My wife and I are having a difficult time resolving an issue and are seeking advice from other couples. About a month after our daughter was born my wife�s ex lover came to see our daughter. When I answered the door the ex said he didn�t know I was home and had heard from a previous co-worker that my wife had just had the baby and he had come to see her. I was surprised by this because we had all three worked together when my wife and I started dating, I did not know that they had had a relationship or that they were friends. I let him in and called my wife. She came to the door, he told her the same, she got our daughter and let him hold her. He held her for a few seconds and left. I asked what that was about, my wife lied and said they were friends. The next day she told me they had sex a few times before we started dating. He had called once while she was pregnant and she didn�t tell me. She told him we were together and having a baby. We were in an off and on relationship before me moving in and conception. She had gone to his surprise birthday party at a restaurant a month before I moved in and didn�t tell me. After my wife and I lived together for two weeks I went to jail for three weeks prior to conception and felt we should get a DNA test. She says they didn�t have sex while I was in jail or since we started dating, the sexual relationship was over since the beginning when we first started dating.
We have different opinions and don�t know why this man would feel the need to come see our new baby. Has anyone had a similar situation or helpful opinion as to why he came over? If you are a man and had a sexual friendship with a woman, would you have thought about seeing the baby? Why or why not?

I would insist on a DNA test. It does not sound she is being honest about relationship with this guy. I would also advise you to put a key logger on her computer and a GPS on her car. You are not getting the full truth.

It's odd...

He may have been suspicious if the baby MIGHT have been his as men are horrible trackers of time and he figured just by holding the baby he'd just know if it was possibly his (and he needed to be sure).

Did you say you DID do a dna test? If not, I'd certainly be doing one as, in most states, you only have so much time to object to paternity or else the kid is yours regardless of biology. Just do the test privately and consider carefully before discussing the results with anyone (i.e. - come back here and discuss it with people that have been there if the child is NOT, in fact, yours). For example, you MAY want to raise the baby you've no doubt attached to as your own and saying anything about paternity to the xlover may hurt your chances of doing so.

So...yes it's weird. I can't think of any reason for me to have ever stopped by a married ex-girlfriends house to see her baby. My gut says they aren't having an affair NOW (or else he wouldn't have come over while YOU were there) but absent him being concerned about HIM being the father (but not wanting to say anything) the only other reason I can think of is he's got power over your wife and he's still playing mind games with her OR he's going way over board trying to be a "nice guy" to lay ground work for getting her back later (was he a broken hearted puppy dog over losing her to you?)

Mr. W

Yup...

Inspect what you expect.

Check out the Operation Investigate forum.

You are MUCH more likely to snoop out the truth about your life rather than by asking and demanding the truth from your wife. If there IS a juicy secret such as OM is the father or they had sex after you two got serious, you are less likely to get the truth from her by asking than you are by snooping it out. If you confirm she's told you the truth all along...well, how great would that be.

Hope she's not reading here too (waves)

Mr. W

you know what you have to do.

get that dna test done.

Are you legally married? When did you get married?

Thanks for your replies. I did have the DNA test which she was willing to do. She paid for it too. My daughter is mine no doubt. She says that she hadn't seen him in over a year and that he had called while she was pregnant but did not tell me about it. During the call she said she told him that she was with me now and could no longer see him. She said it was quick and he didn�t say much as she was headed out the door for work. We are not legally married but have lived as such and were engaged prior to my daughters birth. I met my wife and known her for about a year and a few months then moved in with her. I propsed and bought a ring while she was pregnant we were to be married after the birth of my daughter. Once this is resolved hopefully we can get married and move on.

When you first wrote, it seemed as if the issue was whether the baby was biologically the ex boyfriend's. But since you know that he is not, what do you see the problem as?

As far as I can see, there were lies about her involvement with him at about the the time she was involved and getting pregnant with you. In your position, I would seek for there to be no contact with this ex boyfriend for life, if you two decide to get married. however, before getting married, I would want to be satisfied that I had the whole truth about their relationship.

Your marriage will not be getting off the the best of starts, with the odd start to your relationship and your doing jail time (what for?). You seem to have got together and had a child without the firm commitment that marriage requires. I think that, as parents, you should want to be married for life, but I don't think the marriage would be secure if you have what Dr Harley calls a renter's attitude. I hope that you'll both be able to change your attitudes for the sake of your daughter.

