I have been busy reading SAA, HN/HN and LB... so I haven't been back to this site for awhile.. My BH and I have been working hard on our marriage, but we never agreed on the NC letter. He did not want me to write or send anything. So, per the request of my BH, I ignored OM's last attempt to contact me via email (6 wks ago). There has been NC since Feb (3 months).
I haven't thought about OM for awhile.. the fog lifted. My focus has been on my kids and H... and to repair my damage. then I get a voicemail from OM. This sets me in a tail spin. I need to just send a NC letter, but my BH doesn't agree.... that I should just ignore the attempt again. Fog is rolling back in. Help.

How is it that you ALLOW the OM to contact you? Email addresses are easy to change. Phone #s are easy to change. It is UP TO YOU TO CUT OFF CONTACT AND THAT HAS NOT BEEN DONE.

You and your H ignore the OM at your peril. Your continued contact keeps him TOP OF MIND and eventually you will let him through. By not taking steps to affair proof your marriage, you are playing chicken with your marriage.

Is this loser married?

grace, I don't think you understand that no contact is *YOUR* responsibility. If you had taken this seriously, the OM would have never got through.

I did change my number and email address. I even ended a friendship that was a common acquaintance. The only thing I can think of is that he searched online for me and obtained my new contact information. I am a musician and am listed on a website with contact information for lessons.
I pleaded with my H to send OM a NC letter. My BH feels that ANY contact is not a good idea. I asked my BH to contact him then. He doesn't feel comfortable doing that.

No, MelodyLane, the OM is not married.

GloveOil... stay off this thread if I'm wasting your time. I AM SERIOUS about saving my M. EP's were put into place.

That said, I'm new and looking for direction. I've read literally thousands of posts on here and have been helped throughout this painful experience.

In one post, someone mentioned samples of NC letters on this site. Does anyone know the link?

Grace_88, try this one:

Dear friend or family of WW(and MINE too),

I am writing this to ask you to support myself and my family though this difficult period (me in my fight to save my family.

You may not know it, but YYY is in another adulterous affair. I say another because I found out in _____about (insert the affair and type of affair here).

Since then ____has (insert relevant details here)

(I can not hope to save my marriage while Ws is engaged in adultery.)

I know you care about Ws and want only the best for WS and our kids, which clearly being in an adulterous affair is not. Unfortunately WS has chosen to misrepresent the truth of WS's adultery to myself as well as to others.

Many thanks for reading this mail and understanding the difficulties we are going through as a family. I�d appreciate any support in trying to put my family back together. (Thank you.)

Others may want to tweak it with you.

cv

Here is another:

OM,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best wife that he deserves.


Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

WW

Grace, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would use the letter in there. I don't know how you will do it, but I would find a way to make sure the OM doesn't get through again. If you don't block him off and keep him out this could go forever.

Cypress just posted a good one. Thanks, Cypress

Yes, I do have that book, SAA. I will craft the letter and talk with my H again. I need to convince him that this is necessary to send the NC letter.
I was doing well until this latest contact. Hearing from him threw me off.
Thanks also, Cypress, for the sample you posted. It's good!

Show us the letter you plan to eventually use. The letter should be short and to the point. Nothing should give OM the idea that there is any feelings left towards him.

Tell hubby it is important that he agree to a no contact letter. It is more for H's well being that it is for yours. He needs to read it, and you should send it together.

OK... didn't sleep a wink after reading all of the posts in different threads... especially one by "strugglingaz". very good advice from everyone trying to help her. wow, some incredible advice.

I crafted the NC letter using exactly the wording from SAA book from Kevin to Amy to pg. 58 and 59. Just changed the names. I showed it to my H. He respectfully asked that we not send it. He feels that any contact on my part to OM is going to lead to a rebuttal or response from OM.

I tried to explain the MB principles and rationale behind the NC letter concept, and my H understood and respected it. My H is reading LB right now, and he's already read HN/HN. He's on board with the MB concept, but he's not on the same narrow path to recovery that Dr. H. explains. The way I understand it, the road is extremely narrow, and there's no room for missing one step.

I had to drop the conversation with H for now. I have to respect his right to disagree. After all, I screwed up, and I need him to have power here.

It does feel good to be completely honest with H. I'm glad I took another attempt. My H does not like to ever discuss the A. I've tried to get him to consider counseling, but I think his approach is, "if I don't think about it or talk about it, I'll eventually get over it". So, it's very hard for me to bring anything up with him that has to do with the A.

Long-winded here. Thanks for the helpful posts!

NC letter that i wrote... wording from SAA

OM,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my H and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a gread deal for miy family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship. Sincerely, grace

Grace,

Good letter

Talking about the A will be painful, but its important to do so. It will reduce resentment later on. And, it will eventually lead to a stronger marriage, if both of you do the work. Find the marriage successes threads. All the couples eventually opened up about the A.

It's good he's reading HN/HN. Get him to read SAA next. And, both of you do the EN exercises.

How would the OM respond if you have cut off contact? That is where I would focus, grace, cutting off any avenue of contact. If the OM is contacting you via cell phone, have your H be the one to check your voicemails. I would think of creative ways to prevent him from getting through.


That is good, as long as it doesn't preclude recovery tactics. Your H is right that not talking about it is the way to get over it, BUT that does not include avoiding the recovery of your marriage. Having no plan to recover your marriage is a plan to FAIL. Right now your marriage is a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. It won't get fixed on its own.

Instead of him reading His Needs, Her Needs, I would recommend he read Survivng an Affair. Has he read that?

Ok, this is why I should not be allowed to post after midnight!! I posted an exposure letter not a NC letter... Thanks for posting the right one!

CV