Pepperband - No, he has not. I would be gone the second he tries to though. We have just been though alot, our son was diagnosed with autism 8 years ago. Lots of finacial problems but that is getting better, slowly. Then this, it just has added up for me.
Cari

Last night I was a bit upset when he came home. He took our daughter out to a movie and looking around stores. About a week ago, he was telling me about an ipad or something similar from Sprint that he wants to get, but the cost ($400) was a bit much. I asked him to wait, as we pay bills and get the necessaties with a little left over. Not enough for the thing he wants.

When he got home last night, guess what he got while they were out! I was a bit upset because it was a bit purchase, for us anyway. I told him I had asked him to wait till our finances were a bit better. He didnt care, I felt mad. Am I justified or am I being crazy?
Cari

On another side note, his new tablet thing has a seperate new phone number on it. I have already asked him about the hours he has spent talking on the phone to his ex girlfriend, the one he has been talking with on facebook.
Cari

Have you READ the MB Basic Concepts?

Have you read about Love Busters?

*link* to Love Busters


Your H is hitting all the Love Busters .... I think.

You're right, Pepperband. Being here and reading people's suggestions and the articles here is helping. Is it normal to feel anxious about making the right choices in this situation? I mean, I know something needs to happen, things need to change because mentally I cant go on ignoring or acting like nothings wrong. But it feels scary, Im worried I might not be able to do it.
Cari

Anxiety is what happens when you hold a lot of "What if" situations simultaneously in your head.
It's like juggling problems, and you keep adding to the objects you are trying to keep in the air at the same time.

"What if this???" Worry worry worry.
"What if that ???" More worry worry worry.
Pile on a whole bunch of "What ifs" to mentally juggle, and you will be more than anxious, you will feel paralyzed and helpless.
Life spins out of control.
Which means, you no longer have an inner locus of control, you are controlled by things outside yourself.
The way out of that self made trap is to ANSWER the "What if" questions as they come.


"What if I am late for work." .... My supervisor will write me up. I will do better in the future.
"What if my husband starts drinking?" ..... I will contact an attorney and file for a divorce.

Mentally you are NOT ignoring this.
You are making a choice of inaction.
There are consequences to every choice, including inaction.
Choose which consequence you prefer, and go with it.

By the way, the companion to the mental "What if?" game is .... "Yes, but" ..... When offered a different way to go, you might respond with "Yes, but" ....

I usually walk away when a person tries this with me.

Cari,

You are feeling weak and afraid, and also betrayed. What has happened is that you are seeing a person you loved and trusted doing things that are shocking and surprising to you. The worst part of all of this is that he is lying to you, and working behind your back - and you don't know what his next move might be, or what he might have already done to betray you.


You find yourself looking back over the past few years, wondering what parts were truth, what are lies, and what might have sent him into this change of personality where he no longer seems to care about you or the family the way he used to.

You are afraid of financial issues, what you would do if he left you, what you will do if he stays and things don't improve, or if he stays and they get worse....your head is spinning with every possible "what if" scenario you can think of.


Of course you are afraid. And what's more, you fear that he will fight you over your children. What if, what if, what if...



For right now, your best move is to try to be calm, and to gather information.

He has purchased the new computer thing in order to avoid you gathering information on his affair and probably some pornography stuff he is doing on the computer. You need a plan. For the other computer he has been using in the house, you need to get on there and figure out if you can get old emails and any kind of history off of it. You might want to just up and take it to a computer guy, tell him you want him to print out the old/deleted emails if possible, and any internet history or stuff like that from it, stuff that might be porn, etc. Explain what you need off of it.

Tell your husband that the computer got a virus and you took it in for some repairs. Don't tell him where. And don't leave anything around that indicates where. And do not allow the computer repair person to release anything to anyone but you - if you need to, take it OUT OF TOWN.


You are good to get some counseling.

And also, I am with Pep and Mel. You need to plan to get away from this man. He is planning to force you to do sexual things you do not want to do, is having affairs behind your back and has been for at least two years, and gives you no respect when you address the issue with him. His response that it is all "a joke" is telling you that he thinks you have absolutely no brains, and that because you walked away from the problem two years ago when he said it you will do the same this time.


He has complete disregard for you. It would not surprise me if when you throw his stuff out he acts as though he has done nothing wrong, and all of this comes as a complete and total shock to him! He will probably act like YOU are just as crazy as a loon, and tell everyone that you made it all up. That nothing is going on, and you are just jealous of nothing.


You need to expose the affairs and let everyone know what he is doing - and do NOT warn him. Kick him out, and expose IMMEDIATELY after that.


In your case, I wouldn't expose ahead of time. I do not trust him. Do it all at once.


SB

What needs to change is your passive dishonesty.
You need to be 100% upfront about how much love is draining out of your love bank.
You need to be clear, direct, firm and not ambivalent with your spouse.

Conflict avoidance is just a fancy word for dishonesty.

Schoolbus,
You are right on the porn, that has been on ongoing thing for years. He has signed up at matching sites and similar places. I printed out his profiles from some of them, where he states he is single and wants to meet for sex. I also printed out some of his chat logs from Facebook, so I can show people Im not making this up.

I am afraid he would fight for the kids. I am also afraid of how his parents will act. His brother is in jail, has been for about 9 years now, still has 12-15 more for child abuse. His parents were the ones to report, but then felt bad dispite what the kids said happened. His parents would talk down about his wife, who divorced him shortly after going to jail. They felt she should have stood by him and not divorced him. I do fear that if we divorced, they would do the same and fight for custody of our kids dispite their age and health, which isnt good.

I dont want to put my kids in that situation, my son who is 11, has autism. My daughter is 9, and is a daddy's girl.
Cari

Cari,

You cannot depend on his parents, and that is to be known in advance. It's usually the case in affairs that the families stand by their side of the affair. Not always, but usually - they just don't want to rock the boat and be left out of the kids' lives, so they "move on" and accept the affair partner. It is horrible, but it happens so much.

Your in-laws have a son in jail, and blame the ex-wife for divorcing a child abuser. Don't expect much support from them. They don't hold their sons accountable for anything, which explains why they act the way they do.

I am leaning more and more in the direction of you walking away. I am usually prone to supporting sticking together, but this looks like your husband has a long-term issue and is very deep into some things that will be hard to overcome.

I'm not surprised by the porn. Glad you have proof.

In your case, you may be safer to leave altogether. While financially you may lose money, it might be better for you to go dark by leaving quickly and quietly and SAFELY. Do you have somewhere that you might be able to go, to start over, with your children? Have you given any thought to this? A relative willing to help you out for a few months?


I work with autistic children, so I do know what I am asking.


SB