I agree Scotland but I feel that Lola has been trying to only plan A and it's truly taking it's toll on her while the OW went home and her families influence was not sought because all the efforts and hopes were concentrated on plan A.

I am not against plan A at all just in this case I can't see any benefit and its turning into plan doormat, where this lady is risking looking her work her husband and her emotional well-being while trying plan A the WS.

Plan A for women should not last very long anyway, 4-6 weeks max. How long has she been in Plan A?

This is what I took exception to. There may be some lurkers reading along and I didn't want anyone to get confused.

Unless Lola can get physical distance from her WH both in the workplace and at home, she would be able to enter Plan B. I believe that she needs to prepare fully for Plan B

I believe from mid July but more concentrated effort while OW was away for two weeks.

I agree Scotland I should have been clearer.

MelodyLane,
I have been reading your comment again. It seems to mean more to me every day. - Until his affair is over nothing matters. He will not be able to see and in fact sees everything I am not saying, good or bad, as terrorizing him. His makes me helpless. I habe been in Montreal again at the same time than him again. More or less every evening ended in drama. Whatever I say is misinterpreted. I wonder, how you can actually misinterpret Plan A. It is awful. All my efforts going down the drain. I believe I have not tried plan A for 4 weeks. Yes, it was not always successful. And yes, at times I lost it and cried terribly. How can you manage being compoleted ignored, never beeing spoken to? The only thing he wants to speak about his us moving to Montreal. With us I mean, him and then me and my daughter living around the corner. Like change of role. Me playing au pair for our daughter? I am not sure, if she would be easily allowed into the country and I wonder, if this would be helpful. On the other hand I am sure he finds a solution with money one way or the other. I ight sounds confusing as I am confused about what to do. Vets, I need you.
We will be going on the trip to Disney for the next 3 days. I will again attempot plan A. Last time. 3-4 days plan A and then will call it a day. I will fly to out to see my family and then go on a little trip with an old friend, who always wantsed to be with me. Maybe I need this for my ego. Not sure.This means I will be gone for one week. Not sure, what will happen in this week. Not too much with regards to him and her I believe, right? Pl

And some more details. While I was away, his mum and her new husband looked after my daughter. She was brainwashed for one week. Awful. When I returned Saturday morning, straight for the airport, exhausted and tired nobody was home. I rung and asked, where they are. - I got a why shall we come home and I said, because I want to see my daughter. She, big sigh. - In the end 2 hours later they showed up. I took my daughter inside and we pottered around a bit. She and her now husband stayed behind in the garden. My daugther and me just had a chat and I made breakfast for us and I mentioned that the house looks a tip. As always when she is visiting. - I mean a complete tip. It will take me one week to tidy. Well, later she had a go at my daughter, who told her in detail what we had done in the kitchen including the cha about the untidy house. - She had a go at me screaming asking, if they shall leave straight away. I said, it�s up to her. I mean his family plays this game that I have to accept whatever and that we just have not been meant maybe... She was always critizing me over the years. I am sure next is back to the normal complains about what I do with or for my daughter. Today they left going to the beach. As they habe invited the friend of my husband, ther is no chance I could have gone with them. My daughter had to. Had a cry that I would not be coming, but when her grandma showed up played cool. The frient is the one who said, I have to expect being replaced being 42 with a younger woman. Also, that something must have been wrong as otherwise my husband would not have done it. - He still wanted to come and visit me and my daughter, but then I learned a number of days back that he is to visit my husband and the affair. He needs to make her a friend....

and one last comment for now: there is no embarrassment at all after all exposure I have tried. Remember? This might not make sense, but is the case. The one party now in th corner for having spoken up is me. :-(

I am trying to decipher your update. You went to Disney with the spouse and child? Then on a trip with a friend? Then came home to a motherinlaw who was brainswashed by her son who was staying with your daughter?

If I have that right....

