Yes he needs help. He keeps saying he will check into the hospital. Actions speak louder than words is what I tell him.

When I tried to get the evidence from the OW she "couldn't remember" where they had sex. She told me she told her partner but when I asked to talk to him her whole story changed. I'm going to call the BH and check his information that he has.

Got to get him into the hospital.

Dr. Harley answered my question on the radio show today.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

Thanks Triple H.

He pretty much said the same thing you did.

So we saw his psychiatrist and she is working on his meds. She increased some of the dosages and he actually admitted to her that he has a problem with his affairs.

She says his PTSD is so off the charts and that he is bi-polar and BPD.

It felt good to hear that he is trying to get help but I'm very skeptical.

I am still working on putting my Plan B together. I am trying to find an IM and a place to stay.

Amateur opinion; any hope for reconciliation is going to be had after he deals with his mental and emotional health, and Plan B is the best option available to protect your LB$ balance in the interim.

This information should be included in your terms for reconciliation which you will outline in your Plan B letter.

Yes I'm learning BPD's may take YEARS to get better and they may never get better but just move on to the next.

I actually believe that I will be in a short Plan B and then move to Plan D. I am trying to be very careful of this because of BPD's great fear of abandonment.

The best healing I have accomplished is that I KNOW for a fact that his mental illness has nothing to do with me. I now understand that I can only control myself and I will not let his illness hurt myself anymore.

No, his mental illness has nothing to do with you... however, some of the fallout of the actions he takes due his mental health not being addressed or managed has been raining down on you.

I'm not knocking the guy for mental illness. We are all capable of falling into some form of acute mental illness. I know that I have been in and out of depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations, and several other acute episodes over the past year-and-a-half. Some of us have the coping mechanisms, some of us don't.

However, to carry on any type of relationship - and especially a marriage - one has to be committed to mental health management and development of healthy coping mechanisms.

And for your own mental and emotional well-being, it's going to be best for you to step away so that he can establish those goals, plans, and skills.

Take care of yourself, BH.

That's the toughest thing I'm dealing with.

To a BPD the abandonment is a serious problem. I have to decide whether I can stay in a marriage for the rest of my life that entails taking care of someone with a mental illness the rest of my life.

I have to figure out when is the time to realize I have done everything I can.

I am finding a therapist who knows how to deal with BPD and helping me walk this walk. I am also finding support groups of people that have family with BPD.

I'm trying to take care of myself.

So my WH is seeing a therapist who specializes in BPD and she has put him on some good meds.

I am working on me.

I understand what Dr. H says that MB won't work with addictions and I think that is the same with mental illness. Except mental illness is different from addiction where they didn't ask for this.

So my biggest hurdle is figuring out if I can stay married to a WH who has a mental illness and see if his meds and therapy works.

It's a tough one and I feel alone because mental illness is a new experience I have never dealt with on this level.

I do have full transparency and we share a phone and I have it 95% of the time.

Well, for one, you could make sure not to set your head to give him any "free pass" due to his mental health (and as an aside, addiction is a mental illness).

Ok, so he has some brain problems. Fine. Empathy for your husband will be half of the load of moving forward.

He has acknowledged the problem, and he is now seeking help.

Alright.

From here, let's analogize a bit;

What if your husband, rather than having a mental illness, was diabetic?

Would you feel bad if he, knowing how his diabetes operates, drank 4 44oz fountain Cokes every day?

Would you feel bad if he, knowing how his diabetes affects his body, refused to check his blood sugar routinely? Refused to take his insulin?


Mental illnesses are exactly like diabetes; they are chronic, uncurable, but treatable diseases/illnesses.

By adhering to his medication schedule, developing his coping and decision making skills, and developing his support system (you) - he can manage to live very close to, if not perfectly, normal.

If he does not manage his illness?

Chaos.

Most admissions to acute psychiatric units are people who have mismanaged their mental health.


You can't make him take care of himself... however, you can have the boundary that you will not live in a marriage under the stress of mismanaged mental illness.

Excellent Post HHH,

Like you said, addicition is a mental illness, and mentally unstable people many times self-medicate, which leads to addiction, and the cycle continues.

I am a diabetic, insulin dependant, and have been for 25 years, and I know when I don't take care of myself, and when it is my fault, that it is my problem to deal with, and nobody elses. I recieve help from people of course, but I have to accept that help, in order for it to have any effect, or for it to have any benifet, to either party involved.

Plus people with mental illness can get better, if they manage it right, and take thier medication.

It is about owning your own problems, and not letting them own you.

Well this is exactly what I'm struggling with.

He knows what he needs to do. Will he do it? Only he knows.

Do I want to be around? That is the question I'm trying to work on. I don't want this pain and continued cheating anymore. That I do know.

So if I don't want to be married to a BPD, then I need a plan to get out. That is what I'm trying and been trying to come up with. Yes on my own, but I'm trying to come up with a plan.

