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Bumping for some newbies who are vying for the ever coveted Exposure Award from their WS'!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is a great post by the way, even if the poster who made it is from that other neighboring country of "Texas".
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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This is a great post by the way, even if the poster who made it is from that other neighboring country of "Texas". God Bless Texas!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We have some Exposure Award candidates today!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel,
Fantastic post, Please keep it bumped up.
"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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Will someone please hand the envelope to Mel so she can tell us the nominees?
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**SNORT** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ml,
I think some of the confusion regarding exposure is knowing "when" to expose.
In SAA it says a 6 month time limit for plan a is about average for most couples. He goes on to say that during those six months, avoid doing anything that would upset the WS.
In reading about Jon & Sue's case, the 6 month time limit for plan A was never completed because Sue made the decision to leave Jon. At that point Jon continued with his plan, and went to plan B. It wasn't clear in the book when or if Jon exposed the affair.
I also didn't see anything in Basic Concepts about the timing of exposure.
Anyone else know from either reading Harley books, or from discussing with one of the Harley's? To answer CSue's question, we have Dr Harley's newsletter and his recent revision in His Needs, Her Needs, chapter on Infidelity, to address the exposure question. From his published newsletter: The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors. and Whenever a betrayed spouse tells me that they�ve just discovered their spouse�s affair, my advice is almost always the same: Let others know about it. Tell your children, family, friends, clergy, and especially the lover�s spouse, if they have one. And this is even to be done during what I call plan A (making an effort to make as many Love Bank deposits, and as few withdrawals as possible). The problem some people have with that strategy is that it conflicts with the goal of plan A because it�s likely to cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. An unfaithful spouse almost always considers such exposure to be a worse act of betrayal than their affair itself. But the alternative, helping the unfaithful spouse to keep the affair a secret, is enabling the addiction, prolonging the agony. In the long run, making the affair public knowledge without any forewarnings, threats, or bartering (which by themselves can create massive withdrawals) actually reduces the number of Love Bank withdrawals made by the betrayed spouse. It�s my opinion that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've been here for a few years and I don't recall reading this gem.
So... bump.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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It IS good. But now I have the song God Bless Texas stuck in my head. 
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Timely post. I don't know what I expected, but a grudging NC and him crying on the couch for her was not it.
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Ignore it, Sersph. It's hard, but ignore it.
So many FWS (former wayward spouses) thank their BS (betrayed spouss) for exposure. Hang on.
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Just wanted to make something clear since we seem to have several new folks who are becoming quite freaked at the angry response of their WS when they are exposed, confronted, etc. They are under the illusion that an angry response = failure. It is anything BUT. It is an expectation.The WS will not give you a hug and a kiss for exposing them. You ain't going to get a medal. Your marriage will not be the A&E Chick Flick movie of the week the night after exposure. Your marriage will not be ready for prime time the day after you confront the OM. Your H will will not send you roses for exposing his affair. Your reward comes later when the affair is killed and recovery is made possible by your efforts. Instead, expect fury, anger, poison, threats, punishment. Expect classic statements like: "Now our marriage is really over. I was going to work on our marriage, but now I'm not." "You are trying to control me." "yada, yada, yada........" WE HAVE HEARD IT ALL!!  I guess the problem I'm having is that I'm expecting these emotions/reactions and the anxiety I'm having is making me sick and depressed. In a way it is good to read this because it confirms the very worst about what I am expecting....but at the same time it only makes me more sick that it confirms what I already thought. Maybe my marriage really will be over after I make a confrontation? I hope not! I want to go in feeling confident and in control....and although I feel like I have everything on my side - I feel anything but confident and in control!