Please read this article: Living Together Before Marriage article

RS,


My take on this, is that OM suspected the child might be his he looked over the child for common features and when satisfied that the child looked like you or had nothing in common with himself left.

Oddly OM may have felt that your W was trying to keep his child from him by lying to him.

God Bless
Gamma

My husband and I are writing and reading this together. He suggested the DNA test then said he didn't want to. I talked him into it and paid for it. I know he is the only man I had sex with and I knew the results would prove it. He said I figured I had a 50/50 chance and that is why i took the test. We had talked about marriage before our baby was born, but the ring and talks about setting a date were not done until after this had happened. He has already done all the snooping and checking that has been suggested. We really want helpful opinions on this. Has anyone had a similar situation/known someone with a similar situation or as a man, do you have an opinion as to why he came over.

He suspected the kid may be his.
He wanted to restart up with you.

Instead of showing the baby you should of told him you had a dna test and show him that he is not the dad. Then show him the door with a NC thrown in if not already done before he showed up.

I don't understand why this is such a big deal. You have had several people suggest that he came over because he thought the child might be his. Does that not seem likely to you? What else are you looking for? What other reason do you suspect there could be? And does it matter that you get "helpful opinions" on why he came? What matters now is that you have no further contact with him, because as an ex, he is a threat to your current relationship.

I think the much bigger problem is with your dishonesty when you were seeing this man. You need to ensure that there is no more dishonesty in your relationship. You also need to to decide to commit to marriage for the sake of your child, and use the Harley principles to make sure that the marriage is strong and happy.

The problem is my wife says she did not have a sexual relationship with him since we were together from the first time which would be approximately two years prior to our daughter being born. She says that she does not know why he showed up. She saw him last at the surprise b-day party and they did not have sex then according to her. I am looking for other reason why he would show up or basically how to believe this considering the circumstances. She would lilke for this issue to be laid to rest and my trust extended in her version of events. I am looking for any other suggestions people may have to aid her cause or side, as it were. Any people whom have been through simular circimstances and the party in question was proven innocent of the apparant wrong doing. This is a thorn in our side as I would like to believe her. However I do not feel trust can be extended here without the entire truth which she professes to have divulged to me, that being said everyone seems to be of one accord regarding the dubiousness of the situation and that begs further explaination or some resolution. As far as I am concerned I see things differently than her. Thank you all for your help.

About a month after our daughter was born my wife�s ex lover came to see our daughter. When I answered the door the ex said he didn�t know I was home and had heard from a previous co-worker that my wife had just had the baby and he had come to see her. I was surprised by this because we had all three worked together when my wife and I started dating, I did not know that they had had a relationship or that they were friends. I let him in and called my wife. She came to the door, he told her the same, she got our daughter and let him hold her. He held her for a few seconds and left. I asked what that was about, my wife lied and said they were friends.


Your wife lied to you by hiding the truth about her dating the OM.


The next day she told me they had sex a few times before we started dating.


WW getting nervous that you start asking questions so WW takes a move from the WW play book and attempts to do damage control by admitting some thing about her and the OM. In this case it was sex but last time was just before we started dating. This throw the BH a bone is doing damage control. Hoping this little bit of the truth will satisfy you and get you to stop asking any more questions.


He had called once while she was pregnant and she didn�t tell me. She told him we were together and having a baby. We were in an off and on relationship before me moving in and conception. She had gone to his surprise birthday party at a restaurant a month before I moved in and didn�t tell me.


Why was WW allowing contact to happen behind your back?
Why do you think your relationship was on and off?
Why did WW go to OM birthday party if they were through?

Again just more WW misdirection to stop you from finding out the truth. WW never stopped seeing the OM. This is why WW never let you know contact continued with the OM.

On and off relationship points to WW jumping back and forth between you and the OM. Another reason why WW kept you in the dark about OM. She couldn�t chose and wanted both of you as a backup plan.

Who has a romantic relationship with someone else, breaks up with them then still goes to their birthday party? Someone that is lying to you that�s who. WW and OM were not through at this point.


After my wife and I lived together for two weeks I went to jail for three weeks prior to conception and felt we should get a DNA test. She says they didn�t have sex while I was in jail or since we started dating, the sexual relationship was over since the beginning when we first started dating.


