You are not blowing up your marriage, you are blowing up the affair. BIG DIFFERENCE. You blow up your marriage by NOT exposing, because keeping the affair a secret only serves to protect it. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Most of the recovered marriages here used exposure to save our marriages. Dr Harley has been saving marriages for 40 years and here is what he says about exposure:

here

Please do this.

Take it from me...I resisted and resisted on exposure....I exposed in March -- should've done it in December.

Could be 3 more months into recovery, with a lot less resentment, if I hadn't waited.

It may not guarantee the M will be saved, but it will end the A.

Elph track down his parents as well , expose as far and wide into his family as you can. Only once you have done this confront your wife and if you so chose him.

I feel as I can see no fear here, you will do this. Be nothing but relentless in killing this A. There is no single task more important than destroying the A's hope of survival. As long as it does survive your WW will not get on board to a long term plan to recover.
NUKE IT!
There are many of us BS's on here that have been barbarically ruthless to the OM. Any man that will go to a WWs employment office and do this face to face has his set firmly in place. Thats what it takes to kill an A. I like it. Just be diplomatic about it and it will go well. If they ask you to leave do it. Be cunning and cool headed.

thanks guys...i just wish i did this after d day, instead of letting it fester more...

she got to me though..no communication for a week, then it started back up, then my mom in law confronted him and he said hed back off, as we went to monterey for a great weekend where she told me alot, she was heartboken and it really sounded like she was coming out of the fog, only to find out later that they started using her friend/coworker as a go between...

there are key people at her job i can tell, in both terms of power/influence and gossiping ability...its going to be very uncomfortable for her and most importantly for him since hes a department head...

and thats fine..you reap what you sow..

and i know my wife will hate me...she said if i ever did this it would be over...but shes shown its over anyway sooo...

i gave him a warning to back off, texted to him and have it backed up...hes been warned...

now the repercussions...at best, he just gets transfered, she comes out of the fog (if shes even really in it) maybe realizes what shes losing, and decided to work at marriage...

i dont think this is happening. im giving her a letter (the best way to communicate with her) to tell her im aware of all this, i told her a realionship of any kind means none of any kind with me (her fear is losing me as a best friend)

another possible scenario...he gets transferd,maybe her too...her rep at job is damaged...the affair ends, she continues her therepy to "find herself", realizes what shes losing decides she actually want not inlove with me, just confused..

worst likly scenarios.

they both get transferd, she does thereapy, heals herself...thye reconnect at a later time and date.

he gets fired, she gets transferd...lotsa hate, eventual legal separation..



my favorite scenario...
he gets fired, family is disgusted at him ex gets evertything in divorce.gets run over by a car. my wife wallows for awhile, comes back super remorseful at realizing what a big mistake she made and does everything possible for reconciliation...renew vows in 2 years...

of course that isnt gonna happen,
in all this i dont even think she can fathom how this is gonna affect our son..2 of her three friends are single mothers whos kids are teen or older...i think she sees them and hinks she can do it..but her friends are miserable failures of human beings..to help her with this...she has another co worker who lives with his ex. they have a leagal separation and new others, i think she sees these things and thinks its all perfectly normal and thats whatll happen...those people are the exception not the rule...like im just gonna be happy about this...

im gonna go in very businesslike, talk to him, then talk to co workers, and end with the manager..ill have emials set up to send at the push of a button..i sucks for my wife it came down to this, but she should have though about that before she hadan affair with a coworker...

plus if she complains, if their love was so great, why not go tell everybody about it, i mean hes so awesome...let evetybody know why not......oh wait..

LOL @ your style elph. You will do good here.
IF in fact you want your WW back then Immediately tell her what it will take for you to remain in the M. After her rants about the Exposure that is.
1) NC for LIFE, Never
2) A plan of recovery for the M that builds Romantic Love

Do you have surviving an affair yet from the bookstore here? If not get it.
Plan on Fog and to plan A while preparing for plan B. NO love busting. Show her what she will be missing.
It sucks for you man not a WW. It sucks for your Son. I never skip the opportunity to point out to my FWW what she could have done. Its called being accountable. I do it with cunning to not love bust, but I do it. We have a few people in our circles that struggle after A's and a D. We see what it does to them and there children. Travesty's really.
Stand up and take yours like the man you are. Hold her accountable and let her make the right compensation. You may come out of this with Option HM. Happy M filled with Open, honesty, care, time and romantic Love. Thats what we shoot for around here. It will be hard but it can be achieved. Its taken me 5 years of listening to this board to get there.

