Nevermind.

Penni, why did you delete this post?

I am just frustrated, overall.

I am on a roller coaster right now.

Yesterday I did tons of things that were aimed at meeting his ENs and I was happy to do them and then I let one half-joking DJ slip and he went into a tirade and said, "Sometimes being with you feels awful. I can't be in this marriage anymore." He hasn't talked to me since then and slept on the couch last night.

His punishments aren't fitting the crimes, I feel. It seems like he will use any excuse to tell me he wants a divorce.

Just a few hours before that I showed up at his work because I had made plans for us and he said I looked so beautiful I needed to come inside so he could show me off. Why the extreme hot and cold?

Ah yes, the old "tit for tat" ploy! Geez I had to get past that. The hot and cold came from your DJ. It doesn't take much now does it? Oh, I agree, he did try and punish you and hurt you with insensitive comments. He does want to be with you or he wouldn't have wanted to show you off in the first place. Focus on that part, get over his comments that were intended to hurt you for now, and get back in the saddle.

Thanks, Hill. I want to get back in the saddle but the last thing he said to me was that statement I mentioned above and he hasn't spoken to me since. Do I just pretend like that didn't happen? What if he really meant it?

I've told my wife 100 times I didn't want "to be in this marriage." I almost always said it after she lit me up like a XMAS Tree with DJs and other love busters. I know it sounds so simple when Dr H says on the radio show, "What you are doing to me hurts me horribly." Is that hard for you to say to your husband?

As far as did he really mean it? NO. He just cancelled on his drinking buddy friends to be with you 3 days ago. My guess is you didn't DJ him when you were out on your glorious weekend now did you? What I learned when I want my needs met from my wife is that I have to make it pleasant and enjoyable for her to meet them. I try to do this every time. ONE DJ can cause a good day to crash and burn, just ONE, got that? You can't demand he apologize to you for saying what he said, but you certainly can apologize for your sarcastic comment. What was it by the way? By gut tells me it was something hurtful to him, in fact so hurtful it caused him to shut down. Being a professional "shutter downer" myself I can relate.

I do say that it hurts me horribly when he says stuff like that and if it right after he said it, he will respond by saying, "good, you deserve it."

We were at an outdoor concert and had some small bottles of wine with us. He downed one quickly and then drank a beer. He opened another mini-bottle of wine and then said, "I will down this and then we can go." So I said, "Why do you need to down it you alchy (short for alcoholic)? If you are ready to leave, why did you even open that?" My tone was not pleasant, I will admit. I don't like it when he gets drunk because our likelihood of fighting goes up 10 fold. I was drinking lemonade. He got really upset at me referring to him as an alcoholic. I immediately apologized but that never matters - once he gets upset there is no changing his mood until at least the next morning. And, giving him space doesn't work, either. He goes into full on attack mode and follows me around the house DJing and AOing.

We did just talk and he said that I need to eliminate DJs completely. I have reduced them a lot and am trying to eliminate them. I am not perfect, though. He apologized for what he said.

He doesn't agree that he needs to eliminate DJs, though. He says, "Its cause and effect. I would never say that stuff if you didn't start it. If you don't want me to say hurtful things, then learn to keep your yap shut."

You need to learn to be honest about your feelings without DJing.
You could have said something about not liking him drinking without calling him a name or being confrontational. If you ask him a question like "Why did you even open that?" a lot of people will feel trapped and not know how to respond without attacking.

Honesty is vital, and I agree that the DJs have to stop on his side too but you can only model the program by learning it yourself thoroughly right now.

I know Rosy, it was definitely not the right way to go about it.

One thing I find frustrating is that when I communicate honestly and respectfully, he doesn't listen or respond. Although my success rate with DJing and SDing is not high, it is actually higher than when I state something respectfully. He is really into IB, so my thoughtful requests get ignored. I guess that is just more evidence that the entire program needs to be used, it is just hard when he isn't on board.

I'll keep working on cleaning up my side of the street, for now.

Ok that makes sense, you struck a nerve with the comment and he got defensive and "shut it down." He likely saw your comment as a personal attack on him as a person and his character. How did you apologize to him? Was it a sincere apology or a "cover you're butt" one? "Cover your butt" apologies are intended to be used at a later time if need be to make you appear superior morally. It is just another way of DJing your husband. You jabbing him at the concert is no excuse for him saying horrible things. Take that as a sign to never jab him again about that subject or any other. Do you need help on phrasing a thoughtful request about the getting drunk thing that bothers you?

Do you think he wants to be with you in this marriage now? It looks like it to me. Have fun tonight.

Yes, he is sensitive about drinking.

