So sorry HavingFaith. I know that funk. When it happens to me, I feel so weighted down, and directionless, that I have no motivation at all as well. Being forced to do something against your will, having no voice, makes you feel HOPELESS and that = depression.

So the way I see it, we have to concentrate on not thinking things are hopeless. This is the time for mental gymnastics to try to lift you out of that funk. Way easier said than done, I know. HF, our stories are a lot alike, and we've put up with the same crap. So, I KNOW you are strong. You also are a KEEPER when it comes to relationships with a HEALTHY person. I know you've bee learning excellent lessons, have put up HEALTHY boundaries, and are on the way to to a healthier you because of it.

That's where our hope lies. We ARE becoming healthy.


I've struggled greatly with the rejection myself. What I've discovered is that it was no rejection of me, it was a rejection of my healthy boundaries. The way I see it, my boundaries are doing exactly what they were designed to do. Keep me in a healthy relationship with myself, and someone else.

Screw the house today. Go have some fun.

HF....how are you doing? It's ok if you don't want to post. BTDT many, many times.

You know I read that depression is your brain's way of protecting you. It only allows your mind and body to do so much, and process so much, in the time you can handle.

I don't know if you're feeling depressed right now, or if you took my advice and are out having a blast somewhere right now. Hoping it's the latter, but I wanted to throw that out there anyway.

So....with all of this "getting the house ready to sell" stuff....have you done anything therapuedic with stbx's stuffs?

Hmmmm
I'm thinking a great big BON FIRE in the back yard!! Is it legal to do that???? burn your stbx's stuff....it could be an accident...

(((HF))) I've was in a funk for about a year after D day, I know it does'nt compare to your sit, but I know how it is. It's a roller coaster ride for a while, expect it, know it will come to a stop one day. Enjoy the good hours, or days that do come your way. Like with your kids.

You are a great gal and have so much to offer when the right guy comes along.

So how did the foundation guy..I mean situation turn out?

Ooooo....ya, maybe that's what she's doin' today. Hehehehe....

Well I'm just now getting on MB. I've had a good day today. It is my birthday, so the boys and I went to my sister's house. My parents and a couple of girlfriends I've known for 30 years (since I was 12) were there. It was fun. There was not much talk about the D, just fun. It was nice. It really helped my spirits.

My little six year old went out and clipped my crape myrtle that is blooming and brought them into me, telling me happy birthday. What a sweetie pie!

The boys were kinda down bc they didn't get me anything, so I'm giving them some money and dropping them off at the store to shop for me. I don't expect anything from them, it's just that they always have gone with their dad to get something for me- so this is a shift for them.

With fathers day coming up, my little one said- "let wrap dad up something he left here and give it to him" LOL too funny. I guess I'll take em to walmart or target and let them find something for him. Only bc they want to give him something.

I would love to do therapeutic things with his stuff, but the court orders that I had drawn up state if either of us causes damages to things it comes out of our settlement. So no... well I did pack all his clothes in trash bags and forced him to take them... Now I have a big ole closet to myself.

OMG... I honestly felt like about six months ago I finally got out of the funk from the A... of course my drug on bc his special friend emailed every 6 months... until last summer... so it was like d-day for about 3.5 years for me... I swear I had just gotten to the point of not allowing her or them into my head during pleasurable times, if ya know what I mean... I was feeling safer... I even told my stxwh that about 6-8 months before he left... craziness

So I get the long time funk thing... I guess the difference then was I was picking up the pieces of my broken life, putting it back together and fighting for something/someone I believed in... now I'm picking up the shattered pieces of my life, and trying to figure out how I'm gonna support my kids and do this all alone. It's scary.

That's when my looping thoughts start... I start to worry, then I get mad because he placed me in this situation, then I'm mad- in this situation, and I'm fixing the house up to sell it- while he's off having his freedom, and oh yeah its a 50/50 split. it just makes me madder and madder...

Well the foundation guy was nice- to bad not a nice buff guy to watch going room to room with his tools. ugh, he did leave a nice 12000 bid

regarding MJ's statement I was hanging with the foundation guy... ya, know I'm not even at a place where I want to be with anyone...

I still have these weird feelings regarding my H... I still love him so much, but I know he is toxic. I can not be with him bc of the pain he has caused me. He has betrayed me twice. Once with the A and the other time with just walking out (probably another A)- I just cant do that. I wish I had the ability to turn off my feelings, but I don't. I really think it helps when I don't see or talk with him.

