Let's HOPE it's his second language b/c if it's his primary language, he's possibly going to get served D papers if he keeps his stunts going like he is.

Wow. I swear I have heard justifications and stupidity for cheating, and this guys' reasons (for "performance issues") is almost as craptastic as Darth's idiot remarks were to me.

thank u all for your comments.
i think i am just thinking abt myself & not abt my wife & her feelings at all here. We want save our marriage & my wife has been extremely supportive through out. I love my family a lot but friends have played a very important role in my life since my dad passed away in 2006.

i am from mumbai ,India. English is not my second language.
Yes this happened for real.

If you want to save your marriage, then stop thinking about yourself.

What is more important, your marriage or your friendship? You cannot be friends with your affair partner and have a marriage with your wife.

No contact with your affair partner is the first step before you can recover your marriage.

After having an affair with my wife's close friend & getting caught 2 months back as mentioned in the original post there is no contact with OW on the phone or meeting her alone. I confessed everything to my wife 15days back as mentioned, & she has been extremely understanding throughout & is willing to work on our marriage & move ahead in life. the problem is
1)we all are in the same group (5 couples) & I fear losing all our other friends if me & my wife stop going out just to avoid meeting her. We all friends are on Black berry messenger group & its impossible to avoid her. OW feels feelings will die down with time so be patient.wht should we do? how can I stop thinking of her & be in the same group of friends. is it possible?

2)When we all are out in a group for dinners or movies i go into my shell & become extremely quiet which is not my personality. i want myself back but how ?

3)i have constant questions coming in my mind that how can OW be normal around me & hide her feelings or she has been a [censored] & used me. HOw can change my thinking.

i don't wanna hurt my wife any longer & really want to work on our relationship but many a times i feel very sad at work & cry a lot as i miss that OW who was part of my daily routine.
Because of all this i have lost my self confidence & my wife & I are going through emotional stress & on the other hand the OW is perfect & enjoying her life with our friends as her husband doesn't know anything accept for the fact that me & her don't talk & ignore each other when we meet.

I feel very angry whenever she is around as i see my friends drifting away from me.
How do i resolve this issue & save my marriage & keep our friends also (friendship since 10years)

i know i have done a big blunder & made my wife's life a mess but i can't afford her to loose all her friends also because of my stupidity.
my wife is of the opinion that you should be normal around everyone & doesn't want the OW's husband to know anything as it will ruin her marriage.
Should i confess my true feelings of sadness & crying at work to my wife as i haven't mentioned this to her as i feel she will be extremely hurt that how can the OW affect me so much.

Harry - you are guaranteed to fail here.

The following are non-negotiable

NC with OW for LIFE - whatever it takes
OW'H MUST be told.

You must choose your friends or your marriage - it's really that simple.

You made your choices and if your friends do not want to continue their friendship with you, that is your responsibility and something you are just going to have to deal with. If they choose OW over you, then that is their choice.

You should expose to OW's husband, it's not fair to him to not know that his wife has been cheating and dishonest with him.

You seemed more concerned about what OW is doing, thinking and feeling instead of your wife's. Who is more important to you ?What is more important to you?

You are complaining about your emotional stress and lack of confidence. What about your wife's? Can you even imagine how she feels that you went outside of the marriage? I cannot say that I understand, but I am aware that it is nothing comparable to what you are feeling.

If you do not want to hurt your wife. Tell your circle of friends what you did and let them make the decision about the friendship. End all contact with the OW and remove her from all your contact lists, blackberry, email, etc.

Nothing is impossible to do if you want to do it. Sure it is difficult but does not mean it cannot be done. You have to take responsibility for your own actions and clean up your own mess.

Harry, please stay on one thread. It makes it a lot easier for folks to help you and follow your situation.


Then go forward with your BW. The justifications you posted after this statement are ridiculous. You are still in the fog and don't realize what a blessing you have - a BS who is forgiving and understanding and values your M, like you so obviously did/do not.

nuh-uh. The things you listed are not problems. They are justifications.

No, it is not possible. NC with OW MEANS NC with OW. FOR LIFE, Harry. You run with the same crowd - you should expose your own A to all these friends so they can watch their own spouses with you and the OW. You can find new friends. Besides, right now you and your BW need UA time - that means time as a couple to fill each others' ENs, devoting your attention to her and not your friends.

OK, #1, do not include the OW/OWH in your group. #2, suck it up. "I want myself back" is fogbabble. There's a post on here about "finding yourself" - I'll look for a link. You think you are "lost" now - but wait until the full reality of what you did sinks in and then come back and talk to me about feeling depressed and withdrawn. Think about this: were you really "you" around the OW? Don't answer that right now. Mull that one over in your head for a while.

The last thing you should be worrying about is what the OW thinks. Yes, she used you. I used the OM I had an A with. When you are a WS, you are rotten to the core. That includes you, me, the OW, any WS while they are an active WS. OW doesn't love you. Oh, you may have thought that, thought the two of you had some "speshul" star-crossed love, but it was all lies you fed each other.


I had a LOT of anger towards the OM in my sitch as well. To this day I have no idea if OMW knows - my H never exposed, but I sent her an email. As far as I know, OM's life is going just grand, and my BH has moved out and says he wants a D. But you know what that anger was doing? Robbing me of precious energy and time. Every time I nursed the anger at the OM, I was giving him space, rent-free, in my head. So I sat down one day and I wrote a letter to OM. Got all that anger and bitterness out on a piece of paper. In that letter I said I was done with giving him space in my head. I took that letter out into the yard and I burned it. I'll leave OM to God, or fate, or karma, or whatever, but he is out of my hands.



You have no room to sit and feel sorry for yourself b/c you miss the POSOW. You have a BW who wants to restore your M. Get to work.