My apology was sincere, I knew right away it was a DJ and felt bad. He might not have heard it as sincere though, I don't know.

Yes, I do need help about wording thoughtful requests about getting drunk. I cannot, for the life of me, think of a way to word it that would get him to say, sure I can avoid that or let's have an honest discussion about it. My impression is he doesn't want me to have opinions about drinking at all.

Yes, I think he wants to be in the marriage. He said to me today that he said that stuff to be hurtful but that he is really happy overall. He also said, let's not let this ruin the weekend. So, hopefully we can enjoy ourselves tonight.

Ok I advise you follow suit and have a great weekend as well for now. Come back to the drinking thing later since he has expressed to you that he would like to enjoy the weekend together. Meet his needs this weekend. Don't worry about what you are gonna get out of the deal. Make yourself irresistible to him by meeting his top five needs the entire weekend. You'll be amazed how much more responsive he'll be about the drinking thing if he falls hard for you ALL weekend. Pretend you are dating and don't take him for granted. Did I mention "don't worry what you'll get out of the deal?" Catch my drift?

Penny, if drinking is a problem, I don't think asking the right way the 100th time is going to male a difference. I encourage you to go to an open AA meeting, it'll help you with compassion. Being divorced from a man who had problems controlling his drinking, my suggestion would be to enjoy the glorious weekends now wile you can, while getting your ducks in a row. Maybe he'll surprise you and the problems will get better over time. But then at least you are prepared for whatever happens.

Have you considered an Al-anon meeting? There's a lot of healing in those rooms.

I understand that there is no way to speak to him that might not cause him to react badly, but if you are practicing speaking without DJing then it will stand you well in the future anyway.

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic, I well remember the arguments that happened any time any of us suggested we didn't like his drinking. But be better for you anyway.

Hi Rosy,

I have sometimes wondered if he is an alcoholic. When I look up the diagnosis criteria, he doesn't fit.
He can have just one beer in the evening quite often and he certainly doesn't drink every day. He goes for a week or two without drinking sometimes.

On the flip side, we have had some very dramatic events when he has been out drinking without me, maybe 8 times total since we have been together. He wants to drink during all RC activities, even if sports are involved, and during yard work. He doesn't like to attend my family events because people don't drink at them. He also has a lot of alcoholics in his family. And, once when I asked him to quit he told me he would divorce me if I demanded that. He said it was because he wouldn't want to be married to someone that was so controlling and didn't want him to have fun. This makes me think it is a problem.

I have no idea if I should be doing anything about it or not.

Penny, I think it's obvious from your posts that drinking is a problem in your marriage. Physical dependence is a later stage of alcoholism. I hope you get the information you need.

Yesterday we had some of my husband's work friends over. At one point, one of them said, "well we all know, the ladies at [workplace] LOOOVE [my H}"! They referred to both the customers and the ladies at the office. I had a hard time enjoying myself for the rest of the night.

If I had to guess, my H's number 1 need is admiration. He is also very attractive and very personable. Maybe this is why I am struggling so much to get him to fall more in love with me - he is getting a ton of admiration at work.

I asked him about it in a very carefully worded way in order to avoid DJs. He said that by ladies, what the guys meant was much older ladies. He also said that he really prides himself on giving good customer service and when they do ratings, he gets the highest ratings of everyone and is proud of that. So, he views it as being good at his job?

I feel like this one comment has jolted me into withdrawal. How can I compete?

Your H is attempting to appease you with the older ladies comment, and he is lying to boot.

Grr...if only we had a time machine, you could go back and respond, "Well, *I* didn't know that. Tell me more, please. Should I be concerned?"

I think you should be concerned if your H has a reputation with his co-workers as a ladies' man.

I know, I kind of froze from shock, I wish I would have communicated that it bothered me then and there. I know he is attractive and personable, I just never thought people would refer to him as a ladies man. It isn't a good feeling. I don't know where to go from here since he doesn't accept it as accurate.

Wish I could help you. Here's an anecdote that might make you chuckle: I discovered that my H thought it was 'nice' to compliment women when he did it in front of me one day, at the grocery store, complimented a woman on her hair. I was appalled that he had the nerve, told him it was no different from walking up to some woman and saying, "I'm attracted to you." It didn't fit in with normal boundaries around our marriage. He argued it was INDEED different, it was not flirting, it was being nice, so I walked up to a guy that was walking across the parking lot and said, "I really love your hair." Oh, H saw THAT as flirting, indeed (H is bald, btw). So did long-hair dude. Big smile from him. Later I complimented a random guy on his shirt, H finally relented, Okay! Okay! I get it! Please stop! I'll never do it again! lol.