dmh, you are getting superb advice from Scotland, and bravo to you for following it to the letter! What you are doing will give you the best chance for recovery. And if it doesn't happen, you will be in the best position, mentally, to make the decision to move on. I agree with her suggestion that you don't put a 6 month timeline on this. See how you feel at that time.

I very much agree with Scotland's advice that you need to find someone to do the child transfers. That will be a disaster if you do the transfers. You will see why yourself if you do this after a few weeks of no contact. You will be dragged right back into the nightmare from a place of peace and quiet. I promise you will regret it!

Why thank you Mrs ML for the props.

dmh, I really would like you to feel the benefits of Plan B. They are GREAT. You get even stronger than you can imagine, or realize. One day, you will look back at this thread and it will seem like a distant memory. The pain will seem like it happened to someone else, although you will remember these things having happened to you.

I remember being at a cadet camp when I was 16. They spent the first 2 weeks breaking us down, and then 4 more weeks building us back up, only into someone different. That is the way I look at this, you are torn down, you are at a low point, and you looked for a way UP. MB IS that way UP. Stick to it. Make improvements where you can, and live a better life. A life you never dreamed could happen. That is what I wish for you.

dmh,

Swooping in again to just give you a cyber-hug as you need nothing at the moment that hasn't been offered by ML and Scotland (and so many others).

Just a voice of encouragement and support from over here.

Thank you ALL for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

Believe me, I know how much being completely dark with the drop off/pick up is. Before I found this site and they were still together he was picking them up with her in the car and it absolutely KILLED me.

I have been tossing the idea in my head that maybe he will agree to pick them up at my mother's home. They can just go out the door and I will have nothing to do with it. It's a half hour closer to his home so maybe it will be appealing. Or, he could try to be in control and demand it stay at the McDonalds. I have no idea.

The only hurdle I have is that my mother has moved since he left us and has expressed that she does not want him to know where she lives. I'm hoping if I talk to her and explain how much better this would be for my emotional well being, she will change her mind.

I read a post Scotland made on Indie's thread about 3rd hand knowledge not being good. I have a problem with this. Even if I can get all the adults to quit saying things, the kids come home and tell me EVERYTHING. I want them to be able to get it all out, but it DOES send me in tailspin and emotional roller coaster. Because of some things going on my WH has given up his last couple of weekends so the kids could go camping/visit my sister. Today is my daughter's birthday and it will be the first time he's seen the kids since the end of my plan A. I'm bracing myself for the 3rd hand knowledge I will get tonight.

I also found out that overnight he has removed her entire family from his friend's list on facebook. She hasn't been on his list since they broke up before. Could be a good sign....could be some kind of game. I don't know.

ETA: I just found out that he just edited his friends list so that no one is able to see it. He's still friends with them all. :o(

I believe his brother and sister are more in favor of him staying with us than being with the girl, even though they will support him with whatever he chooses. That's huge. I didn't expect them to react that way. In fact, I didn't think they liked me much at all (especially the brother).

I asked my mom and she is okay with having pick up/drop off at her home. I just have to get my WH to agree with it. Technically I'm stuck with what the court order says, but this is closer for hi. So unless he's going to be a jerk, this would benefit him. I'm so thankful for coming up with this idea. It seemed so hopeless before.

Send the message through the IM about drop offs and pick ups. I am so happy to hear about it.

Now, as far as your children telling you things, I would say that you don't ask, but let them tell you what they need to. Just make sure that you don't react to it in front of them, or they will think that it is bad to tell you things, and you still want them to be able to talk to you. That's what I do, and it seems to work okay.

Yeah, my brother (IM) is going ask him about it this week. I'm praying so hard that he agrees to this.

My brother also talked to the kids about not telling me too much. They did so much better than they normally do, but I still got some info. The OW was not there and apparently WH told the kids that she broke his heart when she left and that he doesn't want her back. The OW's sister, her husband, and daughter were there. My daughter came home with a purple baby doll....which just happens to be the OW's favorite color. I could really just be letting my imagination run wild...but I can't help but wonder if she got it for her. I just can't stand looking at it and burst into tears when I saw it. It was a ridiculous reaction, but I just seem to have more and more of those lately.

