WPG Forgive me for butting in but I have been lurking on your thread for a bit,

Your last update sounded like a real breakthrough. He feels a bit like one of the abused kids I spent most of my life working with, he's been horribly hurt and like them he wants to trust, wants to let it be, but he's scared honey, if he is behaving like one of the kids I worked with he is quite likely to lay low for a bit before he does the next step.

Gently gently. (I hope I am right cos so many of those kids, when they had someone who just was who accepted the little bits when they were offered, who didn't push , but were available, who kept on keeping on, those were the lucky kids, those were the ones who made a success of things. Yr H is behaving a bit like that this last week)

If they didn't get that, it was so much harder for them.

I'm refraining from my previous excitement, as I don't want to feed your inner Farley.

Way to go, WPG!

Oh, WPG, I am sooooo glad to read all this!

Hang on - not that you would need much encouragement now. Do you yourself realize how different, how much more hopeful you sound in your past few posts compared to the ones, say, a couple of months ago?

Knew it WPG! had that feeling that your H wasnt done, not by a long shot. i am sooo happy for you.

Hey WPG,

I just posted to UBS over on SAA, and I read your exchange.

YOU, my girl, are freakin' awesome. He's in a lot of pain and lashed out at you. Fresh sitch over there. Don't let that (for one single second) think that you shouldn't reach out to folks in his position when you want to. Your input is delivered with respect and dignity, and you are a very brave woman. Got it?

This empathy is going to serve you well in life, my friend. Strength + empathy and compassion is a powerful equation, and you've got it.

(P.S. Naw, you're husband isn't done by a long-shot, me thinks! Agree with SMM! :))

Not that I'm lurking or anything...:)

DITTO !!!!!!!!

I am about "done" with that unhappy husband on SAA.
He's hell bound and stubborn to boot.

thanks muchly - y'all are so sweet!

I was just having an overly sensitive day. Well, truthfully been a little out of sorts since the vacation last week. I felt like things were positive too, but he's backed off and become cold again. I know it's a roller coaster so I'm just trying to ride things out. He was here w/the kids today and stayed for dinner. DD#2 has a slumber party Friday night and I had said maybe we could ask my folks to watch DD#1 and we could go out to dinner and a movie. I think he agreed - lol, it wasn't enthusiastic - but then we had a storm come up and it started hailing, marble-sized hail. He freaks out about his car getting hailed on. Cussed, threw a flashlight across the garage. I didn't say a word, just went on with what I was doing. He got ready for work and I asked if he wanted me to fix him something to eat later, he said no, and left w/o saying goodbye.

Yes, I know, opportunity for honesty here, and I failed b/c of fear. I was afraid of his anger. I wasn't even the cause of it, but I felt myself subconsciously blaming myself for it - like the hailstorm was something I could have prevented. Pretty stupid, and makes no logical sense. I could have just said, "It scares me when you throw things." Boom. Completely factual, no DJs.

I'm glad you all see positives in our sitch, though, 'cause over here Tommy Boy has crushed his last biscuit. Not every M can/should be saved, and not all BS's want to restore a M after infidelity. I think my H is one of those. And I don't blame him at all for it. I'll always hold out hope, and I'd welcome him back home with open arms in a second, but this recovery is his choice to make. I think that's why unhappy's comment got to me so bad, because I can hear my H saying that.

I know which outcome I prefer - restoring our M - but whatever happens I'll be OK. Getting to "OK" may take longer than I can imagine, but I'll be there eventually.

Hi WPG

Do not worry about the negative comment you got. At least you have made a decision and you are doing something about your situation. You either will be happy on your own or with your husband, no in between.

Have you thought about keeping a book when you have not been fully open or honest. You can write it down and let your H know that he can have full access to it. You can also write down your thought process that led you to the dishonesty. Or if you have the Harley workbook, keep track of it there:)

Good luck and do not give up on happiness.

Shooting fish in a barrel here, but this may be him backing off because... he's being drawn.

Again, it's a protective reaction on his part.

Consistency and patience, sister. Consistency and patience.

What HHH said.

I actually think this is a good sign. He's conflicted. He had a good time in the Mtn's with you guys and now he's totally confused. How can he have such a good time when he hates you for what you did?

