What do you and the kids want? If you both want them to have overnights, then just tell him that it's part of the territory in a divorce.

In my case, my XH is not a pleasant person. The kids did NOT want to have overnights. The boys spent one night with their father at Easter last year, and they went out of town with him for a 7-day vacation last May. They have not had an overnight since, and my older son came back from vacation saying that he was not willing to go on another vacation with his father.

Also, my kids are older than yours. I did not need to have a break from the kind of hands-on parenting that you have with a 6yo. I have left the younger children in the care of the older children for overnights several times since my WXH and I separated in Aug of '09. Before the separation, we had left the younger children in the care of the older ones for nearly a week.

I would not have visitation from 10-10 on Saturday for the 6yo. By the time he gets home, ready for bed, and settled down enough to sleep, he's probably not getting a good night's sleep. IMO, it should end earlier or he should spend the night.

Visitation every weekend is kind of unusual. When you get a job you will NOT be happy if he has the children every single Saturday. What's more common is every other weekend plus a weeknight dinner visit (usually Tuesday or Wednesday) that happens every week. IMO, you should try to move to that kind of schedule instead.

Oh, the visits are 1, 3, and 5th. I'd die if it was every weekend. I don't even like sharing them as is. I get your point about the 10 pm thing, cause it is hard Sunday morning getting up for church.

The middle of the week thing, I told him he shouldn't even try it bc he couldnt make it home till 7:30 and bed time is 8:30. He was fine with that.

He has all kinds of excuses of why he cant keep them overnight- not enough space (staying with another D man in a 2300 sq.ft house), to far away (2 hours), and latest- friend has kids same weekend.... when I mention he could stay with his parent- same excuses with, well I dont live there. I've suggested a cheap hotel in town and that's a no go. Good golly the weather is great- he could take em camping.

The boys would like it...I just hear the garbage coming from his mouth and think- you just don't want to do it...

You're right. He doesn't want to do it. But that doesn't matter. He's the father of those boys and they need him in their life (assuming that he's not verbally or emotionally abusive).

If the boys would like it, then you just tell him that he has to take them. Also, since the other dad has his kids on the same weekends, offer to switch to 2nd and 4th weekends instead.

Even if you can't get him to take the kids for overnights, you need to put an end to having them home at 10 pm. For the sake of your youngest, you need to have them home by 8:30 at the latest.

IMO, you need to go ahead and require him to make the mid-week visit. It would be good for the kids even if he just shows up at 7:30 and takes them out for a walk or for ice cream. He could have them back to the house at 8:15. Don't stress about his drive. He's the one who chose to move 2 hours away. If he has to drive 4 hours for a 45 minute visit, then that's just the consequences of his choices. Parents sacrifice for their kids. He needs to feel that sacrifice occasionally.

Also, document every time he refuses to take the kids. If he suddenly starts demanding 50% custody because he wants to lower his child support, you need to have records showing that he has no desire for increased custody.

Hmmm... I guess your right about the mid week visit... I already document the times he calls- as well as the days I talk with him about calling them... it's just nonsense...

Now I'm working on getting him to get pay stubs- it is automated and I dont have access to it- he says he's bringing it to court on thurs- I'm just trying to figure out how his raise did not affect his pay?!?! something seems off.

wow... something is in the air bc my STXWH called again tonight...Wow that makes four times last week and once this week...I guess he thought about the oldest feeling like he washed his hands of him got to him... that or we have court thurs for temp orders...

I don't trust him at all...I'd love to think its for the kids but I just dont trust him...

maybe bc I hear him lie to them all the time, ya know about little things- all I do is work and run... lol really- whatever loser... then I think maybe, maybe I'm wrong there isnt anyone else- he just truly was done trying to make me feel safe... then I see a charge on the debit card that indicates he is not where he claims to be living- at least not 90% of the time...

I'm needing the PI to get on it... I would like some closure but I'd love the proof to aide in the D...

I still wish I wasn't going through this mess... I wish he was home hanging out with us...it sucks...I'm very lonely
HF

Already my day is starting off on a sad note...Nothing has happened except for the fact I'm awake...I start thinking wow, when will I stopped loving him, when will I stop missing him, how long does it take? Why did it not take him so long? How is it that on 4-26 he said I love you- then on 4-27 he moved out? How is it he loved me, yet the story he says not is he couldn't stand to be in the room with me? I don't understand. I wish I had clarity. My heart is breaking for him.

Maybe some of these feeling are a result of him not being SO heartless towards the kids. I'm starting that thought process of he is a good man. It was me. Maybe they were just really busy at work. Maybe there was nothing between him and his co-worker. Maybe my junk from the A was too much for him to deal with and he was just done. Ya know like I going up this mountain that is never going to end- I can't take it any longer- I throw my arms up.

I dont know, bc I did not get an explanation that makes sense to me... well I guess I did get I'm not willing to do the things you need to feel safe... I can't understand that

I can't understand how you claim to love and want good things for someone- yet you don't care if things you do hurt them... I dont understand it.

I wish I could move on emotionally like he has.

