Hi, I sent my Plan B email to WH last night. I am finding it all a bit overwhelming, somehow strangely liberating but I am also terrified of the finality of losing my best friend and husband.

I have been trying to read posts of those who are currently in Plan B, wanting to learn and share experiences. Anyone else out there new to Plan B or with experience?

You will get your best advice here!


I know EXACTLY what you're saying and feeling except it's my Wife who is the Wayward Spouse.

I will pass along a recommendation from "jessitaylor" on this forum who has helped me tremendously:


PATIENCE......and I say that as much for MYSELF as I do for you.
OK?

I printed that message from jessitaylor and post it all over the house!
But it's most visible on my bathroom mirror for me to see EVERY morning as I get ready for the day!
So remember:

Patience is the name of the game now, calmly with integrity and class.

Plan B will be your saviour.

It is like the shore to a shipwreck survivor. You are out of the drama, no longer have to keep your head above water or struggle to breathe.

This is where the real grieving begins. Get through that part without breaking plan B nd then the healing begins.

For me it was very quick, just a matter of weeks, before I began to feel real peace. I now feel strong enough to accept the two possibilities ahead without agonising over which one I want to happen. I accept what will be will be.

If my WH ever tries to reconcile I know I will now be much tougher on him about my conditions than I would have been right after DDay. If I go on alone I know I can do it and tht I will only ever settle for an amazing MBer relationship.

The darker you go, the quicker you heal. Dont let anyone even discuss him with you. At first you will have to think things over to process, grief, but after that start turning your thought to yourself.

Plan amazing things for your life. Marriage requires sacrifice so now go and do all the things you couldnt before. For me thats travel for you it mught be something else. Plan lots of girls nights, treats, pick me up. order a great book, go for a bike ride. Take care of yourself

Car, as long as you focus on getting as dark as possible(including changing phone numbers and email addresses) then your healing will happen much more quickly. Ever time that you find out that your WH has attempted to contact you, it sets you back to day 1 of your recovery.

My thread link is in my siggy. I went to Plan B at about page 44. I also read Mimi's thread http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1072094&page=1 , and Queenie's http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...amp;Number=1971704&nt=135&page=1

You CAN do this, and you WILL feel better, the darker you stay.

Now, if your WH DOES attempt contact, you will need to not read the emails/texts, not listen to the messages, and if he gets you on the phone, you need to ask, "Are you willing to end your affair and have NC with OW for life?" He says anything other than "Yes" you say, "Contact IM when you have."

There is going to be a lot of pain for a while as you process this, but it is all completely NORMAL and part of the process. Hang tough and STAY DARK.

I have a couple of Plan B tips I'd like to share.

~ Plan B the wayward's family and anyone else who isn't supporting you. It hurts when the WS's family throws you under the bus ~ if it looks like it's heading this way...just fb defriend them, block them from your cell/email, just like you are doing with your WS. You are looking to achieve PEACE in Plan B ~ no drama!!

~ Imagine every scenario that will make you want to break your Plan B and tell yourself no matter what you will stay dark. I heard something kinda shocking about my WH a few weeks ago and I broken my Plan B. I am not beating myself up about that one but I WILL NOT do it again....

~ Don't drag out all your Plan B steps. Packing up the WSs things, changing locks, blocking emails/phone numbers, possibly seeing an atty to learn your legal rights. It's easy to get overwhelmed and want to drag your feet. All these things take emotional energy and it's best to just get it all done at once, kind of like ripping off a Bandaid. Just do it!

I just want to say that I am a strong advocate for Plan B. Before I went dark, I was having anxiety attacks with chest pain that was scaring me and was really struggling. I feel pretty OK most days now and am preparing for Plan D.

SusieQ - Any tips on how you are preparing for Plan D?

I love this line Bill! I feel I am someone who usually acts with a lot of integrity, and I do feel that Plan B will give me some of that and my self-respect back. I am no longer trying to directly influence my husband's decisions (I was not very good at Plan A given on different continents and very little phone contact).

Bill, can you give me a link to your thread? I am assuming you are now in Plan B?

It seems that most of the advice on this forum is about Plan A, much less so on Plan B.

Indie, this gives me inspiration as well. I have been agonising too much on saving our marriage, I now need to learn to accept that WH is the one responsible for this now. I am instead going to focus on steering my own boat. I know some days I might let go of the oars though!


I am still struggling with getting a plan for myself on what I want to do with my life. My WH and I have lived a fantastic life, and we have done together so many of our dreams, especially with travelling. This next stage of our life was about settling down , getting our own home, family, children. That is not possible now so I am also grieving for the loss of these dreams. I have an appointment with psychologist tomorrow (have managed to get it bulk billed through health system, hooray!) so hope to start developing a plan on what I want now.

Thanks Scotty, after going for a jog I am going to sit down and do some reading on these threads. Oh, and I also cooked myself poached eggs this morning, something that WH always did for us on Sunday mornings. Since separation I have not been able to face a poached egg because of the memories, so I am pretty sure this is a step in the right direction!

Reclaim those poached eggs, don't let the wayturd ruin them for you! They are YOURS!

Susie, any tips on how to handle mutual friends? At this moment my WH seems to be avoiding contact with any mutual friends but this may change, as there is one couple in particular we were very close with. They are still trying to get in touch with him, and I suspect will relay info... I don't want to lose them, do I lay out some rules with them?

If they are toxic friends (IE they support the affair), avoid them. Does the couple know what is going on? If not you should tell them before WH has the chance to spin the story to them.

LOVE IT!!!.....got it posted all over the house!!



EXACTLY!!!!......I fully agree!......me too!


That was one of the hardest things for me to accept......I would think "If I can say the right thing....the proper sequence of words.....at the proper time......when she's in the right mood.....she will finally understand."
Ugh.......NO!
But that was BEFORE my D-Day.....and just after D-Day.....I BLEW HER BOAT OF THE WATER WITH EXPOSURE!
Last weekend we had some Daughter difficulties which caused us to be together and she was still mad at me because according to her "You just went too far and hurt me by telling everyone!"


MY STORY

I am in Plan B.... the only words of advice I have are, it gets better. It got better for me...

And actually, I don't think each contact sets you back to day 1, at least not after a while. For me its like, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I really stink at Plan B.

It absolutely gets better. After nearly three months I find myself being okay without him today. I am actually getting to a place I am okay if he divorces me.

I find I am finding myself again. I lost myself in the marriage. Today I work to correct what made me unattractive as a wife, so I will be a great wife for my WH or for someone new.

Consistency, Time, and Patience is the name of the game. Dr. Harley knows what he is talking about. Stick with the plan!!!

Thanks for that Karma, they were exposure targets and actually cried when they read my exposure email. So I will try staying in touch and see how it goes, may have to spell out to them that I can not discuss him at all and not to pass any info on to him. But I would say my WH is too far in affair bubble to actually have contact with any of his old friends. That is his loss, he is now friends with a lot of people that up to April this year he said he did not even like!

Yes, he has new "yes-men" surrounding him now. They will be people who support his "being happy" and in return they are placed in his mental camp of "good people" who are the ones who "really care!"

I just want to say thank you all for sharing your stories with me... you are all truly inspirational. I don't think I am going to heal as quickly as some of you seem to be, you are very strong. But I guess it is not a race and I am learning a lot about myself.

OH MY GOSH!....does THAT sound like my WW's "Best Friends"!!!
The ones who tell her whatever she wants to hear.
They support whatever she does to "find happiness" while emphasizing my flaws.
BARF!!