Again more damage control. Your Spiderman sense/sixth sense is screaming at you, don�t ignore it. Your gut is usually right. You were in jail, too close to the time of conception, your WW has tried to keep info about her relationship with the OM a secret. This all screams that WW was dating the OM while dating you.


We have different opinions and don�t know why this man would feel the need to come see our new baby. Has anyone had a similar situation or helpful opinion as to why he came over? If you are a man and had a sexual friendship with a woman, would you have thought about seeing the baby? Why or why not?


Of course WW is going to say she has know idea why the OM had to see the baby. Except that the OM must be crazy. Other wise she would have to admit the OM may think the baby was his. Then WW would have to admit why the OM thinks it was his because she was still sleeping with the OM.

My thoughts are the OM possibly there�s a chance the baby maybe his. That his visit will make you realize that he was doing your WW near the time of conception when you went to jail.


Thanks for your replies. I did have the DNA test which she was willing to do. She paid for it too. My daughter is mine no doubt.


How was this test done. Did go with WW and the child to the clinic/doctor�s office and see that the samples could not be tampered with?

Was it one of those mail in kits? WW could have easily substituted your hair or swab for the OM and the test would come back that you were the dad.


She says that she hadn't seen him in over a year and that he had called while she was pregnant but did not tell me about it. During the call she said she told him that she was with me now and could no longer see him. She said it was quick and he didn�t say much as she was headed out the door for work.


Just more damage control by your WW.

He may have also come over to confirm the age of the infant.


Some people are just a little slow when it comes to the whole baby making process. Maybe they hooked up last two years ago. Ok say it was actually 21 months...not quite two years. Then add in the OM is an idiot and doesn't remember it was 22 months and thinks/feels it might have been about 18 months prior. Guys don't keep track of such dates and time. Well, his ex-girlfriend had a baby SHE SAYS is 2 months old....that couldn't possibly be mine, right? Well, what if the baby is a tad older and she's trying to trick me (and deny me my child). I have to see that baby before I'll know I'm not a unintended daddy. I'll make sure it's actually a one, two or three month old infant and not really a 6-8 month old. I'll confront this issue TODAY so as to insure I don't get a knock on my door about child support next year or have some 18 year knocking on my door 18 years from now calling me daddy.

Of course, now were just digging for excuses. The other possibility is that your fiance is lying...but so what. The baby is yours. She MAY have fooled around with an ex more than a year ago as she was deciding what to do with her life. She wouldn't be the first young person to screw up and she won't be the last. You weren't married thus you don't/didn't own her. You two have a child together and the best way to raise that child is together in marriage. Consider moving in that direction and putting this ex-boyfriend and your single days in the rear view mirror.

BECOME a family...through marriage.

Mr. Wondering

Yes I did lie and it is wrong. It was a relationship that was in the past and I didn't tell him about it. Since my husband did know him from work, I should have told him. I didn't get nervous when he started asking questions because no questions were asked. He just went to bed and we didn't talk. I knew what I did was wrong and went to him the next day with the truth. The OM and I were more friends than anything else. My previous marriage was over. My ex husband took all self esteeem and self respect away from me. When my friend(OM)came on to me, I gave in because it was the first time in 9 years I felt good about myself and thought someone might actually like me. So, I didn't break up with him, when he got a girlfriend I stopped having sex with him and we remained friends and taked on the phone. His girlfriend came up to the job (where she also use to work) and invited some people to a restaurant for OM birthday. That was one of the off times in my husband and my relationship. I would say our relationship was off and on due to both of us. Due to ending a very bad marriage on my part and his not being ready to commit and disappearing at times. My husband and most people on this site do feel i'm a liar, and I did lie in the past so why should he believe anything else I ever say. But i know my husband is the only man I had sex with and i knew he was the father of our baby. The OM f***ed up our lives and i dont know why. My husband says that because he is a man he knows the ONLY reason the OM came over is because he thought the baby was his. The OM would have to be a total idiot (and bad at math) to believe that. Also, we actually did two DNA test. Your comments actually made me think my husband had logged in under a fake name and was posting your comments. (HAHA)

Thought I was your H?
Youy H would of had to plan on using an alias years ago.

