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sorry i have been working with a pc about my people pleasing and my inability to say no to people...looks like it is comming out right now. So right now i Should be demanding that she end this foolish afffair and when she gets mad tell her to just leave(which is not gonna happen) dont act happy, cause she is rubbing it in my face and getting the kids away from their mother as much as possible????
No one EVER told you to tell her to leave so am not sure where you got that idea. Did you read any of my posts? I laid out a plan for you.
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I was going to take the kids to niagra falls this weekend but she caught wind of it, blew up and i gave in and cancelled.....was that the wrong call???
I am not understanding why you cancelled it, however, I can think of many things you could be doing this weekend which would be much more productive. LIKE EXPOSING YOUR WIFES AFFAIR.
Did you read my posts about exposing the affair? Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says about exposure:
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
See, the way you have been acting looks to me like you don't care very much. She is allowed to flaunt her affair in you and your childrens home right in front of your faces. And what is the consequence for that? She actually gets REWARDED for abusing you. That is bizarro, my friend. And it only serves to ENABLE your wifes affair. Like Dr Harley says, it is very hard to save a marriage when you enable an affair.
The way to save your marriage is a balanced approach of the carrot and the stick. You fight for your marriage, you show her you love her, but you will not tolerate her AFFAIR. You raise holy unmitigated HELL in the affair, cause as much conflict as possible. Let her know you would be willing to meet her needs and to possibly even forgive her IN THE FUTURE if she will end her affair.
And until she ends it, you need to open up a can of TEXAS whoop [censored] on her affair until it is killed. Don't let up until it is DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. Then you will have a chance to save your marriage.
Here is the message you send the OW and your WW about the affair:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
seriously could take out full page ad in az newspaper, have pi get pic blow it up to full page and then put script.....run it on sunday so it gets the most play
Me: BH 40 WW 39 S13, D9 Married 15 yrs together 19!!! D Day July 11,2011 WW in P.A. with OW WW wants D Almost done Former Tryingtofeelgood
seriously could take out full page ad in az newspaper, have pi get pic blow it up to full page and then put script.....run it on sunday so it gets the most play
Oh no, I am not suggesting being nasty at all. And I am not suggesting taking out a full page ad. Did you read my posts?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Here is how you should expose the affair. Make up a list of your family members, starting with her parents. Include brothers and sisters and any close friends.
Call them up and tell them you are trying to save your marriage and need their help. Tell them your W is engaged in an affair with another woman named XYZ that she knew from college. She is with her right now. Ask them to use their influence to persuade your wife to end her affair.
------------>real important-------> say, since you are also close to WW, what would be your advice on how to save our marriage?
Go to the OW's facebook page and copy and paste all her contacts into word doc. Prioritize the names and send them PRIVATE MESSAGES SPACED OUT 60 SECONDS APART. I will post a sample letter below. If she has alot of contacts, cherry pick her parents, family and married friends and work down from there.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Its real important that you get to the OW's parents and family this weekend if you can. What you want is for people to be calling them this weekend, ruining their weekend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I am not going post anymore unless you follow that plan. If you can't stay focused and follow a plan, you are not going to make it. Can you put aside your emotions and follow a plan? If you can't, thats ok, but I will move on if you can't follow a plan.
And please stop adding things that we have not suggested. We did not suggest kicking her out, or getting nasty, or taking out a full page ad in the newspaper.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Don't lose the best Marriage Builders resource you could possibly hope for. Mel really needs to change her recovery time .
There is nothing about exposure that includes punishment or being "nasty", alright? Just like there is nothing about Plan A that includes being a doormat.
You've got to really absorb those 2 things and get yourself crystal-clear about those differences.
Exposure is the most effective TOOL to kill the affair. That and that alone is goal number 1. Exposure is NOT a tool to humiliate your W or punish. You've got to read the information posted here from Melody.
I can tell from your name that you did not come here to listen.
You came with the idea that you are supposed to "try to feel good." I don't know if you think that will save your marriage, or if you think it's what you are just supposed to do, but you came here with your mind already made up that the best advice you could receive was to "try to feel good."
And let me point out to you that if you already know what you are supposed to do, if your mind is already made up, then you don't need us. And in fact we can't help you if you are going to go with your own ideas instead of listening to the advice of people who have been there and seen this and know what works and what does not.
Open your mind, open your ears, drop your preconceptions.
"Trying to feel good" is not really a part of the plan here. The plan is to take some steps that maximize your chances of actually having something to feel good about some day down the road.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
What if this is what she has wanted for along time?.........I feel that it maybe. what if she cant get over the devistation that i put her through........i dont know if she can.......I am so sorry for what i did to her. It still affects her on a daily basis. I know this is guilt, cant help it. I crushed her. what if this is happening because she cant get over the affair and she been over the other woman? What if she is actually thinking logicallly and i am the only one trying to hold things together...
the name i picked was like the 17th try, kept getting bumped
Me: BH 40 WW 39 S13, D9 Married 15 yrs together 19!!! D Day July 11,2011 WW in P.A. with OW WW wants D Almost done Former Tryingtofeelgood
well just talked to her brother and he was anything but sympathetic. not cold very calming like some medititation guru. He said she has probably been hiding this for 20 years and it is just a re manifistation of her feelings. I just want peace and happinesss for whatever your family looks like down the road. He also informed me that her parents also know that there is going to be a change in relationship comming . Talked to one of her best friends, who is just stewing about the lies ww is spewing and she is really mad, hopefully that gets ww attention. going to contact more and more. just found fb pm that ea started in nov 10 maybe earlier. and she told her friend that she has been talking to her gf since the fall but keeping it from me cause i didnt like it. are there any books that talk about plan a, or is the only info on the forum
Me: BH 40 WW 39 S13, D9 Married 15 yrs together 19!!! D Day July 11,2011 WW in P.A. with OW WW wants D Almost done Former Tryingtofeelgood
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