The boys are spending the night with my parents friday, while I go to dinner and to watch a outdoor concert with some GF's... he will pick them up from their house- so I don't have to see he then either. I hope that will help me some.

Thanks for checking in on me...Yall are great!

Yay! Happy Birthday! That's what I'm talking about! So glad you had a good time.



Awww...my son use to do that kind of stuff for me when he was little. And when he did, I could just eat him up it was so cute and sweet. I'm so glad you had that moment. Gotta love those kids.



I am sad for your kids in that situation with your gift. I wished your blockheaded wayward would have thought about the KIDS in that respect. I'm glad you are helping the kids in this way. I use to do that as well when the kids wanted to buy stuff for their bio dad when when we divorcd. They were dollar store gifts, but it meant the world to the kids, and the bio dad truly appreciated the thoughfulness. I didn't do it for him. I did it for the kids.



Same here. I was just trying to get a smile out of you. It sure is fun to think about though.



That is hilarious. My stbx was ticked because I didn't pack his stuff "gingerly"....lol....I was careful not to break anything, but I did NOT take care to pack his stuff gingerly. If it fit in the box, it went in. Put the crap in the garage. However, I do still have some of his clothes hanging in one of the closets that I could use, and I'm really liking the garbage bag story....



I understand. In the beginning of this, I was petrified. I'm still anxious, and a bit afraid of my financial future, but I will just have to deal with whatever happens. I do realize it's a whole nuther ball game when you have young children to support. I have faith in you though to be creative with whatever you are dealt.




Yeah, I get this. As far as getting the house ready to sell, why don't you figure out how much it costs for all of these services you're offering, don't forget about the day care for your children, and use that in the settlement?



Ouch on the bid.



I understand. I made that comment to lighten the mood. I actually feel the same way you do about my stbx. Only the way he is now is not who I was in love with. The guy I fell in love with was only around for a very short while on occasion. I can't turn my feelings off either after 20 yrs, and it does help to not see him.



That's awesome. Enjoy the time while you're there. You will heal in these situations, and it carries over when you get home.

So glad you had a good day. Here's to more of those!

Hey all! I'm in an up mood this week... Please keep your fingers crossed I have two phone interviews one today and one monday... I'd love to get past this phase of the interview process...

Anyway... it's been great not talking to stxwh... we did have to have text exchange last night to arrange for the visit.... it was a hairy mess... I sent him a message letting him know that he could get the kids from my moms but she wanted to know when he was gonna get them but if he had something going "I'm sure they'd love to have them longer." his last response after learning my oldest had to work and he'd need to get them was... "do the boys want to stay with your parents or hang with me?"

I could not imagine that coming from my mouth ever, if I was in his shoes... I asked the boys what they wanted to do- the youngest "rather see granny bc I haven't seen her in a while" middle son "I dont care- that's my new attitude." OMG... I sent that back to him...

He called the house and spoke with the boys several hours later. They are going with him- "laser tag wins" lol

here's the deal- I had to call him back to discuss times... I do not want it going through the kids they are 12 and 6... we are the adults... well he said 10 pm saturday... I said at 10 not later- his response well you were not here last week when I dropped em off... I said the time changed- and I was 10 min. up the road- ya could have dropped them off and left... his response I'm not going to do that you need to be here.... OMG... our 18 year old was here....OMG.... this is the man that PROMISED me he'd be home one night a week to watch the kids when I had a night class and CONVINCED me it was ok for the 10 and 4 year old to be alone for 2 hours...OMG are you freaking serious... I brought that up and he said "well I'm just not gonna do that, let's not bring the past up." .... OMG are you serious!!!

I really don't understand why when I talk with him he has a "hateful, ugly tone" I dont get it... I am trying to be nice... I just don't get it... ugh

On the flip side... tonights gonna be fun- I'm going out with some GF's to a free public concert and a little dinner, Saturday I hanging at my mom's for games and dinner for father's day- and sunday- I just dont know yet, I'll find something to do.

I'm not looking forward to discussing the house repairs with him at all!

I had a great weekend. I went out with girlfriends one night, my parents on Saturday for Fathers Day and to some friends for dinner today. It's refreshing to stay busy when the boys are gone with their dad.

