I am afraid to... I have kids to take care of, there isnt anyone else to care for them if I end up hospitalized... especially since WH still needs to work, as he's the only source of income... I may not be the best parent right now, but I am here, able to hug them, cook for them, tuck them in and do whatever I can to keep their lives as normal as I can... is it the best they deserve? no... they deserve so much better, but I am protecting them as best I can right now... God this sucks

What do you want from us?

I have no idea... just someone to talk to, I guess...

Can't care for your kids if you can't take care of you:

U.S. Helplines

NDMDA Depression Hotline � Support Group 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696

Thank you Surfer... I am not suicidal, but I will definitely consider calling the other line tomorrow, when WH is at work... he should be home soon, and this is just not something I want to be dealing with while he is here. Never heard of NDMDA before, I appreciate the info, very much

You're welcome, sweetie. Do NOT self-medicate, OK? You're not qualified, and you will deem yourself useless to yourself and your babies.

Is there family or a friend that can spend some time with you tonight? Just a friendly face that can give you a big hug like this (((((Eliaana97)))))?

I wish there was Surfer... thats probably why I came here today... I moved here to Texas from Canada to be with WH, and have had a hard time meeting anyone here, being a small town... its been a very lonely 6 years.

thank you again... I didnt know about the other line, and i didnt want to take time away from the suicide lines from people who really need it.

I just read your thread. So sorry that you are here .. but its the best place to be in a situation like yours. I read that you are having financial troubles to gain ground on the snooping. Here is a link to a Free keylogger that is great!

www.desktopshark.com

Hopefully you will find that tool useful. You can also view the screen shots (even tho it claims the screen shots dont work) in the hidden folder it creates right where the windows folder is .. located at c:/ all you have to do to see it is change the folder options to view hidden folders (try searching HELP on windows for hidden files and folders) and it will appear. Make sure to turn off updates too or once in a while you will get a screen splash at start up when it tries to update.

Good luck!

I'm sorry. But, those lines are there for a reason, just like this place is. You're not wasting anyone's time.

Stay here AND go there...

thank you surfer... I only meant that since I am not on the brink of suicide, I didnt want to take the attention away from someone who is... they dont need to sit on hold while I whine about my problems. But I am grateful for the info on the other line, I will feel more comfortable calling someone for depression support away from a suicide line. Thank you again for posting it for me

niceguy, thank you for the post... I will look into desktopshark tomorrow, when I hopefully have a clearer mind. I definitely need some sort of android phone spyware, since most of his stuff is on his phone these days, but this will definitely help.

They won't be on hold. Don't worry about that if you need someone to talk to.

Also consider getting some exercise. It doesn't have to be at a gym and you don't need fancy equipment.

Load up the kids and head to the park.

If there's a hike/bike trail near you, get out there and go for a fast walk. Or bike.

Let your H watch the kids for half an hour and walk briskly around your neighborhood. For half an hour. You should be walking fast enough to work up a light sweat.

Exercise will release endorphins that will help battle the depression.

Get that keylogger. You need resolution.

thank you Martialbliss... i will definitely try to do that at a time that isnt unhealthy (this stupid 110 degree heat just wont let up around here)

maybe if I could find a way to drop some weight, I'd feel better about myself... previous attempts have failed but I guess I need to try again soon

For quick and dirty checking up on text messages that he might be deleting, use SMS Backup http://lifehacker.com/5458083/back-up-your-sms-messages-to-a-gmail-label-on-android

He should have associated a gmail account with his phone, do you have or can you get the password? Install the app from the app market (it's free), set his username and passwod and all his texts will be uploaded to his gmail account which you can view online at mail.google.com. Make sure to set them as being marked read or he'll get a notification every time one is uploaded.

Another option is DexRex, but the free option only allows 150 messages per month, the regular plan starts at 2.95 p/month.

If you don't have the password, you can get it if he's not super sharp. I got my WHs by installing DesktopShark (free), then sent him an email with desktop backgrounds that I asked him to log in and download to the computer with DesktopShark installed on. After he went to bed, I just checked the log and voila! I had his username and password.

Tickytock, I do have complete access to his gmail account, but so does he via his android... we have been in constant email contact for 8 years, we email each other all day long and with his current phone, he uses his gmail account to email me so we arent limited to a certain number of characters per text.

Is it possible to set this up to MY gmail account? otherwise he'll know the moment something is sent to his gmail, his phone is set to ding each time an email is recieved, so he ALWAYS knows when something comes in... I swear, that damn phone is like a 3rd hand, its ALWAYS present.. i'm able to get my hands on it if i stay up later than he does (although it may be more difficult now, as he's riding the couch after his last revelation)

I will look further into this, thank you for bringing it to my attention

Hang on there, sister. I'm not going to let you get off that easy!

Exercising in the house:
Jog in place. If you have an open-floor layout, jog in a circle through your house. For five minutes. Work up to ten. Then twenty.

Jumping Jacks: 20 to start. Set higher goals.

Lifting: you don't need fancy weights. Lift a bag of flour (3 lbs, work up to 5) Fill a reusable water bottle and do arm lifts with that. Or use milk jugs or water jugs.

Leg lifts: 20 each side, work up to 50.

Dance: with the kids - they love that!

Climb the stairs. Three times up and down. Work up to ten times. Work up to running up them.

Google 'exercise at home' for other ideas. This is especially critical if you are unhappy with the condition of your body. I understand that - just a few pounds, and I'm bumming. Plan it: 1/2 an hour a day straight. You want to work up a light sweat.

More weight loss stuff: eat a light breakfast. Feel good that you didn't over-eat.
Eat a healthy lunch. Take your time making it. Enjoy the process.
Eat a light dinner. You just don't need gravy and potatoes. Truly. Go for protein and vegetables.

Make a shopping list to reflect healthy choices. Make a menu of healthy choices and stick with it. You won't die without pasta (I was surprised to find! )

The added benefit? Your children are watching you and will model you. Give them a healthy model.

All of this will help you to feel good about yourself, and that will help your depression.

Yup, great advise, MB.

I like to angry-jump/dance ala (in my mind) Flashdance's "Maniac" replaced by Godsmack's "Crying Like A B--ch" until I am too exhausted to breathe.

Picture THAT mess! LOL!

Eli: do everything suggested here, just for YOU. Small, silly things maybe at first (?), but you've gotta do them.

OK I feel really stupid right now, it didn't even occur to me to send to my own account. I guess I thought it *had* to be the same account that was on the phone or if he looked it would see his info. We'll just assume that I was so out of my mind with the A that the obvious was escaping me.

I just did a test with a gmail account different than my phone is registered with and it worked fine, so you can have them sent directly to yours. I would probably make a new one with a generic name like "backup8765@gmail.com" (the last 4 numbers being the last 4 of his telephone number, so if he finds it and looks, it's doesn't seem immediately like what it is. If you do and he does see it and tries to access, make sure the security questions are NOT ones he could answer.

Also note, though, when you check the setting to mark as read, it doesn't send a notification of a new message. It stores them under the SMS label (or whatever you want to label them) as read threads. You can find the labels on the left bar when you're viewing mail.google.com. When I tried it with Outlook Express, all the messages went to the inbox so you would have to move them yourself to a folder or make mail rules (note: I'm not sure if you can in Outlook Express, but you definitely can in Outlook).

Hope this helps!!