Struggling,

It doesn't have to be this way. InnerStrength is hurt and wounded and reacting in an understandable way. But it is still possible for you two to put this marriage back together into something wonderful. It is possible, and you can do it. Others have come back from worse to find themselves completely in love with each other, for life.

Struggling ~ you have a short window of time to wake up and pull your head out.

My H and I also went through a FR ~ it was horrendous, I can't describe the pain. But we've been in real recovery for 4 years now and things get better every day. People who meet us now would never in a million years believe what we've been through.

Last year we went to Vegas for 3 days by ourselves...we spent our days laying around the pool and just being together. I noticed a woman a little bit younger than me had been watching us. She came up to us out of the blue and said "You guys are the cutest couple ever...I just said to my friend "look, you can tell they just love being together". She couldn't believe that 16 years of marriage and 4 kids later, we still "acted like newlyweds" (her words).

We just smiled and told her thanks, yes, we do love being together!

My head was spinning because all I could think was "wow, we have come a long ways!". My H was pinching me under the water because he knew what I was probably really thinking.

You can have that too. I promise, it's possible.

strugglin~

I'd still like to talk to you about what's going on -- Could you check in for roll call please?

Mrs. W

Re-reading this whole thread AGAIN! So much good advice here. I'm hopeful that struggling comes back.

BTW.. GO... love your post about "setting the bar higher". In my own situation, that really strikes a chord. I think many WS choose a loser OP. They have no self-esteem, and I can totally relate to that.

strugglin~

If you are still reading here and you decide that you'd like to talk to me off board, PLEASE contact one of the mods and ask them to give you my email address and vice versa -- In email I'll even give you my phone number and we can talk that way if you'd like -- I'm here and I'd really like to help you if I can...

Mrs. W

WPG, you & your girls are in my prayers.

Bless you, Pep, and thank you!!!

I have a feeling strugglingaz is still reading here. I don't know why I feel that, but I do. Maybe she has this gnawing feeling inside her that she can't quite figure out or explain. Maybe she feels angry, or depressed, or empty, and doesn't know why...maybe she always thought that "following your heart" was supposed to feel "right", but instead she feels a sense of wrongness.

If you are still reading here, struggling, I hope you decide to come back, or take Mrs. W up on her offer of help.

I had forgot about this, but when I read this WPG, it made me a blubbering mess.

Ah... what goes around comes around, I guess?

I couldn't imagine it, because of how attached to my hip DD13 is, and how cruel she would be to her mother at her age... ugh.

I would have to agree with helpsdad. If your feelings remain unchanged, your husband needs to divorce you. YOU are waisting his life on someone who doesn't deserve it.

I remember how cruel I was to my own mother as a teenager. Mom probably thought she was raising the kid in "The Exorcist," minus the pea soup. I'm not looking forward to those years with my girls.

DD#1 is - and has always been - Daddy's girl. Not only that, she's almost his twin, personality-wise. She keeps things to herself, she's not as demonstrative with affection (I laugh because DD#2 is so kissy and always wants to hold hands - DD#1 will "offer" you her cheek to kiss like the Pope would offer his ring!). She tends to be very protective or the people she loves - she doesn't like to talk about the sitch and tends to try to do things to make me laugh if she sees me down.

Just like her Daddy. She has his sense of humor. I could get so mad at him, and then he'd do or say something silly and make me laugh, and I couldn't stay mad.

She also flat-out told me one night, "I do NOT want a stepdad." I replied, I don't want you to have one either, baby. She said she didn't want a stepmom either, that she would refuse to speak to her. She does act out from time to time, and while I think some is due to simply getting older and the stuff she's exposed to at school, I think she struggles - in her 9-year-old brain - with loving me and also being angry at me for her dad being gone.

DD#2 is her opposite. Much more like me - and she got the positive and negative traits! She's clingy/needy, a little OCD, and has a more nervous disposition...but she's also very affectionate, loves to talk, imaginative and has more of a creative streak than DD#1. Very sensitive to others' emotions. DD#1 rarely prays aloud or in front of me - DD#2 prays that Daddy will come home, that "he will be happy together with Mommy," that he'll never go away again, etc. She always looks up at me when she's done with those huge blue eyes and says, "Mommy, is that a good prayer?"

Sorry, that's a bit of a T/J there, I suppose....but struggling, this is the reality you are gonna have to deal with when you stop being so selfish and pull your head out of the sand.

Your daughters did not ask for this.

They will not thank you for it.

What do you want your daughters to think of you - what do you want them to say about you - when they are young women?

How do you want them to live their lives? What kind of women - wives - mothers - do you want them to be?

Twice in a week WPG... dad gummit...

