Didn't you know God wants him to be happy? No matter what he does!

/sarcasm

This is pretty common with waywards. More London fog. Just ignore it.

I am 99.9% positive my stbx does believe what you said. His actions and comments support that theory.

But, he does seem happy and content. I'm suffering.

What is WS doing to be blessed and I'm not? It's funny because apparently WS still believes in God by his comments, and I have been questioning God due to all the hurtful things I've had to endure at stbx's hands, and other's hands as well.

Maybe my questioning God's existence has me in this place. But even when I wholeheartedly believed in God, bad things were happening to me.

If you believe in God and what he is/does/stands for, you don't behave like a WS.

That is like saying you are a vegan and eating burgers every day.

Now, if you want to PRETEND like you believe in God, he's going about it the right way.

I'm pretty sure he believes in a God that is not punishing. I do. Who has the faulty thinking?

I hope Aussieswife doesn't mind, but I borrowed part of her post from this thread....

Triggers for the FWW/FWH - guilt & shame




And fortunately, Dr. Harley responded to that thread with this......



Another thing Aussieswife said in her original post on that thread was this....



I feel for Assuieswife because she is truly a FWW and is trying. I can see how when you are remorseful, you may still be triggered and feel hurt by what you did. That to me, is normal and healthy. It shows she has a heart.

In the case of my stbx, I know he felt a ton of guilt and shame, but lacked in true remorse by his actions. I think his own abhorrent behavior, and seeing the pain it was causing me, kept him in that shame state, and it was of his own doing inside of himself for a lot of that. If only he would have followed the advice of Dr. Harley above, which stbx was fully knowledgeable of.

My stbx didn't offer up the just compensation that Harley speaks about, so I continued to tell my stbx (while in our half azz recovery) that I needed the just compensation to heal, and to have a great marriage to him. When he'd go back on the just compensation he promised me, I'd be hurt and angry, bring up his affairs and why I needed it, sometimes even shaming him, and I'd also want to withdraw from the man who I felt was unsafe.

According to Dr. Harley in the above quote, he doesn't hold out much hope for couples whose WS doesn't feel guilt, because just compensation won't be made. He said guilt was a "normal" reaction to inflicting this kind of pain on someone.

I think that my stbx at one time had felt so overwhelmed by guilt, that he worked very hard to get rid of those thoughts and feelings, through his thinking, and not through making just compensation. I know he read books on the subject, and we've had coversations to this effect. He wanted to relieve his guilt and shame, without making the amends.

It's no wonder our recovery failed, because just compensation only happended in fits and starts, and broken commitments. I knew why the recovery was failing all along. Stbx tried to blame the failure on my faults. It's just validating to hear Dr. Harley sum it up so nicely.

I think stbx's guilt and shame was another reason he distanced himself from me. I reminded him of what he was capable of. The effects of his selfishnes tore through my body. He couldn't escape the consequences, without leaving me. I remember when I was crying one night, a few weeks after my mother died, because I couldn't feel any sensation (at the time) in my chest. I thought maybe it could have been another side effect of the hysterectomy I had to have just a few months earlier. When I wanted to lean on stbx for support in that, he BLEW up and started a fight. He told me then he wanted a divorce.

He had just always wanted to escape from the consequences, and couldn't because for some reason, he couldn't do, or stick with just compensation.

Interesting.

Sorry guys....rambling. I've been in a low vibe all day feeling pain from all of this. Needed to get out a lot of what was hurting me, and confusing me.

MJ What God is he talking about? As far as I know there can be many variations of behaviors and we bring our own version of God into it when we get excited. I am sure that he is just wacked out on his own mindset and dopamine as he is letting down all the boundaries, calling it God. Pay no attention to it its all crazy.

How come you are even talking to him? Can you get an IM to deal with any issues now? He sounds like one of those people who must "insist!" that they are right and on top and everyone else are losers. Wow I would hate to have that God, sounds like a [censored].

You know what is right and don't let his bullcrap bother you. Of course you will feel terrible because of the loss, to pretend you are happy when there is nothing to be happy about after he has stomped all over your heart is just sick.. I am glad you are away from him..now that you can say that you are blessed in, but God knows there will be a time of sorrow. Thats the God I know.

Oh and yes he is that out of touch with reality...

Hang loose

MJ all this "I cant stop myself because I am guilty and you make me feel guilty" was the twist my wife used about everybody who made her tow the line. It will be some time if/when your WH realizes it isn't working on you anymore..o you think he will stop manipulating you just because your divorced? He would cheat on his new GF to sleep with you if he could get away with it I'll bet.

Im guessing does WH have a history of other addictive behaviors? Did he come into your life with some fantastic story about unfair life was to him, and how surprised he was because he was innocent?

Read this about Borderline Personality Disorders..there are ones with men also..

Borderline Males Dr Sherry Shrieber

Take two asprin and post me in the morning Lol..

The guy is nuts trust me I have met a lot of them.. He is just messing with you and trying to look like he is happy.. Problem is,,he just might stop being able to tell the truth from reality someday, and believe his own crap... You don't wanna be around when that happens..

