RG,

I have been reading along and agree with others have been telling you but there is something you really really need to understand. Actually, several things.

1. You are a very young lady, 32 is really young and you have most of your life ahead of you. If you don't figure anything else out, figure this out. You are young and have a good 50-60 years of life ahead of you. Don't waste it.

2. The more you can lead your own life, the better you will feel, The more friends you will have, and the more attractive you will become to your H or any other man.

Have faith in yourself, and you will find your way through this mess. Don't waste your youth, just sitting there.

God Bless,

JL

I don't feel young at all. I will try to keep it in mind. But between chronic illness and the OW being barely 22, I'm feeling really, really old right now.

I apparently do a spectacular Plan A. H noticed right away. Really praised how the apartment looks, and said he didn't want to go to work today because my presence was so calming.

One of the first things he said to me about the OW is that she made him feel at peace (he has been grappling with depression the past couple years).

So does Plan B still sound like the best plan no matter what? Even if she moves out of state? Even if it means he will move in with her? I think I have probably a month of Plan A in me, but not more than that.

Remain in Plan A especially as you are starting to see results.

Hang in there RG.

And yes you are young. Heck at your age I had been married a year. Been married 35 years. Think about that carefully. So many year ahead of you.

God Bless,

JL

River, you will do a spectacular Plan A for a short time and then you will move into Plan B. When you move into Plan B it won't be because of anything your WH has planned or even whatever OW has planned.

During Plan A, you start to feel very good about yourself but it will start to effect your emotional well-being.

MB is the best chance you have to save your marriage.

Take it from someone who knows, Plan B IS beneficial to the BS. It helps with healing.

IF you are worried about what you should do, or how long you should be in Plan A before entering Plan B, I would suggest you call the coaching center or email the radio show and try to get on there. You would get some very good advice and you should follow it.

How long have you been in Plan A, River?

I did Plan A (completely accidentally - I had found MB at that point, but did not know of the affair, I was just trying to fill his LB as much as he would let me) between 4/15 (ILYB~ speech) and DDay (3ish weeks), though he was in total withdrawal at that time (would not even let me touch him). After DDay, I crumbled and became a mess for the past almost-month. So this is my first day back in it.

WH said he was going to go pick up OW on Sunday and spend time with her and asked if that was okay. I said, "I don't have any plans that require the car." After I realized I should've said no. Hrm.

WH also said one of the two facilitators offered her laundry basket (he was looking at them at the workplace). I declined. He asked if it was something from her was the reason I wasn't interested. I simply replied that I had a specific type I was looking for.

He was again amazed at my peaceful countenance. He said he was concerned I was putting on a front for him. I said no, and that I felt what he was doing was hurtful, and it did hurt, but I wasn't putting on a front.

I hope so!

River....WHF?

DID YOU TELL HIM HAVE FUN?????

He was asking you if you had a problem with him spending time with the other woman and you basically said "no honey I DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU OR OUR MARRIAGE."

It is not sunday yet. Tell him you changed your mind and find something to do TOGETHER.

Dear Lord, DO NOT DO THAT AGAIN.

YOU ARE IN PLAN A NOT PLAN DOORMAT.

That is crazy. Like peacefully and sweetly handing a drug addict their crack pipe and then asking if they need another hit and that you'll gladly go out and buy it for him.

Have some SELF RESPECT! No woman sends her husband to cheat as if he's simply going around the corner to the grocery to get a gallon of milk.

I was 33 almost 34 when I divorced with a small child. I was not old, AM STILL NOT OLD, and would not let some skankyho tell me how MY LIFE WOULD BECOME. No thank you. And I would NOT ALLOW my wh to go be with the ow and send him off to go do that.

YOU stand up for yourself.

DO YOU CALL THAT PLAN A? Huh? that's more like plan "kick me in the A-ss".

Plan A is also NOT PLAN APPEASEMENT.

I know, I know. The second I said it, I was just like - OMG at myself. I will discuss going to the movies instead when I see him tonight.

The workplace is now investigating the affair. They don't know if he will be written up or fired. He's looking for a new job. He said he was sorry for doing this to me.

Honestly reading that again I get where he thinks you really don't love him and want him. You are just afraid of what it will be like without him.

Please do some soul searching and figure out what you really want. Automatic off the top of your head responses should not be this if you really wanted to fight for your marriage.

If my husband had said this my first gut response would have been something more along the line of "H@LL NO !!!!!! HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK YOU COULD ASK ME THAT!"

I can see that, too.


Just to clarify, my internal, emotional response was "NO! That is so absolutely not okay!" and then... "why is he even asking that?" But I am lousy at actually saying no to people. It took two weeks before I could even stand up for myself about getting therapy.

I feel like I'm getting stronger every day, but not fast enough.

He's saying this while he's going to see his whore? Oh, how big of him. NOT!

River, this is not how Plan A works. You do not "get stronger" in Plan A. Plan A can lead to nervous breakdowns and have other serious consequences such as damaging your immune system.

I understand that your WH has promised to look for another job but PLEASE understand that many WSs say this and then stall...so Plan A'ing open-ended waiting for him to leave is a terrible idea.

IMO you need to start getting your Plan B ducks in a row NOW because you have already been in it too long and you already have an autoimmune health issue.

ps ~ DO NOT tolerate your H using the car to pick up OW under any circumstances EVER. I would let him know this will not be tolerated again, as well as his working with her will not be tolerated. Demand that he end all contact, River. He has gotten the WRONG message and you need to fix that!

I agree. It is time to get into Plan B. Actually, scratch that. It is was PAST time to get into Plan B.

He's under investigation at work for having an affair and they sent back and forth 165+ text messages while he was at work today. Just... wow. I don't know why the stupidity still surprises me, but it does.

But, he is not going to see her tonight.

And I was able to fill his SF EN a bit last night and this morning. He will barely touch again, now, but that has come and gone before.

Still trying to get fiance to expose to OW's parents or give me the contact info, but he's not responding to me at all. Apparently he is messaging her a lot trying to get her back, which is pissing her off (!!) and she is still denying the affair to him even though he KNOWS.

I've been working on writing my Plan B letter. He's off work the next two days.

I'm totally exhausted. I slept all afternoon while he was at work.

I am amazed too. That you care so very little about your marriage and have so little self respect is utterly amazing. What do you think is wrong, RG, that would cause you to enable such abuse? Why would you not want to fight for your marriage?

Sorry! To be clear, it was two different conversations.

My problem is just being un-used to saying no, to anyone. That's how I've always been. I don't think I ever told WH no about anything until the night he gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. He was trying to hold me from behind before he started talking, and I told him, "No, whatever you have to say I want you to look me in the eyes and say it." I realize that is totally crazy.

But that's what I meant about getting stronger. Just being able to say no to him is difficult. And I know it just comes from childhood abuse issues I never dealt with. I'm determined to push past them now. I have to.

I appreciate your responding. Every time you say something like this it makes me feel... more capable.

Question - for anyone: in Plan B do I remove him from my Facebook contacts? Or just hide his posts?