He may be putting the difference for the raise in another savings acct or adding percentage to his TSP. Which he will have to split with you anyway.... Can your attorney have his boss give you copies? I would think you should have access to his online acct...passwords ect...it's community property??? ask your att. I hope he's not trying to hide something. I would request pay stubs for the last year so you can compare distributions.

don't trust him! even if you are having a good day and all seems wonderful.



getting the answers from a PI will help. If he is having an A that would answer ALOT of questions. Just do it...you have nothing to lose. and you will gain an extra 10% or you will know he truly is just a selfish person.

He doesnt want the kids becuase it cuts into his social time. He is divorcing the family becuase he is selfish and wants to have things his way with whoever he wants when he wants. He needs to wake up to the fact that it's not going to be that way. He chose to have children, he can't just walk away. Don't be concerned about his excuses....your not here to accomadate him. He's a big boy, he chose this.

I was just thinking..... you/he can get paper stubs mailed to your home also if requested. I would have your attorney request you get a mailed copy for each pay period. If he gets lots of OT that needs to be figured into your alimony... What is the TX law on alimony??

They have told him and it has not helped. He is digging his own grave.

I have documented each time I talked with him and told him the boys need him to call- then him calling the next day.

I believe his cage was rattled, I'd like to think when I told him our oldest felt his dad had washed his hands of him, because he has called nightly- and even came to our sons kinder graduation at school. Or someone has talked with him about the money aspect of it all. IDK, I just know I dont trust him at ALL!

I sent him a text asking about his midweek- thur visit- his response was I'm working the next two thurs. nights so I'll have to do it the following one. And he added he didn't know this was part of the standard visits- REALLY?!?! I reminded him we talked about it when he left and he must have forgotten... crazy!

I think he is putting it in a different account- then when it runs out he debits out of ours...I dont know where he is getting the money.

I have access to the TSP on line- I actually changed the password the other day bc he had requested the account from the agency and they sent it to the house.

The pay stubs are automated and I do not know the password. He is supposed to bring the last three months into court tomorrow. We will see if he does it.

Maybe I need to go back and ask for a longer time period.

I did run a free credit check on him- and there are no new accounts- I'd think they'd show up pretty quickly if they did...IDK

You need to have a separate bank account. Put most of the money in the separate one and pay all the bills from "your" account. That way he can't waste money that you need for survival.

I had both, but had left a large balance in the joint account and my WXH cleaned it out. And then didn't he give me any more money for a couple of months.

Open the new account today.

Hopeing all goes well in court today! keep us posted

Well, court was fine. He has been ordered to place his entire check into the account, I pay all bills- with his money. No support was ordered at this time bc all the money is tied up in household expenses, and college fund deposits. It was determined if he paid all bills- the amount of support I would get would be less than the money I get now.

He was warned that if he continues to spend like an 18 year old then this would no longer be the case.

In the mean time, I opened up an account today. My plan is to pay all bills as soon as his check hits, make a withdraw for my living expenses and leave him very little in the account to spend. I don't know how else to handle the situation.

I did ask the attorney if this is setting up some kind of standard for support at a latter time- like once I get a job I will not have to give her as much bc she is working. She stated no...

If I hear one more time from him or his attorney- you just got your masters degree I'm gonna scream... I have not had 18 consistent years working... I will be just starting out like a 25 college graduate... It will take time... I dont know why any one cant see that...

Regarding custody- Texas is pushing for joint managing, so that is what we have with me being the possessor. Visitations are standard- unless otherwise agreed by us. He isnt gonna do the 50/50 thing- he chooses not to do overnights. No worries there.

He has been calling- so that's good for the kids. they need that.

Hi HF, love the name btw.

I'm glad things went well for you in court today.

I was wondering....did you have to see your stbx in court? I don't want to see my stbx at all, while he's ripping my heart out. I've already asked my attorney to try to arrange it to where I don't have to see him. I don't know for sure if it's going to be possible.

If you did have to be in the same room with him, what was that like? I cring thinking about it. I've never wanted to see, or know, what that feels like. Shrug.

MyJourney-

Yes I did see him in court today. Honestly it's getting easier and easier for me to be around him. Remember I have young kids with him- he will be in my life for 12 more parenting years. I try very hard for the kids.

Our sons graduation party was much easier to be around him- then prom night four days after he moved out. Prom night I wanted to grab him, hug him and say please can we work this out- please dont do this- but I didnt... I let him come over to the house- with all the grandparents and take pictures and send off our son for the night.

The graduation party- we stayed on opposite ends of the house for the most part- that is until his family left and he camped at the dining room table with my family- for two hours- when he FINALLY left- we all said- what the heck was that about.

Our kindergartener had graduation this week at school- I was sitting with a friend and he walked up and stood maybe four feet from me... I moved to the other side of the room for better viewing- and there he was again... I turned to another friend and stated "he like a bad magnate, I can't shake."

What has helped me is not engaging in conversations with him... like when he attempted to go down memory lane regarding a vacation last summer- he tried to draw me into a comparison of our zip line experience with that of his parents (he was talking with his dad at the graduation party)... I just shrugged my shoulders- started the dishwasher and returned to the dining room with my family.

