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And yes Prisca I am logging my UA hours! This is great  How many hours so far this week?
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And yes Prisca I am logging my UA hours! This is great How many hours so far this week? From Friday to Last night: 8
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And yes Prisca I am logging my UA hours! This is great How many hours so far this week? From Friday to Last night: 8  Over half way there! Do you have the other 7 hours planned out for these next few days?
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I still know she wants the best for both of us, but it is initially awkward. Sorry if I'm not jumping over the chance to get out without the kids, but the revolving circumstances seemed too weird at the moment. , I sympathize that it feels weird. I'm just trying to point out the possibility that your MIL is receiving very mixed messages from you. When you talk to her, it might be helpful to acknowledge the mixed message (rather than explain it away), and apologize to her if you've confused her. One thing to think about: If you're not comfortable to have your MIL babysit your kids (whatever the reason), why did you complain to her that she doesn't babysit? What outcome were you looking for? Because, if I'm reading your post right, it sounds like you were NOT looking for her to change her position on the babysitting. So what WAS your desired outcome? (For her to go back in time to that day she said she wasn't interested in babysitting and NOT say it? LOL. "Re-writing the past" is a very common desired outcome. Unfortunately, it's a desire that has never been fulfilled.) I'm not trying to put you on the defensive. You don't owe me any explanations. I'm suggesting that if you think about this a little more, you might be better equipped to address your issues with your MIL. Honestly, our problems go way deeper than just babysitting. We used to be extremely close. And you are right, I'd rather not utilize her until I've exhausted every other avenue of babysitters because it has been an issue. Even when I have asked her to watch the kids (crystal clear) she is busy or I can hear reluctance in her voice. I'm usually very direct with her, but over the last year it has become vague because I gave up on trying -so there could be some confusion. I'll admit all of this has definitely made me feel like a bitter bi$#@ a lot of times. H has pressured me in the past to hang out with her when I really didn't want to. I'm always fair and make sure she gets time with the kids. It's really way TOO LONG of a story to get into but involves watching other grand kids, priorities, selfishness, inconsiderateness, etc ...
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And yes Prisca I am logging my UA hours! This is great How many hours so far this week? From Friday to Last night: 8 Over half way there! Do you have the other 7 hours planned out for these next few days? We have a list, but nothing concrete on certain days, except for dinner out one night.
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As I said, you don't owe me any explanations. I'm just trying to help you make sure you get clarity around your own feelings and intentions, so you can make the best decisions about your actions.
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As I said, you don't owe me any explanations. I'm just trying to help you make sure you get clarity around your own feelings and intentions, so you can make the best decisions about your actions. I get it and I DO want things to be better. I'll definitely take another look at things and evaluate possible solutions.
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H has pressured me in the past to hang out with her when I really didn't want to. I hope this kind of pressuring from him has come to an end. Would you say that it has?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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H has pressured me in the past to hang out with her when I really didn't want to. I hope this kind of pressuring from him has come to an end. Would you say that it has? No. It has gotten a little better since MB, but still continues. And the last lunch I had with her was incredibly uncomfortable because H persuaded me to go spend time with her. The prior weekend I has asked her a couple of times what was wrong and she said nothing and she was definitely hiding her feelings (just found out the problem when I called Friday). Long story short I had planned on discussing all my feelings with her and wrote things down so I wouldn't be emotional or harsh. I was hoping she would start the conversation (my fault and my problem, I just hate that I always have to initiate everything). She pretended like everything was fine and I got annoyed and postponed the talk. Lesson learned and I wouldn't let that happen again.
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No. It has gotten a little better since MB, but still continues. And the last lunch I had with her was incredibly uncomfortable because H persuaded me to go spend time with her. Oh Hilltopper, Hilltopper ... gonna have to have a talk with that boy. Grace, stop agreeing to spend time with your MIL just because Hilltopper has pressured you into it. This is not POJA -- take the default and do NOTHING with your MIL until you feel enthusiastic about it. This is to protect you. If you continue to make reluctant agreements, you are going to become (if you haven't already) very resentful of Hilltopper. You may even start blaming Hilltopper for the ways your MIL hurts you. Can I suggest that you not worry about fixing your relationship with your MIL until your marriage is healed? When you are both in love again, you and Hilltopper will be better equipped to fix your relationship with MIL in any way you both see fit.
