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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
No ladies carry concealed weapons in Texas...right?
Hey Holdherhand, can we change the name of the thread to something like - "We're not in here girls so just go pick on WPG and don't click on this thread"?
I think we are actually outnumbered in here today.
No ladies carry concealed weapons in Texas...right?
We have little pink 9mm's, Reynolds!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
No ladies carry concealed weapons in Texas...right?
Hey Holdherhand, can we change the name of the thread to something like - "We're not in here girls so just go pick on WPG and don't click on this thread"?
I think we are actually outnumbered in here today.
Well, I could get Mel running by changing the title to "Proper Tire-changing discussion," though she'd probably still come in to reply - "Call the Auto Club."
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Proper tire changing requires not leaving your vehicle.
Yes, that's a full stop. End of requirement for gurls. Nobody stops to change the tire on an abandoned vehicle.
This is true, you silly men. We just don't leave the car. You all know what happens next.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
This will be the first post where I bring in YANSS as a supplement to the AoM articles.
Why?
Because the first half of Part II of building your resiliency is about Learned Helplessness.
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Starting in 1967, Dr. Martin Seligman began a series of experiments involving 3 groups of dogs. The first group of dogs were given electric shocks, but were able to press a panel with their nose to make the shocks stop. The second group of dogs were given the shocks as well, but had no recourse to make them stop. The third group was the control and received no shocks.
The dogs in the first and third group recovered well from the experiment. But the dogs in the second group, those that had been helpless to stop the pain, developed symptoms similar to clinical depression.
In the second part of the experiment, the dogs were placed in an enclosed box separated by a low barrier over which they could see. When the shocks were administered, all the dogs had the opportunity to easily escape the pain by jumping over the partition, and this is what the dogs in the first and third group did. But the dogs in the second group, those which had previously learned that there was nothing they could do to escape the shocks, simply lay there whimpering and took it. They had come to believe that nothing they did mattered; Dr. Seligman called this behavior �learned helplessness.�
The experiment was repeated with other animals, babies, and adult humans, and the results were the same. Once subjects had been exposed to a situation over which they had no control, they would continue to feel helpless, even in situations where they did have control.
For those of us who fell into "Doormat Syndrome" either before or after, with or without infidelity, Learned Helplessness is the culprit.
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You were an awesome boyfriend, but still got dumped or a wonderful husband who still got cheated on. You�ve always been a good person, but your father died when you were in college, while the [censored] out there still get to go on fishing trips with their dads. You put your heart and soul into your job, but got passed over for the promotion. You worked your butt off in law school, but you still can�t find a job.
When these kinds of things happen, you lose an important sense of control over your life; you stop believing you�re the captain of your destiny. You followed the rules, but you still got screwed. You feel disillusioned, and it becomes easy to develop a jaded, passive �What�s the point?� philosophy that informs all areas of your life.
But having such an experience doesn�t guarantee that you�ll develop �learned helplessness.�
During his research, Seligman noticed a curious phenomena; in all the experiments, a consistent ratio emerged: 2/3 of the test subjects which had experienced a situation over which they had no control developed �learned helplessness,� while the other third did not. They were able to see the helpless situation as an isolated event, and bounce back to proactively face future challenges.
Dr. Seligman wanted to know the secret of the 1/3 who felt helpless in one situation, but didn�t carry this feeling over to new challenges. Why did the exact same events produce such different responses? The answer turned out to be something called explanatory style.
I'm sure we have part of that lucky 3rd here. I'm not in it, so I'm trying to escape that other 2/3s and take as many men with me as I can!
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Dr. Seligman discovered that the difference between those who were able to bounce back and those who were susceptible to learned helplessness was rooted in the different ways people explain the things that happen to them.
Seligman argues that our interpretation of events can be broken down into three categories:
Personalization (internal vs. external) Pervasiveness (specific vs. universal) Permanence: (temporary vs. permanent).
The authors of The Resilience Factor helpfully rename these categories in an easier to remember way and explain their meaning:
Me/Not Me Always/Not Always Everything/Not Everything:
�A �Me, Always, Everything� person automatically, reflexively believes that he caused the problem (me), that it is lasting and unchangeable (always), and that it will undermine all aspects of his life (everything).When problems arise, a �Not Me, Not Always, Not Everything person believes that other people or circumstances caused the problem (not me), that it is fleeting and changeable (not always), and that it will not affect much of his life (not everything).�
The Misconception: If you are in a bad situation, you will do whatever you can do to escape it.
The Truth: If you feel like you aren�t in control of your destiny, you will give up and accept whatever situation you are in.
The same study is referenced at YANSS, but it goes into more detail about the concept. I happen to think the author's writing style makes the subject matter more approachable.