Our Goal is he gets fired or she quits, his family is disgusted at him His ex gets evertything in divorce. A slow painful something for POSOM. My wife wallows for awhile, comes back super remorseful at realizing what a big mistake she made and does everything possible for reconciliation...renew vows in 2 years RECOVERED and happily M...

i like your style...

ive been doing everything i can for the past 3 months to get my wife to realize that ive gone back and figured everything i did wrong in our marriage..
i was in a "life" fog. new kid, new house...job on the brink...lifes stressors got to me and turned me into a super serious guy, who put romance on the back burner, alot of our time was focusing on our son. my wife woke up at 3 for work went to bed around 830, i worked a 9-5 and got home about 6ish...i knew this going in, and figured it may happen, but never though it would get that bad..a few other problems, but that the jist of it...

unfortunaly i also became a little clingy and such...so for the past month ive been working on myself, all while i though she had tapered things off and was healing herself..

but i was wrong....i told her that he can and i can not share the same universe, if thye continue anything, she loses me..which is whats gonna happen...
i cant kick her out, but i can make it uncomfortable, show her im serious...

at the same time, i expose everything to those that matter....


ive read alot of books,

the main one form here,
not just friends which i really liked
first aid for the betrayed,
divorce busting,

and a few others.

as well
no more mr. nice guy and hold on to your nuts, which have been really helpful...

the one book i liked is called how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda mcdonald...

this one i really like because its written in plain english and is easy to digest and give some perpective form our side..

thats the book im going to hav emy wife read, if she follows that, then reconcilliation can happen...the we can fix the marriage...


but right now, i dont think itll ever happen

Elph, the best book written about infidelity is Surviving an Affair. You really ought to check that out. That is the program we used around here.

Are you all set for a massive exposure on Wednesday? What about the OM's parents? Do you have this all lined up to expose on the same day?

ive read through half of the book...because my wife is still in the affair ive had trouble getting through the rest because she simply wont hear me...if she gets out ill go back to it,but the jon and sue story definetly struck a nerve, and made me realize how "text book" my wife is. i know she still loves and cares about me, but she is so clouded by this guys its not funny. shes been late for work on his days off so they can meet up early in the morning. my wife, who has never had a problem with her bills and such has often been late since the affair started, for the past 5 months or so we get calls and letters saying that shes past due....it really is obsesive and she cant see it, but then again, thats the fog (if shes really in it)


my current reading has had a lot to do with building me up and preparing to move on if nescasary,

but the plan so far is ready. i preparing some final stuff. ill be revising a letter im going to give her...its not quite plan B, but its to inform her i know of the things that have been going on in detail. to let her know that i will not stand for it and that she has lost me a s afriend because shes made her decision to carry on the affair. ill try to with hold showing her the texts, like someone else said, they know what theyve did wrong..and she knows what the proof is. shell probably get rid of her phone, thus eliminating my ability to monitor, but thats fine, im done with this anyway...shes done enough damage.


as for him. it would seem somewhat counter productive to tell him to stay away from my wife when i am in fact going to be doing something similar, so ill have to rephrase it to get him to stay away, but at the same time hes been warned, he crossed a boundary going after a married woman and manipulating her, but he crossed the line bringing my son into this...ill simply let him know that everything that happens henceforth is a direct result of his actions, and that he should back away and leave my FAMILY alone...that i have copies of texts and people at his work that have let me know stuff (that last parts a lie, but itll F with him some)

either way is exposure city.. i have a list of who to go to, and how. ill have several emails ready to go at the push of a button to the right people. his parents will be informed and i have copies of certain texts to them to let them know that im serious, including a convo between the OM mom and my wife.

and the last part, i have a appt. with a family lawyer in the afternoon to get info and discuss my options/rights as it pertains to our living situation....i want her to know that im serious, that if she wants to be with him, then she needs to go, shes lost her best friend, ive tried my hardest to be accomadating as she "heals" form their last apparent break up. but it came with the one condition, which she has violated.


if all goes well, within the next 3 months shell wise up, and want to do what it takes to reconcile....if not sooner...till then i live for me and my son...

so i go home confidant and in control...shell get in my face and ill just walk away...

