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Why don't you feel comfortable having sex during the 2nd half of her pregnancy? You say you know it's safe (and as long as there are no complications, it is). So what's the issue?
We had no problems with sex during any of my pregnancies, right up until the end, so I don't know if it's something that comes up often or not. My H had no issues with it.
Maybe it would help if we knew exactly what it is that you're concerned about.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I know that I am not well liked here, Tom, I can't speak for anyone else, but I have told you things you did not want to hear because I liked you, not because I did not like you. Has anyone else had a similiar issue in their marriage? Is this something that comes up often between couples during the first pregnancy? Yes, it is common for fathers to have unfounded fears or concerns about sex during pregnancy. There is a lot of reading material you can find online. Personally, I think that sex during pregnancy is spectacular.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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When are you going to start following the program, Tom? In regards to this issue, I am trying. We were open and honest with one another about the issue. We have spent time discussing it. We have just not been able to come up with something that pleases us both on the issue.
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You two can have SF without penetration, if that is your issue. Are you turned off by her pregnant body? I initially suggested this to her. The main problem is that penetration is her favorite form of SF. Being turned off by the pregnant body could be part of it, but not the whole of it. I have always thought it strange to have sex during a pregnancy. I used to think maybe my thoughts on it would change once I was in the situation, but I am still uncomfortable with it.
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Personally, I think that sex during pregnancy is spectacular. markos, this is just begging for the obvious comment...!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I know that I am not well liked here, Tom, I can't speak for anyone else, but I have told you things you did not want to hear because I liked you, not because I did not like you. I appreciate that Markos.
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Why don't you feel comfortable having sex during the 2nd half of her pregnancy? You say you know it's safe (and as long as there are no complications, it is). So what's the issue?
We had no problems with sex during any of my pregnancies, right up until the end, so I don't know if it's something that comes up often or not. My H had no issues with it.
Maybe it would help if we knew exactly what it is that you're concerned about. I don't believe it is really a concern, just more a comfort level. When we have had sex since finding out it is constantly in the back of my mind and I feel awkward. I think that comfort level is going to get worse as the pregnancy goes on.
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You two can have SF without penetration, if that is your issue. Are you turned off by her pregnant body? I initially suggested this to her. The main problem is that penetration is her favorite form of SF. Being turned off by the pregnant body could be part of it, but not the whole of it. I have always thought it strange to have sex during a pregnancy. I used to think maybe my thoughts on it would change once I was in the situation, but I am still uncomfortable with it. I'll make this as least graphic as possible: toys. Have you discussed that as an option? You really need to work on this, Tom...you cannot stop seeing her as a sexual being just because she's pregnant, because that will lead into the whole madonna/ho complex thing and...oh wait a minute, you were never sexually attracted to her to begin with, right?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Refusing sex to your partner who has nowhere else to go to get this need met is cruel.
Tell yourself there is no masturbation allowed, no release unless it is with your partner (no porn, girly pictures, victoria secret catalogues or anything else harmful to marriage) and I daresay your reticence will disappear fairly quick.
Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.
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Refusing sex to your partner who has nowhere else to go to get this need met is cruel.
Tell yourself there is no masturbation allowed, no release unless it is with your partner (no porn, girly pictures, victoria secret catalogues or anything else harmful to marriage) and I daresay your reticence will disappear fairly quick. This is a temporary change in our circumstances. Why does it have to be viewed as me refusing sex. It is a temporary change in our situation that I am not comfortable with. I would think that falls under the POJA and has to be worked out by both people.
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You two can have SF without penetration, if that is your issue. Are you turned off by her pregnant body? I initially suggested this to her. The main problem is that penetration is her favorite form of SF. Being turned off by the pregnant body could be part of it, but not the whole of it. I have always thought it strange to have sex during a pregnancy. I used to think maybe my thoughts on it would change once I was in the situation, but I am still uncomfortable with it. I'll make this as least graphic as possible: toys. Have you discussed that as an option? You really need to work on this, Tom...you cannot stop seeing her as a sexual being just because she's pregnant, because that will lead into the whole madonna/ho complex thing and...oh wait a minute, you were never sexually attracted to her to begin with, right? I have to ask, what is the madonna/ho complex thing you mentioned? And no, we have not discussed what you mentioned as an option yet.
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That mothers are virginal, non-sexual beings, and all other women are ho's.
