After husband's actions didn't prove his remorse and there being no movement forward for the marriage, I called the other woman. She wasn't home. Her husband answered. I tried to get off saying that I would call back, he persisted in knowing who was calling. So, I said, "I would rather not tell you until I figure out what is going on between your wife and my husband." BOY, did he have some things to tell me.

I told H's parents again, everything.

He was livid with me. Telling me that I put his life in danger b/c her H was crazy. Still mad at me to this day "Can't forgive me" because I told things of such personal nature!!!!!! Can you believe that? I really can't imagine ANYONE doing the things he has done and having the gall to be mad at me like he is. He is REALLY lost.

He is just done with me. That is ok, because I deserve better. He is just so messed up! Funny tho, he says that he is just fine, I am the crazy one.

I know better now. I think the affair ended back then as she lives in Wisconsin, but who knows? I have tried and tried to find another phone, but never have. Actually, at this point, I don't really care. She can have him. They deserve eachother.

Over time, I have told other good friends, looking for support, but never actually exposed as I was told by all of you. I see the error in that now. I know ya'll say do as we say!!!!! Looking back, I see why I shoul have. On the other hand, he can't love. This is probably the best thing for me!!!

Littlebit,

Here's your original thread. Littlebit's original thread

Please reread the advice and ask the mods to merge your two threads so we can help you.

Thank you ML, I will keep reading this over and over!!! I need to get that in my head.

I do not work. I would like to hol off on that if I can, but may not have that luxury. I would like to be around to help the kids through this and not have everything change in their life at once.

I have started considering who to ask to be IM.

I have also begun compiling information for Plan B letter. I have to get all the financial (gambling) info ready for the attorney, so that is the first thing on my list.

I will re-read my other thread. I meant to put that into one of my previous posts a little bit ago. Sorry about that. I will do that!!!

When do you see your lawyer again?

You're documenting everything? DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

You're a SAHM and that will be in your favor.

I would set a Plan B date. When can you get to this?

Thank you letty for your caring words. I will do as you and the others say. I KNOW I am going to need ya'll's help!!!

I will see if I can figure out how to ask the mods to merge my threads.

Just hit notify at the bottom right corner of each post.

OK, I clicked the notify and asked.

BrainHurts, It is going to take me a while to get all the gambling records, taxes, etc.... They said to get that together then schedule the appt. I have to do this when H is not home, and I am actually home. Summer is a busy time to do this as I am a taxi for my children.

So, give me a chance to get this info together. I will scheule with the attorney as soon as I have that information ready. Then I should have a more clear time frame for Plan B.

BTW, I have seen an attorney before for advice. I live in a no-fault state. Child support and alimony is a formula. I will have to ask for special considerations as H has spent all of our money on gambling (not spent on the family - rolled debt into mortgage- TWICE.) I am fairly confident in how this will play out. You never know tho. The judge might not consider the special considerations request. They favor 50/50 here. The woman has to go back to work. They automatically assign her at least a minimum wage job, then work the formula between the two salaries. Not fair, huh?!!!!!

Boy, they merged quickly!!!

I am trying my best to keep track of the gambling, but at this point what else is there to document?

I should document his never really spending much time with the kids. ????

Courts here will still award 50/50 as you basically have to prove as an unfit parent to have it favor one parent over the other.

Did you read the documenting thread I linked?

Document all facts, but also journal.

Yes not spending time with kids. Please make sure it's in a safe place.

BH, duh!!! No, I didn't look at the document thread, because I didn't realize it was a link to a thread!!!!! I thought it was capitalized for emphasis!!! duh!!

I will read it in a bit.

I wanted to post this on your thread also because you asked on another thread.

Here on Plan C (which is not a MB plan) and listen to the clips at the end of Dr. Harley talking about Plan C.

BSs... Plan C is not a Plan

In a custody evaluation psychological examinations may be ordered.
Document everything about addictions because that may win you custody.

