I got a couple of questions about Plan B. Back story: Started Plan B 2 weeks ago. WH broke NC 3 days ago by using BILs phone so I would answer and claimed it was important that I talk to him. Our insurance was cancelled. Tgen when I picked up my D the next night he came out instead of BIL. He's emailed me a couple of times, but I do not respond. So back on dark Plan B 2 days now.
Questions:
What happens if WS does not live with OW? Does plan B still have the same effect...WH lives with his mom and OW lives with hers 2 hrs away. WH claims he has no plans to ever move with her.

With WH clearly disrespecting my request for NC, how do I go by making sure it doesn't happen again without having to keep my D from him? He watches her on Tues and Thurs because I go to college on those days. I've blocked his calls and text and had his emails blocked, but he uses anything he can get his hands on to contact me, I.e. BILs phone, MILs home phone, work phone...

How far back has my progress been pushed since contact was made? So I allowed my WH to get his fix on the emtional needs he gets from me, so now what, back to square one? Me being depressed again waiting for him to contact me, and him enjoying OW. He will be with her for 4 days this weekend because he has to be in her city for work.

Do you have an IM? Is there a way to exchange DD without you having to risk seeing WH? I don't know that you were set back very far since it's only been a few days but it has slowed your progress a bit.

I would just tell you to think of all the ways your WH may try to contact you and do what you can to prevent it.

The problem is that my IM is my BIL. That has been working great up until now. I hadn't physically seen WH for a month until he came out the other day when I picked up my D. I can't see any other way to get my D to him. I drop her off at 6:30 am. My MIL is the one that comes out and gets her then an WH isn't even awake yet. The problem is in the evenings when I pick her up. He says he has tried to respect my wishes and not contact me. He did great for maybe 4 days but then thats when we spoke on the phone. I know since he'll b gone for 4 days with her I won't get any contact from him so I can at least recover from the contact, but he won't be affected since he's with OW.

If your IM is your BIL, but he is the one who has allowed/assisted your WH with contact, then you need a new IM.

If I were you, I'd also find someone else to do pickup of your D.

Look around for a new IM and possibly have another way for drop off/pick up.

Plan B will have the same effect on WH whether he lives with OW or mom. Also, just cause he SAYS he has no plans to live with OW....do not believe it. He may believe his own lies since he has been telling them with his affair. He has had to compartmentalize and live a secret double life and he has no clue what he is doing or will do.

Ideally, you have no contact with WH in plan B and you find ways to batten up your walls and plug holes. It is a challenge but one that you get better at with experience.

How would I go by getting a new IM and drop off plan for DD. We had just moved in with MIL a week before DDay. I was pregnant at the time and didn't really go out so I don't exactly know anyone here. The only people I know are my WHs family. I'm pretty much alone here. My family lives in Colorado.

I want to get this right. I want my family back together, for my DD especially. Any ideas would be helpful.

Start getting social. Expand your network.
Mommy's groups? Book clubs? Church? etc.

Get out and about and meet people so you are not as vulnerable to lack of support anyway.

Meanwhile, brainstorm each day of possible IMs.

Reading,
I joined meetup.com a couple of days ago. I'm going to attend some of ghe group event so I can make some friends of my own.

Would it help to send the NC letter again to my WH or should I just keep ip with the NC and hope he respects my wishes this time?

In the event that he does contact me again what do I say to him?

Don't send it again. He got it once and you just have to show you darn tooten mean it.

If he contacts you again say "Have you ended your affair and are you prepared to rebuild our marriage and romantic relationship?" If he says anything to you that is not "Yes", then say "respect my boundaries and only communicate about important issues through my intermediary"

Rinse and repeat.

Don't lovebust if he tries to communicate with you but tell him to respect your boundaries. Over and over again with a firm but beautiful smile.

He will get the idea that you mean business if you are consistant.

Also, close holes that he might approach you through. Try to outguess how he might try to see or talk with you and avoid them if possible.

Thx reading. I won't send it again. And thanks for telling me what I should say. I think I read that somewhere on here....
I just realized that when we spoke on the phone I LBd big time. One huge complaint for him with me was that I always critcized him or I never backed him up, I was never on his side. He was right. I've realized that. Well anyways, when we spoke he told me that his IC told him he should quit drinking for a month, he has been drinking nonstop since this all started and his father is an alcoholic, I burst out laughing and said with the lifestyle he has now I don't believe he could do it. So basically I LBd and then sent him off with OW to get all the support he needed!!
HUGE mistake on my part right? I still don't know if plan b was a good idea at this point. I LBd big time when we were still living together. I did do all the Plan A stuff, except the not LBing. I even made it seem like I didn't want to work it out with WH. I printed out faje D papers and drilled him for weeks to sign them in the hopes that he would wake up. Instead he wound up signing them because he said he thought there was no hope for us since I was pushing him away so much. =( I definitely didn't paint myself in a good light in Plan A. I only started plan b because I couldn't take the pain of knowing about the A and I wanted to protect my M from anymore LBs on my part. Any ideas on this?

As far as new IMs go, for now until I can find a new one I have told my bil that if he calls I will let it go to voicemail and he can leave a message to let me know its him than I will call back. We now have a code word for texting so I can make sure its him, and I will not park in the driveway but on the side street when I pick up my DD so if I see him come out I can just leave until bil lets me know its safe. BIL will let WH know about the pick up situation so he doesn't say I'm being childish like before.

Also, I spoke to BIL about WS coming out to talk to me amd using his phone. BIL said he didn't think I was serious about the NC since we've said it all before and it never happened. So now he knows I am serious and he will take every precaution to make sure WH respects my wishes. In any case I will look for another IM.

