Is it appropriate for the IM to send him this message:

Your family is in pain. Your son woke up in the middle of the night screaming for his Daddy. They cannot see you right now. If you want to get the cars signed over, can you please find out a way to do it without them seeing you?

ETA: I hope plan B is working, but I knew this was coming. He was going to do it anyway. I wish I would have thought to get this figured out before I started plan B.

I will defer to the vets.

And I would TELL him how the signing over of the cars will take place, "The papers for signing over the car will be available at the notary office on XX day at XX time." Then, when you go back your second time, you send another message like that. I would even suggest that you go on different days, if at all possible. There ARE ways to accomplish this without your WH and you having ANY contact. Brainstorm it and pick the most beneficial to keep you IN Plan B.

Not appropriate.

Well he mustn't be too worried about it. I had my IM text him to see which notary he'd like to use. That was hours ago, and she hasn't heard back since. I am going away this weekend, so his window of opportunity is closing.

Thanks again everyone. Plan A was easy. I'm hoping after I get through my own "withdrawal" plan B will be easy too. It was just so nice this weekend. I really missed it. And it's so hard with the kids...I guess they have withdrawal too. :o(

I got my copy of SAA in the mail today. I can't even bring myself to read it.

Okay, so I'm really sorry for bothering you all so much today...but more car drama.

He just called...ME...I did not answer and I had the kids call him back on their cell. He wanted the VIN number on the truck. He told them he will be here tomorrow to look at the truck. I think he's saying he's going to have me sign it over tomorrow. I don't know how to do this. He's going to angry if I play these games and don't just go sign over the truck. I'd be angry if someone did it to me. I don't know when he's going to come, so I can't just spend the entire day away from my home. I have a trip I have to go on and I have things around here I need to do tomorrow.

It is NOT okay for him to use the children as an IM. If he wanted to VIN for the truck, he should have used YOUR IM.

It's not about you playing games, it's about you showing him that you are serious. If he told the children when he is going to be around, could you have someone BIG there with you? Like your dad? Maybe he could get the message that he can not come and go as he pleases anymore. You aren't playing his games anymore.

Last weekend, that was to show HIM what it COULD be like. He still was thinking about OW. I don't want to hurt you, but you need to see that. How long could you have done that, knowing that he was going to call or text her right away? My guess is, not much longer without some MAJOR LBs.

If you can't have someone there for you, then don't be there. Is the truck inside? If so, then make sure he can't get in. If it's not, then don't be anywhere around.

At the beginning of my Plan B, my WH refused to use the IM(he still kinda uses the children and it drives me BATTY). He wanted to have them sleepover at the puke shack. They didn't want to. So, I took the boys out to dinner. He came by, and we weren't home. He called a few times, and even tried the cell phone(that was how he contacted the kids). We left the restaurant and went to my BIL's house. Well, he called there too. But, I didn't let the children know, and he didn't get to have them sleepover. It was rough, but once we got over his temper tantrum and hissy fits, now it's a little less volatile.

Hang tough. Figure this out. You can do it.

My feelings were pretty hurt that as soon as he wanted something, he disregarded what I wrote in my letter and just did what HE wanted to do. Called my phone, asked the boys questions. He just doesn't care.

The same friend that sent me the text messages was snooping on FB. He was helping people move on Wendesday, and she found out it was her parents. So that explains all the fogginess. I'm not going to, but I just think if I could just see him one more time...but I know it's not like that. I worry he's going to forget us and what this weekend was like. He seems like he already has. When he comes out of the fog, will he really remember what we had together?

I've decided to go to my sister's today. It's 4 hours away so I won't be here when he does whatever with the truck. I'm pretty sure he found a car last night and wants me to sign the truck over so that he can trade it in, but I guess he's going to be surprised. I sure hope you are right when you say our marriage can survive him being angry. I'm one of those people that don't like to make people mad...and end up getting walked on pretty bad. This is SOOOO hard for me, but I will do it.

Time to get packing!

Hold the line, smile and look after yourself, if he is angry you won't know as you are in Plan B he can shout at the OW.

I love this quote:

"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

I'm home from my vacation. It was so nice to just be away from it all. He wasn't mad that I left without signing the car over. In fact he asked my IM if his wife wanted him home. That may be the first time he's referred to me as his wife since this whole thing happened. Unfortunately, he texted that to her as he was on his way to a picnic at the OW's sister's home. *sigh* My IM answered him "If you are willing to do what it would take to make that happen, yes." and he had said nothing after that besides "I'm driving".

When I got home, it wasn't even a half hour and he called the boys. He asked if he could come get the truck, and I said no, and things got a little out of hand. I told the boys to tell him that he needed to use the IM and not them and he said he doesn't have to do that and somewhere in there him telling me to get the H*** over it was said....although he told my other son he did not say it so I don't know what the deal is. I'm freaking out in the background, saying he said WHAT!? I know I shouldn't have done that, but I was already stressed out because I was having car trouble on the way home, and I just drove over 4 hours in a car with no air conditioning with 3 kids. I just wasn't prepared to be bombarded with all this as soon as I got home.

So anyway, after that phone call he texts my IM asking her if he could call her to explain some things because he doesn't like to text. She told him no because she does not want to talk to him. She's the one that saw on facebook that he went to that picnic thing and she was fuming. He told her he was sorry (about the phone call), didn't want to upset me, and that he was still on the same page as the text he sent last time (I guess referring to the does my wife want me back text). She texted him something like, "You mean the text where you said you were driving and as it turns out it was to a picnic at your girlfriend's sister's house!?" He was annoyed and said first of all I do not have a girlfriend, and I stopped there on my way home from my brother's to visit my god daughter. His god daughter!? Are you freaking kidding me!? Well, IF he comes home there will be no God Daughter. How can he even think that is remotely appropriate if he's wondering if his wife wants him home? I know none of that was very plan B-ish, but I'm glad to know it, so he won't be pulling anything over on me. Here I think he's on the verge of coming home, and he's hanging out with the OW's family. GRRRR

While he was gone, he did get a car without trading in the truck. I've decided to tell my IM that I'm not signing over anything while the divorce is still on hold. So hopefully that will take care of him demanding to come over and I can properly plan B.

