Glad to hear it Itsaname. Especially with this latest info about your stbxww's behavior, I can see that he desperately needs someone rooted in truth and stability. He needs a pillar of strength, a calm river; I know you can provide that. It also gives you something to focus on besides the craziness; your son now is the priority - nothing stbxww does says or feels matters a hoot.

opt

Hehe. Classic itsa sarcasm at it's finest.



Well, I can only assume that she got it fixed herself. I did notice this afternoon that her bicycle is gone. So, apparently the car was within bike riding distance. Who really knows. It wouldn't even shock me if she was parked somewhere 'teenager style' all night.


AMEN!





That little lady "Time", she heals all wounds.

opt, you ground it in me early that the priorities are 1)DS 2)itsa.

Of course, I followed that before anyway. The first time 3 years ago, when she just turned tail and went back to Germany, I didn't have any other option. Gibraltar didn't have nothin on me! I tried to envision myself as Jachim and Boaz...

After a short bid of self-doubting, I'm getting back to what I've done over the past few months. I will not worry about stepping on toes, nor overly question my goals and motives.

Well,

Got through part one of my parenting class today. Man, if that doesn't make you feel like you're doing it all wrong or what? But, at least I have a week to let that soak in before part 2.

I have to keep reminding myself that most of these co-parenting concepts are "designed" for 2 HEALTHY, RESPONSIBLE adults. Parallel Parenting is looking like a much better option to me...

The car battery comment of hers? I get that you are probably good hearted enough to help her, but that wayward entitled attitude is pathetic.



Yeah, I can't really see her co-parenting. She's not doing it now.

Honestly, I don't even think the battery was the issue. I noticed an empty bottle of wine in the trash later that day too. It doesn't really matter. She never did clarify if she was expecting me to fix it, or if she was letting me know that she was going to fix it. The only thing I would have done, is get it off the side of the road; if that were the case, since the car is still in my name and I'm the one who'll be responsible for the ticket/fine. Nice...I've tried nice. Now I try fair. It's working much better for me.




Not to pull a play out of the wayward book and rewrite history. But, she's never really played that. The 1st 3 years of DS's life were almost completely controlled by STBXWW. I used to joke that I was going to get him a bubble for his birthday, and he could just stay in there all the time. Put it this way. My mother flew to Germany when DS was a little more than a month old. She was there for a week. STBXWW didn't let my mother hold DS once. Not one time. I always think of that now, when she tries to blame me for being controlling...

Oh, and good to see you all over the place tonight!

Maybe that's why her note wasn't so clear.



Good to hear it. I get what you're saying, but honestly, none of this seems fair to me. If I were to describe "fair" in my situation, the story would probably end with me being in jail.



Wow...I've heard of being protective, but to not let your mother hold him seems over the top. I guess she did/does have her issues.

My stbx pulled the same controlling crap on me. He was so controlling, in so many ways, and he could not see it. Whatever.



Thanks Itsa. It's good to have the energy and time to post tonight. It's good to still see you here. (Not that I want any of us to be here.)

Btw...I HATE the divorce process. Tons of paperwork, lifetime decisions hanging over your head, expensive, and slow. AND you have to do it all while already emotionally exhausted.

WHY DOES IT STILL AFFECT ME!?!?!?!

STBXWW is off with her new OM. Well, I'm assuming of course. She was off work today, and the "time" she spent with DS was full of texting. She eventually took him to the Dollar Store this evening and bought him some toys. Then when they got back, she runs off to dinner with "friends", according to DS. (Note, I hate asking him. But, I'm trying to see what she's telling him.)

She has yet to return. And here I am, starting to get that tugging feeling. You all know. That one where you just keep asking yourself "what do they have that I don't?"...

I thought I was past this. While I can appreciate her "distraction", with regards to the legal aspects. I can't appreciate what she's doing to me and DS personally. I know it's not me. I know it's not what I've done or not done. But, I'm still asking the question. And still feeling those emotions that make you want to find OM, and duke it out; hoping she'll "get it".

Oh, but I did find out today that the car did indeed have a dead battery last week. Found a receipt from a local wrecker service for a jump start. $75 to boot. That's gotta hurt! Debating on calling the shop to see if they can give me an address of where the car was jumped. Not real sure what it'll do for me, other than maybe feed my need to uncover another part of a another lie.

