Well, signed the "go ahead" on the paper only D. Soon, I should be legally divorced. However, since the state seperates property division from the D, I will not be able to deny her access to the house. Thanks state...enable dragging this out as long as possible.

STBXWW is not having much fun in Oz right now either. I'm not sure what's going on, but there have been tears and depressed behavior. For me, it's just another one of those times where ignorance would be bliss...I honestly don't like watching it. And it drives my logical side crazy. Why leave "us" for that? I know the answer, but that Spock side just doesn't listen. lol.



Thanks CP. Man hugs back at ya. Cause brothers don't shake hands; brothers gotta hug!


Right you are MJ. And pretty sure we miss you too. Hope you're well, and things at work have slowed down a little. And, that you've been out enjoying yourself.

EDIT:
Oh, and "better" is realitive at this point. If I wake up each day, I guess I can't really complain.

So, nothing all that new...

STBXWW has posted on FB that she is in a relationship with "XXXX". From her phone at least, since I changed the password on the internet. Her info still shows "Seperated". Thanks for continuing to build my case! LOL.

I asked her a week ago if she could move all of her stuff out of my bed/bathroom. She replied "Sure". Well, I got to do it for her. As usual. She didn't seem to terribly happy about it, but Oh Effin Well. I'm sure part of it is b/c she doesn't want DS asking questions (which he did this morning). Sucks when you have to deal with what your actions cause, right?

I also asked her a couple of days ago if she knew when she was moving out yet. I got a quick, perturbed "no". Mediation is in ~2 weeks, and I really don't want this one to be rescheduled AGAIN b/c she has failed to make a decision and "leave the nest" that she so hates being in. Ignorance is bliss right?

How truly lost waytards become...

So, just had a long converstaion. With STBXWW and DS.

We have finally told him that we're divorcing. Well, I did; STBXWW deffered to me. I don't think she wanted to tell him, but also wanted to see how I'd explain it. I just gave it to him straight, with the mutual "agreement" approach. More to come. He didn't really react, and only agreed (reluctantly) to his emotion being anger. We both said that that was ok to feel. I made sure that he didn't have any questions, that he was told it's not his fault, and that we'd both continue to love and take care of him. STBXWW mostly just sat there holding him, shedding a few tears.

He went downstairs, and STBXWW and I continued to talk. It of course turned into a conversation about us; which I've got to start getting better at walking away from. As for her moving out, well, she's just plain stuck in her head. She'll basically stay here until I can kick her out. Well, we'll see. You never know when the emotional boiling point will be reached...

The only other thing I'll discuss about the conversation, is forgiveness. STBXWW kept bringing up the distant past, from 3-4 years ago. She kept bringing up my controlling behavior. This is something that I have not really put up on my thread, and honestly, I'd like to change that.

Yes, I did used to heavily control what I could. I was the sole income earner, and used that to react to her control with DS. In being "pushed out" from caring for my son, and made to feel that I was inadequate as a parent; I sought to strike back with the only thing I could. I became VERY strict on what the money was spent on, and not because we were hurting financially. I even went so far to tell STBXWW that she should be thankful I was around; since I kept her alive. Now, I honestly did recognize what I was doing, but at times I chose to do it anyway. Most of this was happening while we were still in Germany. When we got to the States, I tried to get out of that thinking and tried to get her to give up her "hold" on DS. I suggested daycare (he was 2-1/2 at the time), her getting a driver's license and a job. She didn't buy into any of it really, with exception to the license. But, all of these things began to happen after the first A. But even now, there are things she states and does that show she still thinks I'm inadequate. Rambling now...

There isn't a day that goes by (stated again today) that I don't regret those behaviors. And, my reaction is in no way excused. I have owned, multiple times now, that particular mistake. I also explained to her why I reacted that way THEN. But, I realized in this conversation that the "wall" that has kept her blocked from me is forgiveness. Or lack there of. I told her that I hope she can forgive me for my mistakes, and maybe then she can start to respect me and vice versa. She made mention that she's NEVER forgiven anyone. I then stated that it is a hard thing to do, and gave the old "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result" line. Not sure if it was the best line to give, but well, it fit. In closing with her, I told her that I try to remember EVERYTHING, not just the bad times.