See MJ crazy people are not stupid people, so smart people can still be crazy.

I have seen people bold faced lie with such conviction,(or is it fear that they would be found out?) that you would swear they were telling the truth.

My wife was at times that sort of person and I used to be able to call her on it a long time ago...a....long....time...ago.

She would come back to earth just as far as she had to but no further, because escaping was her way of dealing with everything.

I am not on a lateW bashing spree now, or your WH either, but it is obvious he is not up to the task of being real.

Let God handle him, reguardless of what he claims, God will have his way with him, and it will be real.

MJ-

I've been struggling with alot of what you are saying here. And I think what you are saying about just compensations, EP, meeting needs is all true. My STXWH worked his tail off about a year... then he slowly declined... looking back it was a shift of I've done all this- how come your not healed... oh there were many reasons- his OW contacting him every 6 months ripped the scab off and I had to re-heal... which meant he had to work...

Ya know what I've had to decide is there was only one of us willing to do EVERYTHING it took to have a better M. Only one, the other- like your STXWH- IMHO, is like mine... he didn't want to do the work he knew he needed to do...mine knew exactly what I needed, and he would not do it... he wanted to eat with a female co-worker... bottom line- it made me feel unsafe and he didn't care bc "he didn't want to hurt her feelings." SELFISHNESS!!! plan and simple. He didn't care that it hurt me.

it is easier- in their eyes- to walk away and start new.

And that thing "I'm guilty and your making me feel guilty." is BS... my answer was stop doing the hurtful acts then you will not need to feel the guilt... to me that is blame shifting.

Regarding us, you and I hurting so, while our other halfs are out happy as little larks, I had a friend tell me this. We are hurting and surrounded by people who feel for us, love us and want to help and support us... them they have NO ONE... NO ONE calling saying how are you feeling today bc YOU WALKED OUT... so they have to do things to make themselves happy... for mine it is laughing, joking, and talking about how great life is 4 days after he walked out- to his family, in front of the kids. While I biting my lip so hard it was probably bleeding...

they have no one who feels for them... honestly I prefer my sad side- being surrounded by love and support. Just saying!

hang tough girl!

MJ, what you are saying reminds me of some of the Psalms. David lamented why his enemies seemed to prosper when he was left suffering. The answer is that whatever "happiness" he is having will be short lived. In the end, he will have to pay the consequences for his actions. Prosperity is not always a sign of God's favor. In fact, the Bible teaches us that when someone continues sinning, there are times that it can end up being a judgement from God. His house of cards WILL fall one day.

You just need to worry about you, and that's something that I have to work on every day myself. No matter how 'happy' they seem, it's an illusion.

Hola. I want you guys to to know that after I typed all those posts today, my son asked me to go house hunting with him. I jumped at the chance and was out of the house in 2 minutes. Afterwards, we had BBQ and watched an Anniston and Sandler movie, "Just Go With It". I found it hilarious, and it was the second time I had seen it. Sandler can be great for what ails ya.


I was relieved to have the diversion (pendulum still off) and enjoyed the evening feeling lighter after dumping all of that here. While out driving, I used my android to see what you all had written from your experiences, and was feeling less and less confused. Confusion, that's what gaslighting will do for you.

If I'm not mistaken, according to the Bible, Satan is the author of confusion. I can see now just how important it is that I stay away from learning anything more about stbx, or communicate with him. I figure as long as I'm in the presence of evil, I will continue to be in spiritual warfare, while defending my sanity. It doesn't have to be my fight anymore. I think I know all I need to know, and feel a whole lot better about letting it go. I don't beat myself up as much anymore either. I can rest knowing I've been learning what I needed to take away from all of this, and I even feel safer about my future because I feel more grounded in myself again. I am still healing with the distance, and although news of him sets me back, it all propels me forward at the same time.

I know that distance from a wayward is paramount for recovery, but my morbid curiosity wanted to know what was going on in stbx's life. I needed to see it, hear it, and feel it. I needed to absorb this reality, and see it with my own eyes to stay out of the denial stage. I didn't need to protect what little love I had left for the WS. I needed to protect me, and I thought I was doing that by finding out about him.

C.P.,

Finding out things about stbx has hurt me, but I think I needed to do it so I would no longer romanticize our relationship, or him.



Honestly C.P., stbx has gaslighted me so much, I've really needed to bounce this stuff of you guys, my friends, family, and counselors just to check myself. I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate the reality checks and diaglogs with all of you.



Ya know, I was just thinking about this earlier today on my way home from work, along with all the other stuff I dumped here earlier.

I sometimes have felt that if I ever ran into stbx, that I would want to look fabulous, feel confident and glowing, blissfully happy, and at peace. But I realized today that wouldn't be the genuine me at this point in my life. Well, not most of it, most of the time. I do have periods where I do feel these things though, and they are genuine, and not a show.