OMG their dad... 1st did I get a thank you for the father's day gift... heck no... it wasn't much- but it was a the word dad spelled out with a coil picture holder on the top of each letter- with two recent photos of each boy... he told them thanks- as if they did anything other than the 6 year old picking it out... of course I have to remember I did that so they would feel good about giving him something and not stress like they did over being told "i'll take you shopping" and then not following through with it...

Then he sits at the kitchen table and wants to know what assets I want... he will forgo everything in the house... then he said everything else should be equitable... really what is equitable when we are talking about walking out and leaving me with no job- three kids- in this market. Then he is trying to minimize his take home pay- saying it is about 50K less than what he takes home... he is wanting to only look at his take home pay- he is not accounting for the extra deductions that are coming out- like retirement and the health flex account...

he then said- well that doesnt matter bc the judge sets that- child support- we have nothing to do with that. I informed him that is the minimum- if you wanted to ensure your kids lived in a home equally as nice as the neighborhood either of you OW lives in you could provide more. He said nothing...

He stated he is willing to take all the bills- which amounts to right now about 25K- not including the foundation work or any other work to sell the house...

he is trying to convince me to take the house and leave his retirement... I've told him not only no but Heck no... he suggested I cash in my share of the 401k to buy a house- NOPE. I informed him that was money I also went without to retire on, not to live on... plus I'd be hit with tons of penalties which would not help

My offer was 100K cash (from sell of the house) and 60% of 401k and pension- and he can take all the bills.

He balked at the 100K saying he didn't have that- I told him either it comes from the sell of the house or take a loan against his retirement. He complained saying well then I'd have nothing- bc I'd get nothing from the sell of the house and have a loan to repay... I said well you make a lot more money than me... plus you wanted out of this marriage it's gonna cost you...

OMG, he had the nerve to say- we both wanted out of it... I said NO only you. I wanted to work on it, to go to counseling, I believed we could get back on track... he then said our behaviors stated we did not want the M... I said really what were mind that said this... he said nothing... I then said- see it was you who wanted to eat lunch with women and work all the time... it was those behaviors that was causing the problem... no a word.

I wish I would have said 70/30 split... oh well... I havent mentioned the banked leave and the money from that- so maybe that will come in at court.

When we were talking about the money, I kept saying the market is bad- I'm looking everywhere- places I really don't want to work and areas (1 1/2 hours away) he stated- well that's not gonna work for you- I said really- you've left me little option... I've talked with the boys- they understand things are gonna change... they understand they will be with a sitter until 8 pm if I get this job- bc I have little choice- you made that happen... then our 6 year old walked in and he said I don't want to talk about this- I say- well they know bc we've discussed it- they are aware of the situation.

I was so flipping mad when he left- oh and one of our AC's went out... so I was hot on top of that... and he tried telling me we didn't have money in our checking account for an AC... I said well leave me your credit card bc mine is about full and I need it in case my car has problems... he started to balk- then I said "I wonder what the judge will say about me and these three boys sitting in this house (105* today) with no air, while your sitting at your gf house in the AC" He said fine get it fixed.

What a Jack Wagon...

I think the AC was frozen...I turned it off and went to a friends for dinner- when I came home I flipped it on and it turned on... praise Jesus! It feels like it is cooling off.



okay I'm done venting... he just ticked me off...

Hi HF

B-lated!

Haven't been on MB in days.... We took the boys camping in the mountains and just got back. Trying to catch up on how you are doing.

How did the interview go? and good luck tomorrow.

Yes, Ouch! on the foundation! and I know you are no where near "dating" yet, it's just kinda fun to laugh about it.

Glad to hear you are having some good days. You still have a roller coaster of a ride ahead of you, but you can do it. I look back at my sit one year ago and wonder how the He$$ I ever made it through.

I like the idea (your little one had) of wrapping up something your STBX left at home. (like some dirty socks or smelly old shoes)haha

ok, gotta get busy on the "mount st helens" size pile of camp fire smelling laundry in my laundry room.

Thanks for the birthday wish, glad ya had some fun.

Well, well- my day has been not so good. First off, I had requested on the computer my stxh password and login for his pay stub bc it automated- well he's been locked out and I requested a new password to be sent to the house- well he did not like this at all. He was hot... I explained to him I was trying to figure out how he got a raise but it did seem like it in the deposits... he stated he provided everything to the attorney and I need to trust him... HA! I asked so what's the name of the Ow your sleeping with- he stated it was not my business- I replied we are still married so it is my business. I said we can always subpena all your co-workers to court to testify...his reply was the judge will not care and it's a waste of the courts time- besides what good will it do you- your only being difficult- I stated nothing...

anyway, as the conversation went on he stated he did not like the 60/40 split and 100k from the house- he wants it 50/50 all the way and he'll take the bills. We talked about how he walked without me having a job and how hard it is to find a job now- he stated "maybe he'd take the kids bc he could provide for them better then me." I asked what he meant by that- he stated "I'm the one with the job- I guess that's between me and my attorney."

