HI!
I would vary the type of text you send her-maybe start every other day unless it is your day with son. Also of course if you feel led...
If on your visitation day with S say/text she and your SS are more than welcome to both come.

I think she might be a little touchy over her stepson at this time and as anything you do for or not for him at this time can make terrible love bank withdrawls....
I would for the most part not mention him except once a month.... or when you get a chance to talk ask, how is SS? Then just listen to whatever she says...but also invite him out with her and your S.

On flowers, don't worry. Plan A is about doing things with her regardless of her response. Don't even think about what she said or didn't say yet. She did acknowledge them :-)

I will type more later!

Thanks Sunshine. Yesterday evening i was at the beach just watching the water, treated myself to a DQ malt. I called for my daily call with my son. W actually suggested facetiming(Video AP for the Iphone) I sent her a link to the ap and she got it up and running. I commented on how awesome it was that she did it on her own. So i got to see my son as well as talk with him. PTL for the technology he has blessed us with. When she was hanging up, she asked where i was at in my car, i said at the beach, she said "looking at the water before the hurricane?" I said yes. She commented on how tan i was and how white my teeth were. I told her about getting them whitened recently. She said Ok take care, i said you too and have a good evening.

Today was her first day back to school. I texted her good morning and gave her Colossians 3:23-24 and said i was praying for her to have another good year blessing many with her gift.

Later in the day, i felt led to contact her about plans for the hurricane.
I said i think WE should leave town, i dont feel good about this storm this time. She said i was welcome to take the baby. I said ok, what do you think? She said she wasnt anxious at all about the storm. I said ok i didnt understand why she wouldnt want to be with her son. She said he will be Fine. So i said ok i trust you, you are a great mother.
No response to any of it. And thats ok.

How am i doing Sunshine?

It looks like your doing good when you talk to her.... good job :-)Now ask her on a date (I don't expect she will go but the asking counts)

I think her being willing for you to video chat is a great thing.

I have a question. Are you close to her parents. Anyway you could give one of the Harley books to them to read? If they saw the merit and even worked the MB program it would be a great influence on your wife. Just a thought....

Hello Sunshine, thank you for the affirmation. When i picked up my S Sunday after the hurricane, SS came out with W. First time since she told me he didnt want me in his life etc. W walked away and SS said, i want to thank you for the ipad. But i do not want you to give me anymore gifts, you are just trying to buy my love. I said i am sorry you feel that way, but it came from my heart. He was yelling now and said, ive heard this all before you were mean to me for 9 years and i dont want you to talk to me. I said i am sorry you feel that way, i hope you can forgive me one day, i still love you. Jesus tells us to love everyone no matter how they treat us and he also makes all things new. He was yelling and telling me not to contact him anymore. Which he has before and i honored that, but he ends up contacting me. This young man is incapable of thinking of things to say like that on his own. He was either told to say it or heard it from somewhere.

I had to bring s back because i had no power. I contacted W and she couldnt give me a good answer on when to bring him back so i said how do you feel about 530 so you can have dinner with him. She agreed. Then she asked me if S has sleeping issues while he is with me. I said no, and she explained the sitch, and asked what she should do. I offered the super nanny technique which i used a while back and it worked. She said oh i thought hes having problems because of having to go back and forth, but if hes having problems here, i know hes having problems there. (this is untrue) i just said im sorry you feel that way, he will have a lost sense of security because he isnt in under the same roof with both his parents. She said well i know D is not the ideal situation and im not saying we arent going to reconcile for the rest of our life but im not even close to being their yet. She was angry and her voice was getting louder. So i said i will see you in a little bit, have a great evening.

I never raised my voice in either conversation.

She is back to school this week and her parents are leaving and she is expecting me to take off of work to watch the baby. Or because she has to leave to early to take to the sitter and gets home too late to pick him up. This is reality now. I cant take off alot of work.

I was very close to her parents. Right now her mother is very hurt by all of this, i have reached out to her several times with no response. Her dad is cordial with me, but lately for some reason he is brief. This is out of character for him. MIL is very controlling, W has said this many times. My guess is she is telling him how to act towards me or responding to her frustration. When i call now to speak with S he is starting to make up reasons why i cant talk to him. MIL shows alot of irritation when i call to talk to S. I will continue to be the Father and man has called me to be.

So which book would i give,how would i give it and to whom? So you are suggesting they use the book or try the program and it may influence W indirectly? What if they took it as an insult that i was implying they needed to work on their marriage?

Thanks again Sunshine for your help. I am feeling good. Thank you.

I will pray about asking her out.......need courage...

Well coming up on 11 months of being seperated, it doesnt feel like it at all. It has went by so fast.