Now, I know better than to think this is a "seed". But, in all honesty, I am somewhat glad we had this conversation. Not much will come of it because she's smack dab in the middle of Fogland again. But, it's helped get a little bit off my chest and cleared up a few "assumptions".

Down the yellow brick road....

I've been thinking about this today. I can't believe that I allowed this. I was sitting on the floor, and DS and STBXWW on her bed.

So, with her sitting there holding him, and "setting up" the conversation...she gets to look like the "good guy". While it's me delivering the horrible news, making me the "bad guy". How did I let my guard down at this moment? I will be revisiting the news, and will slowly introduce my reasons. Not to degrade STBXWW, but to teach DS that I don't want him growing up thinking that reaching outside of a promise (ANY exclusive relationship) is "just the way it happens". Of course STBXWW is scared I'll tell him, and she thinks its because I want to "hurt her" or get revenge.

Nothing I can do about it now though right? There is no perfect way to deliver this news. And, I'm sure DS knew it was coming. This was part of the reason I started pushing to tell him. I've read some stories of children not being told for a long time, but knowing the whole time; and all they wanted was for their parents to tell them what was happening.

Itsa, I'm so sorry you had to have that conversation with your son. I do understand your anger over you delivering that news, when it should have been your wife to do it, while you held your son.

My GUESS is that you love your son so much, that you wanted to be sure the news was delivered in the most loving way possible, and probably didn't trust your wife to do that. After all, she hasn't been very loving to anyone but her affair partners.

You continue to protect your son, and teach him about integrity, what commitment means, and the zillion other things he will learn from a stable role model. This is a minor setback. Your son will know the deal in time. Trust me. BTDT.

I agree with MJ, I had a lot of the same experience, and being the one who delivers bad news to your Son as tender as possible will be appreciated over time. He wil come to you with questions also and it will protect him more than a hug and handwringing.

I agree completely too. Kids are a lot more perceptive than we tend to give them credit for. They will know what the real deal is soon enough and they will look back and know who they can trust. God bless.

Ugh. I cannot tell you how many times I had to "be there" for my kids when I was a mess myself. Cleaning up the messes my stbx left, and my first husband who also cheated on me and abandoned us, over the years. It was really tough.

I think it sucks that that's how I spent my energy for years. Cleaning up the messes of some very immature men. Exhaustingly being both the father and the mother. I honestly think I've painfully learned enough to not pick the same kind of man again, and me not being the same kind of person who didn't have good boundaries around myself. Thank you God.

Although it was tough Itsa, my kids are grown now. They have told me repeatedly how they are much closer to me. Those two men are missing out on what's important in life. It's sad, but they really do not respect their father, or their stepfather. They do have respect for me though, and have been very forgiving of my weaknesses, depression,etc., throughout all the difficult times.

My stbx will never experience mature love, with me or his step children. I will always have that experience with them, because I am a buyer.

You Itsa, will be rewarded with your son's respect. That feels a million times better than what your stbx will experience in her surfacy, shallow existence. Waywards are just too immature, selfish, and weak to work for the good stuff.

Thank you all. You guys rock! I know how the respect thing will turn out; I experience it personally with my parents. My dad moved out when I was 9, and it has been a long road back to where our relationship is today. And even he knows that my sister and I respect my mother more than him; hell, I think he respects my mother more than himself.

One thing I have started doing again, a little, is writing poems. I haven't written poems since I was in HS... Some I like, and some seem "juvenile" to me. But, I do enjoy the "release" they offer at times. Just though I'd share one I just drafted up...


Lately, I've been seeking some closure again. I know it's mostly because of the rejection, and the OM. And it's also because my anger is mostly gone. Mostly. I still get those feelings of wanting to show her how I can care for her. How I can be everything she wants me to be...like I was at one point. My boundaries are keeping me from letting this be known to her. But, if she could just let me know what she wants, and could show that she's willing to do the same for me... She seeks so much attention, 'romance', and acceptance for who she is; yet she can't/hasn't seen it standing in front of her for years...in me.

Anywho, looking forward to another relaxing, yet busy weekend with DS. I love the weekends...

Wow Itsa, that poem brought tears to my eyes.

For me, it was it spoke to how I felt when I had a few close connections with the stbx...when I thought we could conquer the world, and all of our troubles, together. I basked in that joy, and it did feel like soothing rain putting out the flames of the pain when we were in that place. How moving. Thank you.