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Oh, there's a section in the back of HNHN for parents that deals with In-laws. Check it out. It was very helpful for me and Markos in dealing with his parents (who hate me).
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No. It has gotten a little better since MB, but still continues. And the last lunch I had with her was incredibly uncomfortable because H persuaded me to go spend time with her. Oh Hilltopper, Hilltopper ... gonna have to have a talk with that boy. Grace, stop agreeing to spend time with your MIL just because Hilltopper has pressured you into it. This is not POJA -- take the default and do NOTHING with your MIL until you feel enthusiastic about it. This is to protect you. If you continue to make reluctant agreements, you are going to become (if you haven't already) very resentful of Hilltopper. You may even start blaming Hilltopper for the ways your MIL hurts you. Can I suggest that you not worry about fixing your relationship with your MIL until your marriage is healed? When you are both in love again, you and Hilltopper will be better equipped to fix your relationship with MIL in any way you both see fit. Yep I totally agree with all of this.
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Oh, there's a section in the back of HNHN for parents that deals with In-laws. Check it out. It was very helpful for me and Markos in dealing with his parents (who hate me). Someone had pointed that out somewhere in the thread, I think MNG. Now that we have the book, I will look at that tonight. Yikes on the parents who "hate" you. I would by no means say Mil has even thought about hating me and eventually know things can be resolved, just frustrating.
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By the way Prisca,
You had mentioned Markos doesn't even see his parents anymore. Does that mean your kids too? They are willing to hate you and give up their son and grand kids? Too bad if that is the situation. Boggles my mind.
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Grace, if you have time, would you take a look at this radio show, and see if it describes your situation? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=1073There's a program summary you can click to show. I'm curious if you would say that this describes the problem you are seeing. I am hoping that Hilltopper will listen to that show, or that you will both listen to it together. I found it very helpful.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes, the kids do not see their grandparents anymore, either. They hate me that much. Boggles my mind, too I still hold out hope, though, that things will eventually be resolved. I have no doubt that you and Hilltopper will be able to make the situation with your MIL better. But, like I said, it will be a LOT easier when your marriage is repaired! There's also a chapter in Lovebusters that deals with inlaws ... Chapter 9.
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Grace, if you have time, would you take a look at this radio show, and see if it describes your situation? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=1073There's a program summary you can click to show. I'm curious if you would say that this describes the problem you are seeing. I am hoping that Hilltopper will listen to that show, or that you will both listen to it together. I found it very helpful. I just listened to that program summary and I find it pretty interesting with the whole POJA thing. It doesn't really describe my situation. I have a great relationship with my Father in law. My in laws are gracious and do not use unkind words with me. The biggest LB my Mil uses is dishonesty (as in feelings) and the guilt trip (both H and I agree on this).
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Now, since it will seem to Hilltopper that you are the one benefiting from the "do nothing default of POJA," it is up to you to be sure that you are actively negotiating this with him. Hey, Grace, are you doing this?
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Now, since it will seem to Hilltopper that you are the one benefiting from the "do nothing default of POJA," it is up to you to be sure that you are actively negotiating this with him. Hey, Grace, are you doing this? Oh Prisca, Let's not beat around the bush. If you ask me directly what you are specifically referring to I can give you a direct answer as to whether it was POJA. We are actively trying, but it's not always perfect. So your specific question for me is?
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Now, since it will seem to Hilltopper that you are the one benefiting from the "do nothing default of POJA," it is up to you to be sure that you are actively negotiating this with him. Hey, Grace, are you doing this? Oh Prisca, Let's not beat around the bush. If you ask me directly what you are specifically referring to I can give you a direct answer as to whether it was POJA. We are actively trying, but it's not always perfect. So your specific question for me is? When have I ever beat around the bush with you?  I asked what I meant -- Since it will appear to Hilltopper that you are the one benefiting from the "do nothing default of POJA," it is up to you to be sure that you are actively negotiating this with him. Are you actively negotiating with him? Are you researching options? Are you presenting ideas? Are you taking part in this, or letting him do all the work? Are you actively negotiating?
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