Been married almost 20 years and have a couple of children. Found out a few weeks ago that wife has been having an affair for about a year and a half. The OM is married and the OW is aware. There is no more contact between my wife and the OM.

About three years ago I was going through some tough times and moved out for about a month and during that time I was with someone else. My wife knows about and took me back when I finally got my head out of my a@#.

I know for the last 3 years I have not been meeting my wife's emotional needs (reading His Needs, Her Needs). I want to make this work, but my wife is not sure. She ways she has not given up on us and that she still loves me. She is affectionate and we are okay when we are together. However, when I go to work i keep bugging her by texting her. I know this is not doing me any good.

She says she needs some time to sort things out and get her head clear before she can work on us. She is also bringing up my affair from 3 years ago.

I am assuming that she is still in a fog at this point. I have been trying Plan A, but I know me constantly hounding her is not helping and I need to stop that.

Any ideas as to what I should expect or keep doing.

Hi jackinthebox. A couple of key questions.

Where does the OM live?

Does your wife EVER see him? Ever email, text or go on his facebook?

When was the last contact?

Did you PERSONALLY speak to the OM's wife and tell her all about the affair?

How do you know for sure the affair is over? What spying techniques have you used?

I have spoken with the OW...they were friends of ours. Has bee about two weeks since they talked. I know she.does not communicate via phone, and he was always too paranoid to use e-mail. The OM lives in the same town.

She has been depressed and i think it is withdrawal.

Thanks for the answers. I would suggest getting the book, Surviving an Affair and following the program in there. At this point, you would want to be in recovery, not Plan A. Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are not willing to settle for less and won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. no nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

Jack, another thing I would do is tell your children and your family about her affair. The more people who know the more people to hold her accountable and help her wake up from the fog. Any friends who know this couple should be told too, so they to never invite this weasel to any events you will be attending.

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One thing that has occurred to me is that this is a belated revenge affair. Not only does she need Ep's in place, but you need to reassure her that you have EP's in place as well.

Both of you have had very poor boundaries and the fact that she's bringing up your A means she hasn't forgiven you and there is most likely trust issues that goes both ways.

Celtic � you are absolutely correct; she did not forgive me for my A from three years ago. We really did not do anything to address the problems or get past that at the time. We stayed together, but that is about it.

Now one of the questions she is asking me is how does she know that I will not up and leave again in a couple of months once things start to settle down. She thinks I am in shock right now and that is the only reason I want to try and work things out. I guess I am also looking for more remorse from her, but she pointed out the fact that it was me three years ago that broker her heart and absolutely crushed her world when I left for a month and had my A.

She says she is sorry that she hurt me and that it was wrong, but at this point she is not sorry for having the feelings she �thought� she had for POSOM. I want to believe that part of this is revenge, and part of it is her still being in a fog to a certain degree.

I have been reading His Needs, Her Needs and our situation is a text book version of the examples Dr. Harley uses in his book. I know now that I have not met her top two emotional needs � affection and intimate conversation. I have discussed this with her, and she says that if I was really being genuine, then I would have met these needs all along and that now she thinks I am just doing it to try and keep the family together. I need to figure out a way to convince her that it was not from lack of caring on my part that I did not meet these needs before, but rather from ignorance on my part.

She says that she has not given up on �US�, and I just hope that it is not too late. We do love each other (in spite of all of the hurt we have caused), and I will not excuse her affair, nor should she excuse mine, but from what I can tell, everything was lined up perfectly for her to do this�I had an affair first, I was not meeting her most important emotional needs, she started talking with the couple that we were friends with about our problems after my A, and the husband saw an opportunity and became a great listener�and he complained about his marriage as well. Since neither of them worked, it was nice and convenient as well. Not to mention the POSOM is very manipulative and is one of the biggest bull *#*@ artists I have ever met. At least now she realizes this, and realizes that everyone else knew the real OM, not the other way around like he made it appear.
I will start reading Surviving and Affair and hopefully that will lead me in the right direction.

Thanks for listening�and for any advice you have. This is the toughest thing I have ever faced in my life, and was a huge wakeup call.

Jack,

Sounds like you are starting down the right path. The books are a great place to start. Her concerns are normal, even valid in light of the disaster A's bring. I looks like what she is looking for is O & H. Be open and honest. Tell her the truth. Tell her, "yes i am in shock", but I am also aware of what I screwed up by having my A" Explain to he what you just posted here, that this was an eye opener. That you have seen your own failures and want to correct them, that you *WANT* this marriage, not because it will "keep the family together" per-se, but because you need her and want her.

Do the Emotional needs questionnaire and have her do them as well. Keep in mind that this work is not going to be easy. You are recovering from 2 affairs. Yours and hers.

Celtic,

Thanks again for the advice. So I guess for the first three months or so I should not get too upset over what she says or how she acts? For the most part she seems to be progressing towards wanting to work things out.