It is hard because I want to converse with him. I have leaned on that man for almost 19 years- its rough. 90% of communication is now via email or text- and about the kids.

I just I'm trying this going dark thing- as much as I can with the kids.

And when I start to get those warm feelings and longing for him, I remember the pain he has caused.

It is getting harder to be mad at him bc he has been calling the kids more and trying with them more. So I now draw on what he has done to me.

As far as the court thing, I took a book and tried to read it. Or at least pretended. I sat twirling my hair as he sat behind me watching prior to entering the court room. Our attorneys met together, met with us- individually, met again- then we were called in front of the judge. I did not look at him or speak to him. I answered the few questions asked of me. It was dismissed I left to the elevator he took the stairs.

I think he may finally be getting I can't be around him. I need that for my emotional well-being.

I guess I have just decided- that man will never see me weak, sad, crying etc over this D process. I may go home and have a good old cry- but NEVER around him. He lost the chance to be in my emotional world. He lost that, when he stated he no longer wanted to be in the M, he felt he could have another A, he didn't want to go to counseling, he is unwilling to meet my needs for safety etc.

You can do it MJ, I have no doubt, be strong and try using self talk. It does me wonders.

later!

I'm impressed with you being able to compose yourself during the hearing. I do hope I don't cry, if I have to be in the same room as my stbx, when my time comes. Maybe enough distance will pass before then to help me through it.



Your husband told you he felt he could have another affair? If so, at least he was open and honest about it. Mine just skirted it with "with each have needs we're uncomfortable meeting for each other", and "he does want a loving relationship with someone someday".

My husband also told me he didn't want to work on the marriage anymore, and wanted connections with other women. I believe he thinks it's all about emotional needs only, and not any of the the other stuff like poja, commitment, empathy, presence, etc. He couldn't see how hard it was for me to meet his needs, when he wouldn't meet my top needs for safety, etc.

I honestly think he blames me, and how I am, for his unhappiness. All of that came about when we were filling out new EN Qs and I made my top need protecting the marriage. He was just to into himself to negotiate so that we were both happy.

He feels better about himself if you act like everyting is fine. Good for you!


Your doing very well HF. You sound as though you are getting stronger everyday. I'm very proud of you, even though I know you don't want to be here and still can't believe you are here.

I still ask God regularly "what is it Im suppose to learn here? and is'nt there an easier way to get this done!"

You really think he feels better about himself if I act like everything is fine? That man has felt fine since the day he walked. To me it seems he has a hard time when he is around us for special events- he's here but not part of it, bc he's not really included. I don't know if that makes sense.

This weekend was hard for me. I was really busy. I went out with a girlfriend to watch a local band, ate dinner with friends, went to the movies, and even watched the Mavs with some friends. But in this business I was still so lonely.

I feel broken, sad, and very scared (financially). My kids are starting to have a harder time. The little one has these crying fits over nothing, my 6th grader got in the car the last day of school in tears- bc he may NEVER see his friends again, my oldest is blowing up (yelling) at his friends for no reason.

Me- I am so angry at my stxwh each time I see him, I cant talk for fear of what might fly from my mouth. He asked me how I was doing the other day. Really? The man that told me two weeks again, he couldn't stand to be in the same room with me- wants to know how I'm doing?!?!? All I could do was roll my eyes and sigh.

I wish I would have said, "Sorry, you lost the right to discuss my feelings when you left me. I am now leaning on my friends."

Then there were discussions about being consistent with visits. He asked to bring the boys home at 8 on sundays not 6 bc school is out. I feel that is fine as long as he can be consistent. His response, "I don't know if I can commit to that." REALLY? I guess the look I gave him prompted him to explain. That the two older ones go to youth from 4-6. I said that's fine- you can drop em off, pick em up and hang out with them. Then I added you do have another child that doesnt go- you could spend time with him as well.

He abruptly left the house, returning saying I made him so made he forgot to tell the boys bye. Really- this was a conversation regular voices and tones.

I sent him an email- again stating the importance of being consistent. I even asked him to explain the reason he has a problem with my POV and maybe we could figure something out.

I got a verbal response the following day- "it's just hard bc I spend most the time driving the boys to do things and dont get to see them." REALLY!!!

I again said- you could stay at your parents over night with them- he again says- I don't live there. WTH. I think my oldest finely realized that last night.

Ugh! and since it was his weekend I had him pick up our son from work- he asked his dad to get him something to eat- he was told why didn't you get something at work- then you can just eat at home. It was midnight. He didn't feed them lunch (picked up at 1) they ate cookies and junk with him at his moms house. OMG... I noticed this last week too!

It's just irritating.

OMG...he then tells my son that between dropping the boys off and picking him up (830 p to 1130) he was at a "friends" house. My son said "mom do you think it's that "friend" from four years ago (OW)?" my response was I have no idea.

I feel like I living a nightmare. This is not what I thought my life would be like at all. It's time to paint a new picture.