What are you waiting for?

Hit the d*amn send button.

What is this about? Your wife spoke to the OM's mother?

theyre buddy buddy,weve gone over to bbqs a few years ago but recently shes gone to her for advice...esp about this situation, but the mom doesn't know everything...so theres that, but she doesnt know what i know

Elph, can you help us here with approximate ages of the major players in this case: you, WW, OM, OM's mom ?

Ww-34
OM-34
OM mom 60 I think.

Me 36.

Me-the most mature out of all of them

okay,

im stressing a little bout tomorrow...trying to get my ducks limes up in a row...

what to say to him for one, besides go F yourself...
getting ready to deal with my wife...she seems so determined to get out of our marriage, yet she hasnt filed for anything...also determined to remain friends...that sounds like fog talk right...

im not afraid of doing what i have to do, im afraid of the ourcome, even though i know i have no control over it...

i feel as if im staring the end of a 17 year relationship in the face. i fear not making anymore memories with my wife. i fear the effect this will have on my child...

i still have a hard time wrapping around the idea that this has happened, and ive known since late feb. that somewhere in her head she gave her self the mental ok for this...i keep hoping that he just happened to be the right guy at the right time as opposed to her actually being attracted to the chud...

and im afraid that ill never have a shot at repairing the marriage and making it better...

i know these are fairly normal feeling to have, but it sure as [censored] dont make it easier...

elph, I don't think going to his workplace is a good idea. Confronting him will cause more harm than good. You will be treated as a crazy and probably hauled off to jail. On the other hand, if you send a certified letter to some KEY decision makers, it will be taken seriously by his employer. But if you go up there and disrupt the workplace you won't have the support of his employers. You will be easily dismissed as a nut.

I am confused about why you think exposure will spell end your marriage? Surely you realize that the affair will kill your marriage and if you don't do something to bust up the affair you will end up divorced.

What EXACTLY is your plan? Your plan does not seem clear at all.

Here is the thing, elph, confronting the OM is good, but it is not something that is likely to kill the affair in this case. You have already done that. You have a much greater weapon by EXPOSING the affair. A more strategic approach would be to expose the affair wide and far tomorrow and maybe confront him later in the week at his house.

Tomorrow, I would expose to his workplace, ie: Director of Human Resources, a key VP and their supervisors, ccing EACH of them so no one gives into the temptation to throw away your letter.

Then call the OM's mother and give her all the facts. Let her know that you will fight for your marriage and will raise holy legal hell with her white trash son.

Expose to any all family members AND the OM's facebook friends.

And most of all, TELL YOUR WIFE AND THE OM THAT HIS WIFE KNOWS. If his wife is too loony to confront him, then you should tell him.

But don't go down to the workplace and confront the OM. That will just land you in jail.

Elph,

I just recently re-exposed after having a false recovery-I called the OM mother and let her know of the deal---OM went ape sh--! Threatened to end me and all of that jazz so I must of hit a nerve.

He carries a gun! I told him I knew of that and all that told me was that he was a coward for doing so! (I told him that as well)

This is YOUR LIFE--in the end you need to know that you did everything in your will to try to make your marriage work-I don't question what I've done yet--except I should've done the mother exposure the first time around. I can walk away knowing that I have tried!

Be proactive my man! NO FEAR

I am normally in agreement with Melody. This is usually not best to do in person. I did. I was a regular at her employer and knew most of them well.
I scheduled with the CEO/Owner and we had the CFO on conference. When I got there we added HR MGMT after about 5 minutes into it.
I confronted him at his office door. I spoke as calmly as I could. I then bombed the inbox of all 90 employees as I got into my vehicle.
It can be done but it is a hairy situation most times. If you cant control yourself as I seen anger in what you want to tell him. Do it remotely.