Had a great bike ride, but I'm sad. I had lots of thought running through my head how I suspect some of his family members are siding with WH and how they are mad at me for exposing. I even had a chat with my Dad, who by the way has a long term relation with his affair partner, going on for 12 years, go figure.

And this is funny, how waywards just don't get out of the fog if not properly exposed. My dad said that my father in law would probably be really mad at me as it would hurt the business. I replied "Well, don't blame me for that, I'm not the one who had the affair, I'm not the one that crossed that boundary. The only thing I did is tell the truth, to safe my marriage and get rid of the skunk ho's that were rotting the inside".

But it did made me realize what an incredibly uphill battle this is. The family is full of affairs, and it is always treated hush hush, so nobody is happy that there is a victim who speaks up and airs the dirty laundry. There is no accountability for actually having done the damage by the WS, but I will be the boogie man for exposing. Some aunts have sent me hugs.

I have not heard from his parents. They were quick to respond when I sent 4th of July pictures, but I haven't heard from them yet. That will be interesting. Either they tell their son to shape up and fix things, or not. I'm actually not expecting much help from them. That actually IS a problem.

What a battle.

Sigh..... out of the mouth of 5 year old daughter

"If Dad loved me he would be here fixing my heart"

Your inlaws will likely fear upsetting their child. Whatever makes you happy is ingrained. Sometimes, though, a MIL has secretly had to deal with affairs unbeknownst to everyone else and occasionally will finally step up and try to straight out her son.

Nice job exposing. In the long run, if it doesn't work, you and the kids will be far away from having to deal with any fallout from exposure.

patience. going to plan b requires a letter, setting up and intermediary, setting up any temp custody/visitation plan, etc. Until then, you are still in plan a. Bake some cookies so that if he does walk back in the door it smell like home.

Mr. Wondering

I sure am missing my husband right now.

Sorry, did not see your post.

We agreed that we would have no contact untill he either can commit 100% to the marriage and sent a NC letter out to his affair partners. Now that was last night. This morning and last afternoon I sent out all the exposure letters. I did not write, I should propably still do, any suggestions for a good plan B letter?

We do have an intermediare set up. He said he 'needed a couple of days' to figure this out and see if he could overcome his feeling of being betrayed by me. (at that point I had only exposed the affair partners to each other). He feels I like I trapped him. But he took the call, deleted the evidence, and was not going to tell me. That's when we figured that we needed some time apart. He could not commit to the marriage.

And that was all before I did the rest of the exposure this morning. That was to friends, family, facebook, work.

As a side not, many people have emailed me support, thank heavens, but also that they sent a good email to the affair partners about their despicable actions.

Yes, you will be better, regardless.

I love your perspective, hang on to it, and remember the rollercoaster goes up,,,, and,,,, down.

In other words,,,,

I thought you would have too much pride to tell anyone I was cheating.... Boy' o' Boy' did I get that one wrong. I'm gonna need some time to recalculate my next move.

And

I have feelings yanno', you should have told me you were gonna tell everyone my dirty little secrets ahead of time, how thoughtless.


We were betrayed by the truth

He sounds as stupid as I was while wayward!
Wasn't even original either, we all say that after exposure!!!

I remember a link to execute plan B correctly, but can't find it. Any ideas?

Dear R,
I write you this letter because I love you. Because I believe in marriage, and especially in our marriage. I believe our beautiful daughters need to grow up with their father present. I believe in a marriage where to people come together and the combination of the two is greater then 2 people individually. And in the past weeks of us working on recovery, I have felt madder in love with you then ever. I am grateful for learning about Emotional Needs and how to work on for filling each others needs. A marriage is never as exciting as an affair, as we have to pay bills, make decisions about the kids and other sometimes not so fabulous things.

I understand and support that you need time to figure this out, time to figure out to be truly committed to recovery, a total recovery, where there is going to be good and going to be bad, and not have the door on a crack to your affair partner(s) and escape when things get a little tough and we have to work through them.

To make sure the wall are around us, not in between us, I had to expose the affairs for what they truly are, and destroy the option of being able to return to them. I did it for our marriage and to actually safe it. To have a total focus on each other.

I love you, I know we can for fill each others needs better then anything. Family commitment, conversation, recreational time, honesty and openness and admiration. When you return, we will be here, we will love you.

M

Now I vaguely remember a slightly different approach, but I can't find an examples any more

I love you, I know we can for fill each others needs better then anything. Family commitment, conversation, recreational time, honesty and openness and admiration. When you return, we will be here, we will love you. Untill then, you will be in our hearts and our thoughts and we will eagerly await your return!

MFJ

Very good post about Plan B



Getting Ready for Plan B by Pepperband

Hope this helps. I would try to leave you rough draft out there through monday so you can get quite a few responses.

nESRE

MFJ

Another good one by MarriedForever

How to Plan B Correctly

nESRE

Dear R,
I write you this letter because I love you. Because I believe in marriage, and especially in our marriage. I believe our beautiful daughters need to grow up with their father present. I believe in a marriage where to people come together and the combination of the two is greater then 2 people individually. And in the past weeks of us working on recovery, I have felt madder in love with you then ever. I am grateful for learning about Emotional Needs and how to work on for filling each others needs. A marriage is never as exciting as an affair, as we have to pay bills, make decisions about the kids and other sometimes not so fabulous things. Yet at the same time I am thrilled with how we�ve managed to get things exciting again. I have truly enjoyed our bike rides and I look forward to so many more. Boy we were starting to kick some booty . I�m also thinking fondly of how we�ve started to rekindle that affection, and I think often of your hugs and tender kisses. And the sexual fulfillment, yeah, we got that one done just fine!

