What you may end up doing is chasing her away. All your efforts to reconcile this and get on with life is being wasted on your inability to take advantage of the situation.

This, of course, comes from a guy who spent most of the last 3 months losing his mind.

We have women who made mistakes. We also have women begging us to forgive them and are doing everything they can to make it better. What they cannot do is turn back the clock and remove their heads from their butts.

Take advantage of this and make your life great with her. You married her for a reason. She cheated on you for NO REASON. Or, no reason making adultery acceptible.

I see and Im sure you see the apology in her eyes.

Thats it. She cannot spill more blood than "Im sorry". She cannot undo sleeping with another guy. It was a lapse in judgment combined with selfish stupidity.

I felt sorry for FWW actually. I never really understood how immature she was.

Let her continue to earn your forgiveness and give her the chance to make it right.

For instance, my FWW works in a few miles away and is very busy during the day. But, she just texted me that she is taking a lunch break and running home to spend time with me. This is something that never happened before, but thats the point we are both doing things to make each happy.

She works outdoors in the summers and Ive delivered iced coffee to her a dozen times this summer. Never thought of doing that before this summer, but something new in me is making want to make her happy.

Try that.

Right now, focus on staying and working *TODAY*. When this evening hits and you lie down on your pillow, focus on staying in bed until the morning... When you get up, start all over again. Who knows how long it will last? That's up to the two of you and how hard you work. I know the pay-off for working is great. And you are not alone. we are here to help.

CV

mss & cv - Thank you both for your support.


Can you elaborate on this? How do you see me pushing her away? What am I not taking advantage of?


I think I am doing everything I can. I'm frustrated with the effort she is putting in. She will go along with almost anything I say, but it's up to me to initiate anything and even then it has to be on her terms. I guess I need to bring up POJA. (reading back though this maybe I'm in conflict and not withdrawal?)


I HAD always wanted to make her happy (may not have known how, but wanted too), but not so much anymore. I'm still trying (actually harder than ever), but a lot of the desire is gone. I'm hoping this will come back with time, and that's why I'm still working.


This is something I'm struggling with. I have no kids, and our stuff/finances can easily be divided. I think I'm a pretty good catch and could find someone else fairly easily. If we put in the work from the start we get the same payoff without the history. So, whats the payoff for staying? Don't get me wrong, I care for my wife and all else being equal would like to spend the rest of my life with her, but this history doesn't make all else equal.

Sounds like she's trying and youre resisting, this is what I mean.

Which is a normal response for a BS.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is to allow the (F)WS to meet our needs - or at least try.

While we are in a state of withdrawal, which infidelity often puts us deeply into, it is very hard for our needs to be met.

During this time in the process UA time is paramount.

This is why 20+ hours is recommended; a large amount of LB$ deposits will inadvertently be wasted - and thus more and more deposits must be made in an attempt to increase the balance.

I don't think this is the case. In fact I think I'm still trying much harder than she is (can you say Taker?). I think the fact that she is falling in love with me again is due to the fact that I never stopped meeting her needs, I am actually getting better at meeting them, I have been working to reduce my love busters, and the OM is now out of the picture. She on the other hand has been love busting like a mad woman for the past several months (this has slowly started to change), and as a result I am in withdrawal. I recognize this and am trying (again me trying, not her) to get out of withdrawal, which is the whole reason I started this thread in the first place.

I think HHH hit it on the head, and I just need to give it more time.

As a side note, if anyone has any insight as to how this relationship would be better than finding a new one (one without the history of an affair), I would greatly appreciate the encouragement.

Well, This morning I tried to have an O&H conversation with her about how I'm feeling (that I'm not a priority and I need her to initiate some healing) at which point she told me, "it's not all about you." Wow, really? In a way I understand this (she is going through some major issues with her parents), but I am your husband, you did have an affair, and our marriage needs a lot of work.

She just doesn't get it, or maybe she is just that selfish. I care about her, but I can care about anybody. Please, someone give me reasons to stay.

Consider forwarding your questions to the Harley's radio show. Someone please link him the how to.

All WS are selfish by definition. She may also be mired in a fog, too.

Keep on keeping on with MB concepts. Things can be good again.

Im living it.

The best way to get over withdrawal is to:

~Meet ENs
~Avoid LBers like the plague
~Spend 25+ hours UA time together/week. This is the most crucial thing to getting through withdrawal, IMHO.

My H never went through withdrawal, but we were doing these things. Keep your W busy with fun things and NEVER let her talk about the OM or the A in a positive light.

MarriedForever,

Thank you for your input, but it is me (the BS) who is in withdrawal (state of mind in marriage, not withdrawal from OP) not her.

Lately, we have been spending as much UA time as possible, and other than the affair (and everything that went along with it) she doesn't have many LBers, however she has been sporadic at best at meeting my needs since long before the affair started.

As far as talking about the A or OM, she wants to just ignore that it ever happened. She avoids anything that is unpleasant like the plague.

Whats the saying? Those who choose to ignore history are doomed to relive it. Something like that.

You need;

The books.

To see if your W will come and post.

I AGREE......JUST WATCH IT!!!!

I'm pretty sure she won't post on here. I just asked her to watch the video, and her response was "infidelity? We don't have that in our relationship." Wow, this just keeps getting better.

Arrogant WS in denial equals false recovery. OM and WW were "forced" to separate by "circumstances" and are just waiting for the next chance. I have experienced it and your WS sound like mine during that.

How did the affair end? Did you expose? Is OM married?

Yeah, this does concern me. It ended when I exposed to OMW.

She seemed really changed for 3-4 weeks, but the last week or so her attitude seems to be going back to that selfishness. Maybe they are already back in contact?

Mr. nomoreplease: How rough can this be?

It's been 3 & 1/2 months since my Wife left the home.

It's been 6 weeks since I found out about my WW's affair.

6 weeks of HE!!

I'm 30 pounds lighter......I need medication to sleep......I've needed meds to get through some days.

TODAY is the FIRST DAY that anxiety hasn't overpowered me.

TODAY!!!

A 26 mile Marathon only takes a few hours......You and I wil be running a LOT LONGER!!

My Wife is worth it!......is yours?......Only YOU can decide that!

At least yours is with you......mine won't talk to me.

The woman I married is definately worth it, but this is not the woman I married. I am about to give up on trying to find her again, but it may not matter. She told me last night she is not happy (again), and looking at her phone she has been texting our MC about leaving or asking me to leave.

I tried to discuss why she was unhappy, and the way she talked about it my being unhappy is a LBer. I don't know what to do with that.

Im a little confused here, at one time its you withdrawn and other times its her.

I think you need to set a timetable in your head to get your marriage jiving.

Her A has played wicked mindgames with her and you are the one losing.

I cant figure this one out.

Well, mss, I have been working hard to meet her needs. She has been off and on meeting mine. I am in withdrawal. Where she is I don't know. She avoids anything unpleasent, so when I say I'm not happy or anything else negative she runs (its unpleasent, especially when she knows that it is because of her actions).