I totally agree in regard to the PI being able to establish things that I can not.

Thank you for the recommendation on the book, will order a copy right away.

The courts somewhat biased opinion and the fact that from the side it may seem like I "left", is exactly why I am trying so hard to document and establish on record exactly what is happening.

@indiegirl- I wasn't referring to just the thoughts.. I've actually experienced varied wayward actions from the very beginning. For years, I was duped by the "ur trying to control me, u cant trust me, this is not normal, blah blah".

I couldn't agree more regarding the plans. I am already ready for either outcome as well, but my heart just bleeds seeing our 2yr old son's smile and thinking what can be more important than this.

@itistoughlove- about two years ago, she had a female friend in her life and for the longest I thought that this friend was the worst influence. When their friendship was over, another friend came into the picture, I realized it wasn't the friends which were pulling her to go out, not come home, peer pressure or what not..it was all her/wife... she was looking for people to hang out with, who had nothing better to do with their lives.

Based on that, wouldn't killing this high (OM), just make her create another one? Shouldn't it come from the heart, the wanting to be with ur family and not being forced to be?

@happyheart- You know that is probably the scenario which she wants. Prior to me moving out, she didn't see anything wrong in her life. She didn't mind the fact that she always came late, went out on weekends, was always tired to go the three of us somewhere, park, zoo, etc... On top of that, the burden of paying all the bills was on me.

I never imagined leaving when I in fact didn't do anything wrong. I have asked her to move out, due to her behavior, several times. It would go ignored, quite down for a week, then kick back the following.

She most likely does feel like she's missing out. But you know whats interesting, she pushed for engagement, she pushed for marriage and we both took time to decide that we're ready for our child.

By killing it, you actually show you care. It shows where you stand. It shows your boundaries and real love.

Allthough I'm all against taking children away from their mothers, if she is not willing to spend time with your child and is parking it at various family members, maybe you should be working at getting custody.

Have you already consulted an attorney to ask what is the best way to go about this? Either mobving in, or not, or gathering evidence?
Because they are probably not going to have the child change living arrangements in the best interest of the child.
That's why you should ask a lawyer about moving out/in and/or getting your wife to move out, which will indeed be better if you have hard evidence of her absency and/or affair.

Wish you the best and much wisdom in this situation,

Happyheart.

Yes her returning the marriage has to be a decision she makes. EXPOSURE always pizzes them off because they are truly getting their fantasy slaughtered.

She chose the get married, have a baby, and be a family. With that comes responsiblity. If she wants to continue going out and partying then you both jointly agree that you will also attend with her. SHe cannot do it without you, and it has to be enthusiastically agreed by the both of you.

Her independent behavior is currently a love buster. Is it an addiction, there isn't enough evidence to know. The nature of affairs is an addiction.

During her independent behavior she chose to let her boundaries down and this invited another man to come in and meet those needs.

You have to enforce your boundary.

1) No contact for Life
2) Commit to a plan of recovery

This plan of recovery doesn't include independent behavior or dishonesty.

If she is unwilling then you will need to separate from her with Plan B. She needs to feel the hard reality of a what a divorce would look like with you. No money, No child, no contact with you. Let's see if that would wake her up?

Tough~

I'm not dealing with an abusive, drug addicted spouse, so I would never want to take our son away from her. He loves her dearly. At the same time, I think you said it best, "parking it" is exactly what she has been doing.

I haven't consulted an attorney yet. I'm young and inexperienced in this matter. Although, I have started researching for a good attorney to atleast start a consultation.

Thank you

I agree. But where do you draw the line? Is it fair to live your whole life killing high's and feeling worthless?

Our conversations would start off by her stating how annoyed she is that I exposed my findings to our family (hers and mine). That I need to stop running to our parents and we should handle this on our own.

You're right, she did choose it all. She did once opened up to me and said that she underestimated what it meant to be a wife and a mother. And that she doesn't think she is capable of this task.

I honestly don't feel like we're in a recovery stage at all. We did decide to take time, read Dr. Harley's book, reevaluate everything..but during that time, quitely she did even more damage while living to the fullest.

Have you explained to her that evidently the two of you aren't doing a very good job of 'doing this on your own'?