Because I started to realize how incredibly good things could be for us again, the hurt of the affair(s) and the continued contact was breaking my heart over and over again. The continued intrusions prevented us from truly becoming whole again. The walls around us were starting to build, but those continued intrusions were also rebuilding that wall in between us. Those continued intrusions were going to break us eventually again.

I understand and support that you need time to figure this out, time to figure out to be truly committed to recovery, a total recovery, where there is going to be good and going to be bad, and not have the door on a crack to your affair partner(s) and escape when things get a little tough and we have to work through them.

To make sure the wall are around us, not in between us, I had to expose the affairs for what they truly are, and destroy the option of being able to return to them. I did it for our marriage and to actually safe it. I hope you will see that telling the truth, no matter how painful it is/was, has torn down that wall that separated us from recovery. The truth may hurt, but rather build on solid grounds then mud, considering your job, I�m sure you�d agree.

I love you, I know we can for fill each others needs better then anything. Family commitment, conversation, recreational time, honesty and openness and admiration. When you return, we will be here, we will love you. Untill then, you will be in our hearts and our thoughts and we will eagerly await your return!

M

Do you REALLY understand??? There is nothing he "needs time to figure out". His wife and family need him. He's behaving like a selfish lunatic and you're going way overboard legitimizing and validating his hugely inappropriate and hurtful thoughts and behaviors.





Way too much teaching and explaining that he won't understand. You can't appeal to a wayward emotionally this much. Sure there are some "love letter" qualities to a plan letter but to many metaphors ruins the essence of a good letter. I think you should go back and start over much more in line with the MB script.

I love you
your actions are hurtful
we've reached a turning point
I'm removing myself from this situation
Until you meet xyz conditions you can only communicate with me through xyz intermediary.



I think in your situation you should go get a for sale by owner real estate sign and stick it in the front yard. You should give your wayward husband the idea that HE'S OUT OF TIME (which is the exact opposite of saying you understand he needs time). He doesn't need time when it's actually time for him to shape up or you (and the kids) are literally shipping out. I think the letter in your case should tell him that you ARE moving back to your home country so the children can start school there this fall. You can always drag your feet and delay it due to other reasons...but the letter should be bring the bottom up and forcing him to decide to do the right thing TODAY, instead of when he gets around to it.

This letter is telling him you love him and then removing yourself from the situation until he comes back humbled and repentant. You are delivering him the natural consequences of his behavior. This isn't your fault and you aren't being mean. Essentially, you are trying to pull the husband you love from the grips of evil. Nice doesn't work so well against evil. Hit 'em hard.


Mr. Wondering

Infidelity is emotional abuse of the highest degree. It's not much different than physical abuse.

Would anyone tell their physically abuse spouse: "I understand and support that you need time to figure this out"....while the physical abuse continues? No, I don't think so. Instead you say "STOp"..I won't stand here anymore and allow you to abuse me and I'm removing myself from this situation until you can commit and demonstrate you're able to control yourself and understand the depths of the hurt and betrayal you have done to me and this family."

Mr. W

Please don't sent that as is. Im not a good writer so can't really help tree but give it till tomorrow and you will get some editing help. Like Mrs W said. It is way too one sided. He needs to understand while you love him you will not stand by and allow him to abuse you and the kids this way any longer.

I'm liking the for sale by owner sign! This is a small town, with his family driving by all the time, that would certainly drive a point.

Ok, back to the drawing board I go, AFTER I go shopping for that sign

Well I guess all is over now! He has blocked my email, and I didn't even want to sent an email to him, I thought I had deleted his entry.

But I was soo devastated. I found out from OW1's mother that this 'just friends' is at least interesting. Her mother told me that they had sex for the first time 10/27/2010 or there abouts, and that OW1 has a picture of our bedroom and bathroom (I believe she said she was naked? Too distraught to truly remember) dated 5/27/2011.

That was my birthday. That was my bedroom. And he always vehemently denied having sex with her. But she is pregnant, and claims WH is the father, and that he promissed her that as soon as the waters settle with me, he will take care of her and the baby.

Out of the mouth of her mother.

I'm shaking so bad.....

Hang in there and follow the plan. He is mad but he will get over it.

Picture a 4 year old going into his room and slamming the door shut on the way screaming I'll never forgive you for taking away my new toy.

I hate to say is but you will find out more and more now that you are snooping and people know they can talk to you about it. It will be hard to hear it but you want to find out EVERYTHING now so you dont have the trickle truth coming at you for months.

It is only over now if YOU decide you dont want to work on it which it your choice to make but please take the time to calm down before you make it. Dont make choices based on anger and hurt.

While you are out, see if your library or book store has Surviving and affair or His needs Her Needs. It will help alot.