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My husband has hit me our entire marriage. (14 years) Not beat me, but would hit me in the arms/legs or kick me. He was a spoiled child. He continued to act spoiled after marriage. I stayed with him b/c I kept having hope he would grow up eventually. He also had sexual addictions during our marriage (hidden). He promises to never hit me again, says he has truly missed his family, that he wants to make it work, that he loves me and finds me attractive. I keep telling him I am very damaged and that he has killed my love. Although I would love to be a family unit for my children. We are in the same home again but not resumed sexual relations b/c I am not attracted to him. This bothers him as well. He seems to would just like for me to pretend nothing bad ever happened and make love... Advice please.
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I am not experienced in this area, and yes it could only be called abuse. Just putting me .02 in, and waiting for someone with exp in how to build love, with a man who seems to take everthing from someone, and not give the least.
You are right that you are damaged, and it is a good sign for you that you are not attracted to him, and having sex with him under that circumstance that you are afraid, would be more like rape. Rape victims can tell you that its violence.
I know you probably want to maintain this for your children, but it will wear you down over time, if you don't seek treatment for this abuse. If H wants to be part of the healing, there must be help out here for him. If you don't do something about it, you are setting your children up for the same treatment. Children know more than people give them credit for.
Hoping someone comes on that has some real practical help here. My heart and prayers go out to you. I don't have sympathy towards a man who physically abuses or threatens a woman or children, no empathy, and only pity for them.
Praying for you and the children, and even for your H, may God handle this for the innocent well.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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@ConstantProcess: That was very nice. Very encouraging. I agree with you. Thank you for writing. 
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luvinlife, you got some very good advice on your other thread. I am going to bump that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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@MelodyLane. What was your motive in doing that????? @.@ Do you think I posted a second advice seeking post to have you direct me to my first one as if I don't know it's there??? I am searching, I presented at a different angle, to SEEK NEW ADVICE. Omgosh, I can't believe you did that! lol
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Your question was already answered on your other thread! Why ask the same question again if you aren't going to listen to the advice?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Domestic Violence
Letter #1
Introduction: This week, instead of printing the questions of two people, I am featuring a series of three letters, and my answers, from one person. The letters begin with concern for her safety and end with her in a shelter for battered women. It is at this point in her nightmare that her choices may mean the difference between life and death. For more information on this subject, refer to my column, Angry Outbursts.
Domestic violence is not as common as people think. Most of the troubled couples I've counseled have never experienced domestic violence and most couples, in general, go through life without having had a single physical altercation. If your spouse has ever hit you, or if you have ever hit your spouse, you're in a tragic and dangerous minority. But as uncommon as the problem is, whenever it occurs, people are shocked and confused as to what to do about it. My perspective as a professional who has counseled hundreds of violent clients is that these couple should be separated until there is assurance of safety. In many cases that assurance can never be given.
If you have ever hit your spouse, you are a perpetrator of domestic violence and need to take extraordinary steps to protect your spouse from yourself. Most violent spouses are deeply remorseful after sending their husbands or wives to the hospital, and sometimes to their death. But remorse does not make up for the mistake. Violence is one of those mistakes in life that you cannot ever afford to make, and if you've done it once, you're likely to do it again.
Throughout my career as a marriage counselor, I have done whatever I can to save marriages, but when it comes to domestic violence I draw the line. Unless a spouse can guarantee the other's safety from their own anger, I don't believe they should live with each other.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I didn't have any children with my physically abusive ex, so my choice was easy, I left. He SHOT the girl that he was with after me, in front of her kid.
You're not attracted to him for a reason. He's dangerous to you. My ex looked like George Clooney, but boy was he UGLY to me.
Forgive him from afar.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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@MelodyLane. I have not received an answer to my questions. (not that I am required to, but I am searching). Advice, yes, but evidently not what I am needing or feel compelled to act upon.
