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Though I would submit that sometimes using Famous Examples can be helpful in illustrating MB principles (and what happens when they are not followed), especially to new folks. I disagree. I think the "fame" part of those peoples lives serves mostly as a distraction for the noobs. We have plenty of examples (good & bad) that exclude fame. Easier to wrap one's mind around. Yebbut - it always seemed to me that the Famous Examples just go to show that the dynamics of adultery don't change, no matter how much fame you have or don't have. And if someone here has a WH who has a high-powered job but is sexting girls on the side, maybe the idiot congressman's current example could serve as a wake-up call as to what really happens when people try to do this *and how much there really is to lose.* Sometimes an illustration helps if the words aren't getting through. Though it's true that it's just my opinion and I am admittedly coming at this from the other side of the fence.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Mulan, are you anywhere near those terrible fires?
Just threadjacking myself.
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Look, as far as Anthony's weener goes, imho he HAS cheated and it is relevant bc today so many of these horrible vile affairs begin on FB and on social media websites.
Do I personally think he cheated? Yes. I do not believe it was isolated and only texting and IM's. If he'd go that far, he'd act on his urges.
So celebrity sitch's are important. They offer up a way imho to talk to your wh or ww or dh or dw and bring up ways to discuss what is ACCEPTABLE vs. unacceptable spousal behavior.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Look, as far as Anthony's weener goes, imho he HAS cheated and it is relevant bc today so many of these horrible vile affairs begin on FB and on social media websites.
Do I personally think he cheated? Yes. I do not believe it was isolated and only texting and IM's. If he'd go that far, he'd act on his urges.
So celebrity sitch's are important. They offer up a way imho to talk to your wh or ww or dh or dw and bring up ways to discuss what is ACCEPTABLE vs. unacceptable spousal behavior. If I want to help a new BS understand Plan A & B, I think leaving out the celebrity example distraction is a better way to go. Your milage may vary. I personally think it is not the best way to serve up MB to the noobs. I think linking the Dr Harley video is a better use of my time. Theirs too.
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If I want to help a new BS understand Plan A & B, I think leaving out the celebrity example distraction is a better way to go.....I personally think it is not the best way to serve up MB to the noobs.
PB, anytime you again need to visit the man-cave, feel free to use my member's ID.
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Mulan, are you anywhere near those terrible fires?
Just threadjacking myself. I'm in the Phoenix area myself and the fires are about 150 miles away to the northeast - there's no smoke or anything. I do have relatives near Flagstaff, but here on the Island we are always ready for guests. thanks for asking!
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Was just going to add that I did have, and still have, a lot of trouble convincing some family and friends of what XWH was really up to. He is/was such a Great Guy, and we did get along very well for such a long time, that I know a lot of the family and friends don't believe me when I try to tell them what he was really up to. I just tell them that that's okay - he had me fooled for a long time, too.
That may be why I am often drawn to using Famous Examples. For a very long time, everybody was convinced that guys like Tiger, Arnold, John Edwards and Rep. Weiner were just the greatest guys in the world and, for the most part, stellar family men. If any rumors about them came out, most people scoffed and blew them off as being just trashy gossip or a mean story coming from an unstable and vindictive wife.
XWH had exactly the same rep - big successful big shot who was also the greatest guy in the world. Sometimes, if I can say to family and friends, "Yeah, he was just like Arnold - he was just like Tiger - he was living one huge lying double life - " they suddenly Get It.
Famous People aren't the only ones who do lie and cheat and lead double lives. And I think many "regular" folks don't understand this and just don't make the connection. That sure has been my experience with "In Real Life" people who actually knew XWH.
One of the very hardest parts of all this is when people don't believe me and choose to believe the world-class liar instead. Princess Diana, whom I always did like, can send me into a tailspin to this day because she, too, was ridiculed and dismissed and thrown under the bus as simply being crazy and a liar. Who would take her word against that of the Royal Family? She was just a wife. She was not born one of Them. Princess or no, they dumped her like last week's trash rather than confront the truth about their own family member.