I talked to my brother about selling the house. I told him I need out of here as soon as possible. He suggested an auction. He's going to ask my WH what his thoughts are on the house. If he happens to say I can do whatever I want, he's going present him the idea of me putting it up for auction. I hope he agrees to this. I can't stand being here much longer. In the meantime I'm going to start selling as much stuff as I can.

Yesterday someone called me and the caller ID said it from the state where my WH now lives. I let voicemail pick it up. Then I listened to it. It was from OW's mother threatening to sue me and demanding an apology by the end of the day. Scared me at first. But you know what? She doesn't have a leg to stand on and even if she did I have NOTHING. I live in a state where they can't take your property if you owe anything. There is NOTHING she can do to me. And even if there were, it would be well worth it if it breaks them up. So anyway, I deleted the message and tell my IM to send a text to my WH saying, "That I received a call from a number from his state. That I deleted the message without listening to it and blocked the number. That if he has anything to say to me it needs to go through the IM." So they don't even know that I got the message.

As I mentioned before, the OW has her friends list hidden, so I did the next best thing. I went to her mother's list. I went through all the people on her list to see if the OW was a common friend and sent the message. And then I said I figured I'd just send it to everyone. If they know her mother, there's a good chance they know of her. I messaged I think I counted 39 people. After yesterday, I'm fighting the urge to want to keep going. It must be doing SOMETHING if her mother is that mad. I can't believe I never thought exposure was something that would work for me. I figured that you couldn't get any more exposed than them living together.

To anyone reading, even if you think there is no one to expose to. Even if you think everyone knows. EXPOSE!

Glad to hear that exposure worked for you.

There IS a difference between being exposed for a dirty filthy affair and living with someone who is married(although, there really shouldn't be). In today's society, people usually feel that even though someone is still legally married, that it's okay to date, because they are separated. Coming on here has made me realize just how wrong that is.

Well my mom changed her mind. I should have figured that would happen. When I asked her, I knew it was a slim chance that she would say yes. When I asked I said it would be a HUGE favor, that it's okay if she said no, that she didn't have to answer right away. She was more than happy to do it. Today she called me to tell me that she didn't want to do it anymore and that I should have never put her in that position. *sigh* I didn't put her in ANY position. I gave her every chance to say no. She ALWAYS does this to me and it kills me when she turns it around on me like that. This is why I hate asking people for help. If I can't even count on my own mother....

Well, sorry mom reneged. Better now than a little later. Keep thinking of possibilities!

How old are your children?

Ages 8, 11, and 2.

In my case, my WH comes to the house, calls to let them know that he is here, and they go out. When they come home, he says good-bye to them at the sidewalk, then he leaves, they come to the door and knock, I let them in. WH used to call them to make sure that they got in alright, but now, he drives around the block(DS11 didn't want to answer the phone anymore). Have you given any thought to that?

one of the BIGGEST problems with a sitch like that is that you have to control yourself to NOT look outside when pickups and dropoffs are done. Also, you have to make sure that you coach the children to NOT knock until your WH is on his way, and no longer in front of your house. Would this be a possible option for you?

I guess it cannot hurt to ask him, but he's so mad now because of the exposure I don't think he's going to be willing to do anything "nice" for me. When he left me and moved in with her, he moved to the state where she lives and his then job was. It's nearly an hour away. The court ordered agreement states we are to meet a McDonald's that is halfway between us. Just the other day, my brother asked if he could meet at a pizza place just 10 minutes away from that McDonald's and he refused to do that. I'm at his mercy. And to be completely honest, the idea of him coming here with her (if they are even together) makes me want to vomit. I know I won't be watching, but as good as the kids have tried to be, they still slip. It is worth considering, however. I don't want to knock down every thoughtful suggestion someone gives me and seem unreasonable.

Also, when I sell the house, I'm thinking to moving to the town that I'm registered to go to school at this fall. It will put another hour between us. I doubt he'll be willing to travel 2 hours to be "nice".

