I have waited around to see if my husband would work on his anger problem. I just cannot bring myself to trust him or give myself to him. I still see he has anger issues and given the right environment, he would hit me still. We have been very distant. Tension in the air. He would never fear to converse with me or tell me his feelings b/c I am not aggressive. I do not feel this way about him. After much meditation and dread, I finally decided I cannot heal here with him. I have to move out. I am so sad to divide my time with my children. I have to share them b/c he is their father and they deserve a relationship- I just wish I could be their mother every single day of their life!!!!! Full time mom, not part-time. I mean hands on, I realize I am still their mom when they will be with them but still not there. But I have a question for you advice givers: (and I do appreciate all of you and your advice. Thank you) WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT EVEN MORE WHEN I DECIDE TO END THE RELATIONSHIP? WHY DO I FEEL AN ATTRACTION TO HIM AFTER I MENTALLY SEPARATE MYSELF FROM THE RELATIONSHIP? IS THIS NORMAL? I DON'T KNOW. Very confusing to myself. lol

It's probably because in preparing to move, he no longer has power over you so that's exciting. It's your own empowerment, likely has nothing to do with him.

I would be cautious about the child situation.

When are you leaving, where are you going? Be very careful moving out, have someone (preferably a big someone) with you. Are you married? Can you just file and ask for residence of the home you're in and get him out?

Thank you for writing CWMI. Yes, I do feel free and empowered just anticipating the move. But when we divorced before, and I was not exposed to his control, I felt attracted to him. I wish he could prove to me that he would never be physically abusive again. I would like to be a family.

He has never been physically abusive toward the children. They are small and malleable. I don't think there will be issues until they are older. He spends good quality time with them. Where he has failed would be in his bad temper and abuse toward me. They are definitely prone to do whatever he says to make sure dad is happy. They don't want to meet his disapproval. But he gives them attention, cares about them, and takes good care of them. So that's good. I think he takes solace in them since I started strongly expressing I would not continue to endure this marriage. I think they make him feel better.

Now to answer your questions: I am planning to leave this week. I have an apartment I will be moving into. My family will be here to help me. We are married. Married 13 years, separated for two, divorced him for 4 months, then tried to work things out again. Remarried in April, and now separating again. Ugh! Exhausting!

I cannot stay in the home b/c I will not be able to afford it.

Again, thank you for writing.

Sorry I missed you luvnlife, I haven't visited this site for ages.

I hope that the move was successful and that you are settling in OK.


Like CWMI, I believe it is about your empowerment....you no longer feel that you have to be with him....you now feel you have a choice, instead of being trapped and resenting the entrapment. As you have identified - the relationship would still be toxic.

I found the questions in this test interesting and highlighted a few things for me to think on. It may be of interest to you as you move on and focus on yourself. ***EDIT***

**edit**

Please contact Justuss, our administrator, at Justuss2@aol.com concerning this request.

Thank you for your cooperation in abiding by the TOS for MB.

Been a long time. But this is the only place I have schpilled feelings or sought advice. Since it was a successful place to receive advice, I am back! Hello everyone. I see in amazement that it has been a year and a half since I posted. In that time, things basically continued stagnant. We remained separated. I was enjoying my single life. And he was continuing to ask me to try again. The past 6 months I was really leaning toward that. It had been 4 years since I first left him for abuse. I believe that was the right decision. I do not believe I had solid basis to return for the first 2 years for sure. But then he began getting active in church and the kids began to love him. And I noticed this as of recent. But I had an affair and slept with one person while we were apart. I did so intentionally b/c I did not feel I would reunite with my ex but to avoid mega problems during that time, knowing the woman he dated while we were divorced the first time, I just felt like I was going to keep us STILL MARRIED FOR AS LONG AS I COULD TO KEEP THIS WOMAN OUT OF MY CHILDREN'S LIFE. But then I couldn't refrain from tellin him the truth. He still wanted to forgive me but a part of me was just reluctant to do so. B/c I was not willing to risk abuse again or controlling ways. WE divorced our second time 4 months ago. And yep, just like I predicted, he married that lady (our mutual "friend" of a decade) as soon as the 60 days of waiting was up!!! And I was crushed! I am miserable. I wish now that I had walked through hell and high water to keep my family! Two weeks before he married her, he told me he still loved me and that he still wanted us to be a family. As I stated, I was leaning toward that, so I told him we would talk and work on things. But a few days later, I heard he had went out with her and my children and I got mad and never called him as I said I would. Then BAM two weeks later, they are married. My kids are fine with it so far. Everyone is living on adrenaline and excitement. And I am now only remembering GOOD MEMORIES of being a family! WE had lots of good times and good memories and I would rather be there than HER IN MY PLACE! What if he had changed for the better? and put on a new personality from studying God's word? The kids say he acts happy and that they get along. So maybe he is different now. But I didn't want this. I didn't want to share my children with a woman I do not respect or like!!!! They are on a trip right now, and I want to be the one with my family! She is driving my Denali! And in my home DOING MY KIDS LAUNDRY! It's eating me alive! So I need advice please? All I ever wanted was my family but I back slid and lost out. We traded places. I became selfish and enjoyed my freedom while he was working on himself in church and moved on so he could have a family. Thank you for listening to me. Ask me any questions if I left pieces out so that this is incoherent...

