There's got to be a way out of this mess for you (and your kids).

I'd be mad as heck in your situation too. Screw "casting aside blame and resentment"...it IS her fault and I'd be finding a way to Plan B her in my own house no matter what it took.

She's not your wife anymore. Her choice. She gets no more courtesy than a rank stranger. She'll never give up this arrangement as long as it's comfortable.

I'm mad for you.

Mr. W

We're trying to short sell the house. We've got an offer, but we're waiting on the banks. I'm still making payments so as to not kill our credit.

If the banks don't agree, I suppose we'll have to foreclose.

As far as plan B goes, I avoid eye contact for the most part and make very little conversation. After we put the kids to bed, I go to my room and she goes to the living room. We don't talk at all for the rest of the evening.

But we are constantly bringing the boys to little league and getting them ready for school and getting them ready for bed together, etc...

BTW: Thanks Mr. Wondering. You and the Mrs. have been very helpful and insightful.

So now that I'm divorced and soon we'll be in separate residences, how should I feel/act if XWW and OM get together.

The thought enrages me. I don't want OM or XWW's enabling cousin around my children. I'd rather XWW met someone new.

On the other hand, I would kind of like to see them give it a shot just so I can watch their relationship fall apart. Oh please, please, please let it fall apart.

TE,

Your W and OM deserve one another. I mean really would you want some unsuspecting nice guy being married to the woman that your W turned into? The guy would not deserve that.

I still like the old saying: "If the will cheat with you, they will cheat on you." The both deserve a dose of their own medicine in my mind.

God Bless,

JL

Just remember this saying: "The best revenge you can take against someone who's stolen your W is to let him keep her"

What I'd suggest though is that, once you are in separate residences, you execute a permanent Plan B against your XWW. Find something or someone else to occupy your time.

What would that Plan B letter look like? Would there be conditions upon which a relationship and/or friendship would be reconsidered?

Personally, I hope I'd have the ability to pray my then ex-wife would receive the gift of repentance. Repentance and forgiveness would be the best for her, your children and you. Neither repentance nor forgiveness require a reconciliation. Thus, the plan b letter could include some kind of general outline of a way plan b could end. Maybe something like the following:

I can no longer be in any kine of relationship with you, however, should you have a change of heart and wish to seek my forgiveness in a continuing act of repentance, I may be receptive to speaking.


I know reconciliation of your marriage is off the table now. However, MANY people reconcile and remarry their spouses even years down the road. I've seen numbers from 6% to 14% of divorcees eventually remarry. However, you don't have to reconcile your marriage for her to repent and you forgive.

Repentance is different for everyone. Repentance means "a change of heart". It's a gift from God and in a situation like yours I'd presume it would basically include your ex-wife begging for your forgiveness, choosing to accept any and all of the natural consequences of her sins and looking to you for leadership of your family (a willingness to submit to your decisions about the children, custody and maybe even alimony/child support).

Stranger things have happened and being receptive of God's will and gifts is important for your healing as well. Hope is healthy.

Mr. Wondering

Haven't seen you much W, glad you're still around.

Apologies for TJ.

TE,

It's tough to Plan B with little ones. Keep your contact to a minimum and accept that there is little to nothing you can do with what she does with the kids when they are with her.

All you do by arguing with her about that is staying engaged emotionally.

Let it go, as much as it sucks and you don't like it and it isn't right.

I say this to you as someone who had to come to terms with this very thing.

Thanks guys. This site is amazing.

I like the idea of a permanent Plan B. And even a post divorce Plan B letter. Very interesting.

I often think, mostly because I love my kids, about whether we will eventually down-the-road remarry. I think we had a good marriage and a great little family before all this went down. Trust will certainly be an issue.

Another issue is the fact that other women are really responding to me like never before. Last time I was single I was an insecure 20-something. Now I actually have some confidence. I make decent money. Plus, I lost some weight on the adultery diet.

And I don't have to carry around the burden of guilt that WW is stuck with for the rest of her life. My conscience feels pretty good.

TE- I know what you are going through now as I was in the same boat a couple months back. It's hard, but like the others have said, you just have to "let go and let God". I don't think there is much you can do legally to prevent your STBX from bringing the OM around.

Once you get to the point of negotiating your parenting agreement, you may be able to get her to agree to a no overnight guests of the opposite sex while each of you have the kids. That is what I was able to do, but it still doesn't prevent other men from being around them.

I think a Plan B would be great, but not sure it is realistic with younger kids. You will have to communicate with her or through an IM until all your kids are of age.

Life goes on and you will be OK.

In 10 days WXW moves with the kids to her parents' house on Long Island.

I will continue to stay at our home until we close on the short sale. Then I will move in with a buddy of mine until I can transfer with my job to NYC.

We're telling the kids either tonight or tomorrow about the divorce and that Daddy will not be moving with them.

Not looking forward to it.

Okay, so WXW and I still live in the same house for another nine days. And today I get home and find a package on the front step from Victoria's Secret.

It's soft. Probably a bra and undies inside.

I threw it on the kitchen floor next to the garbage.

Any way you can get some itching powder into that package?

Any way you can get some itching powder into that package?

Cayenne powder would be nice too. That way the sex can be really HOT!

How did my wife become such a loser? It just makes no sense.

A 35 year old woman living with her parents. I see this as Karma already. No home, no money, massive debt, broken soul, and alone. Would you date that?

New Date: So you are 35. What have you done with your life?
xWW: Well - hum - Well - hum - I made two kids.
New Date: Really - you have two kids. Why did you divorce?
xWW: Well - hum - Well - hum - I was in a sordid affair with a 40 year old never been married loser who sleeps with hundreds of woman. I thought he was my soul mate. So I threw my amazing xH and kids under the bus and jumped on his train.

New Date: Check Please!
xWW: What? What? - I have changed I promise. I won't commit adultery anymore. Really - I am not that kind of lady!!

Her life will just suck from now on. The only way out for her is to break completely down. Repent to you and then start over from scratch. Until she really gets what she has done she will no longer grow. Her insides will be stuck at the level she is today. She has to break in order for a breakthrough to occur. She cannot have that breakthrough without your help. She tore herself in half and she will continue to bleed to death until she repents. Unfortunately, she will never heal herself unless she repents with you and the children first.

Cheers Tough~

Throw it out....make her wonder where it is at etc!!

Thanks Tough. I think some people�like a lot of drug addicts�have to hit rock bottom before they can truly recover. Sometimes you just have to let them fall.

WXW moved last weekend.

Now she and my boys live at her parents' house in NY. I'm still in our house trying to close on a short sale. Hoping to avoid foreclosure.

And hoping I can relocate to NY.