I also wanted to say that when her mother called me, she told me they aren't even together. I wonder if that is true, or if it's some elaborate scheme to make my exposure letter untrue. If it is true, they are still together enough for him to hang out with her family. I wonder if he just does that hoping she'll want to come back to him. I'm really hoping the exposure made that pretty much impossible now.

Sounds like my brother is going to make himself available whenever I need to do pick up/drop off. I'm so very thankful for him.

Going to start listing stuff on craigslist today. I think the next goal for me is to just concentrate on getting out of this house.

I know this plan B is supposed to help us retain any love that we me have left for our WS's in case they do want to come back at some point. I'm not talking to or seeing my WH. I'm not even sending messages through the IM because there's nothing to send. I am feeling HUGE amounts of anger though. More than when he initially left. I hope you all don't mind me venting.

I knew he would be angry about exposure. The angrier he is, the better it worked. I'm disgusted because he has no right to be angry. He threatened my friends and family to defend her. The person that helped DESTROY my family. I sent out a letter exposing the truth to SAVE my family. I know it's screwy wayward thinking, but it makes me SOOOOOOO mad!

I'm angry because I thought for sure he was coming home, but the fact is, all he wanted was me on the side in case it didn't work with her. He was stringing me and my kids along, and I fell for it. I just feel so stupid.

I'm mad because he seems to think he was doing ME a favor by coming home. I've got news for him. It is the other way around. I'm giving him a chance to do what's right by his family. To fix the mess he made. And I feel like he's throwing that away just like he did us. I'm going to be okay either way, I know that, but it just disgusts me that he feels so highly of himself that he can just easily discard us like he has/is.

I know this anger is normal, and won't last forever, but I feel like I'm depleting my own love bank. Part of me doesn't even know if I want him to come home now after this. I'm back to wondering if he's even worth it, which is where I first was when he came back into the picture and I started this thread. That makes me sad. I did all this work and I don't even want him back? I guess I just don't want THIS guy back. I did see hints of the guy I do want that weekend he was with us. I want him. I just don't know how to find him unless I'm actually around. Seems like the longer he's away from me, the further to the "dark side" he goes. :o(

Well since you know that this anger is nromal, I won't need to tell you that.

One of the reasons it is so important to get into Plan B early is precisely because when you are in it, you start to look at your WH in a new light and lose some LB$ in the process. Also, you are experiencing your taker talking BIG TIME.

Think about how much you have changed since coming to this site. Think about what you really DID accomplish. If your WH doesn't pull his head out of his azz, you can move on with NO regrets knowing that you did EVERYTHING to save your marriage. You also know what you can expect in a marriage and what you have to do to have a SUPERB one in the future, whether it is with your WH or not.

So, after you have had an angry rant at him like this, you need to take care of your taker and do something special for yourself.

I know you are right, and I don't regret what I did. I do want him to come home. I just....I don't know. I'm tired of it all. What is wrong with these waywards? Why can't they just wake up!?!?

I'm also angry because I have to go to a 4 hour parenting class today required because we are getting a divorce. He's the one that committed adultery with a 21 year old girl. He's the one that abandoned us. He's the one that left us with nothing. He's the one that treated the kids like crap until recently, and now I'm afraid that's going to start again. I've been the one to keep these kids together after their dad left. I'm the one that has to help them through their sadness, anger, and all other emotions felt when a father leaves. I had to do the right thing regarding their father even though it kills me. I had to file divorce to protect the kids and I, and now *I* have to take parenting classes. It's insulting!

All the thinking you are doing and emotions are you working through the trauma.
You are out of the fray in plan B and able to do the inner rumination. That is not fun but part of the process.

The parenting class.....well......think of it as a interesting time spent observing other people in similar situations (bet many were cheated on or are cheaters) and you will see in how much healthier a place you are doing marriagebuilder plans.
You can see the gradations of pain others are in and utilize that knowledge to BE stronger yourself.

I agree it would be so much nicer to never experience this horror of betrayel. It would be nicer indeed.