This really touches me also, don't we want them to have better lives than we did? But the best we can do is own up to the mistakes we made, because we are bound to make some.

I still feel guilty and worry about my children and that will never end, but along with the guilt and worry is also pride and comfort that I take in as they have made it through some real tough things and watch out for me too now that they've grown.

God Bless you all in this journey as I understand how deeply effecting it is when it comes to the children.

You know Prisca when I first saw this post I was caustiuosly optimistic about it, but because I really don't know if she was seriuos or not, I did not want to rock the boat in the area of her recovery..Plus I might be a little jaded in my understanding of the change of heart that seemed just to quick to be real..

So now I look at it as possibly sarcastic. Its OK either way because it doesn't change what we have been trying to tell her, and her being nasty isn't a surprise either, because it is in all our natures anyway if we let it riegn. Any Former W can tell you that or former rebeliuos teenager or criminal or...well you get it.

I hope too in time Strugglin gets it too..

Who is strugglings BH?

Innerstrength

Here is his thread.. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2510986&page=1

A change of heart can happen fairly quickly when a person realizes what they are about to lose. I could be gravely mistaken, but I do think she was serious about recovery there for awhile. And this is just a tragic example of what renewed contact (even one sided contact) can do to a person and a marriage.

It really is an addiction. And she has chosen her drug of choice over her marriage and her children.

She did start to respond it seemed, but I really don't know if there was contact again recently again or the details.

Yes Prisca it is quite a nasty escape mechanism we have that draws us in isn't it? I would like to believe in that post that she confessing what she knew she should be feeling and thinking but was still a little foggy and withdrawing. Which is a very brave effort for anybody that lost..

Then maybe she scared herself because she hasn't posted since..

so many maybes

We know what will happen if the exciting affair activity is at the root of her desires..It will wane over time and show itself as what she loves, not the OM, or her children. It is a source of living that collapses upon itself.

Its wonderful that there are so many caring and understanding people here that are willing to help her out of the woods..

Hello to all of my "friends". Just want to say that I am doing good and feel good about my decision. My H deserves a woman who will love him the way he wants to be loved back and that woman is not me. Call it what you will, say what you want about how I will raise my daughters, etc. but I am fine and have the utmost confidence in raising my daughters with a loving and stable environment with both parents equally involved. I know that you all point out the negative environments, but I have several friends who grew up in divorced homes where the mother may/may not had had an affair and my friends (the daughters) are best friends with their moms so your "cases" dont apply entirely across the board. Appreciate your support (some more than others) along the way regardless.

Well believe whatever you want, I LIVED THE REALITY of raising a child in the wake of his father having a devastating affair.

And can tell you that my "case" (well it is not a case, it is REAL LIFE) is the truth. My xwh and his ow married and instantly had a child.

They divorced recently. He had been cheating on her the entire time they were married and tried to even get me back, I said no. Your lovely bh just might do that in the future to you too!

The step parent who will raise your child someday (if an affair is involved) will NOT LOVE YOUR CHILD like their own. Why? If they had any love in their heart, they could not rip apart a marriage AND family.

My son has ZERO contact with his father and I have (thank God) sole custody and it's my 12 yo son's desire (he's almost 13). The x ow who became my sons' stepmom? Who claimed she "loved my son as her own?" Well lemme tell you. When she learned she couldn't get any more $ from my xwh, and when she divorced him, she NEVER CALLED MY CHILD AGAIN. Never. She doesn't even say hi. Or anything.

You say what you will. I am older than you are and RAISED A CHILD in the wake of affair and divorce. You are setting yourselves up for a world of hurt. And grass is NEVER GREENER on the other side.

I hope your bh doesn't fall for your bullsh*t about "wanting him to have a wife who loves him" and blah blah blah. My xwh said that too and wanted us to be "friends". Well honey, friends don't do that to you. Two years after our divorce, he was crying back but I wouldn't hear of it.

But what do I know? I'm a 42 year old mom of an almost 13 year old son who has been dealing with a crazy xwh for about 8 years now. I'm sure you and your friends who are much younger know FAR more than I do about this.

Foggy foggy young woman, I am truly sorry for your life choices. You will live to regret this decision.

To your bh, I wish you a lifetime where you CAN find that right person, and don't look back.

The grass is NEVER EVER greener. If it is, just know it's because somebody has fertilized it with cow crap or with a compost heap.

I will add that I know that I have a lot of soul searching to do to figure out what exactly it is that I want out of my life. My H is a great man and father and I will never take that or his efforts in our marriage away from him. The situation that I created was too much for me to overcome in the marriage and I will live with that forever. Life waits for no one and we shall see what it has in store.