Remember when I posted that your H and my W sounded a lot alike (even though she was the wayward)? My W had a number of these pull backs. One of them was a HUGE one. She's told me since that during these pull backs, she was still in a messed up place because if I wasn't the evil [censored] she'd made me out to be to justify the A, then there was no justification for it.

I think your H is in the same place. If he's made you out to be this vile, evil woman, how can he have a good time with you? So what does he do? Anger and pull back.

Like HHH said....Consistency and patience. And then some more patience.

And let go of the expectations. He'll figure this out on his own time line. Not yours. And if you truly want this to work, you'll give him that time.

H4U.

Amen.

I apologize for being a tad late to this gathering, WPG, but wanted to throw my appreciation into the pot as well. There are only a handful of WW's on this site who I'd pee on if they were on fire, and you're one of them. That doesn't exactly come across as an endorsement, I guess, but it's enough, I hope you know, that your balanced and thoughtful posts have helped, and continue to help, many folks here.

That poster is reeling from awful hurt, and lashed out at someone who was charitably offering him a lifeline. For every one like him, there will be dozens who will pull themselves to safety. Keep throwing, okay?

wpg, I believe, I have heard that often anger is a secondary emotion from other things happening on our lives. Maybe your hus knows he has lost control of his life. He is tied to you by love, by family, maybe by tradition of no divorces in family , who knows. So his toleration for fustration in low. It is with me as well. I dont know if insight is helpful to either you or me in this. But, the phrase of let go let god, or let fate , or whatever, take over, might be the state of outlook one has to have in order to move on. I hate that its so hard to let go.
I even try to find fault and shortcommings with myself to balance things. If life is a casino I think the game is rigged.
maybe not . Humor is another defensive technique I try from time to time. Like many bs I want the ws to suffer too. If I could cause it would I? probably not. Decency is a handicap. I wish I knew some magic words other than the old one ...time.

lol @ NG - hey, I'll take that as a ringing endorsement!!! BTW, I'm also looking forward to reading your story when you get it posted!

@ never - low frustration tolerance makes sense. Actually, it is a symptom of depression as well. I'm glad to see you're still around the boards, too!



Time and...as H4U and HHH said, consistency & patience. Two more magic words.

I was thinking about that journal idea too, WW26 - very similar to what NG posted about on HFD's thread. I have a regular journal I write in sometimes, and I've always told H he could read it, but usually when I get to the point I feel like writing, it digresses rapidly into self-flagellation, but what I need to address instead is my pattern of not being honest about my needs and not letting H know (gently, gently) about LBs.

**crossing fingers** I think I still have a date for Friday night...soooo...I need to brainstorm and find something a little more creative than dinner and a movie, which was always kind of our fallback idea (that or shopping at wal-mart, lol)

When you and your H were still working on recovery together, did you ever fill out the Recreational Companionship questionnaire? It has a lot of great ideas for date nights. It would be a great resource to look at even if he didn't fill it out with you.

No - the only one we did was the ENQ - and on the EN of RC, about all he had written was something to the effect of "we only do what she wants to do." At the time we were going on hikes, bike rides, runs together and I thought - assumed - that he enjoyed it b/c he acted like he did and never said otherwise. But I will def. check it out and see what kinds of ideas I can get!

You were married for a long time, so I'm sure you have a pretty good idea of what he might like and what he wouldn't like. I would just go through the list and rate them how you think he would rate them and then pick something that you think he would enjoy doing. Make it something fun and exciting and different.

Go Tubing - I think there's a 5:00 trip at Dan River Adventures, just north of Greensboro. We had more fun doing that than anything we've done in years. In fact, we're buying our own tubes so we can do it more often!

And, the astonomy viewings around the area are amazing. There's a Supernova in one of the far galaxies right now that some telescopes can pick up. We do the viewing and dinner at least 1 Friday night. But, my DH has his own xcope and loves astronomy.

There's also a Wine Festival somewhere in Zebulon I heard about, I think that's more over your way.

Good luck on your date!

No ideas for RC unfortunately. Although HopefulNC's post reminded me when I went wine tasting with BH. It was a lot of fun. Oh and cheese making on a farm.