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When battered women, or hostages, or abused children, or long-time prisoners refuse to escape, they do so because they have accepted the futility of the attempt. What does it matter?
If those people do get out of their situation, they often have a hard time committing to anything which may lead to failure.
Any extended period of negative emotions can lead to you giving in to despair and accepting your fate. If you remain alone for a long time, you will decide loneliness is a fact of life and pass up opportunities to hang out with people.
The loss of control in any situation will lead to this state.
Infidelity, or any other marital melt-down for that matter, definitely feels like a loss of control. Thankfully, if you are here reading this, on this forum, on this site - and you have read the materials available - you are learning how to exert control over yourself. You are also learning how to influence your marital situation in a proven manner. Kudos to you!
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A study in 1976 by Langer and Rodin showed in nursing homes where conformity and passivity is encouraged and every whim is attended to, the health and wellbeing of the patients declines rapidly. If, instead, the people in these homes are given responsibilities and choices, they remain healthy and active.
This research was repeated in prisons. Sure enough, just letting prisoners move furniture and control the television kept them from developing health problems and staging revolts.
In homeless shelters where people can�t pick out their own beds or choose what to eat, the residents are less likely to try and get a job or find an apartment.
When you are able to succeed at easy tasks, hard tasks feel possible to accomplish. When you are unable to succeed at small tasks, everything seems harder.
In my opinion, learned helplessness is a contributor to catastrophizing, which we have visited once and will revisit later in the resiliency series.
Baby steps, gentleman. Small successes.
"If you are scientifically literate, the world looks very different to you. It's not just a lot of mysterious things happening, there's a lot we understand out there, and that understanding empowers you - to first not be taken advantage of, by others that do understand it. And, second... there are issues that confront society, that have science as their foundation..." - Neil Degrasse Tyson
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Excellent article HHH I read it on the site and your commentary in relationships is right on
The ability to have flexible thinking when put in the test of the impossible task a very important part of resiliency IMO
Also the ability to accept our limitations without giving up and thinking it's final. Allowing guilt and shame and it associated fear to rule internally.
Ok so we know that giving someone an unsermoutable task that leads to failure screws up Thier confidence Such is the wisdom we teach our children within Thier capacity Hope fully encouraging them again using hope as we go along
So what about adults who want to escape from reality into a " childhood " they never had? How do we get them to see the wild college life and all the party's they "missed out on" that is portrayed on movies or "girls gone wild" was not as glamourous as they appear?
Let's take a small example I have heard many women use about Thier hubby's
H wants wife to be a paragon of virtue all day but at night the horniest bimbo in the bedroom. Wanting him with unbridled passion
Now I am not saying. This is not possible it's just a lot to carry in the real world
Then of course the guy has to be whatever fantasy W is buying into also to even be interesting enough to get excited about sleeping with them
Then we have the media which could care less about our personal relationships as long as they sell us something ( I wonder if "Twilight" will ever get shown on PBS)
The media wants to sell us a standard and for us to "buy" into it one way $ or another
Guys fall for porn and or maybe even hookers because inside they feel," they WANT me" but all they want is center stage and control of it. The guy is just a " tool"( no pun intended), to have control because they can. Ok it's an easy way out but we can refuse to let them have it. It's up to us and our security in being alone
So the challenge to me is to rise above emotions when it comes down to the choices that shape everybody's lives I am connected to and not only that, but to be happy being there alone. Because in objectivity I can make decisions not made foggy by my own emotions or fears.
Where will I find support for my emotions if I cannot depend on another human being for unconditional love? Human love is conditional we talk about it every day here and the vows we give at marriage show that even God knows it is
But as a Man I/we must find a source of strength outside other people that speaks to us personally as well as carries objective truth
From experience I have felt God never lied to me and gives me the truth One day I will die and cannot take any part of this world with me I will suffer trials and tribulations and have great times of sorrow but wisdom will come out of those times that will prove more precious than Gold I am as free as I accept that the world does not revolve around me and will continue to be filled with good and evil, it's up to me to pick what I want to support.
If to rise above is to trancend the wicked ways of the world and life itself and not live in fear of the consequences of peoples reaction to fear I think I will find myself alone very often because human nature cannot be trusted
To follow other people who exhibit what we could call Gods character still falls short of the divine we are seeking. To me they are just examples of humility and strength forged from somewhere else on the uniververse
To be real we must agree that in truth we are alone with our conscience/God and must trust the lessons we learn from It as a gift, not a condemnation.
Now this is all about personal relationships with others where God works, and if in our conscience we believe in "love thy neighbor as thyself ", and personal acccoutabilty to how you treat others. I don't know how else I could pull that off without God. As my authority. Cause I would have killed so many people by now...Lol
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