Why don't you go into Plan B so you can heal?

He is not as changed as you think, for he would have worked to give you just compensation, but instead married the OW as quickly as he could. I agree with BrainHurts: Plan B so your heart won't get jerked around.

Thank you both!!!! I will read & apply this Plan B. Hope you have a nice day and thank you for taking time to read & help someone.

Here you go.
How to Plan B Correctly

Also this.
What are Plan A and Plan B

Hi Luvinlife,

One of the main reasons people recover after an A is for the kids.

However since your H is abusive to the kids, a separation is really the best way to go for them.

As a mother you need to do all you can to put distance between this abuser and your precious family.

I say this because I am totally APALLED at the behaviour you describe between your XH and kids.




You can't possibly have known a loving father if you think this is one.

A dad who makes them afraid. Hits their mother. Abuses their mother. One who can't be displeased. One who has an OW.

A loving father is one who hasn't hit them.. YET? Not to me.

I have a really good friend whose father was angry and abusive. Never physically, but who cares about that when you have an angry dad? He still gets upset about it in his thirties though he voluntarily hasn't seen his father since he was young.

But at least his mother didn't normalise it for him. She got him out of there. If she hadn't, he'd be doing the same thing to his kids today, thinking it was normal, instead of being the gentle loving person he is now.

Get into Plan B; protect yourself and your kids.

Thanks everybody! I read & meditate on your words! I appreciate the links. I bookmarked them to devour tonight! . Good evening to you!

Good luck to you Sweetie. Plan B is an amazing land of opportunity .

What I'm getting from Plan B is very little contact. Which has been my situation for almost 2 years. It did not help. Just caused him to deviate from any convincing me to forgive and believe he was different, to deciding to move on. Therefore, my question is what is the long term purpose of Plan B? I do not see in anything I read of how it's going to help me "not get my heart jerked around..." My heart is hurt that my children are in the presence of a woman I greatly dislike and disrespect. I do not want to share my children. I do not want to see HER personality shining through in my children. I guess I have to do my best while I don't like it, just deal with it. I just wish we had both walked through hell and high water to keep our family intact and done whatever it took to fix things. He asked me repeatedly for 4 years and I was reluctant. The first two years did not merit reconciliation, as he was NOT good marriage or father material. But now I feel I could have made things work. And it would have been better than a step family with THIS WOMAN! GRRR.

Plan B is NO contact. None. Zilch. Only critical information transmitted (and filtered) through an intermediary.

Alis is totally right. Plan B is NO contact, and not just that - it is no information, not even third hand.

I don't waste any of my precious time thinking about my WXH, because I have no idea who he is. He could have joined the circus, or decided to devote his life to the poor in the two years since I saw him last. It would be like pondering the fate of a complete stranger.

To be honest with you, I have no idea if he is alive or dead. The last I heard he had moved to the Philippines, but when the disaster struck there recently, I didn't even remember about that. It was others who reminded me.

That's Plan B. It is the gift of indifference which allows you to focus entirely on YOU.

It takes time, and is harder to achieve complete darkness with children, so Plan B mothers typically take a bit longer to heal than us childless ones. So you should probably get started.



The best thing you can do is build an amazing Plan B world for you and your children in which waywardness is entirely shut out. They need you to come home to, and for you to be happy and whole.

I know a few grown up people who had wayward stepmothers. None of them took on her personality! They ran far from it as soon as they could.



No you couldn't have, and you know it. He is his own problem, not yours.

x2

(sigh) I love Plan B! You'll feel a million times better, LuvnLife.

Here.
How to Plan B Correctly