From the False Recovery thread, written by Mark:


Your required attitude adjustment for today is:

Develop your Give and Receive and throw away your Give and Take.

Some RH between me and you.
I am weary with and pretty much over and done with the "maybe I deserve to be treated like crap" line you toss out every now and then.

How about you stop saying this? Now?

It is a distraction.
It is unappreciated.
It serves no purpose.
And, quite honestly, it's just a load of crap.
So, stop doing it.

I'm sorry, Pep...you are right. My mother said much the same thing to me this morning. I just feel like crap so much of the time. But in essence all I am doing is more whining and complaining and I need to knock it off.

Re: LB-ing and honesty - I went back and reviewed my notes from my sessions w/JC last fall. I'd written down something to the effect of "Telling H about his LB-ing behavior - not yet - he must be on board with MB first. However I do have a responsibility to be honest. Judgement call." And we specifically talked about being honest with my feelings, she felt like the O&H that H really wanted was not about the A as much as it was my feelings.

H4U is right. What's the worst that could happen?

I know what I need to do. I just need to do it. I'm on vacation w/the girls next week so it is probably as good a time as any to take a break from my pity party.

LOL... Yeah it was a lot of reading. Actually, I tried reading your H's posts in his thread alongside yours. Epic is a good description!

As to the other stuff, I think pepper is spot on here.

Well, I did cry in front of him tonight, but it had nothing to do with our relationship. Had 2 dr's appointments today. First was for the ovarian cyst, which is unchanged and the dr feels confident it is benign. Doesn't want to do surgery b/c of the risk of losing the remaining ovary, so just going to keep following up via u/s unless it starts causing pain. So so far, so good on that one.

Second was my regular eye exam. On examination the doc found a "bump" on my iris. Apparently these things are caused by masses (cysts or tumors) under the iris. I don't know, it was kind of a blur after he mentioned "iris melanoma." Going to have my eyes dilated on Friday so he can see if he can get a better idea what is going on, and then probably a specialist from there. Or maybe it's nothing and I am freaking out for no reason. Anyway I told H about it just a little while ago while he was here at the house (hence the crying, I am now freaking out about eye cancer), and absolutely no reaction. He just got up and walked in the house and left pretty quick after that.

What should I have done? I guess the RH thing to have done would have been to just flat-out ask him to hold me...then at least he would have known what I needed from him.

D@mmit. I can't deal with something else right now. WTH is wrong with my body, in the last couple of years this is the third wierd growth I have had. I'm like a pinata.

i would email him and just state that you wished he had held you that you were upset..........
leave it at that, now on to you, I have been dealing with a lot of health issues for a couple of years.....don't borrow trouble, don't panic, it's my experience that they are over cautious and that is good but not for the panic factor..........
take the attitude that you are strong and nothing is going to rattle you and that life is going to give you a good shot in the ribs this time..............
God is with you all the time.....lean on him in the next little while......he won't let you down...........
hugs.....jessi

Hang in there! Keeping you in my thoughts.

Eat right, be active, and enjoy life. Only so much you can control.

Be as open and honest as you can with your H. That is all you can do. Yes, it does suck because it is opening ourselves to get hurt but someone has to do it and it does not sound like your H is willing/wanting to. If you guys make it to recovery (keeping my fingers crossed and seeing some good signs) then it is good practice...like Dr. Harley says habits take practice before they become natural.

WPG, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and hoping your tests come out showing this is nothing serious.

I know it's scary, but more often than not, these things turn out to be nothing. I had a very suspicious looking mole removed from my back when I was in my late 20's, when my 4 kids were very little. I was scared to death. The doctor thought for sure it was melanoma. I suffered through a very tense week before the tests revealed that the mole was a non-malignant neurofibroma. So hang in there and try not to fear the worst.

And yes, you should be very O&H with your H about what you need right now. He at least deserves a chance to be there for you in the way that you need him to be, and he can't do that if he doesn't know what it is that you need.

WPG thinks (assumes?) this means he does not care.

Pep thinks this means he felt helpless & did not know what to do


Do you two text?
Text him and tell him that when he gets back, you desire his touch to help you calm down.

Use those words "I desire your touch."

Be patient with this man.
He's a work in progress, just as you are.

I agree with Pepper on your BH's reaction.

I include you guys in my prayers every night.

I'm late to the party, WPG, but thinking of you guys and hoping everything goes well w/ the follow-up tests today!

WPG,

So sorry to hear about your health problems. We are no stranger to them. G has had so many over the years... ovarian cysts that cause abdominal pain, FM, now she needs cornea transplants in both eyes (1st one scheduled for July).

Our prayers and thoughts are with you.

