had.

OK, that puts a lot more into perspective than before...

I'm not as quick on the draw as others here, but what is extremely evident to me is that there is some work that needs to be done by both of you. If he is not willing, you can pursue yourself anyway.

What you need to do is read the pages (if you haven't already done so) on the website about boundaries. This is a good place to start.


Then you need to put EPs (extraordinary precautions) into place for yourself. It sounds like you had them in the past but let your defenses down.

My thought is that not only will this help you get back on track personally, but it will also give you something you can show to your husband to reassure him it is not going to happen again. A starting point if you will.

CV


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Okay, I'm not gonna bash on ya anymore! He messed up and you messed up. He can take the blame for 50% of the screw ups in your marriage and you have to own up to the other 50%. BUT, you have to own up to 100% of the affair. Because, let's face it, you had the affair. So, don't go blaming him or pointing fingers saying that this is what we agreed upon...yada...yada... Because when it comes down to it. It was you who was kissing another man, it was you who was touching a man intimately that wasn't your husband.

So, how do we fix it? Action. You can tell him that you love him, you love your life with him and you'll do anything to fix this until the cows come home. He won't believe you. So, he doesn't want to go to marriage counseling just yet? Okay, then you get started on Individual Counseling to work on you! If he see's you're being proactive on trying to fix this, he might start working with you. And it wouldn't surprise me that when you do start to see each other that some hysterical bonding happens. That means that you and your husband end up sleeping with each other everytime you see each other. This happenes a lot and it doesn't last too long. It kind of a way that people try to lay stake to what they believe is their's and not the OM's. Don't take this as things are fine again. Because they are far from being fine. There's still a lot of work to be done.

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Originally Posted by Crossbar
Actually Celtic. In Regetful's defense, one of the side deals, if I'm reading this right, is that they wouldn't bring any "hook ups" to light to the other person. To keep it secret and no details. But, I'm getting a feeling that her husband may have been sensing that there was problems in the marriage. Sensing these problems may have resulted in a stupid decision as to opening up the marriage in order not to lose her.

I mean, she hooked up with his best friend. Now, I'm reading that she planned a get away weekend with the sole purpose to hook up with a ramdom stranger and her husband didn't make any moves at all. Leaves me to believe that she was more into the idea of going outside the marriage than he was. I'm sorry if this is a little too....harsh...but it's how I'm seeing it.

I went back and reread. Thanks for pointing that out.


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Originally Posted by Crossbar
And it would surprise me that when you do start to see each other that some hysterical bonding happens. That means that you and your husband end up sleeping with each other everytime you see each other. This happenes a lot and it doesn't last too long.

Ours lasted 2.5 years... The hysterical bonding... I think I am in need of a vacation... faint


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Originally Posted by regretfulinMD
He is also married and his wife is expecting their first baby next month.

Are you going to tell the BW of your OM?

Last edited by BrainHurts; 05/18/11 01:31 PM.

FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by celticvoyager
Originally Posted by Crossbar
And it would surprise me that when you do start to see each other that some hysterical bonding happens. That means that you and your husband end up sleeping with each other everytime you see each other. This happenes a lot and it doesn't last too long.

Ours lasted 2.5 years... The hysterical bonding... I think I am in need of a vacation... faint

^^^^^LMAO^^^^^^

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This was definitely a wake up call for me. I'm not open to any sort of open relationship and only want to be with my husband. I've definitely turned on the part of my brain that was in control before in how I deal with the opposite sex. I feel like I've changed even what I'm wearing when I'm not with my husband. Instead of wearing things that made me feel good, but also may attract attention from others, I've been more conservative. I had really long hair that used to get a lot of comments and had been considering cutting it off for a change. This motivated me to cut it shorter than I had been planning. I don't want anyone to think I'm available. The only people I talk to other than my husband are my girlfriends, family members and now my therapist. I have put the precautions in place and I will stick to them.

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My husband feels responsible for getting the ball rolling, however, I know that I and I alone am completely responsible for my actions. I do not blame my husband or the OM for what I did. My husband may have suggested something that hurt me and the OM knew my insecurities and played on them, but I did make the decision to do what I did. I know the problems that I have that put me in that bad situation and have already started individual counseling to work on those problems. I needed to get help a very long time ago and I didn't. I'm 4 sessions in and glad I'm doing it.

Hysterical bonding has been going on since about 6 days after my husband found out. It's definitely continued every time we see each other. Even if it started out in a huge argument, it ended up in bed. We know why it's happening and everyone I've talked to has said it's not necessarily a bad thing. I know it isn't a fix, but it's okay right now.

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I have told her exactly what happened.

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Really? You've been in contact with your husband since you've moved out? Okay good! How much contact do you two have? Do you talk everyday?
The hysterical bonding isn't a bad thing, but recongize it for what it is. Some people get lulled into believing that things are going back to normal, if not BETTER than before, it's just not the case.

Now, get ready for the emotional roller coaster. One minute, he'll love you and can't think of a life without you, then the next moment, he doesn't think you guys can work. One minute he'll be laughing and smiling, then next he'll be mad as hell. You just need to be understanding and supportive when this happens.

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How did the friend find out you were a 'cool wife'? Was your husband bragging to his friends, or did you tell the OM?

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Yes. I was out for the first week and a half staying with a friend. Then I moved back in for a couple weeks with the idea that we would live like roommates for awhile due to financial concerns, but that wasn't working. We were too together and then apart and I was checking up on him assuming he was seeing other people and it wasn't healthy. I'm back at my friends, but getting ready to move into my sisters place with her family for awhile to give him space. Hopefully, he'll at least continue talking to me and so we can work on our relationship that way, but he is too confused for me to be there every day.

Your roller coaster description is completely accurate though and in my emotional state it wasn't good for me either.

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My husband's idea was something he'd discussed with this friend before he even told me.

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Originally Posted by regretfulinMD
Yes. I was out for the first week and a half staying with a friend. Then I moved back in for a couple weeks with the idea that we would live like roommates for awhile due to financial concerns, but that wasn't working. We were too together and then apart and I was checking up on him assuming he was seeing other people and it wasn't healthy. I'm back at my friends, but getting ready to move into my sisters place with her family for awhile to give him space. Hopefully, he'll at least continue talking to me and so we can work on our relationship that way, but he is too confused for me to be there every day.

Your roller coaster description is completely accurate though and in my emotional state it wasn't good for me either.

Well, that's when you need to step up and admit you're wrong. You have to swallow your pride and take care of your man. I know you're hurting too. But you have to understand that he was cheated on. His pride and self esteem is non-existant and his male ego is down the toliet. YES! It was his dumb idea; however, you didn't have to follow through with it. Everytime he thinks of you right now the thing he's seeing in his head is you AND the OM. Your marriage is never going to be the same, it is always going to be different. You are always going carry the remorse and guilt over this and he's going to carry the pain of your affair. This isn't going to be easy. But one of the two of you has to step up and put their pain aside for the sake of the other.

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Originally Posted by regretfulinMD
My husband's idea was something he'd discussed with this friend before he even told me.

Ugh.

Glad to see things have worked out so well for you both after freeing yourself from that cult. MrRollieEyes

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I have admitted I was wrong every single day. I will continue to do so. He wants space to figure things out and work on himself. I'm giving him that. After some more discussion, we are going to continue talking about just normal things every day, but once a week we'll get together to really talk face to face. While apart we'll each work on ourselves. While it kills me not to see him every day, I know he needs this and I'm going to respect that.

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