I love that line fred about just keep going. It reminds me also of what a Pastor was teaching once. He said it was not our job to defeat Satan, and many of us make that mistake, he is a powerful angel and knows the earth and how things work, and even the bible better than any Pastor/Teacher. we are no match for him head to head.

We are to ignore him and the snares and trappings he sets out to pull us in with our ego and vanity. God has allready defeated Satan and he is like a little madman squirming for attention as he plays on our emotions, twisting the blame on God and seeking sympathy so we will be drawn in..

So yeah Fred when you happen to make a wrong turn in life and end up in hell, don't go sightseeing or buy the "maps to the stars". Just thank God you had enough spirtual gas in your tank to keep going and get back on the highway.

Wow...what great support you all were to me today. THANK YOU. ALL of you.

It's been a difficult day, but as C.P. pointed out, it'll swing in the other direction. Reading what you all shared with me today has helped. I am so grateful for the support.

I had a chance to read the posts again when I got home, and was able to cry some. All the posts were heartfelt and amazing, and pulled from your deepest places. C.P.'s "just you" started the waterworks. For me, that's a great thing. When I get as depressed as I did last night and earlier today, I can't feel anything but pain that's stuck inside me and won't move, and I can't cry. Some of these posts touched me so deeply that I was able to feel and cry, and I feel better now. It helped to release some of the pain that was bottled up and crippling me.

Now, I'm emotionally exhausted, and I want to just go lie down and sleep for a week, and heal a little. I will rest a little better knowing other people still value the important things in life, and that I'm able to connect with those people on a deep level.

The air conditioner was fixed today for $80 and the house feels good now. What a relief. STBX said he'd pay for it. We also had a few thunderstorms just a bit ago. It was a soothing rain on a scorching hot day, just like your posts were to me and my soul. Minute by minute I am feeling love and peace wash over me. I feel I can rest.

There was so much great stuff written here today. I wished I had the energy to respond right now. I hope others who are in the same place as I, find some healing with those words as well.

I am crying again because I feel so incredibly blessed at this moment from all the love and encouraging words. In this lifetime, I'd love to meet each and everyone one of you.

I'm enternally grateful.

If there is a God, I want to thank him.

Ah T storms on a screaming hot day. Laying in the rain and thanking providence fot it. Go get sleep and rest I am glad your doing better.

Gnite

Glad you are feeling a little better!

Thank you S.O., you will too. Just get through today how ever you need to.

Ah, the nap was awesome. Could still here the rain drops falling off the branches. Wanted to check in on S.O., and am headed to bed. Still tired.

Thanks for checking in on me C.P. Goodnight.

Journey your post made me sad for you. Was so glad to read to the end and see that the nap and the rain helped your mood.

Your posts make me remember my own dark days when I swear if it was not for my ds who needs a mother I would not have cared if I lived or died.I don't know how a person could do to another what my now X did to me and our son.

Don't know if you have followed my story but my turning point was last summer-mid August. I and my son had moved out of the marital home--into a new MUCH smaller house. I felt insane. I felt as if I could drive my car into a tree and kill myself. I felt as if I could take a hammer and smash my XH and OW in the head. So as I was driving to the bank under protest to tend to some business for my XH I looked over at my ds10 in the passenger seat. I thought, 'I have got to get control of myself and my emotions or this is going to end very very badly.' So I began to pray. I prayed hard for the next 15 minutes as I drove down the highway. I prayed, 'Please God help me to not kill someone. Help me to not care about XH and OW and what they have done to me and my child. Please please help me to regain my joy, to appreciate the good in my life, especially this child next to me who needs a sane parent.' I prayed on and on that way for 15 minutes. At the very end of my prayer I said, 'and if it takes a brother (in Christ) to help me get over this then please, send him to me.'

I then said Amen. A peace I had not felt in a year and half came over me. I felt the rage and resentment wash off me like water off a ducks back. I tended to the business at the bank and I went home. As soon as I walked in I saw an email from my dear friend. She chit chatted about her children and mutual friends. Then at the end of the email she said, 'dh talked to J yesterday. He wants to meet you.'



I literally raised my eyes heaven ward and said, 'wow. That was fast.'



That was 10 months ago. We've been married for 8 months. I cannot believe how happy I am. This is what they talk about when they say the dark days will pass. When I compare how I felt on that day to how I feel now....unbelievable.

Is a new man always the answer? No. I do not believe that. I do believe that we can all get through the dark days. I do believe the gloom will lift and the bad memories will fade.

That is my wish for you.

(((Journey)))

Don't worry about the "if." Just say thanks and know that God will hear.