-Dust yourself off and
-plan some fun things to do with daughter and do them
-invite your H to come with you but go anyway when he ignores you. If he does come, be pleasant and pretty and the best mom and do not take any rudeness on his part to heart (he is messed up)
-tidy the house (maybe this would be enjoyable to do with daughter!)
-do work that needs to be done in balance to parenting/being open to spending time with wayward H.
-keep in touch with your legal counsel to manage business/personal matters.

My suggestion at this point is that you get some IC here at MB and do phone counseling with THE BEST. YOU are worth it and so is the marriage.

Melody is right. There's zero chance as long as he is being enabled by his friends and parents. This is what happened to my xwh. He was enabled by his parents b/c of HIS MONEY. He also employed his dad. Reversal of parental roles eh? IS THERE MONEY that the parents receive courtesy of their son? My former inlaws also treated their son as if he was the "golden child" and that he was above reproach.

Other friends may enable him so that they too, can do the same thing later on (my xwh's business partner began cheating madly on his long term wife and mother of their kids too shortly after and during his affair) OR THEY are hanging around too, for it will financially better the friend. Does the friend work with husband too?

You are going thru extreme emotional hurt right now. Very soon you should revert to plan B and CUT OUT the inlaws and the friend and any enemies of the marriage and enemies too of YOU and your child out of your life.

You should get the bulldog attorney and sic him on your wh. Get an iron clad and incredible settlement and hire a forensic accountant for when a wealthy spouse cheats, assets truly fly out the window. and they'll go fast with a skanky green card wanting ho/nanny type in her 20's.

Would you like to know what happens if a man like your husband REMAINS wayward? It is eerily similar in many ways, reading your story, as to what happened in mine. My xwh married a 20 something model we used to (my friends and I) laugh and refer to as "the babysitter" for that was what she was USED for along with rutting. She was a parental replacement figure for me, as far as he saw. The ow got pregnant when our divorce and separating to her was taking too long. So she upped the anty.

In the end, they married about 2 days after the D was final as soon as the courthouse was open. She gave birth and he began cheating on her immediately. Suddenly the shoe was on the other foot.

He was not happy, he spent $ like water trying to MAKE HIMSELF HAPPY after realizing he ruined the life of our child (his son) and a good marriage. Btw, I used to run a portion of his company too. I got a fair (not that great but he lied about everything including finances so that's why I say to get a good forensic accountant if there is money) settlement and most of the custody.

When the lying and cheating and nasty unrepentant lifestyle like that continues, something bad always happens. He fell into legal troubles and eventually about a year and a half ago, he was fired by his business partner (I wondered how that could happen?). He began having another affair on his skanky affairage wife and got a stripper pregant, but made her abort the baby. He was paying for a SECOND HOUSE nearby for the stripper, about 5 min from their home and got her all new furniture yet he paid me less than half of that in one month for child support and spousal support. That is why I say go mean with an attorney.

His affairage wifey went pretty much nuts. She began calling ME and apologizing to me. Oh well. She had no other way out as she was an out of work model with no job or education. Guess she's kinda like that skanky au pair huh?

The money ran out when the legal issues got worse, and about 2 yrs ago, right before the fall, I took him back to court and secured SOLE custody after the stripper incident. I won in a landslide.

Last summer, his affairage wifey was evicted from their home and she had no job. So she moved with family and their child away. In march their divorce was finalized. No more money left at all. He had ruined his life for NOTHING.

Meanwhile, I lived a good life, worked hard, and did lose some assets and had to financially start my life over again. But I remarried last year after dating long term, a wonderful Godly man with a brilliant brain and loving heart who is dad now to my son. Has been basically for 4 years.

The path of destruction is at your wh's feet now. Satan is trying to use the ow to take him down. Literally take him down the path of death if he does not change. But Lola, YOU cannot make him change.

You CAN make the conditions as such to put a strain on the skanky affair and EXPOSE the affair to the rest of your non business friends and wives. It's funny, but when the wives of your friends find out, they will NOT WANT THE OW around nor your wh either. That will take care of that. You also MUST MUST MUST investigate the ow and have a PI investigate her in her home country. And in your present country. YOu must find out her skeletons in her closet.