According to her, she had to get past the A and how it ended and get her head clear before she could focus on us. Things ended bad for the A (which is good for me I assume). The POSOM has a personality disorder that causes them to turn on someone they supposedly care about and turn to hating them at the drop of a hat. And apparently that has happened and she now seems to see him for who and what he is...the same way everyone else sees him.

I am assuming that she is still in the fog (it has been about a month since dday). But she is starting to seem like her old self again, although I know it will be a long and hard path to recovery.

Jack

How did you find this out? From his wife?

From his wife and my wife also new. We were friends with them for about a year and a half before the A began. I knew about it and when I looked it up online, it fit to a tee. Apparently things were great according to his wife for about the first year and a half they were together, then he changed. That is about the cycle time according to what I have found out before they reach what they call the hater stage. And that is about how long the A lasted, then he started to change. Before that they convince the other person that they are the only one that really knows them.

I would also entertain it to be a Revenge Affair. The lack of remorse is normal as well. I believe she felt she was "entitled" and her lack of boundaries coupled with the fact that you didn't Recover from your A resulted in her RA.
Regardless of the situations that created the mess its time to do the right things. Both of you need to start very simply with a few agreements. The Children must have a chance at there mother and father remaining in a fulfilling M.
Melody gave you the rules to start with. I will add NO CONTACT for life to both of your affair partners. Never, EVER!
There is much to learn here and in the materials. The board is a place to vent.
It does sound as if she is foggy and probably is. The NO CONTACT rule is her first priority. You Plan A your butt off.
I would get her to agree to NC first and then agree to working a plan. Then lastly giving it TIME. Making decisions based on how we feel on a small slice of time is never a good idea.
Embrace your new wake up call. You now have the chance to do it right, but it takes both to achieve. I affirm daily to myself that "I am no longer willing to live in an unfulfilled marriage."
I will settle for no less than 100% honesty and openness with my wife. We will make mutual decisions that benefit us both. I will fill her needs. I will be the husband that she deserves, and I expect the wife that I want. Thats what we made vows to do and I expect no less. Then with TIME the pain does slip away and its replaced by not just being content but with Joy.
Its time to dig in and learn and then to do the work. Welcome to MB. Its a life changing choice!
Lastly if you can afford the Harleys Marriage counselling do it!

Hils,
Thanks for the reply. Good to hear from someone in a similar situation. So hard to deal with some days, and I want to make sure I am making the best decisions.

I have been NC with my OW for the three years since, and she is NC now with hers. She was going back and forth with the OMW some regarding the kids, because our kids used to do things together. I told my wife that her and the OM screwed that up.

Now I am at the point where I will Plan A my butt off. It is hard some days because I really have not gotten her to commit to us trying to work things out. She has made progress in the month since this all broke. I think she is afraid that if she commits to me, then I may walk out again like I did three years ago. She said once things settle down, I will not be able to handle what she did and then will want out. I feel that since I basically did the same thing three years ago, it will make it easier for me to forgive her. It does not make what she did right, but I made a mistake and asked for forgiveness...she deserves the same.

Jackinthebox, tell your WW you will commit as long as Yall can agree on a plan of recovery and she agrees to the No Contact. Tell her she has a mulligan and now that it has been used. I would go right to work on making Love bank Deposits and wait while her fog lifts. But asserting the requirements between niceties.
Have her agree to try MB plan on a test basis. If in fact after 60 days following the program your M hasn't improved then you will help her throw the material away.
But practice what you learn. Baby step style. Pick out one love buster and work on it.Practice policies of joint agreements ETC.
One thing that will be huge is TIME. Spend as much together as possible. Make it enjoyable. Dates night ETC.
I see a man that realizes what he was content with has now turned into regrets. You have a do over with this. Do it right and dont settle for a M thats not fulfilling for BOTH of you. Its time to be Romeo regardless of Juliet.
Our situations are similar and so are pretty much all A's. The fact is we will all fall into an A in the right situation. But once realized a M can be guarded and made to be A proof.

My WW and I spent a couple of hours last night talking, and it did not go as well as I had hoped. Her and I are both aware that I have not been accectionate and I have also not been there for intimate conversation. I have explained that I know my faults in this area and will work to make sure that is not an issue in the future. I explained everything to her just as I read it in His Needs, Her Needs.

The problem is this. She disagrees with the reasons that I have not met these emotional needs and says that I have never really been an affectionate person, or that maybe she just does not bring that out in me. She thinks that if I start to do it now it will be "forced" and not for the right reasons. According to her, if it was genuine it would have come naturally and I would not have to "learn" to be that way.

Based on our conversation last night, I came away thinking that she does not think or believe that things can or will get better...that I am just not an affectionate person (then she says that does not make me a bad person). She says she still loves me, and this morning rolled over and held me for about 15 minutes before we got out of bed and I went to work.

