Some of the things I wished I would've done during that FR. were the following:

1) I wish I would've been the one mailing the NC letter! I still don't think she ever did send it.

2) Facebook would be gone ( I remember an instance when I saw she added a guy as a friend-when confronted she told me "I only thought you meant Hot guys")! Cell phone number would have changed ( I was told-"He will never try contacting me" Wrong!

3) Have her take a polygraph! I don't think she told me everything, matter of fact pretty sure she didn't. I still want the truth, probably will never get it even though I think I at least deserve it.

4) I would have exposed to the om mother sooner than what I did. Probably would have found more people on his end to expose to.

5) I still question myself for even giving her a second chance. She was not remorseful enough. That should've been a huge clue....I don't think she ever really tried to recover our marriage-just kept telling herself she wanted that fantasy with the om.
(I say that but on the other side it made me a better husband and person for doing it. I am confident I will be the man a lucky woman wants someday and that I will be happy) It is too bad that my ww just will never realize that!!!

6) I am really glad I am in a very Dark plan B now though. She put me through h#ll--I feel I am still there but on the outer edge seeing the light. Waywards never know the damage they have inflicted until it is too late.

BUMP

1.������ �What would I have done differently?
�
Wish I would have found MB earlier.� Filed for D immediately to show that I was serious and not just settling for crumbs.� I would have exposed far and wide immediately even after it was revealed.� Also I would have set the bar very high, which I did not, and at the first sign of trouble I would have been gone. I would have paid POSOM a personal visit.� And listen to the Vet�s here, no matter the situation and no matter how much you may disagree with them or think �your WS is unique�

�

2.������ �What clues did I miss?
�
WW wasn�t remorseful, felt entitled to it, she had no concept of the damage she did.� Never talked about the A and what it meant to her, was vague about the details.� I led the entire process while she sat back.� She remained in a low level fog the entire time.� Had a month or two of HB but as we moved forward she became more and more self involved, everything became about her.� AO from her became more frequent, she would go through spurts of wanting SF, practically begging, then weeks w/o any interest.� She started becoming more concerned about her appearance and washing her hair every morning.� She developed a friendly relationship with a single family friend that I did not approve of and refused to stop.� There were red flags along the entire way.� The times that she did reach out�.were very weak attempts, no real action.
�
3.������ �What would I pay forward?
�
Watch them like a hawk, verify everything.� The smallest behavior, the smallest lie even about something that has no bearing on the situation is a huge red flag.� Have zero mercy when it comes to exposing, if people don�t like it then they can choose to ignore it or shut their mouth.� In respect with WW and no children, if they are not pulling their weight in recovery�..cut them loose and remove yourself as an option and enter plan D or B, no questions.� Take the EP�s very seriously.� Remove any/one/thing from the situation that enabled the A, it all has to go.
�
IMO the more you hang on to them when they are in the A�..the farther they will run.
�
They truly are dying piece by piece inside no matter how �happy� they seem.
�
And always expect the unexpected.�

�

BUMP

I would have eliminated FB and twitter immediately. It was one of my husbands EP's for me and I stalled for a long time. Now we can just "be" and we are a-ok without it! Though we did not experience a FR, the triggers were huge every time I logged on and hampered my personal recovery.

Thanks, TexasSun.
God bless.

BUMP for those who are obviously headed for a FALSE RECOVERY !!!!
(in meek hope he will read this thread)

BUMP for a reminder....

Curious to know if those in a recovery or a FR were living together at the time or had been in Plan B prior? I am currently in Plan B and I know that I am some time away from a recovery if ever.
But...hypothetically, if my WH would contact my IM and start the process, would I want my WH move in with me and the kids and take the chance of a FR, or would a recovery be possible living apart? I think that there is much he could do on his own without us living together such as his own personal recovery.
Would love everyone's thoughts on this.

From Dr. Harley's letter on MB site: While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating."

link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

bump

1) I would have exposed to OW's family and employer (and not just my FWH's) at the FIRST D-day.

Our outcome may have been different, and my H might have been in trouble at work (I respected his job WAY more than he and OW did), but she would have suffered consequences immediately that would have made her stop contacting him after he told her it was over, again and again and again.

2) I would have called our cell phone company and blocked her and her family's numbers on D-day #1 instead of D-day #2.

This strategy might not have done much good at that point as my FWH would not have been on board with it. (God only knows I tried and he said he'd just unblock her if I did.) She was his supervisor at work; That was the original justification for her being allowed to text him all the time and my not being allowed to do anything about it.

3) I should have come to my H's work and confronted his boss way back when I first knew she was texting him too much, but he said it was no big deal, and I didn't want to interfere with his professional life because he'd asked me not to.

4) I should NOT have listened to the marriage counselor when she encouraged me to concede to WH's wild-eyed imploring: "Don't you come to my store!" Like I was crazy and irrational for not trusting him, like I might cause a scene. In the end it was OW (not ME!) who caused the embarrassing scene for herself and FWH.

5) I should have found MB website earlier so I would have been able to recognize that the affair would resume if I was a doormat. (I plan A'ed for 7 months w/o even knowing what Plan A was or that I would sustain physical and psychological damage by making Plan A a way of life and not knowing how to live without him, eat w/o him, sleep w/o him.)

6) I would have kept my head instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve and showing O&H to my WH while he trickle-truthed me and romanced me with UA while still talking to OW. I should have been firm and told him no SF while still in contact with OW.