Thing is events happened that can create doubts. Lying and events as going to jail, never revealing about you and the OM and hiding that you two had SF.

It's only natural to doubt everything and need proof for everything. Trust needs to be rapaired and that takes more time then two weeks.

Both you and BH need new jobs so their will be NC and no more triggering for your BH. Then sell your home and move so OM can't come to your house any more.

Also try not to leave out importsnt information such as you had two DNA tests done.

Why did you have two tests done?
How were these tests done?
When were these tests done?

We had two DNA test done because I was suspicious of the first one. We had agreed to do the test and I said I would send it off but I fell short of cash and had to wait to get paid. In anger I left in the vehicle under the seat (stupid I know) she saw was hurt that I would do so and sent it in herself. I did not know she sent it in and found out later. The main problem is not the jail or paternity now. It is whether or not I can trust her and whether or not she is being truthful when she says that they did not have sex for two years prior to conception. I need to know if anyone has experienced this and the OM and WW were not having sex during conception. I do not think he would come by unless he thought he was the father and that means that they did have intercourse during that period. If she is not honest about it and claims that at the party and after while I was in jail she was not having intercourse with him then how can I trust her at all ever regardless of whether or not our child is mine. The second test was legit as far as I am concerned as I handled it myself. It was mail in bucal swab gloves and all. Is there a problem with those as I took care not to cross-contaminate the specimens? I had some training in Medical Lab Tech class with specimens and contamination and such so I am sure it was well handled. Irregardless I am my daughter�s father. The concern is trust and truth and a real relationship predicated on honesty and forthrightness and total transparency which it would be hard to have if the entire truth is not told or if there is still form of deceit. Does anyone who has read this feel she is being completely honest and I just need to accept that? Or do I have cause to be leery? Please let us know. If someone has seen this before with all the factors involved and there has been innocence besides just lying and no intercourse then let us know.I am aware of what i think and what others have said and do not see any who side with her and she still is adament that the sexual relattionship with the OM had ended prior to us even becoming involved initially. for two years or near to years prior to our daughter's birth.

We can't possibly tell you if your wife is telling the truth or not. We are not psychics. From the sounds of it, she is probably lying, though. But you can't go by GUESSES of some strangers on the internet. A better solution would be to have her take a polygraph test.

I am sure she would appreciate that, too, because it would exonerate her. She sounds like a person who has led a secret second life for a very long time, so this would be a good opportunity to get everything out on table and start fresh with some new habits.

Make up a list of questions you want her to answer and ask her to come clean BEFORE the test. Even if she does come clean, you should go through with the test to make sure you got everything. While it might be hard to hear some truth, it is much better than living a lie and will enable you to start anew on the basis of honesty.

Hello everyone,
I am not looking for anyone to tell me if my wife is lying or not. I am however seeking to find alternatives to the view that I have of the situation. I am in concurrence with most of the opinions here and have said many of the same things. I do however want to know if maybe I am failing to be truly objective and to truly hear my wife�s side. She claims innocence and I feel that there is only one real answer here as to why he came over. As a guy I could only see one reason and that being that I though the child was mine and for me to think that there would have to have been intercourse during the time of conception. Being that would be the only drive I would have to try and see a newborn child of an ex who had told me that she was with someone else and given that they were having a child. I am merely seeking to see if anyone else faced with the facts of this would be inclined to believe in the innocence of their wife or partner under the exact same circumstances or if anyone has experienced something similar if not the same thing and whether or not I am being unreasonable to ask for the entire truth or for feeling that I have not received it. That is important because I would like for our live together to be built on honesty and not lies and I want to be aware of what really happened or be able to accept what I am hearing or being told is even remotely possible or otherwise. Thank you all for your input and responses. Am I asking too much to want this? Am I being mean and unwilling to trust or is it that what I am being asked to believe is not likely to be true and anyone would have trouble in this area as well? If not then how do you move forward under the auspices of lies half-truths and deception? How is this palatable to anyone and beneficial to anyone but her? Because she will have succeeded in deceiving me and lying all the while I am a gullible sucker with no real relationship and therefore susceptible to being tricked again. We have been to counseling and they have suggested that I leave it in the past and move forward yet the story doesn�t add up not for me so what to do how to move on and trust?