You see, we did this with my xwh's ow in the last court appearance shortly before the divorce. My attny and PI had dug and found some DAMNING evidence that her former apartment roomate, another model friend, had used drugs and was arrested there for drugs. We also found out she'd used drugs too in the past (the ow). HEARING HER ADMIT to that in court, while she was pregnant with my wh's own child, and KNOWING that woman could be around HIS OWN SON scared him to death and he had no idea. Later on, 2 yrs later, he admitted he almost called it all off with her in that courtroom and realized I did all i did out of love and in being a good mom.

But it didn't matter 2 years later when he told me.

If you uncover her skeletons early in the game NOW, it could have a profound difference. Like my attny told me, "this woman is a woman with skeletons in her closet. All other women are. If they are able to carry on an affair and break up a marriage where the man is married and a daddy, then they are capable of doing MANY OTHER bad and possibly illegal or distasteful things, so you need to investigate this OW."

So I say investigate her. It will also help out in court. If she has (and this has been my suspicion all along b/c of my friend who married a skanky au pair)done this before, she is a PRO, a predatory ow who goes on the hunt for wealthy mean and wants to make the easy life happen for herself without working..unless on her back.

Plan A is very rarely successful in the sense of instant result or reaction.

Oh no. More commonly it works more like planting spring bulbs in the autumn. You dont see any effect until after the winter of Plan B.

The cold temperature of being with a bloodless wh)re 24/7, is what is needed to activate the memories planted by you in Plan A.

You plant the bulbs. You see no effect at all, except bare brown earth. Then you go indoors and snuggle up for the winter, leaving WH outside in the cold to chill in the mother of all time outs.

Maybe spring will come, maybe it wont. How magical it will be if it does.

If it does, it will be because of YOUR hard work.

If it doesnt, as Peachy said, it will be because of his crazy enabling family who are out there with warm blankets, fire and comfort, thoughtlessly ruining your good gardening.

Hopefully however, OW will provide such a chilly winter, they wont be able to help him much.

But whatever happens, you will know you did all that you could.

I would definitley consider coaching as it sounds like youve reached the end of your rope. Maybe a bit of support from the best is in order...

The top rule of both plan A and B is...

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF

So what are you doing for YOU?

Dear reading, sorry for the confusion.
I am going on the trip to Disney tomorrow. After that I will go on a trip to see this friend. - Might not happen, but does not matter.
While I was away on business my mother in law looked after my daughter and that�s the trouble I described. Sorry.

Dearest peachy..., ;-)
I am so sorry to read the story if yours and in fact it reads like so many similarities. Made me cry again. How could you have survived. How do people like we do?
I can see that I need an investigator. How do I find one?
And reading through stories and th summaries, do cheating husbands on a trip actually ever come back? Do plan A and B work? Somehow I get the impression it does not.
I will go to Disney in the morning. Perfect 3-4 days of Plan A. I will try my absolute hardest like planting bulbs.
Then I will ring and get some councelling. I think I need it. And I need to find an investigator. Just tricky to find one, right? Where would you guys look? Remember she is coming from Rumania.

Hi Lola I am In the uk and have found several good PI agencies so they are not that hard to find here anymore even ones who specialise in affairs. Google them. The PI will be uk based and can dig info on ow from the uk.

Where are you at with getting legal advice and protection for your work situation and marriage?

NB28, thanky you. I will google and hopefully find somebody I can afford.
I have an appointment with a family lawyer end of the week as she was on vacation. Somebody, who was recommended from a commercial lawyer. I hope she is good. Not a nice thing, but as to happen.

Lola,

I made it through because I HAD TO AND MY CHILD HAD TO. That is how we do it. Day by day each little battle won. Baby steps.

Do not cry for me, because God had a more wonderful plan. I actually remarried a far more intelligent and successful man who has a HEART OF LOVE and is amazing. I love him so so much more than I loved any other man, and he is the man who is the father of my son, maybe not biologically, but he IS dad. If your wh does not turn around, one day he might see this with you too.