I think everything has been covered- but I guess what I want to point out was the huge difference in reaction from him- when the affair ended for good.

When the false recovery was busted- when the truth was learned- when I exposed like a streaker in a World Series game- and the affair was officially over - he became despondent and upset. Crushed. Sad. And in severe withdrawal.

It showed me- even though it was hard to take- and he did find himself booted back out the door for not getting a grip- that the dynamic had changed, and there was nothing taken underground. It was truly over.

One of my friends describes an affair as being stabbed in the gut by your spouse - but a false recovery as having the knife twisted while your spouse looks you in the eye.

I would agree with that. Completely.

Wow.
This says it all.

Bump for anyone at risk of a FR.

I hope this story serves as a warning for anyone starting recovery.
To start, I did not have this forum to guide me. I was reading some of the good Dr�s writings but at that time did not incorporate it into my life. How I wish I could turn back time�. Leading up to dday, I had suspicions for months. I completely cleared up my side of the fence (which was mainly LB�s) and I am very proud of the person I became. Snooping did the job and the A was revealed.

Quick summary. Married 14yrs, DD5 DS 7. FWW had 9 mo EA/PA with POSOM. Started on FB. Dday was March 2011. Upon discovery, kicked her out of the house that night. Never in a million years did I consider the possibility of reconciliation.

One week later, FWW wanted to work things out and my conditions were simple. 1)Never lie to me ever again. 2)No contact with OM for life. She agreed. (how na�ve I was�) She agreed and we stared to think about working things out.

We had no plan at that time. She got an apartment and we started spending time together. I was putting in everything I had to show her the person I was becoming (Plan A). My participation was solely based on the 2 above agreed upon items.

We plotted along for several months and every time I asked if there had been any contact, I got a murky response which was never clear. But, somehow I believed her (stupid me). I had no ability to snoop on her work computer and wanted to believe her so bad that I continued to Plan A like a rock star. At the time, I didn�t think about Plan A, I was just being genuinely me..a kind and generous person.

So, time went along. We began to spend more and more time together. As time went along, I wasn�t getting a firm commitment to recovery from her. I was more a feeling that �let�s see how things go�.

Fast forward to January 2012. Upon snooping and questioning of several things, I discovered they had secretly set up email accounts and had been communicating the entire time. The A had never ended. They had 2 secret rendezvous at a public restaurant. One in June 2011 and one in July 2011.

I had been lied to continuously for another 9 months. FR. Needless to say, I was devastated. Didn�t think she would ever stop lying to me and at that point it was over for me. My chips were cashed in. Done. Done. Done. Told her we would be divorcing and that was that.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.
What was actually happening during this 9mo time, is that she was indeed falling back in love with me (by some crazy miracle). When I called for D, this shook her back into reality as she now really saw how special our family is.

The reality of being lied to during our FR was more devastating than the A itself. I was completely beheaded and it completely drained her LB account for me. My love for her was gone. I had no desire to continue with this marriage at all.
Then, by the grace of God, she GOT IT. We have taken MB�s and fully incorporated them into our M. MB is the only thing that is saving us.

Now, what is the moral of the story? Listen to the vets on this site. Follow MB to the tee. I really believe that if I would have had MB, we could have avoided a FR.

Oh, how I wish I could not answer these questions! But, fate has brought me here. I hope this can be of help to others. First, I wish I would have know of MB years ago. I truly believe we would have never reached this tragic place we find ourselves in today.

1. WHAT did you do that you wish you'd done differently?

I made a big mistake on dday. I immediately kicked her out of the house that night and went straight to divorce proceedings. I had no idea that anyone could ever recover from an A. One week after dday, she called crying wanting to work things out. I had 2 simple conditions at that time; never speak to OM for life and be O&H. She agreed 100%. How na�ve I was. With her out of the house, I had no way of monitoring activity at all. Any control I would have had with her in the house was gone.

I was very devastated at the time and didn�t have the right council (MB folks) to guide me. It was a couple months later before I really took a hard look at MB. I was overcome with emotion and just wasn�t thinking straight. We saw a terrible MC who had no idea how to save a M. So, looking back that was a total distraction and waste of time.

Should have:

Kept her in the home

Snoop and snoop some more. Verify and validate.

Don't believe a word they say

Nuclear exposure (I did a mini-nuclear exposure but still effective)

Much higher personal and emotional boundaries

Insisted on complete transparency

Realize old W was dead. I kept seeing her as the woman I fell in love with.

Incorporated MB from day 1

Listen to the Vets on this site and done exactly what they advise

Engage the MB coaching center

Do not go to private MC

2. WHAT clues did you miss (or ignore) that your WS was not ready for recovery?

WS not committing to recovery is the biggest one.

W avoiding questions like the plague when asked if she was being O&H.

W was still depressed 2 months after dday.

Non-committal to EVERYTHING.

Only Semi-remorseful

AND ***Unwilling to put any work into recovery***

3. WHAT lessons did you learn that you'd like to pay forward to others, so that they might avoid a FR?

Be strong and focus on yourself.

Realize you can ONLY control YOU

Put �wishful thinking� out of your mind and focus on the facts

Set the bar high from the beginning in terms of expectations and don�t waiver

Do not be a doormat � Respect yourself

Position yourself in the best possible way for success; financially, emotionally, your family and friends etc..

bump

I wanted to add this onto here because there's lots of good information also.

False Recovery: Need voices of experience