Now, I honestly could care less if he saw me with a tear stained face at this point, or not perfectly physically fit because I've not had the energy to work out several times a week. I am real, I am in a normal stage of grief. I mean, my goodness, going through a divorce with a serial cheater is not exactly the best of times is it?



Me too C.P. It is a blessing in disguise. It's taken me awhile to see that even though I knew in my heart all along that being away from him was the only way I was ever going to heal. I just kept holding out hope, until the hope was gone.

Thanks for being here C.P.

I think I'll take two aspirins and continue to post in the morning.

I appreciate everyone's input. It's almost 1:00 am and Im spent. See you in the morning.

I'm glad you had a good night with your son. Our kids can be such a blessing.

As I read your post I can relate so much to you and your feelings. I want you to know that as I see you grow and have happy times and the not so happy ones, you are encouraging to me. I feel like there is MJ in the same crappy boat as me and look at her go. I too can fix my crappy boat and be better than new. And I know it's hard to fix a crappy boat- there are lots of new things to learn, we can do it, right?

Good morning peeps,

I had the whole morning yesterday to post, and was excited to finally be able to catch up and then I couldn't get on MB. That was a drag. I had one post typed up and saved it so I'm going to go ahead and post it. I'm at the lake with my bro, and am having a great time. Be back later.


Goooood Morrrrnnnniiiiinnnngggg MB!

Wow, I did some serious sleeping in this morning. I've had one cup of coffee, started one load of clothes, and it's nearly noon here already...lol...I feel energerized.

I am feeling pretty good this morning. I attribute that to feeling more grounded, and less disoriented. It all goes back to what I was saying yesterday about confusion. I have spent enormous amounts of time and energy trying to make sense out of the senseless, and overly blaming myself in the process. Stbx may have twisted everything that is right, wrong, good, moral, immoral, and even his values around to suit his immaturity and selfishness, but I think I can stop victimizing myself with it now.

Awhile back, stbx was asked to list his core values. I can assure you he is not living in line with what he stated at the time. I believe he has once again used cognitive dissonance to have his values shift to match his current actions. And ungrounded me, let myself get sucked into his twisted thinking, wondering if my values were skewed, thus becoming disoriented within myself. Not anymore. I think my values are solid. I believe in wrong, right, moral, immoral, because it MAKES SENSE to me. Just like the MB principals on surviving an affair(s).

Stbx can twist in the wind. I'm anchoring myself to my values, and what I understand God wants from us, and am feeling more grounded in myself. I can build from here.



Thanks HV. Yes, my children have been a huge blessing to me. They are what kept me in the game. They are watching my progress closely, and shower me with love. We help each other, because they've been affected by all of this as well.



Wow, it feels great to me that my story is helping you in any way. I can say the same about you. I am proud of us for sticking to our values, and pulling ourselves away from disrepect and twisted logic with our boundaries, even while in the midst of turmoil.



Absofreakinlutely. I think we just need to anchor ourselves in the storm, while planning our next destination. Once the storms calms, our ships will be sailing.

I'm heartbroken.

My daughter called me at work this morning, after returning from her Dr.'s appt. She lost the baby. I cried with her, then came home and have cried some more. I want to go to her, but at this time, just wants to be alone with her husband, which I understand completely. On top of losing the baby, we have to check to see if the tissues growing in the womb are cancerous. She's having surgery Wednesday afternoon.

I feel numb again. I wished my wayward husband wasn't wayward and he was here to comfort me. I let him know in a voicemail. He sent me an e-mail thanking me for letting him know, but of course nothing comforting was said. No asking how I was. Hopefully, he'll reach out to my daughter in some way.

Please pray for my daughter and her husband. They're hurting pretty bad. So am I.

I've been reading up on Molar pregnancy, which is what my daughter had. I also think it's a partial molar pregnancy. I read that there's only a 5% chance of cancer, and that there is a 50% to 80% chance she could have another baby. So, I feel better knowing the odds are in her favor.

My son is on his way to drop off a NICE arrangement of flowers and food for them. I've been talking to her on and off all day. I'm glad I'm here for her.

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) for you and your daughter and family, my thoughts and prayers are there with you.

Thanks NSZ.

I'm REALLY, REALLY tired of the grieving process.

Oh, I'm so sorry for you and your family. ((((MJ))) I wish I could sit with you right now and be that friend you need. I understand wanting that from WS. I think as much as it would help for the moment, in a couple weeks it would bring you more pain. (remind me of that, when I need to hear it okay?) Remember WS is not your friend, just like my Jack Wagon is not my friend. They are friends to themselves. They seem to only know how to care for themselves. Please don't set yourself up for pain down the road.

You got a close girlfriend that you can call?

Thanks HF. Yes, I have some close friends I can call. I've been talking to family on and off all day. They've been supportive. I'll probably call friends tomorrow.

No chance of comfort from WS, so no chance of more pain later. He probably would feel like he's cheating on his adultery partner with his wife if he did.

Yes, HF, I wished that we were neighbors. I'd love to sit with you, have some ice tea, and chat with you for hours.

Thanks for the support.

Allow me to add my condolences and prayers.

This is so very tragic.