To those of who who've gone through it (opt, Limbo, SOL), how in the h3ll did you guys deal with the continued waytardness while the EX's were still in the house? I thought I had it licked...apparently not.

Sorry you are going through the questioning feelings still. I wish I had an easy answer for you regarding how to deal with witnessing continued wayward behavior. For me it was not a quick nor easy process. I poured everything I had into trying to save my marriage. I was consumed mentally, emotionally and spiritually for a very long time. Eventually, slowly over time, I really did lose all my love for her.

At a certain point, I think around August 2010, I began to consciously try to detach. I still had a sliver of love left, but I began to surrender. I gave up trying and started to focus more on my boys and myself. By the time she left for Oz, I was so relieved just to have her out of the house. By the time she returned two months later, I was more than ready for divorce, but I still don't think I was completely detached still, as she still made me pretty angry.

Now over the last two months, post-divorce, I feel completely detached from her. She is still very foggy and wayward. She is openly dating other guys and I can honestly say it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't feel angry or sad about what could have been. I know I had done all that I could for the marriage- for the boys. I have no regrets and I'm ready to move on. I guess if I had any feelings about Pinky anymore, the closest would be pity. It's just a shame what she is doing to our boys, but I cannot affect her and I no longer try. Now I focus on doing the best I can with the boys and will begin documenting.

By the way, she started moving out this weekend and spend last night and tonight at her new place. I feel great. Hang in there and acknowledge and deal with your feelings. Don't just bury them. In time you will detach more and she will no longer affect you negatively or positively. That freedom is priceless after what we have been through.

Once we started mediation, stbxww went on a househunting expedition (apartments, condos, etc) with OM#2. One day D9 looked out her classroom window and saw them touring a house together right across from the school. Sick.

They just don't think.

It does get better.

sorry, I just don't have much to offer.

opt

They have a lack of integrity and poor judgement. They are self-centered liars. You don't want to be like them. Trust me.

I don't know if you've met the OM in this mess, but generally speaking the AP is "less than" the marriage partner.

In a sick and twisted way, it was healing for me when my WH introduced two of our DDs to his AP. (Yes, it was long before the divorce was final ) My 19yo DD came home and told me that the OW looks like a dried-up, old hag.

Trust me, you are a better man than the OM. You deserve a better woman than your WW. It will take time for you to heal from all this. I'm sorry. But, that's what it takes.

Also, don't even expect the healing to really begin until she is out of your home. When you see her on a regular basis, it's like constantly picking at a scab. You have to leave a wound alone so it will heal, and you have to physically separate from your WW to get better emotionally.

Yeah Itsa, My DD19 told my the happy affairage couple when she had dinner at thier house with her boyfriend, and WW was going on about how they were gonna get married and he was gonna by a house.."Thats nice Mom, but we will never be visiting you there..". My other DSs hated the guy, and when I was all broke up and feeling like he was stealing my family, and he was becoming like thier Dad, DS17 said vehemently, "That man could never be my father!".

They never got married, and he was an alchy with a coke problem, and now I really just feel sorry for him. My youngest said he was a blowhard and and tried to be a nice guy and help Mom, but he had nothing on me. That was from a 13 yr old. He was allways a sharp and respectful kid, and he saw this from a very adult perspective. He felt sorry for him too.

OM finally kicked her out and she had to come home very sick. she never said she was sorry and rarely said I love you or showed affection ever again. I blame the drugs and the fact she was so far gone into dopamine addiction provision land that she just could not come back, even with counsel and support from her family. what a totally different person from the woman we all knew as the kids grew up. It was just like she was an alien Pod person.

OM was like so many guys I knew, and bought the lies my WW sold him, because she was beautiful and a hard sell artist, and he was convinced he had something special, because she told him he did. But instead of being confident and man enough to laugh that off, and see through it, he was a desparate lonley man, willing to buy what she offered, and supply her with drink and drugs. I really pity him now, and the day he called me and said he was sorry, then said nothing as I tried to explain how messed up my wife had become, still haunts me.

