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Well ..... it's next to impossible to resist an adorable 2 year old girl.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Well ..... it's next to impossible to resist an adorable 2 year old girl.

Yes, it is, and I think she knows it (and takes advantage of it too).


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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As she should ......

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PS
JL's post about attitude is spot on.

You're a writer, write her a story ....

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
PS
JL's post about attitude is spot on.

You're a writer, write her a story ....

Oh...Writer!...that is THE most perfect suggestion. Perfect.

Pep, I make a point to read your signature lines and THIS one almost made me fall off my chair laughing when I read it.

4eva


4eva

BW-47
WH-46
Married 21 yrs.
D-19
S-15
OC-14/born 9/99
NC
Dday #1 10/30/04
Dday #2 7/2/12 Skank ho #2 (40ish, childless, single & desperate; the world is becoming over-run with them...just like cheaters)
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Originally Posted by Smiling Woman
The problem with the infidelity part of it is that you can't tell a child facts of her DNA and expect her to keep it secret. I think you have to accept the fact this is not something that should be expected to be kept secret.
--a good point SW.

Writer, you don't have the above issue because you have accepted resonsibility for yourself. You have the strength of character to protect your child from any ill-effects of knowing the truth at WHATEVER age you feel comfortable havign that discussion with her (or sharing your "story").

To some people, THEIR OWN reputation is more important than their own child's wellfare. The some, the deceipt and dishonesty, and cowardice that allowed the adultery to flourish remains - shrouding the truth from those who most deserve to know the facts. Just another way that adultery is a gift that keeps on giving...until the cycle is stopped. Stopping it takes the rare type of courage you posess, Writer.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
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I was thinking about the title of this thread.
I always think that the thread title says a lot.

"Telling OC the truth" ......
Well, of course the opposite would be telling OC lies.
That's not going to happen.

What I was thinking was, what we are really discussing is which FACTS a child needs in order to understand their particular reality.

It's not really an issue of "telling the truth", is it?
It's more an issue of revealing relevant facts considering age appropriateness and the needs of the child at that time.

So, Writer Dear, I suggest you change your inner dialogue away from "telling the truth" to "sharing relevant facts".

You never intended to lie to your daughter.
You always intended to be truthful with her.
But, really, your dilemma is not about truth. It's about discernment of when to give her certain facts.
And, I am certain that some of the facts of the situation are never going to be any of her business.

My kids both know I did "hippie stuff" in the 60's. But, that is as far as I go.
What I did (the details) is none of their business. They know the "truth" that I was young and wild at times. The "facts" about my exact foolishness are none off their business, unless I decide it would be useful to them to hear those facts. Instead, I tell them about the lessons I learned.

Writer, don't over think this too much.


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Originally Posted by Pepperband
It's not really an issue of "telling the truth", is it?
It's more an issue of revealing relevant facts considering age appropriateness and the needs of the child at that time.

Yes, Pep, this is absolutely what I was trying to get at.

It isn't so much about telling OC the truth, because I don't intend to lie to her. It's absolutely about finding the right time to explain the situation in terms that she can understand.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
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DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Writer1,

I really really really like the idea of you writing a story for HER. I could see it as a story that you and/or your H could read to her when she is a bit older. It should contain as Pep says the relavent facts she needs to know. It could even be presented as an animal story where the facts of her life are presented. Something she could identify with but also reflect the love you, your H, and the other children have for her.

Just thoughts, but given your abilities I think this would be a cool thing to do for her. Given her age you have some time to construct it in a way that pleases you, your H, and will touch her in a way allows learning with comfort.

Just thoughts.

JL

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I have a very similar situation. My daughter is three going on four. My husband (BS) asked me to start talking with her about it. I have brought it up in conversations with her about her having two daddies. It is very difficult and hard for her to understand, but we don't want her to feel that we have lied to her and these small introductions help.

Another writer... ;-)

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FullAttic: Thank you for sharing how your situation is going. Does your daughter know her bio dad at all? Does your BH participate in these discussions? Specifically what have you told your daughter at this age? My OC is about a year younger than yours, so I'm just trying to plan ahead as far as when and what to tell her.

Thanks.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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No, my daughter does not know her bio dad. He has no contact and does not pay child support. My husband and I had the initial conversation with her. We essentially said that she had two Dads and that one lived far away. She didn't have any questions and she just laughed at us and said that she only had one daddy. So, we've tried to bring it more into conversation -- in the car, reading books, and so on. My friend who has two girls who she adopted from China recommend creating a scrapbook for her that is similar to the ones made by adopted kids. She said that I should put everything in there about her birth and the people who love her. I could then have a page for her bio father. I guess that her daughters actually drew pictures of what they thought their biological parents looked like so that they had a reference.

It is a very difficult situation and I really do dread the conversations to come. But, she has a loving father (BS) and family (with siblings), she has not had to travel back and forth between houses, and, although it has been difficult, God has taken care of the finances.

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I really like the idea of making a scrapbook. I think I'm going to start putting one together for when my daughter is old enough to understand. Right now, her verbal skills are still developing. She's a bit speech delayed, so I don't think she'd understand anything right now.