When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
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it confirms the very worst about what I am expecting....but at the same time it only makes me more sick that it confirms what I already thought. Maybe my marriage really will be over after I make a confrontation? I hope not! I want to go in feeling confident and in control....and although I feel like I have everything on my side - I feel anything but confident and in control! You won't be feeling "sick" and scared after you expose. The point is these exposed affairs DON'T result in divorces, they result in recovered marriages. Exposure is the most effective, powerful tool you have against the affair, bar none. There are no guarantees but this is your best chance. Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says: " Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." hereNOT exposing is the most likely to lead to divorce because affairs thrive on secrecy. By keeping it a secret, you ENABLE it and it becomes more and more entrenched. Dr Harley tells people "it is hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler" in this radio clip: here Typically, the BS feels EUPHORIC because they have made a decided blow against the affair. The affair starts crumbling once it is exposed. They feel back in control of their lives for the first time in weeks or months. Almost every BS who exposes comes back and says "I can't believe I didn't do it sooner!!" As BobPure [in a recovered marriage] says, exposure changed me from a SERF into a KNIGHT. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure, but it can't survive an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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After reading this and seeing that my WW has managed to maintain her anger towards since mid-February - what is the range of time the anger can last? Is it a year? Two years? That's the tough one for me and I know that I'm in for a long haul.
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
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After reading this and seeing that my WW has managed to maintain her anger towards since mid-February - what is the range of time the anger can last? Is it a year? Two years? That's the tough one for me and I know that I'm in for a long haul. It can last as long as the FOG lasts. Anger over exposure is a result of the FOG. Once the affair ends and the fog rolls off, they are no longer angry. This is why I say when you expose, do it good enough to kill the affair! A trickle exposure, for example, is just enough to tick off the WS but not enough to kill an affair. However, when it effectively kills the affair, the anger over exposure can last anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks. IF the WS remains angry, that just means they are still fogged out, and a marriage can't recover anyway if a WS is fogged out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr Harley addresses this here: "Many betrayed spouses are afraid that exposure will drive the unfaithful spouse further away. While it�s true that unfaithful spouses usually feel betrayed and angry when their affair is exposed, I regard that reaction as being part of the fog that most addicts experience. When the fog has finally lifted, and the source of addiction no longer has control, the value of exposure is usually conceded by the addict himself."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I understand what this is saying....but I still feel sick about it. I worry about suicidal thoughts and other repercussions that I don't feel I can share here.
Mostly posting that I'm scared here because I need encouragement...and am trying to deal one on one with a few people on the more sticky situations.
When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
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I understand what this is saying....but I still feel sick about it. I worry about suicidal thoughts and other repercussions that I don't feel I can share here.
Mostly posting that I'm scared here because I need encouragement...and am trying to deal one on one with a few people on the more sticky situations. Of course you feel sick about it. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't. This is a situation where it is best to put your emotions aside, though, if you want to make it. In order to save your marriage, you have to be able to put aside your fears and follow a well thought out strategy. And yes, suicide is a very real threat. BS's commit suicide, have nervous breakdowns and suffer post traumatic stress disorder from this type of abuse. Those who take strong action and follow this plan DON'T because they feel empowered. Not exposing serves to ENABLE and prolong the affair. The only suicides I know of around here were committed by BETRAYED spouses whose spouses did not end the affair. And in every instance it was a BS who did nothing to stop the affair. An ongoing affair is so traumatic and painful to the BS that many end up having nervous breakdowns and/or suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder. They stayed paralyzed in FEAR. The BS's who are able to put aside their FEARS and follow a strategy do not feel as depressed and hopeless, they feel EMPOWERED and in control of their lives. FEAR will not save your marriage, it will keep you paralyzed with indecision. FEAR is not a plan and if you are serious about saving your marriage, you do not have the luxury of catering to your fears. As far as the WS goes, not exposing is the most likely to lead to suicide. And let me explain WHY. For the WS, an affair causes enormous inner turmoil and depression. Just imagine how you would feel inside if you were committing some crime in violation of your conscience? It does not bring one happiness, but intense shame, anxiety and depression. Just imagine a crack head who just had the crack pipe taken away. At first he is furious and so sad to have lost his crack pipe. But once he begins sobering up, he feels intense relief and gratitude. See, most addicts [and I include adulterers because it is the SAME dynamic] do not know HOW to stop. They need intervention from those who love them. I have never known of a WS who committed suicide and that is because they are too selfish and self focused. Even so, exposure will lessen the odds of suicide because the affair is the source of depression. After the initial shock and fury, most WS' report they felt RELIEVED the affair was exposed because they had no choice but to end a bad situation that was making them sick inside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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