Ugh, I wish I could help. In some ways I wish that my WH would try to break Plan B just because it would seem like he cares.... but I can see that would be its own difficulty.... sorry that you are dealing with it...

Thx Mehr, I wish I could help you too. At least you got your WH to even try NC with OW. I couldn't even get my WH to do that! He did write a NC to OW once and let me read it but all it done was blame me on why they can't be together because "I was going to take his daughter away from him" so I knew it wasn't going to stick.

So yesterday I was mini golfing with BIL and some friends...fun, fun!!....and WH texts BIL asking if I was calling him because he kept on getting calls from a private #. BIL tells him no. he says are you sure?, BIL saysshe's standing right next to me. Then WH has the nerve to say "tell her I said hi" Seriously! I really don't think WH is taking this plan b seriously. I think I messed that up when I allowed him to break contact 5 days ago! What now?

What about having your H pick up the child at your house for visitation? That way he can't speak to you. As far as him getting through on the phone, I would start letting everything roll to voicemail that looks suspicious.

My concern about using your BIL for an IM is that he can't possibly be neutral. Is he doing a good job of screening your H's messages and passing on only pertinent info about finances, etc IN HIS OWN WORDS?

Well, here is the answer to my question. The BIL is not screening communications. It is not your WH's job to take Plan B seriously, IT IS YOUR JOB. Plan B is YOUR DEAL, not his. Your BIL is your IM and he shouldn't pass on ANY MESSAGES from your H that are not according to your letter. He should have NEVER told you about that communication yesterday.

The bad thing about this is that your BIL is keeping your WS informed of all your actitivies so this is not really a Plan B. He is an advocate for your husband and is operating in HIS best interest, not yours.

ML, you are right inthat I should have never known about those texts. In my BILs defense, it wasn't him that told me aboit it but his friend who was using his phone at the time. But you are correct in that it isn't realistic for me to think that my BIL would be acting in my interest since he is my WHs brother. I am actively teying to find a new IM at this time.

As far as my WH picking up DD at my house....he doesn't know where I live and I'd like to keep it that way. I know my H. If he knew where I lived he would definitely try to weasel his way in and stay here. Not gonna happen! BIL gets his license in a few days, hopefully, so I asked him if he could come pick DD up or meet me halfway. We only live a few minites away so I would be ok with him driving her.

I am at least taking plan b seriously. I feel like everytime we communicate all the hurt and pain of the A comes flooding back. I don't want that anymore. Even though I miss my H sooo much, I feel more at piece not knowing about his, whereabouts or the A.

ML nobody has answered my questions as of yet. Maybe you could help. I guess I haven't really asked it the right way. So here goes. If I failed miserably at mot LBing in Plan A, how bad did it hurt my chances that WH would end the A and come back to our M?

If you were lovebusting in Plan A, then you HELPED your chances by going into Plan B. That is because the lovebusting would have only grown worse the longer you stayed in Plan A. For women, Plan A is very traumatic and it doesn't help your marriage very much. It is much better to move to Plan B sooner rather than later.

Thanks. That was my thought on it. I just wasn't sure if it was right. I do see my WH eventually coming back to the M but even he said that I was hurting our chances of ever recovering by how I was acting. Its funny but my H is actively trying to change as a person because he has realized what he put me through most of our relationship. To be honest, he was the taker and I was the giver for our relationship. We always did what he wanted. I never had a say so in anything. Even dinners were his choice, so I ate what he wanted for dinner not what I wanted. He has realized this plus his anger issues so he is going to IC for this reason. I just wonder if this is benefiting me or the OW more since his changes are being utilized in their relationshipnow instead of ours.

I agree about your plan A.
If you couldn't contain your LBing....at least in plan B you shall!

It would be great if BIL would fetch and hand over for child visitation for now. Does he already know where you live? If not, he would tell WH where if he did that.

Meanwhile, keep looking for a possible other IM.

And since you messed up and allowed contact five days ago you just do something I refer to (with help of an old MB post of someone else's) as:

going back behind the castle walls and pulling up the drawbridge and fortifying the sanctuary

[quote=reading
And since you messed up and allowed contact five days ago you just do something I refer to (with help of an old MB post of someone else's) as:

going back behind the castle walls and pulling up the drawbridge and fortifying the sanctuary [/quote]

Haha love that reading! I will do that!

BIL does know where I live. He actually helped me move. He has no plans of telling H whrre I live cuz he says he seen how we fight when we're together and how I get emotionally hurt everytime and doesn't want that for me or my DD so he's sticking to his guns on that one.

I WONDER...this has been bothering me for quite some time now. My WH once wrote me an email, maybe about 2 months ago or so, saying how no woman will ever have any power over me, he will never be happy with anyone else (I told him once that I will be happy again someday without him), and that he will never hate me and OW hates that he doesn't. He also told me that he doesn't even think that he loves OW and that he knows it was infatuation in the beginning. When we spoke on the phone he told me he had no one to talk to since I cut contact. I was always his shoulder to cry on when he had problems. He didn't want to even mention OW which is not like him (he usually tells me EVERYTHING about their relationship). Has any of your WS ever said things like this? Is this a sign that maybe he will end it soon or should I just take all this with a grain of salt?

Don't try to outguess signs.

He might come back he might not.

You can not surmise. You just can't.

My WH loved and loves me. I know he does and yet he has not ended his affair to rebuild our marriage and family.

I am staying out of it (plan B) to see if and when it dies a natural death.

You gotta HOPE the wayward is not totally content with what the OP has to offer. That there IS a void that you and only you can fill.

Fingers crossed for each of us


Meanwhile, the betrayed in plan B get all over stronger