She was hard to resist when she turned on the charm and acted like Jessica Rabbit and Marilyn Monroe in combination with a strong women who insisted she knew what she wanted, but I knew it was all an act she concocted for the weak minded. Like I said before, she had an exotic beauty, and was offered many model positions, but that fantasy is not what I saw in her, and she knew it. She knew how to use it though, and slipped into that character and did wnat to come out of it. Can you guess why? Because it was the easy way out.

So OM has nothing, not even a good version of your WW. He has a cheap counterfiet copy, rotting from the inside out. You will see this in time, and there is anly so far,(Trust me on this),that you can go to help her. My WWs OM had two cars, a harley, a house given to him by his Mom and Dad, a decent job and a convieneint alc and drug habit to offer.

I had a history of getting through hard times, a close family who never realized they were poor, and a period of time with her when she was clean and sober and loving me with every inch of her heart and soul in the real world not hiding in substance abuse. I have the children who remember her when she was that way, and love that memory of her and how much Dad and Mom loved each other and how we would never lose that. How close the family was and still are. I was a part of that.

So who had the more valuable asset? Who has what is timeless still? OM has nothing my friend that you want, not even the Pod that was once your W.

Wow. I did not expect this many responses. Hopefully I can get to some specific replies later. For now though, I can only say thank you to all of you.

You're all right, of course. I was thinking most of this in my head as I was typing out that post. We all have our unpleasant moments, but like I said to MJ a few days ago. The fact that we don't runaway from our problems, is what makes us buyers.

Somebody get me off this ride...

I heard this song in Toys R Us with DS today. I almost lost my legs. This song came out when DS was 1, and it was added to the list of "our" songs for STBXWW and I. From the first note, I immediately remembered how we were back then. How she was. Even though neither were like when we first married. And truth be told, that was soon after our relationship was REALLY sliding away. After a year of a child-centric relationship, it was getting difficult to be around each other. But, I'd still take "those" days over "these" days.



Knowing that "this" is dead, has kept the tears away. I hope someday I'll be able to just remember the good days. I've got most of them blocked right now...

I don't know what's more painful. The betrayals; the disregard for everything I envisioned for our family. Or, that she's just content to drag this out so that she doesn't have to face it all. No, I wasn't all that happy. We lived with our Takers for too many years. But, I still had so many wonderful dreams for us.

To my STBXWW: If you were to ever read this, I want you to know that even now, I would love for us to lay here, and just forget the world. I never promised to be perfect for you; just that I would give you the rest of my life. I'm sure you didn't intend for this to end up like this. But, I cannot accept that it has.

To everyone else: I know I'm just lonely, hurt, weary, scared...human. And that this whole situation isn't all my doing. To those who "warned" me a long time ago; you can now say "I told you so". But, this is a lesson I had to learn on my own. Learned I have. My future is unwritten. And I now have sharper tools to chisel that future with. I look forward to some peace. It is within reach. I just have to be patient. Something that anyone who knows me, will never question if I have it. I thank each and everyone of you who has advised me, or just simply let me talk your head off or cry on your shoulder.

(((((itsaname))))) I'm so sorry. It'll get better.

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[{{{{{{{{Itsa}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I understand your grief. I am so sorry for your pain.

I agree with Kirby. I WILL get better.

Btw...beautiful song.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Itsa}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks ladies. I know it'll get better. It already has. But, as you both know, this is not a straight line to "better". I've slid backwards a little bit over the last couple of weeks. Just gotta keep on keepin on. That's how life is...

And yes, MJ. It is a beautiful song. Not my "typical" genre of music, but I appreciate it for what it is.

Itsa I can relate to where you are, and how triggers can draw you back into sorrow. From your eloquent expression I can tell you feel deeply and are a romantic, which I tend to think I am also, so their is the two edged sword that comes with that being able to understand and sympathisize might also mean I don't know how to help, even though I would like to.

I can tell you this though Itsa, that as lost sad and lonely as you now feel, you have the capacity to feel just the opposite, and in time you will. All this will balance out in time.

Your loved an appreciated here Itsa, and like the girls encourage it will get better. Man hugs to ya

C.P...great reply. Sensitive, intuitive, and very true.

I miss you guys.

Hope today is just a little better for your Itsa.