That was my experience, too. People don't believe you because they don't want to believe you. They don't want to face the cold nasty truth about their family member or their long-time friend - so it must be you who's just making stuff up. Guess who ends up thrown under the bus? And people wonder why it takes so long to heal from this - if ever.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Look, as far as Anthony's weener goes, imho he HAS cheated and it is relevant bc today so many of these horrible vile affairs begin on FB and on social media websites.
Do I personally think he cheated? Yes. I do not believe it was isolated and only texting and IM's. If he'd go that far, he'd act on his urges.
So celebrity sitch's are important. They offer up a way imho to talk to your wh or ww or dh or dw and bring up ways to discuss what is ACCEPTABLE vs. unacceptable spousal behavior. If I want to help a new BS understand Plan A & B, I think leaving out the celebrity example distraction is a better way to go. Your milage may vary. I personally think it is not the best way to serve up MB to the noobs. I think linking the Dr Harley video is a better use of my time. Theirs too. Strangely enough Marriage Builders radio talks about those celebrity news items quite a bit. But they usually move into discussing the Marriage Builders concepts pretty quickly. I would say that the tragic story of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James last year was what finally woke me up from a lot of very wrong thinking I had. Among other things, up until considering that situation, I felt like anyone in Hollywood ought to expect unfaithfulness in their marriage! As if they deserved it! That woke me up to the fact that nobody deserves this and that my previous feelings on the subject were indefensible and downright immoral. I probably could have and should have realized this some other way, but that was how it happened. I'm glad I was brought to repentance for my former wrong attitudes.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Ok, on the thread title; if a lack of EN meeting was the *primary* reason for adultery, I would be here as a WH, not a BH.
A lack of EN meeting is a primary reason for; transition from the marital state of intimacy to the state of conflict, to the state of conflict to the state of withdrawal.
Poor boundaries and/or self-deception is the *primary* reason.
I would actually argue for a combination of the two. I had pretty loose boundaries for a long time.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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So celebrity sitch's are important. They offer up a way imho to talk to your wh or ww or dh or dw and bring up ways to discuss what is ACCEPTABLE vs. unacceptable spousal behavior. OK. We are actually discussing separate issues. I am discussing what is best to present to a newbie BS on MB. You are not.
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So celebrity sitch's are important. They offer up a way imho to talk to your wh or ww or dh or dw and bring up ways to discuss what is ACCEPTABLE vs. unacceptable spousal behavior. OK. We are actually discussing separate issues. I am discussing what is best to present to a newbie BS on MB. You are not. I agree celebrity situations are typically not relevant to a newbie BS.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Among other things, up until considering that situation, I felt like anyone in Hollywood ought to expect unfaithfulness in their marriage! As if they deserved it! Ha! Yeah. Not too long ago, I had to defend my own marriage and my husband, because it was posted that "everyone" in "Hollywood" (meaning the entertainment industry) is morally corrupt. We lived (he worked) in that community for almost 30 years. (Actually, he worked in that industry almost 40 years) I guess I got what I deserved.  j/k I know first hand celebrity stories my H has shared, but I tend not to share too much of those topics on this forum, for a variety of reasons. One reason being, because it is basically gossip. I am making efforts to reduce my gossip. 
Last edited by Pepperband; 06/10/11 12:36 PM.
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Mulan, are you anywhere near those terrible fires?
Just threadjacking myself. I'm in the Phoenix area myself and the fires are about 150 miles away to the northeast - there's no smoke or anything. I do have relatives near Flagstaff, but here on the Island we are always ready for guests. thanks for asking! Is this an invite? 
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Of course! Seriously, if you are ever out this way let me know! We haz a pool and everything!
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Of course! Seriously, if you are ever out this way let me know! We haz a pool and everything! How kind. Thank you. We will be going to Texas in early August. But, we have decided to fly, not drive, so we will not be passing through your state this time.
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BUMP for current crop of noobie betrayed spouses who are suffering under the "It's all my fault" thinking error.
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