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This guy is not listening to a word we say. He is just blogging.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This guy is not listening to a word we say. He is just blogging. Hiya Mel !  Anyway .... maybe someone else will benefit ! Plan A to Plan B:"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover. "
Pulling off a great Plan A is a journey of self-control guided by YOUR Giver ....
Remember the goal of Plan A is to make yourself an attractive alternative to the other person ... the third party interloper.
This requires you to hush your Taker ... at least for a time .... telling your Taker :
"Hush now. I know you want to take charge and protect me from hurt. And you will be given that chance, but I must allow my Giver sufficient time to make sure I am once again attractive to WS."
.... and for awhile ... your Taker is able to hush ... but there comes a time when your Taker will just overwhelm your Giver ... in an effort to protect you from further hurt.
Look for the internal warning signs that your Taker is going to smash your Plan A efforts to smithereens and love-bust that cake-eating-so-and-so ......
signs the end of Plan A is near
>you have mental lovebusting conversations telling off your WS .... and now they are starting to become out-loud when you are alone ... like the shower or driving in traffic ... it's almost time
>you are weeping more not less
>You cannot eat or sleep
>You think you are going crazy
>You begin to say to yourself:
"Is this guy/gal REALLY worth it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now my friend ... it is time for you to get your Plan B ducks lined up.
Don't wait until you are 100% fed up ... get Plan B ready-to-go .... before you completely surrender your Plan A to your Taker
It is tempting to think of your Giver as "the good guy" and your Taker as "the bad guy" ... but you'd be incorrect!
Both exist because both are necessary
Your Taker cannot be "the bad guy" ... because your Taker loves and protects YOU
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Elph you will get some 2X4's and not seeing clearly, we do understand you are in pain , post an update as soon as you can.
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Quickly, so far HR has been notified. Store manger and supervisor ( who was in the military as surveillance, and already knew alot) also know. A few other coworkers now know. OM mom got text forwarded to my wife. My wife text her apologizing. Friend who was helping called me to apologize knew it was wrong etc. She txt OM to apologize says sorry for hurting him and family. Is "done" with him. But also telling mothe in law who tells me marriage is completely over too.
I'll update more later. But exposure going off like bomb. OM not at work today. So easily no confrontation.
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Btw what are 2x4 I've seen that term but haven't figured it out yet.
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2x4 means you will get a bashing as you are not thinking straight.
Any response from your wife is babble , do not fight her when she comes home and do not entertain her ideas. I doubt the affair has stopped , from what you were describing she will ratchet up the marriage is not working comments. She stops the affair or she leaves without your son.
Speak to your mother in law and tell her you are fighting for your marriage and will not tolerate adultery.
Last edited by Xau; 05/25/11 03:44 PM.
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Quickly, so far HR has been notified. Store manger and supervisor ( who was in the military as surveillance, and already knew alot) also know. A few other coworkers now know. OM mom got text forwarded to my wife. My wife text her apologizing. Friend who was helping called me to apologize knew it was wrong etc. She txt OM to apologize says sorry for hurting him and family. Is "done" with him. But also telling mothe in law who tells me marriage is completely over too.
I'll update more later. But exposure going off like bomb. OM not at work today. So easily no confrontation. Stay cool. Please come back later and tell us how you did the exposures and any reactions.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Cool as a cucumber.
HR was phone call followed by email of letter.
OM mom was voice mail then text.
Bestfriend/coworker by text
2 Other girl friends by text.
Male coworker in person.
Supervisor other dept. Coworker. In person.
Store manger in person.
All the in person were receptive. Wanted what's best for store amd wife. All don't like OM to begin with. hopefully keep eye out/ protect job
Best friend calls me to apologIze profusely.
Sounded like OM mom not pleased at all wife was apologizing to them
OM somehow found appt with counselor for Friday with soon to be ex. 2 weeks ago there was none. Hmmmmmm. Word gets around and he's scared.
This could come back to bite me with me going to HR. But even if they can't find enough legit proof. The work has been done.
So , so far so good.
Wife staying at moms tonight. For the best. I don't want to talk to her anyway.
Update more later tonight.
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Have you informed the OM that his wife knows?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Exposing to the OM's wife is about the most powerful exposure there is and the OM does not even know he has been exposed to her yet. Why? This is like willfully pushing the car up a hill with the parking brake on. Why would you choose to do that?
Why would you choose to throw away your most powerful weapon?
It is one thing for the OMW to be silly, but you cannot afford that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you do not want to confront the OM directly let his mother know his wife is aware of the affair and the reason for their divorcing is his adultery, you will provide evidence of this to support her legal case. She can pass the message to him.
Where is your son staying, he must stay at home with you, do not allow a precedent To be set for him to stay at your MIL. If your wife wants to see him it is as per a schedule you draw up, the provisio is she returns him to your home every day.
Last edited by Xau; 05/25/11 08:06 PM.
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sorry,
was dead tired last night.
had appointment with family laywer and they informed me of laws for CA. basically i cant force her to leave. but that was expected...and really i dont want it except for my sanity.
i got home and she went to her friends house to breathe abit. she came home after and went to bed cuz she had to wake up at 3 for work. not one word was said.
word around work spread quick. shes worried for her job, she told her mom about how day was going. not trying to protect him, just herself.
as expected she hates me.
she found out i talked to store manager who she went to talk to. he told her i wanted to protect her. she said she was sorry for bringing it to the job. (not sorry for doing it.or anything like that. which makes me think shell never think it was a mistake or bad decision, shes just sorry for getting caught)
people at work are appearently sympathic to her, mostly because they think it was a low blow for me to go to the job and tell.
my wife thinks it its not safe to stay at home..whichis funny to me. she just wants to keep finding the easy path out of this and create more damage..
i wonder how long this is supposed to last,
but mostly shes confused and scared because she doesnt know whats goin on or whats good for her..
as for him i havent heard of any affects on him yet via mother or wife...though she told me he lined up a whole buch of counseling sessions for them...she waits with eager glee to confront him tomorrow...which is nice..itll keep the pain going...i hope he has a good weekend, the Fker....
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Weather the storm , no matter how much sympathy she gets all know she is an cheat. If she does leave make sure she knows your son stays with you. If she threatens divorce tell her your son stays wih you.
Wait a while and observe, be on your best behaviour , there is a while to go on this.
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Right now its important for you not to attempt to rationalize what she is thinking, doing or acting. I believe the alien metaphor is dead on when it comes to the behavior of a WS.
If you plan-A correctly, her moment of clarity will come. I assure you. The question is when that happens, will you have enough in your love bank to continue.
Plan-A your butt off and set up for plan-B in case you need to protect your love bank. I'm confident you can help your WS out of this hard period of her life. Believe me, you must be the man and she is dependant on you to lead the way to save the M as she is in the fog.
Meanwhile you must work on the root cause and ensure if your M survives, it will be better and guide it with the rules of protection.
Last edited by TheJourney; 05/26/11 05:30 PM.
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Calm.
Smile.
Offer to get her a cookie.
(Privately, rejoice in knowing you've done the right thing.)
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Have you exposed the affair directly to OMW?
Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing
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Yeah like 2 weeks ago. They're actuallybin the process of a divorce. He filed of course to be with my wife.
She has her own timeline. But Shes confronting him tomorrow in couseling.
Over the past 2 weeks we've been comparing notes on the who wht where.
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This is good news elph, it may not feel like it right now tho.
Your taking steps, your in the drivers seat.
You exposed which is a pretty good thing considering how many BS's resist such a thing out of fear.
You are so fortunate to have found a ally in OMW.
You have a lot of things going for you that others don't.
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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