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Joined: Oct 2009
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Tweety, that's certainly part of it, making the effort to try to understand what we've put our spouses through. Back in January, my wife put a little bit of just one day of her suffering here for people to see (http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=162467&Number=2461916#Post2461916), and so you can see that the pain we inflict when we cheat can still be pretty vivid even two years out. But that doesn't mean we're not in a much better place than 2 & a half years ago in the immediate aftermath of my affair.
Earlier, you asked how long should you punish yourself & how long should he be punishing you. That misses the point. You "punishing" yourself, and him punishing you, is not going to get you to where you want to be in your marriage.
Yes, it's proper for people who have affairs to feel rotten about what we did. As I was told by someone wiser here, guilt isn't altogether a bad thing; it means you have a functioning conscience & are less likely to ever do this again. So that's something you can leverage into right actions for your marriage.
However, being in a self-loathing mode is not really any better than being in a self-defensive mode, because it's really about you, & not about the marriage & your partner in that marriage. It doesn't accomplish the necessary actions (1) to make your husband feel emotionally safe, (2) to better meet his emotional needs, and (3) in so doing, to make it more likely that he'll want to meet your needs better, too.
The MarriageBuilders approach is about actions. Although I got bits & pieces of it from the marriage counselor that we lucked into, and from the book Surviving an Affair (which she used as one of our texts), I was able to better internalize a lot of the concepts from hanging out & reading here on this site.
I hope you do the same, and maybe your husband, too. As you've already seen, as the wayward spouse, you will surely get some comments that may seem harsh or unsympathetic at this moment. You may view many of them differently a few months down the road.
Recovering a marriage can be done & done well, and if your husband hasn't moved out or sicked a lawyer on you already, then you're in a decent place to make it work. But your actions from this point forward will be important. In the end, they may still fail, because infidelity is not something that many spouses feel they can forgive. But you want to be in position where you can say that, however bad you messed up, however selfish you got -- more selfish than you ever thought you'd get, I'll bet -- you have given it your best shot to make amends & keep & build upon the relationship you had in mind when you accepted his ring. Stick around, and again, if you have questions, by all means, do ask. There's a lot of collective, painfully-gained wisdom to be had for free here. God bless.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Joined: Oct 2007
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tweety, welcome to MB. You've got some pretty great people posting to you already.
I just wanted to comment on the advice you are giving to other people. I would just recommend that you familiarize yourself with all of the Basic Concepts and also look over the Q&A articles. It would also be helpful for you to read the entire thread.
Again, welcome.
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Not telling OMW is harming HER. And badly.
What would you do if you found out somebody deliberately decided not to tell you the same information.
Look. I had about 10 yrs ago, a very very nice man and patient of mine look me directly in the eyes and bawl his eyes out to me next, after he explained to me why he had gotten a divorce.
He had gone to Vegas for a work convention, and had sf with a call girl.
He thought he could keep that to himself the rest of his life. Then about 3 months later he began feeling odd. Tired. And he got a strange type of skin problem (was kaposi's sarcoma developing) and it turns out he'd contracted aids from the call girl.
He infected his wife with hiv and she divorced him so fast it would make your head swim. They had a 1 yo at the time and what if it had been a year earlier? he might have even infected his own child.
So yea, denying someone the truth CAN cost them their health.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 29
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GloveOil gave me the most wisdom and insight I've heard in months. That includes advice I've been given from a pastor, a professional counselor and a close friend.
Last edited by tweety_21ca; 08/02/11 03:07 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2005
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Peachy, nice job spelling "bawl" right. I appreciate that!
tl
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