So I'm in a much better plan B, but my IM just got a text. My WH is asking if he gets to see his daughter for her birthday which is this Sunday (my weekend). He's not seen the kids since for about 3 weeks and has given his time for them to do special things for me. I don't know what to do. Should I let him have her for a little while or should I let him suffer the consequences of his actions.

I feel like it's pretty awful to not let him see her, but I don't want to mess up my plan b any more than I already have. I can have him pick her up at my brother's house and drop her off afterward so seeing him won't be an issue. If I don't let him see her that would make me look pretty bad, but part of me wonders if he's asking so that he can break plan b somehow.

IMO, its never a bad thing for the wayward to want to spend some time with the children.

Let your IM arrange it, or do the swap at your brother's house and maintain your dark plan B, but let him celebrate a little birthday with her.

I did just end up calling my IM and planning a very dark pick up. I still don't know the times yet as I want him to tell them IM what he was thinking. I don't want to keep the kids away from him at all. It just want to protect them from the pain that he has caused them.

Before FINALLY "getting" plan B, I found a bit about my WH and that now he may have feelings for the OW's sister. I'm a little concerned that when he gets them for her birthday he's going to take them over to spend time with her and her daughter because her husband just left her for another woman. This is going to hurt and confuse my kids even more, but what can I do. I just hope I'm jumping to conclusions. I wish I was able to put something about him not being allowed to bring the OW or any OW around my kids in the court ordered visitation, but the court just did not allow that. They said the kids need time to "bond" with the other woman. :o(

After spending that time together, and him not coming home, the kids are even angrier. My youngest DS told him on the phone last night that if he loved them he'd be home. They now have decided not to talk to him for a little while and turned off their cell phone which is the way he can contact them. They are so very very hurt. Part of me is glad I did plan A, but I hurt for my kids so badly.

I'm finally getting down to reading my SAA book. It said I was supposed to send my plan B letter to the OW, so I just sent it via FB. I hope it wasn't the wrong thing to do since it was 3 weeks later.

ETA:
It might be better that I did it now because I did it via facebook. In the last week he changed his profile picture to the one of him and the kids together and I have the same matching photo as my profile picture on my FB. It was from Father's Day. So that will prove to her that we really did spend time together.

Another question...

Should I Facebook her Mother, Father, and sister. Tell them that his family loves him and wants him to come home? That his children need him. Or something like that. I know that exposing the affair was in plan A, but it was already exposed. But I'm wondering if all of her family should know that I want him back. Maybe you could help me figure out what to say, if it's even a good idea. Thank you.

Hello,
I'm sorry I am asking so much today. I'm just tired of my children hurting and I want to make sure I've covered all of my avenues (even if he ultimately doesn't come home). Is this okay to send to her family members?

I'm writing to let you know that after spending some time together as a family, that it would be in our best interest for WH to return home. I love him with all of my heart and am willing to do anything it takes to show him that. He's expressed interest, but I told him that I until the affair is over I thought it best we not spend any more family time together because it hurt me and the children so much. The children are devastated and feel like he has left all over again. Please encourage him to end the affair and come home.
Thank you.
DMH

*sigh*
I just had a whole conversation with her.

Me: Sent her plan b letter.

Her:Now may I ask what in your mind made you think that I needed to read that? ?

Me: Just so you know exactly where I stand. I AM going to fight for my family.

Her: I admire that to the fullest.

Me: If it matters to you at all, my children are hurting terribly. He came here and we were essentially a family again. He'd still be here if I didn't tell him to go away. I am not going to have his cake and eat it to. It hurts them too much.
And I'm too good for that.

Her: It matters to me a lot more than you think it does.

Me: I hope so. They need him a lot. I do not. I love him with all my heart, but I am a different, stronger person. I'm going to be okay either way, but they are already forever changed. My happy, loving little boys are angry and bitter. They need their father. I'm not sure how much of the damage can be repaired, but it will still be better. They were so happy when he was here. I grew up without a father, and that's the last thing I ever wanted for them.

Her: But in your letter it sounds like you need him.....

Me: Unless you truly love a person, you could never understand.
You cannot love another unless you love yourself.

Her: So what do you want from me then????

Me: Refer to the second thing I wrote. Have a great day!

Her: You too


So how bad did I screw up? I should have just kept my mouth shut. Why do I do this stuff to myself?


ETA: I missed a section of conversation.

When you are in Plan B, OW is off limits too. You are only harming yourself.

You did expose this affair far and wide before didn't you? How did you do it then, and why would you want to expose it again? I don't understand.

I personally wouldn't have sent the PBL to OW after 3 weeks on PB. But, you did. Now, GET DARK.

No, I did not because he left here and moved in with her. Everyone already knew. He lost his job for fraternizing. This was back when I thought I was done with him.
I went to my mom after I talked to her. Apparently she must have talked to him and he is FURIOUS. He left me an email that said that I was just as hurtful of a person as he was and for hurt he wanted me to know that he slept with her in my bed. I put his text messages on filter so they go directly in the trash. He called while he as out which left his number as the last number called meaning that I could block it. It wouldn't let me before. He called my IM screaming. I explained that I didn't need to hear all that. I must have done SOMETHING for him to be so furious. Do you think I should send anything to her family, particularly the sister, or just let it go? If I knew this was going to happen, I would have done something before.