She is also not a fan of MB at this point...she says she is getting tired of me coming to her with statistics and percentages and that I should be thinking about this stuff myself. She also says that she needs to get herself fixed and get her head clear before she can move on and consider working on "US".

I must say I am feeling pretty down after the conversation, and that maybe she is giving up hope...although she says she is not.

Lastly, she said she needs some time and space to get her head straight...not having me move out or anything like that, but me leaving her alone...and for me that has been impossible. I work all day and she does not work, so I am always texting her, etc. and I know it drives her crazy, especially since she threatened to smash her phone.

One more lastly, she mentioned last night that she is not really the one that ended the A, although it was a combination of the two if you ask me. She told the POSOM's wife about it on the phone because POSOM had sent my wife a text saying he was ending it and to leave him be. My wife did not like that and was trying to at least have him talk to her and explain it...but he would not answer her texts or the phone...finally OW answered his phone and POSOM would not get on the phone and talk, so it all came out. This caused him to flip out and he was nothing but hateful after that.

I guess I am hoping that one of the vets on here will tell me that since it has only been about a month, don't put too much stock in what she is saying at this point, as she is still in somewhat of a fog...and I should also probably leave her alone and quit texting and/or asking for asnwers.

Hi Jackinthebox,

I am a BS as well, I will tell you when I found out about the Ow in my husband's life it was a road I didn't want to travel either.....
I am impatient and I didn't like fixing things right away...........
My husband for 4 months told me he loved his OW, but he spent all his time with me, every night, every weekend, he never went anywhere without me.........
He said he still loved me but couldn't just flip a switch, so I just listened and made our lives and our home the safe place for him to hide out in.......Exposure was rough for him, the OW's husband didn't have any compassion, it was a work place affair so his work life and the exposure hit hard.........
He also told me he wanted me to give him time .......I was proactive, and took care of the separation agreement, the finances he was free to go...........
After about 2 months he started to change, he started to fix things around the house, he started to say I'll have to come back and take care of that and this, slowly he reconnected with me, he would sit beside me on the couch watching tv telling me how sorry he was that he had chosen what he had.........
I would only text and email things like are you Okay today and we would discuss the supper plans or the boys.........and I would end it with I will see you soon........
I would always send a text thanking him for something he had taken care of for me........
My role in this was being a safe place to be, to give him the freedom to chose, and to be patient while he worked things out in his head........
My husband was never affectionate either, this was a big complaint of mine, he started to give me a hug when he left for work, when he returned and before went to bed..............
At first it was a couple of seconds, then a few minutes and tears from him.....and usually and apology...........it is all a process with little changes every day, it took 4 months for the fog thinking to go away and once it did he has never turned back from making this the best marriage I could imagine, Jack I thought we were finished the first few months.............We don't know what they are really thinking or how disappointed they are with themselves...........let her process, if she wanted to be gone she would be..............
Always look good, smell good, and treat her with respect.........she will soon realize which one is the better choice and the one that treated her with respect......
It is a long haul Jack, put your patient hat on..............the payoff will be wonderful.
jessi

Hi Jessi,

Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement. I know that my texting her nonstop during the day is not good, and I am making a promise to myself and everyone else (including my wife) that I will stop that right away.

I am starting to feel like the OM is not really as much of a threat at this point as my previous behavior was. She told me this morning that she can't get past what happened 3 years ago...my A, and she said now look what she caused because of that, she says she ruined me. She said she already felt I didn't love her, mainly because of the A 3 years ago and at that time I told her one day that I did not know if I loved her. I know that was the single worst thing I have ever said in my life. I was definitely in a fog at that point, but she believes I knew exactly what I was doing. She says that now she will never feel confident about her after what she did.

I told her it was actually the opposite, that since this has happened I realize I love her even more than I thought I did.

So now, I need to prove to her how much I love her and care about her. But how do I do that when she is still trying to get her head straight?

She told me this morning that I just need to give her the time she asked for...and she promised that she has not given up on "US". I have asked her to just give it six months and if it is not working or better, then we can at least say we gave it our best...but she is not to that point yet.

BTW - are there any women out their who had a spouse that was never really that affectionate, but now they are after going through the MB process of trying to meet their wife's EN?

Yes, its very typical. Its a lot of fogbabble. This rollercoaster will take a while.
Right now she is very angry, and cannot believe in you or the M. Take your foot off the gas and plan on this taking a long time.

From what I have read, I believe you both have an excellent chance at recovery. You need a plan. But the wayward wife doesn't want to commit to the plan right now. I get that. It could take several months. Step by step.

You can start the work with your actions. She may not listen to you or believe in you, but a solid Plan A on your part will not only make you a better man, it will also reinforce for her over time and repetition that this M is worthwhile by showing her daily actions. In the meantime, take care of yourself with your own therapy, this community, anti-depressants from your physician and an exercise plan. She won't deposit a lot of $LB units for a couple months.