I told him I would not lose the kids, my family is prepared to help me fight for them if needed- so bring it on.

He then said, "if I wasn't being so difficult the kids wouldn't be an issue." OMG... I am so mad and scared. What the hell?!?

So I sent my attorney some questions and asked her thoughts. I will let you know.

I have been documenting when he calls and when he's late (even 20min)- I am thankful for that.

I hate this...

Stop talking to him.

your right

Agreed. No need to waste a perfectly good birthday.

H.F....I haven't discussed in detail yet with my friend about being my intermediary, even though she has offered this to me, about a week or so ago. She's a smart girl, so she could figure out pretty quickly what that entails. I've summed it up to her already that basically she would be a "filter" for me.

Are you interested in you and I being each other's intermediaries? We know MB, whereas my friend does not.

What do you think?

as long as he has turned in all the info in to the attorney, I wouldnet even discuss it with him.


at this point in the process I don't think you can have a productive conversation with him. An IM is a great idea. If I can help let me know. MJ also had a great idea of being each others IM


Did you get a PI? %10 is %10!

I can't imagine what your going through. You are doing great. Keep up the good work and try not to let your emotions get in the way...easy for me to say...

Yet another member of the chorus

"Stop talking to him"

I understand the benefit of not talking with him. I get it. It is difficult to not do as we have children and we need to divide up 18.5 years worth of assets. Here is the problem, I forget I'm dealing with someone who is acting like they are 19. If he was acting like a reasonable 40 year old man it would play out differently.

He will not do the IM. I suggested that long ago. So I guess we can hash it out with a mediator or in court. I'm ready to be done with him.

The PI, well I have had no luck with one. They are not real reliable. As in I'd get the information together they needed and plan to meet and they didn't meet me. Or they'd not call back. I did talk to an investigate attorney- which I would so use if they had in my county. He was willing to work with me- but it was gonna be the same as attorney fees.

Then I was told that to have a solid case there needs to be photos of them practically "going at it" otherwise his attorney could dismiss it away. So using the investigate attorney only would be the way to go- as it's only one fee...

So I've given up on that.

I had an interview today, I think it went well- I just don't know if it is the population of people I want to work with- juveniles who can accept services with this agency or go to jail- oh and they really dont have to comply and they really will not go to jail- it's going out to the homes, working with gang bangers, drug dealers, truancy cases- etc I just dont know.

I hear you. I got a call yesterday to schedule a phone interview with a company I Do Not Want to work for. However, I want to work. So I'll do the interview, but re-double my efforts to apply to places I'd rather work for.

I have another interview next week- straight face to face- thank God, I tend to do okay once I get in there. I wish I could just go in there and say listen, I'm a hard worker... I know this stuff... I really need a job because my STXWH walked out and I have to provide for three kids... Please give it to me... I will be the best employee you have bc I will not want to loose this job... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hire me... lol

I had a good day with my middle son... he opened up and talked about his feelings regarding his dad and the D... I was nice and he seems to have a lighter load on his shoulders tonight. He is much like his dad- where he keeps things bottled up- I've said to him a couple times that I need him to talk more and not be that way... today I approached it another way...

I told him he is part me, a fighter- someone who will not let others walk over them- or if I feel like I've been pitched in the trash by someone, I dust the junk off me- stand up, work it out- talk it out and move forward... I told him that is in him too, I see it in him- and to make it grow (his voice) we need to feed it, to use it... and boy he did... he talked about his feelings, I'm so proud of him

He is upset his dad left, confused that he'd rather work, yet has fun with him when they are together...

Regarding me he feels safe bc he knows I'd never leave, well cared for- which makes him feel safe, but misses the time we spent together bc I'm looking for a job so much... we talked about things I thought we were doing together that were fun- hanging out with friends at a pool, going to the drive in etc- yet he simply misses talking, cooking dinner together, and playing board games. I told him I was proud he shared that and now that I know what he needs I would be all over it. I'm so happy.

What a great conversation you had with your boy, and what a great way to help him open up. Good on you!