Is this a continuation of your non-attraction to your wife?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Refusing sex to your partner who has nowhere else to go to get this need met is cruel.
Tell yourself there is no masturbation allowed, no release unless it is with your partner (no porn, girly pictures, victoria secret catalogues or anything else harmful to marriage) and I daresay your reticence will disappear fairly quick. This is a temporary change in our circumstances. Why does it have to be viewed as me refusing sex. It is a temporary change in our situation that I am not comfortable with. I would think that falls under the POJA and has to be worked out by both people. Not as temporary as you might think. If you think it's hard to get in the mood now, wait until you're getting up 4 or 5 times in the middle of the night with the baby and trying to get by on little to no sleep. Becoming parents does change the dynamic of a relationship. Pregnancy is only the beginning of that change. It's even more important now to maintain intimacy in your M. It's far too easy to lose that once you start adding children to the equation.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Refusing sex to your partner who has nowhere else to go to get this need met is cruel.
Tell yourself there is no masturbation allowed, no release unless it is with your partner (no porn, girly pictures, victoria secret catalogues or anything else harmful to marriage) and I daresay your reticence will disappear fairly quick. This is a temporary change in our circumstances. Why does it have to be viewed as me refusing sex. It is a temporary change in our situation that I am not comfortable with. I would think that falls under the POJA and has to be worked out by both people. In order to use POJA, you need to follow the FGSN, which is going to include brainstorming alternatives that both of you feel are a win. Rosy is suggesting some alternatives that will probably help.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Jessi, I appreciate the concern, but I assure you that I am not at all worried about the work relationsip. I know that I am human, and some decisions I make are not the best ones, but if my wife is not meeting my needs as you say; it will not be the friend I run to. I know that I am prone to looking/desiring elsewhere, but the thing with the friend I believe was exausted for all it would ever become. I have no desire for our friendship to even be as close as it was, let alone let it become more than that.
Now I will be honest, I can't say that the same situation wont ever happen again with someone else. I know my weaknesses, I know my desires, and yes, I know they are wrong. I don't go out looking for a situation like that either. I do know that with a baby coming, that is my main focus, and that is where I want to keep my focus for the forseable future. Don't put the burden of holding your marriage together on your baby. Are EPs in place to prevent this from ever happening again? Did you ever tell your wife about your "friendship?"
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Are EPs in place to prevent this from ever happening again?
Did you ever tell your wife about your "friendship?" If the answer to either of these is no, then I don't see how advice on POJA or negotiation is going to help you.
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Personally, I think that sex during pregnancy is spectacular. markos, this is just begging for the obvious comment...! I'm sure there are a lot of obvious comments that could be made.  But I mean it completely literally and straightforwardly.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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That mothers are virginal, non-sexual beings, and all other women are ho's.
Is this a continuation of your non-attraction to your wife? I don't buy into the idea that mothers are non-sexual beings, moms that have kids can be quite attractive. I've had this feeling regardless of the attraction to my wife. So I don't feel as if that is what is at the root of it.
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[quote=TomOlympus][quote=Rosycheeks]
Not as temporary as you might think.
If you think it's hard to get in the mood now, wait until you're getting up 4 or 5 times in the middle of the night with the baby and trying to get by on little to no sleep.
Becoming parents does change the dynamic of a relationship. Pregnancy is only the beginning of that change. It's even more important now to maintain intimacy in your M. It's far too easy to lose that once you start adding children to the equation. We are well aware that SF and intimacy will change after the baby comes along. We expect that and have discussed doing things that ensure we find time just for the two of us when that time is needed with the baby.
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Refusing sex to your partner who has nowhere else to go to get this need met is cruel.
Tell yourself there is no masturbation allowed, no release unless it is with your partner (no porn, girly pictures, victoria secret catalogues or anything else harmful to marriage) and I daresay your reticence will disappear fairly quick. This is a temporary change in our circumstances. Why does it have to be viewed as me refusing sex. It is a temporary change in our situation that I am not comfortable with. I would think that falls under the POJA and has to be worked out by both people. In order to use POJA, you need to follow the FGSN, which is going to include brainstorming alternatives that both of you feel are a win. Rosy is suggesting some alternatives that will probably help. We have tried discussing it, we just don't see a solution at this point that will be a WIN for us both. As for what Rosy said, not sure how I see that to be helpful.
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