In my friend's case neither one was willing to reconcile because of the case. Which my friend, the BW, won, and she won a very nice settlement out of the skank ho and the WH.

Sure it happens sometimes both ways, but once the BW has been awarded a nice settlement it makes it kind of hard for those involved to work things out. The case did kill the afair, but it didn't bring the BW and WH back together.

Mel,

Do you think a *threat* of such a case can bring them back together, but going through and settling for $$$ and finalizing such a case could cause the opposite reaction?

It's something I've been pondering the past few weeks due to the above friend and talking to her (numerous) ex's after her death. Some of which she was the OW some of which she was the BW.

It's been a study in adultery.

If they were serious, then nothing would have stopped them. Couples who are serious about reconciliation let nothing stop them. And anger over affair fighting steps are nothing more than a sign of the fog.

I disagree. This has not been my experience on this board. As Dr Harley counsels, cause as much conflict as possible in the affair and DON'T cooperate. This is all part and parcel of that advice. An affair is more likely to die if the legal proceedings are wicked to the affair.

I wholeheartedly agree.

My friend was the queen of grudge holding, that probably had something to do with it.

I will certainly bow to your experience and knowledge.

I completely agree that any pressure/drama/holy hell you can create in the affair and subsequent proceedings are a huge advantage in killing the fantasy of the affair...nothing will be easy for them...ever! I sent OW a notorized "no contact" letter on behalf of my minor children citing any contact with my children in any manner will be vigorously pursued civilly and criminally. (I have documented all the emotional trauma children have suffered as a result of the affair. Counseling records to confirm) My WS and OW will NOT live happily ever after. I have a copy of letter if anyone interested, it also states no trespassinh on any property I own, co-own etc.

My goal is to reconcile, who knows if this will work. Either way I feel adultery/infidelity should have consequences so I'm pursuing this action. Unfortunately the ultimate costs will be at least four zeroes.

I have a legal question if anyone can answer. What's the process of deposing someone if I don't know the address but my wife does?

If you can't find the address yourself...you could include the question in your interrogatories (list of written questions) that you lawyer sends her and await the answer. You can send multiple interrogatories in most states so maybe shoot off a quick short on up front with the question is important (depending on how important the witness is). Hope you can find it on your own first.

You will likely name the person on your witness list too.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks for answering Mr Wondering...one last question...it might sound stupid but i hope it makes sense...there's a group of 50-60 people that I don't actually want to depose but want to use the threat of a deposition to hopefully gain leverage in divorce...do you think that sending the interrogatories asking for their addresses would be the best way to do that or is there another option?

abc098,

You're wasting your money. You have no kids. She has no incentive to return and all the legal shenannigans simply serves to reinforce her attitude about you.

If you truly want her to have positive memories from a Plan A, then make this quick and painless.

I'd advise differently if you had kids, but you don't.

You're seriously wasting just a ton of money. Might as well go into your backyard and burn it.

Making divorce difficult works if kids are involved and there is a family to preserve so long as it is done intelligently and with the goal of dragging things out and letting the consequences of losing custody defog a WW.

You don't have that, so you're only reinforcing her view of you and throwing away your money.

If you want to get OM's address quickly and easily, then pay a PI to get it for you. They have access to things you don't.

But again, it's a waste of money with no kids in the picture.