My husband of twenty years recently confessed that nearly six years ago, during a period of huge change in our lives, he made a dumb mistake.

I�ll provide a little back story so that I can ask my question.

He has a sports car that I surprised him with for his birthday one year. It was something he�s always wanted and I was thrilled to be able to get it for him. We call it the �date car� and take it out for special occasions and top down scenic drives. He also has a model of it in his office.

Long story short � he was attracted to a woman at his office. She noticed the model of the car and commented that she liked them. He told her he had one at home. Shortly thereafter he drove the car to work one day and took her for a ride. He said he immediately realized he was being stupid, risking his marriage, his job (she was a subordinate), etc. and that�s where things ended. They took a short ride and nothing else ever happened. He left that company shortly thereafter for a better opportunity and we moved to another state. He made the decision not to tell me about it because he said he knew it would hurt me.

A strange series of events led me to ask whether any other woman had ever ridden in the car. He initially told me no, but a few days later sat me down and told me the story about the long ago ride. I was really, really upset. Not just that it had happened, but that he had kept it from me for so long.

Things have been mostly great between us over the years but there have been times when I�ve sensed he was keeping something from me and it�s made me think I was crazy. I think this secret has been festering all this time. We�re working through things in counseling and he�s been wonderful.

The problem is the stupid car. It sits in the garage under a cover and hasn�t moved since this all came out. He loves that car and doesn�t want to get rid of it but says he will if I really need him to. I don�t know what to do. If I make him sell it, I worry that he�ll resent me. However, I can�t imagine ever wanting to ride in it again. I�m afraid it will always be a trigger.

I�m looking for some objective opinions.

I will tell you how the Marriage Builders concepts would apply here but I would strongly suggest you get the book His Needs, Her Needs, so you can learn the skills to resolve these kinds of problems yourself.

Absolutely, he should get rid of it! You are right, you would be triggered by the car.

The greatest risk for resentment would be with you if he kept the car. That is because any residual resentment he has will fade with time, but your resentment will be triggered every time you see the car. So, it is your resentment that is the problem, not his.

The purchase of the car also violates the policy of joint agreement. Since he did not give you the complete facts when he bought it, he violated the POJA. Would you have agreed to his purchase of the car if he had told you why? And told you he had taken this woman for a ride?

Dr Harley addresses what to do when the POJA is violated in his book Lovebusters, pg 170. Your situation is different but the principle is the same.
And lastly, has your husband tightened up his boundaries around women so this type of thing doesn't happen again?

SHE bought the car, Mel.

Get rid of it. Go pick out another one, together. Same model, same year if you like, but get rid of that tainted car. It is not worth keeping.

I see that! It doesn't change a word I said.

Not these? "The purchase of the car also violates the policy of joint agreement. Since he did not give you the complete facts when he bought it, he violated the POJA. Would you have agreed to his purchase of the car if he had told you why? And told you he had taken this woman for a ride?"

Right. It still violates the POJA because she did not have those facts.

I have read His Needs, Her Needs and that's probably the only reason I am even considering having him get rid of the car. So often I'm the one who is guilty of putting my needs aside.

My husband has tightened up his boundaries. I think this episode scared the heck out of him. Our counselor thinks we have an amazing marriage and is helping us make it even better.

CWMI, thanks for clearing up the car purchase issue. I was happy to buy it for him but certainly wouldn't have if I had thought it might contribute to something stupid like this.

We've talked about replacing it and I'm sure we'll reach some mutually satisfying conclusion. I just wanted to ask someone outside the situation if I was being unreasonable. Tainted is the exact word I used to describe it the other day.

I'm confused why you think I didn't have all the facts before I purchased the car.

This is absolutely reasonable because it would hurt your marriage to keep it. Like I said earlier, the greater risk of resentment comes from YOU. Your instincts are correct that the car should go. And if you find something he likes to replace it with, there is less chance that he would have any problem with it. And really, that is a small price to pay for his part in tainting the car.