Hi, WPG
I sympathize with you and your BH, for I went through nearly the same thing with my FWW over the past 3 years. I haven't read the other responses, so if I repeat something, I apologize.
My FWW had an EA, then a PA for 6 mo. or so in 2008, during a time when I had to be out of town alot for my job. I likewise became a good sleuth, caught her in multiple lies, went through trickle truth, false recoveries and multiple d-days.
The biggest thing your BH needs is time. If he's like me, it will take at least 2 years before he can be less obsessed with the A and not get sick to his stomach every time he thinks about it. Any trickle truth during that period will only reignite his resentment and extend the recovery even longer. There's no way to speed it up, not even with counselling. You just have to be patient with him and continue to assure him you know what a fool you were and that he is the greatest thing to happen to you. Hopefully, with enough time, his resentment and anger will subside and you two can reconnect again.
Good luck

Hi WPG

Just checking to see how you have been doing and if everything is okay over there.

Hey all - things are OK here, for the most part. Took a little break and had a nice vacation. A FAMILY vacation, no less.

H had been around the house quite a bit last week, since it was the girls' last week of school and there was lots of end-of-year stuff going on. He'd said last Thursday that the girls could just stay home for the weekend since he'd been there pretty much every day last week. I asked him if he'd like to spend the weekend w/us and he said "Probably not," but he ended up staying w/us anyway. He picked the girls up from school on Friday since I had another eye appointment and stayed home w/us till Sunday afternoon.

The girls and I left for the mountains Monday - we'd asked him to come along and he'd hemmed and hawed and I had pretty much figured he wouldn't come, and just [mentally] shrugged my shoulders and figured the girls and I would have fun regardless. The girls called him Monday evening and even then I still didn't know if he'd come or not. He started texting me later that night saying he was at work, asking how we get to the place we were staying, and he ended up driving to the mountains, getting in about 3 AM Tuesday morning. We had 2 days together as a family. I told him how glad I was that he was able to come and I tried to do a good job meeting his needs while he was there. He left this morning a little before 5 AM so he could come back and go to work. I haven't heard from him so I'm guessing he's at the stepmom's now.

The mountains are just bittersweet for me, full of triggers. Not A triggers, but H & I triggers. The mountains have always kind of been an "us" trip. It's funny, where we took the kids Tuesday was the same place H and I went on our first anniversary and then we went back in the fall of '09 when we were trying to reconnect and I was trickle-truthing him. Same goofy photo ops, only this time it was the kids. The girls and I stopped today at a little tourist spot that is across the road from an inn H & I stayed at when we came up here with his parents before they D'ed and before he and I were married - I'd forgotten the inn was there and it hit me kind of hard.

I'm better about telling my fears to f&*^ off and if I want to kiss him on the cheek or touch him I do. He's been pretty agreeable about letting me snuggle up w/him on the couch or in bed - he doesn't really reciprocate but he doesn't push me away either.

Galoot, thank you for your post. I am trying to be patient, and yes, it is hard...but I understand how selfish my impatience is, and that makes it easier to be patient. I hope time is the key. I look at him sometimes and I love him so much...I start thinking about what I did to him and how much I hurt him and I think what an idiot I was...I know why/how the A happened, but I still question why, why, WHY I was such a freaking idiot, if that makes sense at all.

In other news, I did have my eyes dilated last week and the doc said he was "50-50" on if it was a result of past trauma or a new growth. So I have an appt next week with a specialist for a retinal scan and then we go from there. I think my initial freak-out has pretty much passed and I really haven't thought much about it, kind of put it out of my mind for the weekend and this past week. Nothing I can do about it, so no sense dwelling on it.

Been catching up on everybody's threads - I've missed a lot this week!

First a date, now a weekend away, it sounds like progress to me!


More progress! For both of you! It sounds like you had a bittersweet weekend, but it also sounds like the two of you are taking baby steps in the right direction.

Praying that everything goes well with the retinal scan!

wulffpack,

I agree, you are handling things right for now, it is going to take time for your husband to trust you and to feel safe with you........
He is falling in love with you all over, but it will take more time, just be a great wife and when you least expect it your life will be everything you want it to be.....
He wouldn't have gone and drove there is your lives together didn't mean something to him.............
keep up the good work, smile today...........
jessi
good luck with the test.

Bolding is mine.

These are all good signs WPG.

I'll say again what I've said before....I don't think he's done by a long shot.

He's most likely confused and is testing the waters.

Patience. And then some more Patience.

DO NOT PUSH IT in any way. Let him drive. Keep offering opportunities for him to join you, but don't push it. If you ask him to do something and he decides not to, DO NOT GET UPSET. He's looking for a reason to NOT be with you, but you're not going to give him that reason. NO R talks. This potential recovery is on HIS time table, not yours.

I'm encouraged with what you're sharing with us. Keep up the good work.

H4U