I don't have much of a support system IRL and so I'm expanding that and I'm trying to take care of myself.

He has had so many health issues this is added to the list.

So I love the MB principles and have been putting them to use in my own life.

I also know that I may just have to walk away and go NC for life and heal and know that not every marriage can be saved.

We have been spending more than 20+ hours of UA. We work together, we drive together. So we are always together.

I have his passwords and his work password. He no longer is on the computer at home alone anymore. We share a cell phone that I have 90% of the time.

He is in therapy for his BPD and is on meds and things are better. The AO are almost a thing of the past because the meds make him zombie like. His doctor's have been trying to get his dosage right for some time now. So I don't know if it's meds that make him seem "down" all the time or that he isn't sneaking and talking with OW all the time.

It's like he has lost his "zest" for life. To me it's like he can't be himself because he is "locked down" all the time. When I try and talk to him about it, he says it's because he is medicated and that the conversation is over. We hardly talk at all anymore. SF is maybe once a week where this was both the top of our EN before.

He stills thinks marriage builders is "stupid" and so I am trying to do marriage builders on my own. I am continuing to work on myself but I am still looking to go into Plan B. I can't seem to figure out his emotional needs anymore, it's like all is old ones are not his important needs now. Plan B is almost impossible when you work together and are on the same shift together and he doesn't want to separate.

I read on here daily and try to learn. I still hear Dr. Harley's advice of that we need to separate and I am haven't closed that option (in my mind anyway).

I guess my biggest frustration is knowing the tools and I'm trying to fill his love bank and it seems like I'm not able to accomplish this with all the tools I have in front of me.

I do know admiration is very important to him and I know if I give a word of criticism it remove alot of love units.

What I really think is that he is addicted to cheating and now that he is on lock down he isn't happy. I don't know what else to do. He admitted to his therapist that he has had many emotional affairs but nothing about the physical affair (to this day he still says it never happened). He will not do a poly because he says hasn't lied about anything. I have requested if I will take a poly will you? He never really answers this question.

Just an update on my story. I did listen to the radio show where Dr. Harley talks about serial cheating. They can be helped if they want to get help but he doesn't see he has a problem.

...he is addicted to cheating...

Too simplistic. You (personally or with professional assistance) need to discover what element(s) accompanying the cheating experience "ring his bell". Once you have that information, you will then be able to decide if you can reasonably fulfill those experiences for him within your marriage.

Some you will not be able to duplicate with any success. For example, his psyche might get a rush from the "danger" of secretly sneaking around the marital controls to contact/meet his paramours, or his desire might be attuned to having a "new" conquest every few months. In either of these cases your ability to intercede would likely be hampered.

However, it might be that the "admiration" need within him is even stronger than you imagine, and his ego needs the strokes of "seducing" a partner to justify/support his own inadequate internal self-image. You might be able to work on that.

It will not be easy, and it might be that the marriage that you would be restoring is not worth the effort, but give it a thought.

"FWW/BW 41(me)
WH 42 DXw/BPD
2nd M for both
7 kids between us
WH affairs EA 3OW, ONS 3/01/08, latest EA w/friend of mine 10-01-10"

"My affair was with my first H didn't save marriage"

Did your BH want to save that marriage?

"Since I've found MB apologized to my children and first H."

What was their responses?

"My RA while married to my now H was online."

How come you left off this important date?

When did your RA end?

"Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all."

Normal to fell this. Time will help.

Sometimes being bipol can't be managed.

I'm concerned that the meds just subdue his thoughts, and he doesn't want to change them really

Like NG said, in essence, what excites him? What is the attraction? What is his stimulation?

I also agree admiration is big for men, and that needs to be addressed also

A man needs to feel like top dog, and lucky for the prize he has in the woman, special, and that makes him confidant also

The drugs are to calm him down, and control reactions to wrong thinking, they don't change the thoughts

When your own efforts are not successful, it is time to escalate this up to another level and get professional help. I would get counseling with Steve Harley. It is obvious to me that your H is not happy in your marriage and does not even believe he can be happy. The fact that he thinks "marriage builders is stupid" tells me he doesn't understand Marriage Builders. People who understand MB don't say that because they stand to reap the greatest benefits.

I think the problem is that MB has been presented to your H as a way to control and change HIM with no benefit to him. People buy things when there is a percieved BENEFIT. Your H sees no benefit and that is the problem.

So before you consider separation, get professional help. Have Steve Harley SELL him on this program and give him HOPE. Your H has no hope because he has no evidence that would make him hopeful. Steve will give him the evidence.

And if that doesn't work, I would get divorced.

I haven't been following this as close as Mel, and from what I get out of it, the meds just keep him from getting ticked off, and don't change his heart or mindset.
If Dr H suggested separation, and WH is that stubborn that he will not change his thinking, then if he won't submit to an authority, well that is his problem