Now, to move through that feeling, and let it go.....lol.....I do like though, knowing that that kind of connection is possible, when both people care for the other, and working together towards the common goal of each other's happiness. It takes commitment, and poja, imo, to get to the mature love level.

Aww man. MJ, I did not intend to strike nerves and cause anyone to cry. But, it is oddly flattering that my little old words could move your emotions like that.

It is just a draft. The "flow" of it has some rough spots I'd like to work out.

In other news, on the way home from work, I got the pleasure of seeing STBXWW in her(our?) car with OM#4. Blood. Boiled. But, I kept my cool. I think they may have seen me too, because STBXWW is back to distraughtness today. Maybe the bubble burst for OM...sucks when real life smacks you in the face eh? lol

Hi Itsa,

What's going on in your life. I am worried about you.

Sorry I missed replying to your last post. Don't ever worry about making me cry, or stirring up emotions. It's actually a good thing when I can cry. It releases the negative emotions I build up that put me into a depression. I like it if someone can bring my emotions to the surface like that.

I am so sorry you had to see you stbx with OM#4. That would have been difficult to me. I hate thinking one day I may run into my stbx somewhere, whether he is with someone or not. Of course it'd be worse if he were with someone. I'd have to control the urge to shoot eye darts in their direction, or warn the adultery partner he's with that he's a relationship loser. I'd love it if he moved a million miles away. He moved across town, and that helps, but it's still too close. One of these days we're bound to wind up at the same venue. Ugh,shivers.

Just continuing the spiral. No need to worry. Been busy with work, DS, and starting school back up. On the legal side of things, not so good. My custody petition has been dismissed by the judge reviewing my Motion to Bypass Mediation. The judge said to re-file when we're in seperate residences. I really can't understand it...and neither can my attorney. Just more time and money; those aren't important right?


I don't really know what to say to this.



It all happened in a matter of a couple seconds. If it had been longer...yeah, darts of some sort probably would have been thrown.

The Weak One (this has been her name IRL) and I had a conversation Tuesday. To summarize, she thinks I'm plotting to "take DS" away from her; that the things I do with him (that she cannot/will not) are causing him distress; and that she's not sure she ever loved me. Same old song and dance. Oh, and that she's not staying in the house "b/c she can" but "b/c I have nowhere else to go". Not my problem... I did end up telling her that I'm done focusing on the things we don't agree on (with DS), that I know she loved me at some point, and that I don't hate her and that I still care what happens to her. But, that I am no longer acting on that care (i.e. I'm leaving her to her own devices). I did also throw in that this still is not what I want, that I'm still willing to do whatever I can for my family, but that I cannot accept how she has/is treating me.

I'm getting tired of the broken record.

Yes I understand, and yes it can get old. Hang in there Itsa

I have a VAR. But carrying it at all times doesn't happen. We simply don't communicate enough. But, the though is always in the back of my mind. And man those things will start to eat batteries.

As for my attorney. It seems the courts have started to act differently in custody cases while the parents are in the same residence. Who knows. I only control one side of this ordeal. I have had thoughts about attempting to get an explanation from the judge. I know they don't like explaining themselves, but c'mon! Why not just deny the motion instead of sending the case back to square one? I may be biased, but is that in the best interest of the child?

So, D is final. Now starts the property division. And then, maybe then, I can restart the custody.

The Family Court legal system is...well, you all know.

How can the D be final without property division? Is that standard where you live?

{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}{{{Itsa}}}

Really? It's final as of today? How do you feel?



I was going to ask the same thing. Here in Florida, the settlement is worked out before the divorce is final. Things may have to be done after the divorce, but what's suppose to happen is already decided.

Yeah, the order here is D then property division starts immediately after. So, I'm through 1/3 of the hurdles...

How do I feel? Hmm. Relieved. Sad. Bewildered. Happy. Inspired.

In all honesty, I think what gets me the most is that I now have an ex-wife; and I'm now an ex-husband. Two titles I never wanted my marriage to include.

Thanks Kirby and MJ. Just got back from having a beer with some guys, and getting hit on by thee bartender. It was actually a good time.

Next time she starts this song-and-dance I'd respond with - I'm not trying to take son away from you; that's a natural consequence of divorce. I now lose 50% of his life thanks to you. Be grateful for the little scraps you get from here on out because it's what you chose. Not Me. Not Him.