And I feel aggravated that you "bumped" my first post when I well knew it was there! lol I appreciate your effort to write and discuss with me, but feel you should have thought I wrote a second post for a REASON! (*.*)
I have a man who wants to be a family, says he loves me and is sorry,who tells me he will never hit me again, who is willing to make it work. (he has personality problems but may always...he also has many good and wonderful qualities) AND I AM HAVING A HARD TIME FORGIVING, OR BEING ABLE TO LOVE HIM IN RETURN. If he is telling the truth, how do I heal and love him? But I also would like to know WHAT DOES HE NEED TO DO TO MAKE ME HAVE THESE FEELINGS, aside from never hitting me again? He has many wonderful qualities, but I don't "enjoy" them b/c of my anger and pain from the past abuse or fear that it may happen again under the right circumstances (though it may never). I question how long am I "okay" to not have sex with him, and what I mean by that is that if he is sincere in changing, how long should he "tolerate" my not feeling compelled to have sex with him? I cannot force myself to want him. I desire sex, just not with HIM!
I feel a repulsed feeling when he tries to hug or kiss me. It's b/c I grew to hate him for hitting me all those years, and other bad qualities. It's like a rut in my brain that I cannot fill in, even though he does good, loving and kind things. He resets me to zero/starting line at times when he does or says something that reflects a pressuring or demanding connotation. Such as "How long do you think it's going to take before you will resume sex with me?" I hate that question. Am I suppose to? Should I have compassion for his concern? I feel it exhibits a selfishness. Thus I am not moved to resume sex. If it were me, I would not be asking that. I would be showing self-control and patience.
So I am still confused as to whether I should leave him or remain until something changes my feelings???????????????? I wish I had married a normal man who never had a bad temper and had experienced the past 14 years in a reasonable measure of happiness! Grrrr!
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He repulses you because he is repulsive. Why did you feel the need to differentiate between 'beating' and 'hitting arms and legs and kicking'? Define 'beating' to me.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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You advise me to leave and I can see why from your experience (which I am sorry you experienced), but MB Dr. Harley says to not throw in the towel even if a spouse is physically abusive. But I can't find a lot of information on how to forgive an abuser, or how to heal from the pain, how to love again.
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You advise me to leave and I can see why from your experience (which I am sorry you experienced), but MB Dr. Harley says to not throw in the towel even if a spouse is physically abusive. But I can't find a lot of information on how to forgive an abuser, or how to heal from the pain, how to love again. Domestic Violence
Letter #1
Introduction: This week, instead of printing the questions of two people, I am featuring a series of three letters, and my answers, from one person. The letters begin with concern for her safety and end with her in a shelter for battered women. It is at this point in her nightmare that her choices may mean the difference between life and death. For more information on this subject, refer to my column, Angry Outbursts.
Domestic violence is not as common as people think. Most of the troubled couples I've counseled have never experienced domestic violence and most couples, in general, go through life without having had a single physical altercation. If your spouse has ever hit you, or if you have ever hit your spouse, you're in a tragic and dangerous minority. But as uncommon as the problem is, whenever it occurs, people are shocked and confused as to what to do about it. My perspective as a professional who has counseled hundreds of violent clients is that these couple should be separated until there is assurance of safety. In many cases that assurance can never be given. .
If you have ever hit your spouse, you are a perpetrator of domestic violence and need to take extraordinary steps to protect your spouse from yourself. Most violent spouses are deeply remorseful after sending their husbands or wives to the hospital, and sometimes to their death. But remorse does not make up for the mistake. Violence is one of those mistakes in life that you cannot ever afford to make, and if you've done it once, you're likely to do it again.
Throughout my career as a marriage counselor, I have done whatever I can to save marriages, but when it comes to domestic violence I draw the line. Unless a spouse can guarantee the other's safety from their own anger, I don't believe they should live with each other.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr. Harley says to separate from a physical abuser. Did you read what Mel posted?
I'm not sorry about my experience, I learned a boatload! It took many years of no contact to forgive him, not that he knows that! Infidelity is touted here as the #1 bringer of soul-crushing pain, and I believe them, because you can heal from physical abuse, just not while you're with the abuser. You've got battered woman syndrome, I'm guessing, where you still think they can change. If he's been hitting you for FOURTEEN YEARS, I can guarantee the minute you have sex with him, you're back to punching bag.
You'd be a moron to put out for that.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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He has not hit me since last October, 9 months. So now can you answer or adise on my other questions?
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I did. I divorced him, then we got back together a few months ago to work on things, but all my old feelings got triggered when we resumed intimacy, so I had to back off from it. He has not hit me since October of last year, so I am now seeking advice on how to forgive and heal. I will research under those key words you gave me: battered woman syndrome. Thank you. Thanks for writing me!