Now what I'd focus on is a WONDERFUL end game plan A. That means being SUPPORTIVE of wh, CENTER YOUR COMMENTS AROUND HIS TOP 4 EMOTIONAL NEEDS. Do you know what your wh's top emotional needs are? You can learn about it here on MB.

I would go all out. Look and smell exquisite. Be that textbook PERFECT wife and mom. Be glowing and have sparkling conversation wtih all around you, but build him up. I guess that is what many ow do. They BUILD UP THAT EGO. So YOU do it. And do it better than she does

A very good attorney is probably needed as you move into plan B, and you may need another attorney for the business issues as FAMILY LAW attorney cannot fulfill the duties that a business law attorney can. They may have to work in conjunction w/one another. And you need a PI to investigate the ow, and a forensic accountant for the entanglement issues regarding finances and if he is stealing family monies to feed the affair.

So most likely, the best approach if there is large sums of money or a business, or sticky things is this: 1)PI for investigating the wayward, the other woman or man, and for investigating any other issues 2)divorce lawyer for the family law issues and the custody and the handling of the issues pertaining to the divorce 3)a business lawyer who will work WITH the lawyer to entangle the tangled up business ends and financial ends and 4)a forensic accountant who can trace all monies and transactions to ensure that the wayward spouse is not stealing or funneling monies to foreign countries or to a relative or to the ow or her family to HIDE assets from you, which should be divided.

Make as much trouble for the affair as you can. Seriously. And expose to FRIENDS, not the business friends you've already exposed to. Make it downright awful for them. Trust me, the wives of the friends of your H will NOT WANT A CHEATER AND A HO among their friends. They fear what YOU and I have lived through ok? Women will fear that the 20 something green card seeking golddigger will bring her same sort of friends around and that THEIR OWN husbands will be targeted too.

And get the PI and attny for the divorce first. A good OFFENSE is always better than a good defense ok? Better going on the offensive. And get that PI ON THE CASE of the skanky ow now! Get the goods on her. If your wh finds out suddenly, that she has fleeced other men and broken up other families or has a shady past or even a CRIMINAL past, he might think twice before wanting to continue with her.

Peachyisback,
thank you for your long message. I am reading it beforeI am off now on our last trip in a family life. I will try to be as good wife and mother as possible. - Tricky as the atmosphere in the house this morning is very frosty. His mother met with him last night. - Best, if she just never comes back and stays at mine.

I will try to smile big times and be sparkly. Dresses all in the suitcase however not overdoing it. I have a new smell as well.

For now that has to be the focus. Then Friday off to my parents. I hope it all goes well and that he does at least look at me once.

As for the au pair, I am really worried there is nothing, which will be found. Really worried. She seems so harmless.

Thank you all for your support. I could not do it without you!

Harmless like poison

Dear all,
I am back in England finally. The trip to Disney first went very well. We had family fun, but she texted non stop, which was very annoying. The first day he looked also very sad and I am sure that�s where he offered her some compensation. - He spent the day with us and left in the evening off to another room. - Very odd indeed and costy on top. - The last day some more truth came out, that he would take her on a trip to Berlin, the city we both love and lived in. He would take her along to a business thing. Not sure, about her being at the business thing, but she came and they spent the weekend. I had asked him about it before and he had lied to me again. She did come! And then on the train back it came out that she would pick him up from the train in the new car. That�s when I completely lost it. - We had a fight outside of the toilets and he called me [censored] and dirt and I slapped him (again). - I mean how more cruel can you actually be???? - Well, since we have not really spoken and it seems done. Whatever I do and say the bad stuff will be the one seen and it�s me blaming non stop and being a "monster. - I better give up, right? I have lost it. - Last week we had more or less no contact. Just briefly saw him at a meeting, but did not speak to him. - I want to keep it this way. Still, when I walked in he did the big "you only want to destroy me talk". This week we are back in the office and it�s just the same. - I am the monster to him.