MJ, have you ever read the story of Joseph in the Bible? I sometimes think of my life as similar to his. He was abused and left for dead by his brothers. He became a slave and ended up being abused by his owners wife and left to rot in prison for over 10 years. In the end, there was a purpose for it all. Joseph was moved, as a result of his circumstances, into a position to save millions of lives. In fact, when he finally forgave his brothers, he told them "what you intended for my harm, God intended for my good and to save others lives (my paraphrase)".

Whether you ultimately believe God or not, we both have a fork in the road ahead of us. I am choosing the one that leads to forgiveness and healing.... I believe that the reason Joseph was able to come back into a relationship with his brothers is because he now had the position of power. They could no longer abuse him. Only time and God's help can get us there. I do not want to end up a shriveled up, bitter, old woman who never trusts her heart to people again. I want to live, laugh, and love!

Going to have to come back later and make my replies. Since I've been off work, I've been typing my Interrogaties, which are due in my attorney's office tomorrow! Oh what fun.

Since I didn't feel like doing ANY of it before, I am cramming it all into one evening. I have plenty of experience with cramming at the last minute in college.....

I don't know about the rest of you, but I loathe putting all this information together. I think my trouble is that I don't feel passionately about this divorce, so I don't want to work at it. If I felt passionate about it, or even wanted it, I'd be working a lot harder at it.

Actually, since my husband is in a P/A, after we already had a d-year 4 yrs ago....I do want this divorce. I just hate every piece of the domino effect, and how painful it all is.

Im sorry you have to do this, I just signed the papers at 25 when my first wife wanted the divorce so she could remarry her new jewelry making, gold panning, studing to be a para-legal second husband, (Guess what that didn't work out either because she had to work to support everything). So I don't know the details of divorce issues. But I do know how difficult it is to handle the details of my late wifes loss of her life, after the years of added pain from her mental/emotional illness that left me feeling so lost and wounded. I imagine they are a lot the same, because our relationship never really recovered before she got really sick. Then she was gone forever.

You don't have to reply to me MJ you have enough on your plate right now. Peace girl and muddle through it the best you can.

Well, it's 10:00pm here, and I just arrived home. I'm tired. Had my appt with the paralegal after work to turn in more discovery docs and the interrogatories, then went to dinner and a movie with a gf of mine.

The paralegal told me there had been no movement on the dark side, so I asked her to to keep it moving forward on my side. I think the first hearing will be sometime near the end of July. Feels like molasses to me already and the process just started. I guess I am where I am for a reason.

Man, I wish I could talk about what I wanted to on here. There's so much I'm having to leave out! I still want to come back later and catch up with the replies. Little tired right now, and I need to do a load of laundry and hang out with my son for a bit before I crash. Tomorrow night I'll be hanging out with about 20 girls from an old C.O.R.E. group of mine. Six of those women know my life story, and I know theirs, so it'll be good to catch up with all of them. So...not sure when I'll get back on here.

I appreciate all the support. C.P., My stbx had a rare cancer that was removed back in 2004. I've wondered recently if his cancer has come back, but he wouldn't share that information with me. I found that cruel. Whatever. Anyway, I've often wondered what it would be like for stbx to die, without ever owning up, and apologizing for his abhorrent behavior. I will be very hurt if it played out like that. So, I can't imagine what you feel like having lived it. I worry because everything I have dreaded in the past, and had gut feelings about, have come true.

On a lighter side, today was a little bettter than yesterday. The stress of having the docs ready for my atty are over, and the anniversary is past me. Also, my son sent me this earlier today that he made up, and it cracked me up......

MyJourney's maiden name here 2011-HAPPY FUTURE


Age- I object! Irrelevance! Judge: Sustained.
Gene Quality- Excellent- Thanks Grandma!!
Offspring- Really ridiculously good looking
Job- unreasonably perfect
Baggage- reduced 90% as of now
Assets- Super model status, College degree
Liabilities- prolonged misery from [censored]-semi moist laptops(jk)
objective- pressure wash the [censored] out of memory database
Hobbies- Thinking about playing with future baby at the park


Net worth- The world to those closest to you!


All donations to the personal realization funds can or may be forged payable to MyJourney's son.


The end. That's my boy. Did I tell you he has no respect for his stbx step dad? Sad really, but I couldn't help but laugh. Is that bad?

Regarding stbx leaving this world before he apologizes to me....I feel good knowing I apologized to him, when he left, for my part. I also feel good knowing I spent tons of time forgiving him...which can be a daily occurance sometimes.

BTW....my gf offered to be in intermediary for me tonight. I'm going to talk to her soon about seriously taking that on. It's hard not to throw the dagger back that someone is stabbing you with, and I've done that a few times in the last month since stbx started his latest affair. So an IM would be really good for me, like yesterday. Or I'll be making more apologies, possibly.