Sorry for the confusion, I misread and thought he had purchased the car himself because of his attraction. My eyes are tired tonight!

I don't think it changes anything if she bought the car. In fact, if anything it makes what he did worse. All this time she's thinking it was a special car/gift and he basically made it ugly. Not only that, keeping this a secret for so long says he KNEW how it would hurt her but he kept the lie by omission going. He was attracted to this woman. Why didn't he confess THAT at the time?

I suspect that car holds more secrets than he's telling.

Dump the car. He should buy her the car of her dreams (after they POJA it of course.)

What prompted him to tell you, stupidcar?

Mel, one day I washed the car as a surprise for him. While vacuuming it I came across a hair. It was mine - I've been shedding like crazy lately. For some reason, while telling him about it, I jokingly asked the question. Maybe I suspected, I'm not sure.

With all the celebrity cheating scandals we've been talking alot about honesty and secrets - think Arnold. He said once I directly asked the question he couldn't keep the secret.

I think that keeping the secret all these years has put some distance between us that wouldn't have been there. There is definitely some damage but we're both committed to working through it. He's the one that called the counselor, made the first appointment, has been willing to do whatever it takes to make this right.

The fact that I bought the car and that it has been our special "date car" does make it worse. I can't believe how icky it makes me feel to think that he was headed down that dangerous path and that I helped provide the vehicle - pun intended.

By the way - he bought me my dream car a year ago!

Thanks for the input. I needed someone to tell me I wasn't being unreasonable. I really want this to be a POJA. I don't want to force him to sell it and am praying he reaches that decision on his own. I have shared my feelings and am letting him process it without throwing out any ultimatums. I see definite signs that he is getting used to the idea of it going away.

Um...stupidcar I'm sorry to throw fuel on the fire but I have a REALLY hard believing that the distance and unease you have been feeling is because of the "festering" of THIS particular secret. It just doesn't make sense, not where a guy is concerned.

I guess what I'm saying is: keep your powder dry, and snoop like crazy.

There are some other issues that have come up in counseling and we are working through them. However, they are unrelated to the car and that was the question I needed answered.

The thing is with objects that are tainted by an affair there is no need to POJA. It is the right of the BS to have the object removed from their and their WS's lives.

Whether a sofa or the whole house. Many a WH had to sell their dream vehicle and forced to down size to an econo box because they no longer were in a place financially post affair to treat themselves to another expensive car. The consequences of having an affair. You dance, you don't complain that the band has to be played.

And this is a simple case this is not an everday car.

Get another date vehicle. Your dream vehicle, car, motorcycle. Nothing more fun the riding in a 4dr jeep wrangler with the doors off going on a picnic.

As has been done before whether to toss into the garbage, cut, tear, rip, barnfire, sell, donate to charity. The method does not matter.

Pick the method most enjoyable, fastest, or any combination that makes the BS the happiest.

This was the main topic of conversation in our counseling session last night. He hopes that with some time I will feel less strongly about it and we can keep the car. He and the counselor suggested storing it somewhere so I don't have to see it everyday. I was reminded by the counselor that the car didn't hurt me, my husband did and that he didn't have an affair, just a lapse in judgement.

I'm pretty upset. I wish that he cared enough about my feelings that he couldn't wait to get rid of the stupid thing.

He has been researching other vehicles but he has a strong attachment to this particular car. We bought it brand new, it's always been garage kept, under a cover AND they stopped making them a couple of years ago so we can't get another new one.

BUT, the car triggers your feelings, though, and that is what matters. Your feelings won't fade in time, but his will. His would fade by replacing it with another car. Yours will be triggered every time you see the car. And you will also be reminded that he placed the car above your feelings.

If I were you, I would consult Dr Harley and see what he says. Dr Harley is a licensed psychologist. You can get his advice for free on his radio show by sending him an email. He will answer your question on the radio and then could replay it for your husband.

Yeah! What melody lane said.