Somehow we got on a conversation last week. W said, "im not saying we will not reconcile for the rest of our lives, but im just not there yet, not even close."

Not sure how to take that or what my next step is. I have had my S for a while since she had school functions. I am fine with that, but its kind of sad that he isnt a priority for her it seems, although i would not say that.

Well i am going to ask W to join S and I tomorrow evening at Chuck E Cheeses. We only have spoken a few times this week. Pleasantly about S.

Do you have the impression that your wife is slowly retracting from you? She doesn't seem to honor your efforts much?! from what you are writing.

Hello Happy Heart, it seems she is back and forth. She opens up, then i feel she gets afraid and backs off...

I think you need to call the radio show and ask DR Harley what your next step should be. You can't go on like this forever!

Hello, i emailed them a week ago, have not heard back.

Still trucking along, Seperated one year in about 3 days. Any suggestions?

13 months have gone by. My wife is still very angry. She blew up at me yesterday because i asked to participate in Halloween with our son. She also blamed me for him not having his costume for the sitters. Even though i dropped him off Sunday evening. She still is very angry and hurt she told me.

I am really at a loss now on what to do. Anything that comes up concerning the baby that is negative, is always my fault even when i do not have him. I have been in plan A for a pretty long time, but she does not receive it well. She will not let me meet her emotional needs.

Not sure where to go from here if there is anywhere to go....

Ruikee,

Do you have another thread? I found this one.....
Sorry you are here....how can I help?

Ruikee, you never gave a summary of what Dr Harley told you on the radio, and therefore, I am not sure whether you have been following his advice.

The links don't work for me sometimes - I don't know why - and also, it's not too much to ask for you to tell us what you were advised. For one thing, it would help us to see whether you understood Dr Harley and were following him.

As for the email you sent in September that was never answered, someone here found that some emails were being sent to their trash folder. You need to write again.

If I'd had advice from Dr Harley directly I would be following it firmly, and getting more if I could. You seem to be relying on this forum when you've already had the best advice there is.

Ruikee, I'm listening to your July 6th appearance on the Marriage Builders radio show. It sounds like you are really doing your part in learning to not be abusive and controlling.

Do you know at this point what your wife wants in order to reconcile? Does she know?

I hate to tell you this, but I've heard Dr. Harley say that he is unable to convince wives not to blame their husbands! Ouch! The good news is it is apparently possible to have a good marriage even despite this. What you have to do is become a part of the solution to the problems, even if you are blamed for the problems in the first place.

(If you're interested let me know and I will try to hunt down a radio link for where Dr. Harley says this.)

What you'll have to do is abandon the idea of persuading your wife that you are not to blame. It's not necessary, and it may well be impossible.


Are you able to date your wife at all? Ideally what I think you guys need is for both of you to buy into a plan for reconciling, and for Marriage Builders to be that plan. You would date each other alone for 15 hours a week (better yet 25-30 hours a week), demonstrate to her that you are not controlling during that time, meet her emotional needs. There would be little need to educate her on whether or not she should blame you for things, it'd just be a matter of getting her involved in this plan to give you two a chance to reconcile, and then you do the work of meeting her needs.

I assume you've read this already, but it might help:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067b_qa.html

Am I understanding correctly that you emailed the radio show a second time and never heard back? If so I strongly encourage you to click notify and ask the moderators to help you get through, or call the Marriage Builders office and ask them to help you get through.

It seems that a lot of people emailing the radio show have this problem. Either the initial email gets automatically weeded out as "spam," or the response from Joyce Harley gets weeded out as "spam," or else something else is going on.

This is the only thread i have.

Markos,
Thank you for all your input. I am fine with her blaming me. I do not react i only respond with trying to do better. I have already accepted that in my mind that it is her emotional state responding in those ways because in my mind i know for sure i am not to blame.

I have not had VAC outburst in 9 months or so, even though i have been provoked many times by my wife or coworkers.

Right now she continues to say She doesnt want to be with me anymore.

I have asked her out a few times but she says she is not interested. I also asked to do things together with the baby, but still not interested.

She claims she filed for divorce when we first seperated (an emotional decision if true) In Va there is a year waiting period. Not sure how it works, but i have not received anything.

I am very familiar with the MB plan. The problem is getting her on board obviously. I have read all Harleys books, i listen to the show faithfully for around a year now each day to soak in everything i can.

I will have to review Dr Harlys advice i received on the show. I havent listened to it in some time. Maybe i missed something.

I really appreciate the revival of my thread, and looking forward to the help everyone provides and I am thankful for it.

I will try emailing the show again and then move forward with contacting the show.

Bill