Glad today is better than yesterday

Yes sounds like your son is awesome

Get an IM I agree

Many waywards go and never repent to the spouse they leave behind. It very cruel but it helps to remember that they just don't have the capacity mentally/emotionally to own up, so that makes it easier to forgive them.

Yeah I accually was there for my FWWs death, and she was still messed up, but I knew she was also and it was not the first time she had hung me out to dry, so I was able to deal with it for the sake of common decency to a very sick and messed up person who was dieing. If she had died on the streets, or at the house of an OM, which were the only other options she had left except a homeless shelter, it would have been tons worse for me and the children all around. She knew I loved her, and it comforted everybody that she passed at home. All her family and friends were able to come and see her and she went out with much Honor. At one time she was a heck of a woman.

So I can understand how you feel, you will allways have a spot in your heart for the man XWH used to be.

But life is for living and you must move on without the sickness of others pulling you down. Whether he is sick or not, you must not bend to the temptation to allow him to get away with abuse. If he was in his right mind he would thank you for not allowing it.

Have a great day at work tommorow.
Thanks for the update.

Good for you for getting the IM. I hope you have an awesome time with your friends- you so deserve it! Chin up my friend.

Thanks HV. I did have an amazing time tonight. It's after midnight here, and I have to work in the morning. The house we all met at was on the river with large oak trees, an amazing house and pool that could be in a magazine, and the fellowship with these women was incredibly healing and uplifting. I am so glad I went. I saw one friend I hadn't seen in a year, and made some new ones.

One of these days I want to share what that group is about. Those women have been a huge part of my healing over the last year. The group is the brainchild of a couple who went through infidelity and survived. It's all about healing your ideas of brokeness, with some pretty cool people.

C.P., I have a lot of respect for the way you handled your wife's death. It was very loving, imo. And I'm glad she was able to let you do that for her. I hate that her life ended early, but I'm glad you were able to be there for her.

I think I'm going to spend some time at the lake with my brother and his family some this weekend. They're renting some cabins a few hours away. He bought a new party boat. This is the same brother that built me a life size playhouse in the back yard for me when I was about 8.

If I don't get whisked away with some other plans tomorrow, I'm going to spend the evening cleaning and packing a bag for the weekend, and hopefully catch up on some posts around here.

Good night all.

Thanks MJ.

Sounds like its gonna be fun at your brothers, and its good news you met up with your friends and had good times.

Again thanks for the compliment about how I handled my wifes death, but it should be clear because this board is about real love and relationships that I was definetly in to deep and to much "in love" for either of our good for years prior to her her relapse which started the snowball rolling to her death. By the time she was sick I was a shell of the man I used to be or respected.

She just had this "rebound" clause that she abused to such and extent that it ran out. She believed she could continuesly screw up and over people and her family and bounce back to the same place. Of course we all tried, esspeccially at the end, but it was based on some fantasy and in the end it caught up to her. Pretending the damage wasn't done or not there was just not powerful enough mojo.

So thats why I'm here I think. Beyond the healing factor for myself there is the "Recovery that almost was" back in 1989. WE didn't know about MB, but my wife did a plan A and I came back. So many of the principles here were respected about marriage but if we had done what Harley says about addiction issues we would have been able to avoid those nasty pitfalls. There were years with much hope and happiness, but the addiction problems were allowed to slide off with her emotional issues until they blew up again.

So mostly I hope I can help those to adhere to Harleys principles which I can tell by hearing them are based on reality, because we were so close to having the best marriage on earth. I would like to encourage people to devote thier energy to recovery to the principles laid out to the T, because to be so close and lose it has been very painful. False or weak recoverys can be avoided and I want to help anybody out here to avoid them if I can.

Gotta take the good with the bad, and unfortunatly personal wisdom is born of pain, but the pain doesn't last forever, it just feels like it will.

You sound good by the way and I know there will be times of sorrow but keep going out and doing things to distract yourself like you are so you will get perspective. Misery loves company lets not give it any and maybe it will go somewhere else huh?

Can my husband be SO completely out of touch with reality that he actually believes that God is blessing him while he is sinning against God? Or am I so out of touch with God, and his word, that I am the one "not getting it" and how God works.

He has made some comments about being blessed, something he needed when he needed it came to him, and he gave God the credit. I'm left wondering if my husband is delusional, or does God really give peace and blessings to those who sin against him?

I suppose maybe God does. I've sinned, maybe not to the destructive levels of my stbx, but we all fall short.

I guess I am having a difficult time trying to figure out why stbx seems to appear blissfully happy, content, in love, and blessed while sinning against God, and his bride......while here I am, trying not to sin, trying to have faith when I feel destroyed, miserable and lost on too many days.

What gives?