You know, you can give him a call for free on his radio show.

What about EPs? How did you do everything if you didn't have EPs in place?

I already knowwhat he will say.. We need to put ep's in place, meet needs, be o&h, etc.

I think I'm just too messed up for anyone or anything to help me.

I guess i was so focused on my h's ep's that I didn't put any of my own in place. I feel horrible. Just want to crawl into a hole and never come back out.

With that kind of attitude, yes you are.

Ready to stop the pity party and get to work?

I hate to be the bad guy here, but...



It sounds to me like you husband is still of a wayward mind set and the you have been worked and persuaded into giving the OK to go outside the marriage for SF (you first, then he would be allowed to follow as things progressed).

You say you POJA'd the threesome. Are you sure it was mutual and enthusiastic, or was it discussed and encouraged until you wore down?

The key here is that your husband convinced you that this was a good way to finally put HIS affair behind him. Think about how warped and twisted that logic is!

I believe your husband still has the wayward mindset and gets excitement from SF outside the marriage, even if it starts with you, but better if it ends with him getting some too.

You said that you had a long talk with your husband last night and agreed to never do it again. If everything I said is wrong, perhaps he'll realize how hurt you are, drop the idea, and never mention it again.

If he starts bringing it up in the next weeks, months, or year and asks "was it really that bad? Didn't you enjoy it on some level?"

If you hear that you will know that I am right.

She is of a wayward mindset, too. Unless he held a gun to her head, no one forced her to do this. And if she had followed the program and had EPs in place, she never would have done it even if he was twisting her arm. She wanted to, and she did.

She needs to take responsibility for her own actions.

If you read the books and followed the program, did you not get the major part of the whole program being
that you do not spend time in intimacy (i.e. sex) with someone outside of the marriage.
that you steer clear of potential trouble with other people (i.e. threesome)

Was that not noticed, noted?

It is a MAJOR part of the marriage builder program!

I'm sure this is true.
Now what?
Are there answers to be found in that "hole"?

Going into a hole and sulking would be so easy.
That takes no effort whatsoever.

Now what?
Ask some different questions.

Put on your "big girl panties" and fix this.
No one is impressed with your self bashing.

WH: Okay, sorry I had an affair. Tell you what, why don't you bang some dude and then we'll be even.

HBD: I don't know.

WH: Come on... I'll even join in to make sure no funny business takes place.

HBD: Oh, well in that case, sure!

Why is the part I put in red germane to the discussion?

Why did you feel the need to say that?


That just leads me to believe that you are not the least bit sad, remorseful, guilt ridden or anything else about what you did.

That little part would be said with a smile.

committed

No, I wanted to do it for the reasons I've already stated. Also, I could feel my H slowly drifting away from me again (showing very little interest in me and the family) and I desperately wanted him to see that I am desirable and any man would want me.

Also, I wanted my H to feel a little bit of the Pain I felt after his A. I don't know why, but this was also important to me at the time.

These are idiotic thoughts, I know, but that's what I was thinking when I agreed to it.

I know my H wanted to do it to justify his A somewhat. I knew that going into it.

My arm wasn't twisted at all...I'm just plain twisted.

It was fun AT THE TIME. I enjoyed it AT THE TIME. Believe me, no one is more disgusted by that than me.

Sometimes a relationship is beyond fixing. Don't you think?

I'm not saying that we are going to get a divorce, far from it. In fact, we are closer now than we ever have been. The conversations we have had post threesome have been so deep, so personal, so emotional for both of us that I know we can overcome anything. I can't explain it. I just know that we will never ever have a normal marriage, but we will be together forever. Two twisted peas in a pod.

The pity party feels great, doesn't it.

Turns my stomach to listen to it, actually.

You're not the first BS to become a wayward. You haven't done anything unique. There's nothing special here that makes you any more twisted than any other wayward.

When are you going to buckle down and get to work?

Been reading your hurtagainbydavid thread.

This just isnt going to work unless you are prepared to do the hard work. Because the things that do work are hard.

You wanted to believe what your wh said to you following his affair was the truth - because it was easier to believe that ignorance is bliss, than to snoop, expose and set firm boundaries. Easier but did it work?

You wanted to believe you could regain his love for you with the jealousy you hoped to generate from this revenge affair (because thats what it was). Again, easier. However you found out the hard way that a man just is not jealous over a woman he has no romantic love for.

Then there is the issue of your poor boundaries. You have said you were so focused on your h's EPs you did not put any in place of your own. This is just lazy. Someone who has had an affair before their marriage and read up on Dr H's policies knows better where poor boundaries will land you. You knew, but it's EASIER to get your admiration fix (and a need for jealousy is also that) from an OP than from your husband

You may have to let him go entirely if he refuses to change his wayward mindset. Very difficult that. Will you do it or search for an easier option?

On top of all that, you don't want to call Dr H in case he tells you to do some hard things that you dont want to do.

Did you come here for people to tell you not to feel guilty? Do you ant us to tell you that because your h has now told you that he DID feel jealous that he must now be telling the truth?

Like he did before?

Are you prepared to do the hard work, yes or no?

Wow what a great excuse to be lazy.

OK.
Bye