Hi Mike,
had a look at the online program, but looks like we have to be both signed up to it and she won't do that, no way.

The snooping everyone is talking about on your other thread is so you can expose when you get hard core proof. BUT in your other tread you sound like you will not be willing to do that.

Yes one or both might lose the job but MUST happen anyway if you want to save this. What is important to you?

Stand up for your marriage or you might as well lay down in front of the door so she can wipe her feet as she leaves.

Melody is the best. She WILL NOT stear you wrong. Listen to her and do what you have to do to stop the affair or nothing you do will work.

PS....do not tell your wife about this site. You are in a war untill the affair is over and this is your best ammo.

Hi Melody
Thank you for your advice, I can see the sense in it. Sadly I blew it because my work was going to fire the man at work because he had had an affair with one of his employees (my wife) but I was given the option of accepting his apology and trying to get on at work. I am a nice guy (or pushover depending on how you look at it ) and I couldn't see how having this man fired and therefore messing up the life of his wife and kids was going to help anybody. Likewise my wife was very worried she would lose her job and she came very close to it, but again I supported her and she retained it (both the man at work and I are partners in the business and my wife is an employee.)

I have suggested to my wife that our family move to a different place and make a new start but she is not interested.
She is going to see a marriage guidance counsellor for the first time this week by herself. I don't know if that will help or not.

I guess you mean i have come down with a bump, maybe you are right. Maybe I should snoop? It is all very weird and unknown and I am kind of confused. My only hope is that she has not left yet and we are speaking about logistical things, I am trying to make conversation gentley without being too pushy and being helpful. Am I being a doormat? Is this losing her respect?
Help!

RM, the problem with your situation is that it is hopeless as long as she continues to work with the OM. She will have to leave the job. But first, I have a few questions. Does the OM's wife know all about the affair?

Was the affair exposed to all your family members and your children?

The program is MB. You do as much or as little of the program as you see fit to your situation.

Im a lucky one, I didnt have too much of Plan A as my FWW was desperate to get out of the A but as you will learn from the books, the addiction and blindness that sets its was over on dday. I just had to believe her.

I read Surviving An Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. And so did my wife.

I have a thread here where I talk about my problems and thoughts. I get great people who walked in my shoes and those who lived my wife's life to reply and guide me.

THATS MY PROGRAM.

I tried a marriage counselor with my wife and a psychologist on my own and both have been discontinued. I suggest an anti-depressant if you are so inclined.

I think a FIRM approach is in order when you are dealing with a very abusive, manipulative, sneaky wayward. Being "gentle" would be viewed as being WEAK and timid. That is the LAST impression you want to give to a terrorist.

Probably not. Most waywards who are in affairs will only agree to go to a counselor in order to use that counselor as cover to get out of the marriage. Counseling is destructive under normal conditions, but it is profoundly destructive with a wayward. And I will explain why. Marriage counselors know nothing about infidelity or the wayward mindset. They don't understand that they are essentially dealing with a falling down drunk, a temporary state of mind brought on by the affair. So when the WW tells the MC she is "lovesyoubutisnotinlove" and other wayward fogbabble, the MC helps the WW facilitate her desires of the moment. Which are usually DIVORCE. The MC then helps the WW get what she wants and convinces the BS that divorce is best. Or a "trial separation" or any other damaging things.

Then when you try to explain to your WW that would be damaging, she only has to point to the MC for validation.

Marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and have an 84% failure rate. They have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

My wife went to a psychologist 2x and she told him about my sporadic, uncontrollable weeping I was doing in the first month after dday. I just learned everything I thought to be true and whole in my life was a lie and this Phd tells my wife I sound "needy". F him.

As my wife has many "issues" that we believe led to her adultry, her best friends encouraged her to continue going to the counselor. And since I tended to ask about these visits especially after his "needy" comment, he suggested to her that she bring me along on an upcoming session. I went and basically it went like this: "do you love him?, do you love her?, then what you are going to need is time". Thats it. $20 copay down the drain. My wife thought he was a waste of time from day 1 and only went because her friends insisted. Malarky is the whole profession.

The pychologist I went to in the beginning suggested to me as way to claim my wife back and to get over my mental obsession with the sex life my wife had with OM, that I should demand anal sex from my her. That this area of her sexuality would be mine. I never went back to a counselor. I swear this story is true. (A little levity here: I did tell my wife that it was doctors orders. She said maybe later. Still waiting. Hee hee.)

The MB method is time tested and all the good people here are a testiment to its ability.

The beauty of MB is that we are (with our spouse) encouraged to explore ways to meet each others important intimate emotional needs (again, within the marriage).

"Needy" when used as a pejorative term in the context of a marriage relationship is evidence of the vast abyss in that psychologist's non-think-hole.
(I just made that up)

What is ridiculous is in my area, you CANNOT get an appt to see a pyschologist. Either they are booked solid OR they are not accepting new clients. So when I found one who took my insurance (another farce, if you ask me) I was expecting revelations and guidance and perhaps too much from him. He stunk.

So does the one my wife was seeing.

We are doing OK without such talented, bright people with all the degrees on the wall helping us, thank you.

Melody
How do you do the quote in a box thing? It helps keep track of the thread really well?
Yes the om wife knows about the affair, so do some of my wife's family, my family and my two stepchildren. My own daughter (10) does not know about the affair but knows something is wrong with our marriage