In the meantime try to focus on your recovery from being married to an addict.
You should consider joining AlAnon. It is the best support group out there for spouses of addicts.

It helped me in my custody evaluation. The evaluator asked why I allowed all the bizarre behavior that always accompanies marriage to an addict to continue.
I explained I was a passive spouse in an unhealthy codependent relationship. I explained I was attending AlAnon meetings to improve myself.
It was viewed favorably by the Evaluator because they don't want us spouses to go back into unhealthy relationships. They want our kids to be safe.
Show them you are improving yourself while you document your husbands actions.

Thank you BrainHurts for responding to my thread and for continuing to try to help me. I saw your post on the other thread and went and read that whole Plan C thread. Boy, that is where I am. I think I sound tougher than I am. I am numb, lost, can't focus and falling apart. I have stayed in this WAAAY too long, cried waaaayy too much, for what?

HDW, thank you so much for the information and advice. I think I will seriously look at Al Anon now. I have looked them up before, but was scared that I might know someone there and bring "more embarassment" upon my husband. I never talked to anyone about any of his actions for 14 years. I just bottled it up inside and it destroyed me, who I was, the woman, person and mom I could be. He is mad at me for betraying him. "How could you talk about things of "that nature" with anyone else?" He is not sorry that he did it, he is just embarassed that I have spoken to some friends/family about it and THEY know.

I feel so.....empty. I live in a no-fault state. They give 50/50 custody unless something huge has happened and has to be proven. I am hoping that the proof for the gambling addiction can help me with custody. He isn't there for them anyway, even when he is home. Can you tell me anything else about how to deal with his addictions?

Thank you both so much. I am getting the financials ready. He has been home pretty much every day, and I am just able to do a little at a time. This is going to take a while.

The best way to deal with his addictions is AlAnon
YOU cannot "deal" with them anyway. You re powerless over an addiction.
AlAnon can teach you to emotionally detach from your husband and become sane again.

It is an anonymous program. What is discussed in AlAnon meeting remains unsaid after the meeting. The program is really about YOUR recovery from his addictions.

For those who are still with me. I am needing some help today. I have been crying for 2 days. At this juncture, I am not going to plan B him. I am going to plan D immediately.

Two nights ago, I told him that it has been over two years since I told him to stop his behaviors and choose us, our marriage, our family, and he has not. He has not done one thing to show his remorse, no transparancy, still lives his secret second life. He mocked me, made sarcastic faces at me, blamed me for my "sin of detraction" about him. He is angry that I have talked about the things he has done with people. I have seeked out help, solace, advice from trusted friends and family members. HE HATES IT!! Throughout the whole conversation, all I kept telling him was, "See, all you care about is what other people think, not what you did or how your actions are destroying your family." He kept denying that he cared about that, but throughout the whole conversation, he just kept referring to what I said to this person, or what that person thought, or that I made him look bad, etc. So, I kept pointing out, again, you don't care about how that hurt me/us, just how you look. Then he started grasping for straws throwing everything but the kitchen sink that I always do wrong into the conversation to throw me off. I wasn't having it. He took a shower, then said, "I am gonna meet Scott." This is almost 8:00pm. Out of the blue. So, he left. I texted him, "enjoy Scott." He thought he was texting "Scott" back, and texted me, "This is what she texted me, enjoy Scott." This was a friend of his that he told me that he hadn't told anything to. The anger I started having was instant. So, I said, "You told Scott? What did you tell him?" He said, "I told him some stuff." I told him that I know he told Scott what he wanted him to know. "Did you tell him about your affairs?" Did you tell him all the lies and deceipt that would make me act like this?" "Did you tell him everything?" I said, you are worried about my sin of detraction of you, you just did it to me. He laughted. I said when you tell helf truths, lies of ommission, and not tell what you are actually doing that I am responding to, you make me look crazy. He just mocked me, made faces at me and just denied everything. He is not even remotely sorry for NEVER being faithful to me or NEVER treating me with any dignity. I am falling apart. Please give me some advice.