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I did. I divorced him, then we got back together a few months ago to work on things, but all my old feelings got triggered when we resumed intimacy, so I had to back off from it.
He has not hit me since October of last year, so I am now seeking advice on how to forgive and heal. I will research under those key words you gave me: battered woman syndrome. Thank you. Forgiving is very inappropriate unless and until he seeks help for his problem and makes radical changes. You can't heal as long as you are in danger. You are not safe with this man. Your first order of business should be to separate from him and stay separated until seeks help and makes radical, long term changes in his behavior. As you told us in your first post, your H is not a wife beater on a daily basis, but intermittently: lol He has been physically abusive our entire marriage, not daily or weekly but he would snap every 4 months or so, hitting me; hereNothing has changed. It is just a matter of time until he explodes and beats you up again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How to forgive? It's a choice. Mine was easy because I was held up with hatred and didn't want to live that way, I was ready to MOVE ON. I don't know how to forgive a physical abuser and stay with them. Perhaps disarming them somehow? Gaining the upper hand? Carrying a gun and knowing you are in the power seat? Dunno. I wish I had slit my ex's throat and killed him when I had the chance, before he shot that girl. How to heal? Well, forgiveness is needed, but so is safety. If you don't feel safe, you won't heal. I don't know what safety feels like to you. I didn't feel safe until my ex was in prison. How to love? Find someone who is concerned about your safety.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Good point MelodyLane. Thank you. I had to breathe a sigh after reading that revelation.
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I gleaned some good points from that advice CWMI. Thank you.
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I agree with the battered woman syndrome
I once counseled a girl, 19, who used to
Like the "bad boys", but her hood drug dealing boyfriend was just, " troubled", she said
I asked her did she go to the cops and tell him to buzz off? Didn't she have a father or would her brother stand up for her at home? I think she liked playing with fire and the "poor little troubled rebel boy" thing.
I understood all that, and she seemed to also, heck I was 23 and straighten out a few out of control idiots, oh yeah they were so tough lol.
But I was very understanding and at the same time adamant that this was not love, and to stay away from him, go to the cops for everyones good.
A year later he beat her head in with a hammer in the woods and she died
Wish I was more than a co- worker who just went to work as a dishwasher because I could not stand being still with a cast on my leg or not. Wish I could have beaten that idiot within an inch of his life. He was a piece of garbage.
Then there is the dozens of these damsels in distress, lovers of all the drama, the ones who just are used to the abuse and see it as normal. 1st class in love with the abuse, and the men who love to deal it out. Oh btw, thier life always seems to be so hard.
My sister in law, used to have an issue she wanted my late wife to "talk and help" her with with the company of a six-pack , "I don't know what to do!" My wife would say, " leave him! You know CP will protect you and your kids if you come here and will go to the cops with you!"
But of course, she lurved him. No she loved the lowlife excuse to feel sorry for herself, and until I moved our family away, my wife was allways sucked in
But no, there was no reason to go to AA, there were no triggers or anything
This site deals mostly with how to restore romantic love, there is not much of that including a beating that could even help you I am afraid
You do not see how this has effected you luvinlife, you need serious help also hon, this man is not a man, he's a cruel boy, and you are in danger along with the kids
Yes there is help somewhere, and some here I am sure, but I cannot for the life of me, understand why you would give this man one more minute of your presence. Those are the guys who would disappear if the law couldn't straigtsn them out, you need to get away and be protected, maybe if he can't get his abuse fix he will grow a pair, and beating people does not make you a man.
You are an enabler right now, and he is a ticking time bomb who needs to grow up. He should seek professional help, and if he doesn't maybe he should do some time, or just get in a cage like an animal and stay there.
He has no business being a father, and he damned straight ain't no husband.
Get some professional help, house of Ruth is a good source, read here and learn and dream of the possibilitys, but know it's more than dreaming, and wishful thinking, it's actual doing, that gets things done
Please help yourself for Gods sake
Until and while you are getting treatment, get the books by Dr H, and read your bible to find out what love is, and what men are
Praying for you, but really afraid that might ecourage you to sit on your butt and feel sorry for yourself
May God step in and help you
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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