I've just gotten so much different advice about this - everything from tell her as soon as she's old enough to understand to don't tell her until she's at least 18.

You're right, it is a difficult situation. I don't look forward to these conversations either.

My H doesn't really even want to talk about when to tell her. He doesn't want to lie to her either, but he really thinks of her as his daughter, so it doesn't feel like lying. And of course, she is his daughter legally and in pretty much every way other than the DNA, and it's hard to explain DNA to a very young child.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
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DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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After the initial dust had cleared, my husband just wanted to move on and not talk about it again. But after he heard several stories of how rough it was for older children to find out that they were adopted, he started insisting that we talk about it with her. He does not want her to feel weird or mad at him. He is very close to her and says that he has earned the right to "someday walk her down the aisle at her wedding day." He doesn't want anything to happen to ruin their relationship. He feels that her anger should be directed at her bio Dad and not him.

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I think one of the most important messages to send to these children are that they are not a mistake. Even if the circumstances of their conception were not traditional, or morally right, that God knew them before they were born and that God does not make mistakes. Parents do. My heart goes out to ALL children. They are the innocent ones.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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My H and I discussed this last night. He feels that 3 or 4 is much too young for her to be able to understand. He's thinking more like waiting until she's 7 or 8 to talk to her, when she'll be more able to understand what it is that we're talking about.

It's hard to know the right age for this kind of thing. Dr. Harley does say to be honest about the situation from a young age, but it's difficult to know what that age is. 3 or 4 is young, but then again, so is 7 or 8.

I'm hoping we'll just know when the time is right when we get there. All I know is that she's too young right now. At this point, telling her she has two daddy's wouldn't do much good, since she doesn't really grasp the concept of numbers yet (and she still sometimes calls me "daddy" and her dad "mommy" lol).

I do agree with princessmeggy that the children are the innocent ones. One thing I know for sure is that both my H and I do everything we can to let our daughter know that we love her and cherish her every single day of her life. I'm hoping that making her feel loved and wanted and secure will make all of this easier for her to deal with when the time does come.


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OC: 10
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Writer1,

In my experience as an OC, I was told that I was adopted from a very young age I would estimate 2 years old. In any event it was always a part of my Consciousness.

As I grew older the WORD adopted took on more and more meaning, like any other word that we know it will change over time. When I found out later I was also an OC there wasn't that much of a transition for me.

Perhaps what you need to think about is what words you will use to describe OCs situation to her, but she does need to understand that her situation is different, and have the words to understand it some day.

God Bless
Gamma

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Gamma, I think that's one of the problems inherent in this situation. There are no acceptable "words" for this situation.

Adoption is very common. Almost everyone knows someone who has been adopted. It's very socially acceptable. There are books to help explain it to small children.

There is nothing like that for the OC. OC is a term that we use here, but it isn't a term that is commonly known outside of this forum. And though I use it here simply for clarification, it isn't a word that I particularly like. Neither me or my husband consider our daughter to be an "other" child. For all intents and purposes, she is 100% OUR daughter, period. We don't distinguish between her and our older kids. So I certainly don't want to use that term, but I really can't think of an appropriate and accurate alternative either.

At 2, my daughter doesn't have enough of an understanding to even grasp something like adoption. She isn't very advanced as far as speaking goes. She understands concrete things that we say to her (Do you want to eat? Where is your ball? Can you point to your nose?), but that's about as far as her comprehension level goes. So right now, there just wouldn't be any way to explain this that she would understand.

I guess all kids develop at different rates, so there may not be one right age for explaining these things. All I know is that my daughter isn't anywhere close to being able to comprehend something like this.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
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DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Writer1,

You are quite correct about that, the words in general use are [censored], love child, illegitimate, etc, quite an ugly history of words on display.

You could say that OC was adopted by your H, or accepted, or taken in, I don't think that is a deception since in fact your H did adopt her.

Tell OC that H is her step-dad is honest as well, even if she does not know the full meaning of that word.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 06/22/11 07:41 PM.
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Originally Posted by Gamma
Writer1,

You are quite correct about that, the words in general use are [censored], love child, illegitimate, etc, quite an ugly history of words on display.

You could say that OC was adopted by your H, or accepted, or taken in, I don't think that is a deception since in fact your H did adopt her.

Tell OC that H is her step-dad is honest as well, even if she does not know the full meaning of that word.

God Bless
Gamma

I don't feel as though adoption is an accurate word for our situation. There was no legal adoption process. There was no adoption process at all. We were married when our daughter was conceived and when she was born, so in the eyes of the law, she is my husband's daughter. His name was placed on the birth certificate before we left the hospital. I just don't think "adoption" fits.

I also don't see my H as her step-father, and neither does he. He is her only father, except for biologically. He is the only father she will ever know. Traditionally, step-father is a word used for someone who becomes a father by a marriage that occurs after the child is born. That doesn't describe our situation accurately either.

You have no idea how many times I've gone around this in my head. It's like running in circles. Maybe it's hard to explain it in a way that makes sense simply because it isn't a sensible situation.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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