*I sent* a short simple text today;

I am not in love, I have not reached forgiveness...

But, you are my best friend, and my favorite playmate

And then a link;



When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

She read the link, couldn't load it from SMS. Missed the text entirely!

We talked about it.

It was a decent conversation. I got a short answer at first, but saw there was more, and dug.

I told her that she needs to be open, she needs to be honest. She wants me to be open and honest, she has to do the same.

She stated that she feels like she has to be "strong" for me.

I repeated, no, you need to be honest.

She started a bit of a pity-party; doesn't feel she "deserves" my comfort when she is in pain, because she caused it all.

I told her; wherever I am right now, I am DONE beating you up about it, and you should be, too. You took a crap, and now it's time to deal with the stink. Where I am now is rebuilding, and making sure nothing even remotely close to this ever happens again.

I could have said the same thing your W did. I think you told her exactly the right thing - you reassured her that you were done making her "pay" for her A and that you were committed to rebuilding the M better, stronger (faster - no wait, scratch that last one, that's from the "Six Million Dollar Man")

I'm seriously thinking about an O&H journal. There's so much that goes on either IRL or in my head every day that I want to tell H, and sometimes either I don't get the opportunity or I back down b/c of my tendency to walk on eggshells (and not seek comfort b/c I feel like I don't "deserve" it). I need to practice not editing myself and learning how to state things in a gentle and neutral manner so they don't end up being LB's. Writing is a "safe" outlet for me to do that - I haven't mastered the art of being able to deliver the "I feel" statements verbally in the heat of the moment, and I am afraid of my H's reaction sometimes - but if we can manage to write back and forth - which we did for some time while we were both engaged in R - we do better at addressing each other's thoughts and needs, I think b/c it gives us both time to pause and reflect.

I think I speak for the majority of W's when I say that we want our H's to protect us (and our children), to comfort us when we hurt, to be the shoulder we lean on. I can completely understand, and fall victim to, the sentiment that what we did (as WW's) invalidates that. I wasn't O&H about my needs in my pre-A M; I didn't tell my H these things - that I needed his comfort, that many times I just wanted to be close to him just so I'd feel safe and accepted.

Anyway, from your posts, I've always felt like NGB and me were very similar in a lot of ways so I'd hazard a guess we feel a lot of the same things and struggle with the same issues.

I had some paperwork to run to DSHS, and then I went to meet FWW at work for her lunch.

Before I left, I got clean and shaved (bald head with full beard... I'm dead sexy).

I sat in front of her department waiting for her lunch (I was early), watching threads on MB on my Windows phone...

We went out to the car after she clocked out, and I set my sunglasses on the dashboard...

I gently held her face in one hand and looked into her eyes, and had a moment of silence...

... and I said "I forgive you."

I have had a small surge of activity off of my thread, sharing things I have found from different places. I've been searching. I've been searching for those switches, that little bit of knowledge or wisdom to get me over this last little hump... that nudge that will line up head with heart.

Found it by analyzing and synthesizing various information from various sources and disciplines.

Part of it was also rebuilding myself (thus, the Men's Recovery Thread). I had invested my entire sense of self-worth into my marriage, into my wife.

This is no longer so... but I still have a long way to go. Another part of that is reflected in the "A Gift for Recovery" thread.

I have to learn to be vulnerable. I have to learn to say "Thank you." I have to learn to accept my strengths, accept compliments... admiration.

I was told by one of my nursing professors that I was an "unpredictable outlier." I routinely scored top of class... and had I been honest with my instructors, they would know I did so with only the benefit of lecture. I wasted over $1000 on books which I never opened.

I went and talked to this instructor recently, and told her that I know what I am going to do now. I have to wait for an opening in the bridge program to go from LPN to RN, but I'm not stopping. I have begun researching my options for a DNP program, and FWW and I have been working on how that will play out. It's some time out, but she's excited. My instructor? Jumping for joy.

It's time to start moving from this phase and on to the next.



You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Beautiful.


There is a term in AA recovery Mr Pep uses frequently.

.... and that's what has happened here.


Congratulations.
It's a big deal.

Beautiful! I am thrilled for you & NGB - this is huge!

PS - made me cry again!

Agreed - this is huge. Congratulations on this milestone!

Lol.

I just realized I rambled and never directly stated the point I was trying to get to with the whole bit about accepting compliments, and accepting my strengths...

I R smart.

I hate to even say it. Makes me feel like an [censored]. I love to prove it... to myself.

I hid my test scores from my classmates.

Makes me feel like a freak. And saying it out loud makes me feel like an arrogant jerk.

And yet, I've been told over, and over, and over... my entire life. By everyone.

And I still don't like saying it. It doesn't feel like a "fact" it feels like a claim.

I've got no paper proof (other than a pair of 2 year degrees).

However, it's one of the things I found out there searching... I know that I'm an outlier, I know that I catch on to things insanely quick, and I know that I conceptualize, analyze, and synthesize information easily.

And that crushing, transient depression goes along with those skills, with those strengths...

Bollocks...

Dumb, dumb dumb dumb.

Dumb, dumb dumb dumb... duuuuuuuuuuh!

Well, I was gonna congratulate you about today until I saw this post. What's up?

HHH, what's this? Should we be concerned?

I'm good. Great even ladies. I was being silly because I was facing accepting a lifetime of praise... And shirted my wiring momentarily. Off to chill with W. G'night!

.....and to a better morning, Trip, than you have felt internally, in years!

Glad to hear of your step forward.

Next year, I'd like the story on how you settled on that nickname for me there, NG!




W and I are headed up to the lake tonight. Roast some hotdogs and sit around. No TV, no kids, no computers. no cell service. Just wind, water, and the stars.

mmmmmmmmm
I smell romance.

HHH

You have such a hungry mind.

Once you and Mrs HHH are a little further down the recovery road, and MB tools are like second nature, you might want to challenge your mind with a very different sort of book.

It's written in a very didactic style. Pretty dry, considering the title!
Not "user friendly" like the Harley library.
I warn you about this because it's not a book entirely intended for lay people.

Thanks, Pep!

Nope! That's the marshmallows burning!

Did you go back to the KOA Cabin and relive the experience?

The lunar cycle and tides did not match up for such an experience.

Alas, we were in the woods and she became a werewolf, and we could not revisit that moment on this particular trip.

We had a nice time, and some hard talk.

And while it may have seemed "unpleasant," sometimes you let things heal over, and they are only festering and spidering out below the surface.

We both still have some H&O work to do. I am seriously pursuing my own vulnerability.