If I had a child and my marriage was in trouble I'd be calling in every bit of help that I could. It's that important.

I have tried talking and explaining everything in every way possible. Regardless of how we're handling it, she wants it kept quite. Her parents respect is important to her. Plus in light of everything being exposed, her parents told her numerous times that if she sells her family off for some kicks and laughs, they will want nothing to do with her.

You're right, it is that important. Especially for our son, who is stuck in the middle of the tug of war.

This is exactly why you do not want to keep it 'quiet' - exposing to them is working.

Goodness me. Has she ever said anything that didnt go along the lines of 'let me do what I want' (dont tell mommy on me!) or, worse, (I cant dooooooo it, its too haaaard its not my fault waaaa)



Shes basically a naughty little girl who has learned how to pull strings. Everything she says it seems comes easy because she does not expect to have back up those words with actions. Seemingly no one has ever made her.

She could grow up, but she needs to experience the full force of consequences imo.

I would stop treating her like a grown up until she behaves like one.



Fantastic news. She will soon get the chance to earn their respect, rahter than just faking it as she has done so far. Once she gets pushed out into the real world by exposure, she will be forced to use actions to gain respect, instead of lies.

Its wonderful that they are likely to be hard on her. She needs a kick in the a$$

The problem I'm having is she's constantly downplaying the facts to our parents, making it seem not as bad as it seems. For instance, explaining that her dancing on top of the bar isn't a huge deal, since it was a closed party with only her co-workers, not in an open bar/club. I mean really?

Please show me a husband that would be okay with that? Or am I just going insane here...

They dont know the rest of it though do they? They proably just dont want you to get too mad at her, while they scold her on the quiet to prevent her doing worse. (she doesnt like them knowing, so she must be getting flak, else she wouldnt care) Expose properly and they will prob give you the backing you need.

RMV - I am going to repeat what I wrote before.

Your wife is addicted. Plain and simple. She may be addicted to the attention, the OM, or the freedom. It doesn't matter, her brain chemicals are reacting as if a drug is controlling her.

She is displaying behavior that is identical to a drunk, drug addict, or any other wayward out there. YOu cannot rationalize with her.

She will continuously blame you, blame her life, blame everything except herself. She is trying to justify her behavior. She is very immature and not showing your child what a great role model is.

Above I established a plan for you to save your marriage. It is a very narrow plan, and if executed correctly it will give you the best chance at saving your marriage.

1) She must go No Contact with OM for Life.
2) She must commit to a program of recovery (this will mean she has to end her independent lifestyle and dishonesty.)

If she is unwilling to do #1 then you should look to separate in a Plan B from her.

It is your choice. We want you to save your family, and we want you to save your family. You cannot while she is in an active affair.

I recommend you really take a good look at her mothering skills. Yes she loves her son, but does she love him enough to raise him with good morals, values, and integrity. Right now she has none of those.

Remember as long as she stays at this level of her value system, she will continuously attract men with the same value system. Do you want your son raised around a man she meets in a bar?

EXPOSURE of this entire situation wide and far will likely end this affair and possibly her behavior immediately.

Please EXPOSE so you can save your marriage. EXPOSURE has killed so many affairs - it is the best tool you have.

itistoughlove- I couldn't agree with you more. It really is identical to a drunk or drug addict. I came to the same conclusion myself in regard to not being able to talk any sense whatsoever.

1) I'm not too certain if its one OM in particular, or an addictive behavior to just go out and have fun. I am planning to hiring a PI to get to the bottom of this. If its not a particular OM, but a character trait, how does this change the plan??

2) We are far from this. Verbally she has agreed to this many times, but behind my back and parents, would continue to act in her ways.

Way before I even found MB, not knowingly, I tried Plan A. Later just to be hit with another smack in the face (second phone), which led to shaky Plan B. The reason I say shaky is because I allowed partial contact, while trying to let her feel what she's lost. Right now, I am planning to do a proper Plan B, get a PI and consult an attorney.

You aren't the first person to hit the point straight on. Says she loves our son, but wont consider the damage she's doing with her behavior. I think her parent's relationship has a lot to do with this. She grew up seeing her Dad cheat all the time, and yet following his very foot steps now.